Physical Pain.

[Carus]

I'm 2 months out and today is as bad as any!

 

Headache, can't breathe properly and feels like I have a steel rod lodged in my chest!

 

The weeks have been up and down and I know this too will pass.

 

I went into NC from day one but she has constantly been contacting me and coming around me under the guises of missing me a lot and suggestions of trying to work things out...

 

So I went along with that. I mean, that's what I want right?

 

But as she heals her contacts have become less frequent and more nonchalant.

 

This is what is stabbing me in the heart as I truly thought we were on the path to reconciliation.

 

The finality is starting to become more real.

 

Or am I just being impatient?

 

I hope everyone is doing at least slightly better than me today.

 

3 more hours at work and then I can get home to bed where sleep will become my sanctuary.

 

I've had 2 big meltdowns today and I am totally drained both mentally and physically...

 

¥

[RainyCoast]

i know it feels impossible but i suggest you go against your instincts to hit the hay after work, no matter how drained,

 

and do a bestial workout first.

[Makeit]

If I had to guess I would say I am doing just as bad or worse so youre not alone. My ex and I broke up on Sunday and I have not physically seen her for 7 days. I could not deal with what youre going through. Constantly being fed your “drug” and then being weened off has got to be a terrible cycle. Im sure like me you still have a sliver of hope but the majority of the time you know the reality of the situation. Its hard for me to give any advice in my current state but I dont think these games she is playing are helpful or productive. It sounds like she is using u to rid herself of the bit of sadness she has. I highly doubt she is as regretful of the relationship as you are. Otherwise you would be back together. I have been telling myself this same thing.

[Carus]

Thanks for the posts.

 

I'll be getting home at 3am so I'll go for a swim tomorrow.

 

Yes I'm thinking that on her next flyby I may have to tell her I just can't do this anymore.

 

Part of me thinks I'm just getting impatient but regardless of that, days like today just drain the h*ll out of me....

 

¥

[Radiate21]

You are strong, Carus. Your wisdom has helped me get through some tough days. I know that no amount of logic in the world can make us feel better during these times, but at least we can know that it WILL get better eventually. Praying for your recovery and happiness.

[mynameisneo]

Carus, I'm sorry to hear you're in pain. If you want it to stop, however, you have to obey No Contact, which you haven't been doing (sorry ). Even if you enact it, you cannot respond to your ex. You're still talking, and you're broken up. This is why you're not healing. Your wound keeps reopening every time you talk to her or look at her pictures, social media, etc. She has used you to heal in her own way as she's worked on her soft exit, and she is moving on.

 

Block her from everything. The minute you do this, you'll feel like crap, and then about 5 minutes later you'll feel better. You'll know this is a very big final step - it's your first step to giving yourself closure. You'll have days of ups and downs, but you will start healing.

 

There is no other way. Sorry. You are worth more than sporadic words that are getting less frequent and more and more informal. Get your dignity and life back, put yourself first, always, and start being good to yourself.

 

May you heal.

[pippy longstocking]

Ahh carus I am sorry you are having such a bad time , you have given this forum the benefit of your wisdom so many times ...and you know what you would tell you to do right now don't you ...... to quit now ....if she really does want you , she will soon come looking . Blessings x

[Carus]

Thank you all for your wonderful posts...It is 3:30am and I am so SO happy to be home. Man was that a long and draining day!

 

@Makeit* ~ Yes she has weaned herself off me and sadly I have let that happen. I did it because of that sliver of hope and also because she did it under the guise of trying to work things out...More on this below....Hang in there buddy..It's a wild and at times painful ride, but it does smooth out eventually. You and I both know this and that brings at least a little comfort.

 

@Radiate* ~ Thankyou so much for your kind words. I am so glad that I have been able to help you even a little bit. Yes I am strong and this is just a dip on the roller coaster that is grief...And like a roller coaster, it goes up, it goes down, but it always goes forward*

 

@Neo* ~ You are right. I have been doing NIC (No Initiating Contact). I am not a believer of totally ignoring your ex unless you 100% don't want them back. If you do want them back, totally ignoring them forever is not going to help with that. More on that below. Just so you know though, I'm a veteran at breakups, so I haven't been stalking her on FB. I didn't block her but I did unfollow her, but I don't get any urges to go looking at her wall or anything so it's ok.

 

@Pippy* ~ Thankyou for your kind words. You are right. I need to stop now. I was letting her come to me because she was telling me things and I believed I was paving the way back...But it seems to have gone the other way now...Hope you are well*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've spent way too much energy on this breakup in another forum already but I want to give a brief summary of things here now because:

A) It helps to write it out.

B) To hopefully give you guys and gals a clearer picture of what's happened.

C) To serve as a warning to any future readers of this thread that find themselves in the same situation.

 

As I mentioned, I've been through this many times before..I even went to Uni and completed a degree in counseling and psychotherapy. So whilst I'm never sure of what to do, I'm very clear on what NOT to do. And so...

 

When I moved out 2 months ago, I told her it was not what I wanted, but I would respect her decision. We both cried though as I was moving my stuff...

 

I also told her I couldn't be friends with her right now and to please not contact me unless it was about getting back together.

 

The first few weeks the separation anxiety was brutal. but not once did I contact her or look at FB or anything...

 

However, she would txt and call me because she was missing me terribly and obviously still doubting her decision (at this stage). I kept reminding her that I could not be her support system any more.....I made no attempts to meet up or see her.

 

After a few weeks though she worked out how to breach the castle walls...She starting telling me that perhaps we could work things out and perhaps start going on some dates etc....

 

Great right? What we all want to hear....So I went along with that.

 

I never initiated any contact. She was the one doing all the txting and organising to catch up and stay over sometimes...So at this stage I was starting to believe that she was serious...and she probably was...

 

Then she went away for a week to her hometown to visit her mother and friends. I received a couple of nice txts from her and replied in kind. Kept it brief but friendly...

 

But then, she got back last Saturday and although she has sent me a couple of business like messages, there's been no mention of catching up now. In fact, for the first time, I asked her if she wanted to come over and hang out. She said she was too tired! This is why I sense that somethings changed and I'm now feeling the actual finality of it...

 

I got a FB message from her yesterday but when I opened it (with hope), all it said was "Oops. I didn't mean to invite you onto Messenger"...

How nice ](*,)

 

I'm not massively into FB so what would some of you guys say about that? Some would say there are no 'accidents'...(?)

 

I've been hoping that if I remain strong, positive and upbeat and let her come to me with no pressure that we may end up back together no matter how long that takes. And many times it takes a lot longer than 2 months. I've been moving on the best I can but she is also my wife and I love her deeply....

 

But I think this last week, and especially today, has shown me that perhaps I just don't have the fortitude to carry on.

 

I will update this thread over the next few days to hopefully report that this has indeed been just a dip in the road and I'll be back on track very soon. SO glad today is over though!

 

May you find peace in your soul*

Carus*

[Carus]

Woke up a little rough today...But better....

 

Got a txt from her saying one of our chickens had died and she thought she should let me know...

 

She's not doing very well. Has to go to hospital to have iron infusions....

 

I asked if she wanted to come for a swim with me....She asked at the pool or at the beach...It's a bit cold so we thought maybe we could take the dogs for a run on the beach....

 

I went and picked her and the dogs up....

 

When I pulled into the driveway she came to me and hugged me tightly for a full 2-3 minutes.

 

We walked on the beach. She was cold so we found a spot in the dunes and she snuggled into me....

 

We kissed and she was clinging on to my arm.

 

From what she was telling me she is struggling along both emotionally and financially.

 

I had to go to Pilates so we collected the dogs and I dropped them back home....She hugged me again and snuggled her head into my chest. I stroked her hair and kissed her on the forehead....Then I left...

 

Guys...I.Just.Don't.Get.It....!

 

There's obviously still a lot of love there and those who know me, know that I am a good man....Her kids love me to bits!

 

But for whatever reason the Universe is coming up with, we're just not together...and neither does she bring that up...

 

I'm nowhere near being a doormat. I just don't understand that we're not together because what, I'm too nice...? Too supportive..? Do women really not want that these days..?

 

Well I'm sorry...That's just who I am...

 

I really am at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do except carry on in NIC and do my best to be happy and healthy and keep moving.....

 

Thanks for reading this. Hope everyone is pushing on*

 

Ever Forward

Carus*

[Radiate21]

Carus, meeting up with your ex sounds like such a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot even imagine how I would feel after such an interaction. Talk about picking a scab; more like setting it on fire

 

You are much wiser than I am and the only obvious suggestion I have is going NC with her and making it clear to her that you only want to speak if it is for the sake of reconciliation. It's not fair to either of you to live in this limbo.

 

I don't know the background of your relationship but it seems like she really still loves you. But maybe in this circumstance that love isn't enough. My ex and I still love one another too. Although we are NC, I know that if we saw each other we would probably share a similar type of hug and connection.

 

I suppose you need to decide if it is time to move on, or if you still want to hold on. Right now you are holding on. And maybe you need more time. That's okay. Being in contact will prolong your healing but you have to do what your heart is telling you. Once you truly decide for yourself to move on, that is what you'll start to do.

 

All the best. Stay strong.

[Carus]

My Dear Radiate* Thanks for checking in on me and your kind words.

Carus, meeting up with your ex sounds like such a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot even imagine how I would feel after such an interaction. Talk about picking a scab; more like setting it on fire

Yes it has been and I've just been trying to stay as stable as possible whilst also grieving the loss...

 

From the outset I told her I couldn't be friends right now and to only contact me if it was about getting back together...

 

She kept contacting me very upset for the first 4-5 weeks with 'I miss you's and I had to keep reminding her of this^

 

Then she worked it out and started to say things like maybe could try and start afresh, go on dates etc....And like a sucker I fell for it...

 

To be fair though, she was the one doing 100% of the contacting, organising dates and staying over at my (new) place...So I honestly thought we were on that path.

 

But that seems to be coming to an end now....

You are much wiser than I am and the only obvious suggestion I have is going NC with her and making it clear to her that you only want to speak if it is for the sake of reconciliation. It's not fair to either of you to live in this limbo.

I agree, but like I said, she'd already found a way around that^

 

However, I think the time may be here to try and re-enforce it and get back to it...

 

Reconciliation can take months, and in some ways, the longer the time frame, the better....within reason. But my patience is wearing thin now and yes, that 'limbo' is THE worst place to be!

 

Which is why I've done my best to let her come around me whilst not putting my life on hold...

I don't know the background of your relationship but it seems like she really still loves you.

In the lead up to DDay I had a thread which is here if you want to read it ~

 

I would say she still 'cares about me', but I'm 99% doubtful we'll ever get back together...

 

I have to say though, I've been working in this field for 8 years now and I am very grateful for our amicable breakup compared to some others that I see!

 

Still hurts though...Sometimes I wish she was a beeyatch! At least that would give me some leverage! lol

But maybe in this circumstance that love isn't enough.

Seems that way

My ex and I still love one another too. Although we are NC, I know that if we saw each other we would probably share a similar type of hug and connection.

Yeh well maybe you should take my situation as a good reason as to why you probably shouldn't...! lol

 

But no, maybe things will workout for you. We can't know....I've seen cases of people completely messing up and still getting their ex back...there are no guarantees...

 

I'm not sure how you interpret NC but there is a wild misconception that has swept through the net that NC just means ignore them into the house of the Lord! This will not make things better...

 

NC will however, help you get stable and prevent further mistakes...

 

But once you are stable enough, let them do all the contacting, but respond in kind...

 

One of the best NC vids I've seen is Corey Wayne's 7 Principles... Craig Kenneth also shares a similar view on getting an ex back..Both are on YouTube.

I suppose you need to decide if it is time to move on, or if you still want to hold on. Right now you are holding on. And maybe you need more time. That's okay. Being in contact will prolong your healing but you have to do what your heart is telling you. Once you truly decide for yourself to move on, that is what you'll start to do.

You are dead right...I knew I had to start moving on from day 1, and I'm doing my best with that..... but there is definitely that flicker of hope still within me.

 

The first 3 weeks, the separation anxiety was brutal...! And the day I started this thread was as bad as any of those! (hence the title)

 

But I know the grieving process well and I knew it would ease up again...And I'm happy to report that I am indeed feeling slightly better today....

 

The bad days will still come there's no doubt, but that needs to happen as the process does it's thing....and it will take as long as it takes*

All the best. Stay strong.

I promise I will if you promise me you'll do the same*

 

I hope everyone will find peace in their heart.

Ever Forward.

Carus*