Any insight into why I was ghosted?

[EndlessNemesis]

So I was recently dating this girl for about 5 weeks, we had 6 dates and spent a lot of time together on those dates. Conversation always flowed well and I tried my best to make her laugh and keep things light-hearted.

 

We visited each others places a couple of times each and I took her out for dinner a few times as well. She spoke about cooking for me at her place as a thank you for always buying her dinner. She also told me that she had spoken to her friend about me and she wanted me to come to her birthday party in a few weeks.

 

Then suddenly 2 weeks ago, after our last date (after which she invited me up to her house and I stayed over) - she stopped communicating with me. Over the following week I only received 2 texts from her and when I responded to them she didn't reply. Eventually last week I caved in and asked her if everything was okay and that I'd love to see her again and she responded saying her work was really busy and could we arrange something for next week. I didn't want her to feel pressured so I said "No problem, just get in touch when you're a little less busy"... I haven't heard from her at all since (1 week ago today).

 

During the 5 or so weeks we were dating we would always text each other at least once every couple of days, sometimes I would initiate contact and sometimes she would. I was always careful to gauge her interest level and I would say that she initiated contact / meeting up at least 50% of the time. So I really can't figure out why she has gone silent on me?

 

She seemed like such an intelligent and genuine person, I wouldn't expect her to be the type to 'ghost' someone. A simple call or text to say that she has changed her mind about me and didn't want to see me anymore would have sufficed. Now I just feel like I've been discarded and all that time we spent together meant nothing to her.

 

Any insight into this situation would be much appreciated.

[Minnimouse]

This does seem rather strange. Maybe she has some personal issues she is dealing with or maybe unfortunately she met someone else. I've been ghosted by guys before and I was none the wiser to why they did it to me either. It feels horrible, but we are living in this world that we feel it's acceptable to dispose of humans. I would give her a week and if you haven't heard anything from her delete her number and move on.

[EndlessNemesis]

Thanks for your reply. I guess I just feel disheartened by this, it has happened to me a couple of times recently.

 

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, these girls usually approach me first - they compliment me saying how attractive they find me and they "can't believe I'm single". I run my own successful business, earn good money, I have a nice house and car etc. (not that it should matter!). I always court them and treat them well but also give them space and let them dictate the pace by not pressuring them. I have lots of friends and get along with people easily with a good sense of humour... But inevitably women end up losing interest or going off with someone else with no explanation.

 

It kind of makes me wonder what's the point? I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good person, I make the effort with women and I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment.

[glitterfingers]

I think ghosting is just a bit of a social norm these days, when it comes to dating (especially online dating). It's a lot more normal for someone to fade out and stop replying than for someone to be straight up and admit they are no longer interested. Firstly because coming right out and saying it can be considered very abrasive/confrontational to some people. Secondly because attraction tends to wane slowly that way anyway, so the gradual fade makes a little sense.

 

You shouldn't take it personally that they ghosted you simply because they didn't have the integrity to state that things weren't working. That says nothing about you, and everything about them and the social guide that they choose to follow.

 

As to why it happened, it's anyone's guess. But I don't think she's going to tell you. Sometimes people don't even really know, it's just an overall feeling they get about a person. Attraction/chemistry are primal on many levels and can't be faked. Sometimes it's just not there for either or both parties, or it is and then it fades. You will find someone who has the same level of interest in you as you do in them and when you do it'll all feel worthwhile

[James516]

Personally, and I realize I'm more on the unique side, but I am entertained by throwing people off their self-involved world. It's a dead-end anyway so might as well get some enjoyment. I would send one more message that says "Thank you for the time, I had fun, but I don't see this going anywhere. Hope you find someone!" People hate the idea that things could possibly be turned to be that they are getting dumped. So you'll probably suddenly get a response within an hour. Don't ever respond to that. And move on.

 

Unfortunately, you'll never get a real answer of what didn't work. It's always good when you find out early, though. You have to keep getting out there and meeting people until you find a right person to connect with.

[Andrina]

Basically cowards act like this. I did a lot of online dating when I was single. I always let a guy know that the chemistry was missing for me when I no longer wanted to date him. It's not fun communicating this, but it's the right thing to do. She's not as strong or caring as she appeared to you.

 

Sounds like you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you're someone's cup of tea and sometimes you're not. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or how you behaved. And if a woman is psychologically messed up, possibly lacking in self esteem, she will likely, subconsciously, be attracted to dysfunctional guys, not together guys like yourself.

 

It takes dating a boatload of people to find a good prospect. I had to go on dates with about 30 men before I found my husband. The process was frustrating, but in the end, all my efforts paid off. Good luck.

[katrina1980]

OP, you said she suddenly stopped communicating with you after your last date wherein you spent the night?

 

Was this the first time spending the night? Did you have sex and if so was this your first time?

 

If so, sex often changes things. Perhaps she did not feel enough of a connection or the sex didn't live up to her expectations.

 

Or for whatever reasons, her feelings changed. These early stages can be very precarious.

 

Re not taking it personally, I used to believe and say this too, but hell when you've had a number of dates with someone which include sex and then suddenly they "ghost" of course it's personal!

 

They've had several dates with you, had sex with you, liked you and now they don't. Or even care enough to explain.

 

How is that not personal?

 

I was "ghosted" once, we had not had sex, but it still stung.

 

Things seemed to be going really well too, we had developed a great rapport (at least I thought so), which is the most confusing part.

 

But life moves along and you eventually get over.

 

I agree it's cowardly.

[EndlessNemesis]

Was this the first time spending the night? Did you have sex and if so was this your first time?

 

Thanks for your reply, yes we did have sex and this was the third time.

 

I posted on here previously about my suspicions that maybe she didn't think I was up to her standards in bed? Although after many responses and upon reflection, even though I wouldn't consider myself a 'porn-star' I certainly wouldn't think I was bad enough in her view to justify ghosting me - I did my best to satisfy her, I made her come with oral and she said I was very good at it. Afterwards she was very affectionate, hugging and kissing etc and when I left early in the morning she was the same.

[katrina1980]

Why did you initially suspect you did not live up to her standards?

 

Never underestimate the power of sex.

 

She may have enjoyed the actual sex, you gave her oral and she came, but like I said, she may not have felt a strong enough connection during. Was this part of your suspicion?

 

After your third time, upon reflection, she realized she was not 'feeling it' and decided to move on.

 

As a woman I can understand this very well.

 

No it doesn't justify ghosting, but at this point, she may just want OUT.

 

I'm sorry.

[EndlessNemesis]

Why did you initially suspect you did not live up to her standards?

 

Never underestimate the power of sex.

 

She may have enjoyed the actual sex, you gave her oral and she came, but like I said, she may not have felt a strong enough connection during. Was this part of your suspicion?

 

After your third time, upon reflection, she realized she was not 'feeling it' and decided to move on.

 

As a woman I can understand this very well.

 

No it doesn't justify ghosting, but at this point, she may just want OUT.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Well I guess I'm screwed then! (pardon the expression).

 

I haven't had a great deal of sexual experience (she was my 4th) and every girl has been different. I have been out of practice for the past 10 months and I was pretty nervous with this one because I liked her so much.

 

If I'm going to get dumped every time I don't immediately meet someones high expectations, without even talking about it or trying different things then I guess I'm going to be very lonely!

[katrina1980]

I can't speak for other women, but for me, it's not about trying different things to sexually satisfy, etc, that sounds too mechanical and perfunctory.

 

It's about the emotional connection I "feel" while having sex with each other.

 

How about you? Did you feel that connection?

[EndlessNemesis]

I can't speak for other women, but for me, it's not about trying different things to sexually satisfy, etc, that sounds too mechanical and perfunctory.

 

It's about the emotional connection I "feel" while having sex with each other.

 

How about you? Did you feel that connection?

 

If I'm honest, I guess I didn't... She was very passive, just lying there really - she didn't go down on me or really grab hold of me or move around a lot. That made me even more nervous as girls I have been with before have always participated more actively. I just thought that maybe we were both nervous, usually when I sleep with someone new I've had a couple of drinks to loosen me up a bit but with her I was always straight sober so I will a bit self-conscious. Either way I guess you are right and the sparks just weren't there, I don't know why and I certainly wasn't ready to give up on her so soon.

[katrina1980]

There is no rhyme or reason why "sparks" aren't there, it's chemistry, energy, both of which are intangible and cannot be forced. In my opinion.

 

Again, sorry this didn't work out.

[reinventmyself]

I've had off the charts, swinging from the chandelier sex with someone I didn't feel that certain spark with. He can be very skilled in bed but if the spark isn't there, it just isn't there.

The same goes for mediocre sex that's just fine. Nothing remarkable about it, but suitable. BUT the chemistry is on point.

 

So. . I don't know for sure, everyone's different but I wouldn't spend anymore time worrying about your performance. The right girl will love you exactly the way you are.

 

Why did she ghost? Who knows. Even though it's difficult try your best to not personalize it. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

For all you know she reconciled with an ex, has a terminal illness, intimacy issues. The list goes on.

Shake this one off.

[abitbroken]

If I'm honest, I guess I didn't... She was very passive, just lying there really - she didn't go down on me or really grab hold of me or move around a lot. That made me even more nervous as girls I have been with before have always participated more actively. I just thought that maybe we were both nervous, usually when I sleep with someone new I've had a couple of drinks to loosen me up a bit but with her I was always straight sober so I will a bit self-conscious. Either way I guess you are right and the sparks just weren't there, I don't know why and I certainly wasn't ready to give up on her so soon.

 

If she wasn't responding to you, a gentleman should take that as a sign to not continue. If she wasn't participating in sex and was just lying there -- why would you have continued??

Maybe you missed some of her cues and she felt like you took advantage of her? I don't know. maybe if she doesn't call you back, the next woman you meet --- having sex 3 times within 6 weeks is too much if you just met them because then the dating has only been about sex. Why not try something different like not having sex for awhile so you aren't ghosted or if you are - then at least there is not as much invested?

[AtitAgain]

If she wasn't responding to you, a gentleman should take that as a sign to not continue. If she wasn't participating in sex and was just lying there -- why would you have continued??

Maybe you missed some of her cues and she felt like you took advantage of her? I don't know. maybe if she doesn't call you back, the next woman you meet --- having sex 3 times within 6 weeks is too much if you just met them because then the dating has only been about sex. Why not try something different like not having sex for awhile so you aren't ghosted or if you are - then at least there is not as much invested?

 

I feel that this may be right... I think you did not read her right. Maybe she realized during sex that the chemistry wasn't really there, and it just did not feel right.

 

There was a time with my current gf when we were just starting to date that I had to stop things (getting into sex), because I could tell her mind was elsewhere. Having sex when someone is not in the moment physically and emotionally, does more harm than good.

 

I disagree on the second point though... "having sex 3 times within 6 weeks is too much if you just met them because then the dating has only been about sex" - I had sex with my gf at least 5-10 times in the first 2-3 weeks... so yeah. I don't think the two are correlated.

 

Agree with the poster who said earlier to message her as if you are dumping her. Do it just for kicks and laughs. I also bet you will get a response quickly. This is over anyway.

[EndlessNemesis]

If she wasn't responding to you, a gentleman should take that as a sign to not continue. If she wasn't participating in sex and was just lying there -- why would you have continued??

Maybe you missed some of her cues and she felt like you took advantage of her?

 

I didn't take advantage of her at all, she asked me to go to bed with her and she was into it while we took each others clothes off and during foreplay. It was only during the sex itself that she didn't really do much other than kiss. Obviously if she didn't want it at all then I wouldn't have continued!

[fabact]

I didn't take advantage of her at all, she asked me to go to bed with her and she was into it while we took each others clothes off and during foreplay. It was only during the sex itself that she didn't really do much other than kiss. Obviously if she didn't want it at all then I wouldn't have continued!

 

Call me old fashioned but I would wait to have sex. it's just too soon and if you feel nervous with the person then it's just better to wait iMO. it also builds up the desire between the two of you. I waited over a month with my bf and if I had the willpower I wish I waited even more. See, you want to first build the emotional connection. That's my opinon.

[Honeycomb8]

She clearly isn't the type to wait for sex, if she's already done it fmwith him 3 times within 6 dates haha. Everyone does things differently, but I too would wait way more dates before I do anything.

[EndlessNemesis]

She clearly isn't the type to wait for sex, if she's already done it fmwith him 3 times within 6 dates haha. Everyone does things differently, but I too would wait way more dates before I do anything.

 

To be honest, she wanted to take me back to her place and have sex within the first few hours of meeting her. I said no because I liked her and I didn't just want a drunken one night stand.

 

I met her a week later for our first (sort of) date and she came back to mine and we had sex. Technically this wasn't even really a date as it was an event we both happened to be going to, other people were involved.

 

I guess my point is that maybe she was just looking for sex and nothing more serious, if she had any kind of emotions towards me then she wouldn't have ghosted me!

[Sportster2005]

The same reason everyone gets ghosted. It's socially acceptable now. It sucks, but it is the new reality. Sorry.

[progprof2017]

I was ghosted as well, after 14 months together. Can I tell you what I've learned? It's all about the GHOSTER, not you. People who vanish like that are conflict avoidant, and have issues with intimacy, emotional availability, and honesty. Not good traits for a long-term partner. Think about it- do you want someone who can't communicate?

 

As to the factors that lead up to the ghosting- you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out, and most likely you'll be way off. The reasons why she ghosted doesn't really matter. Take it for what it is, and what it says about HER.