Is it worth going back or is this a red flag?

[Throwaway35029]

Hi! Sorry for the long post but I'm looking for an outsiders opinion.

 

So my girlfriend and I dated for a little over a year.

 

The first thing about her is she is extremely busy person (high level competitive/social sports, involved in community, college, work, etc.)

That said we were compatible together, had the same values and humor, enjoyed each other's company, never fought, had fun together etc. I also have great admiration for her for how passionate she is and the work she puts for the community and this is really something which I look for in a partner.

 

One thing worth mentioning is that while I love her I was quite unsure if she felt the same about me. She had been in a difficult long term relationship and was very scared of getting emotionally hurt again. Her actions never led me to believe that she didn't but never said it despite me saying it several times.

 

It all started to unravel a few months ago. I fell into some depression when a lot of my social circle moved away and I had to give away my main hobby. This resulted in me becoming more reliant on her to fill in the gaps (although I didn't realize at the time). At the same time she had to take on lots more work and our relationship was the main thing to take a hit. We went from seeing each other 2-3 times a week to 2-3 times a fortnight (of which two of those might just be for a 5 minute chat after work so really it was maybe an afternoon a weekend of actual quality time). When we would see each other she would be exhausted but she was still making the effort.

 

After an especially busy period I sort of hit a breaking point. I told her that i was fine with things for the moment because all of the work was coming to an end but in the future she needed prioritize our relationship more (back to 2-3 times a week). She said she was not able to promise that and that things always come up in her life and didn't want to disappoint me.

 

We broke up but remained on good terms and it's been about 6 weeks. After coming through the depression I am trying to decide whether its a good idea to go back and try and re-kindle the relationship. I became dependant on her to fill some of the gaps in my life which she was unable to do and this was making me miserable. I have spent time fixing this and rebuilding a social circle so I am comfortable that I won't fall into the same trap. But, is her saying she may not be able to commit time to our relationship/say she loves me a red flag? Or am I asking too much?

 

I really see a future with this girl but I think I need an unbiased opinion from an outsider.

[DanZee]

She doesn't have time for a serious relationship. I've actually been there, so I know about this situation. You can't hang onto friends other than the ones at work. You demanded that she give up working as hard as she does and spend more time with you. That's kind of an unreasonable request. She doesn't have the time to do that, so you basically broke up with her. Now you want to get back together? I'm sure she would be confused by this. You pulled a power play to get her to stop working and it didn't work. Sorry.

 

Basically, you have to find someone who is more available. Move on and find someone new.

[Hollyj]

No. Nothing will be different. She does not have time for a relationship.

 

You should go NC, if there are feelings, as you will not be able to move on, if you are communicating.

 

Time to also enhance your friend circle and hobbies, so that you are not so reliant on others.

[MissCanuck]

I would not bother trying to re-kindle this. She does not have enough time to be your girlfriend and the same problems would recur.

 

Depressed or not, seeing your own girlfriend a couple times every two weeks (when you're not long-distance) would be unsatisfactory for most people. You weren't wrong in wanting to see more of her; she just can't or doesn't want to prioritize a boyfriend at this time.

[Rustysuit]

She doesn't have time for a serious relationship. I've actually been there, so I know about this situation. You can't hang onto friends other than the ones at work. You demanded that she give up working as hard as she does and spend more time with you. That's kind of an unreasonable request. She doesn't have the time to do that, so you basically broke up with her. Now you want to get back together? I'm sure she would be confused by this. You pulled a power play to get her to stop working and it didn't work. Sorry.

 

Basically, you have to find someone who is more available. Move on and find someone new.

 

What a load of bull

 

If someone loves you, that person will ABSOLUTELY make time to offer it to you. And what part of asking for what you deserve/need is unreasonable?

 

It's her personal choice to do whatever and choose whatever path, but w.t.f. you're saying that OP shouldn't have asked for nothing? Meanwhile settling in a unhappy relation where he's treated like an option.

 

I really wish people would get their high horse sometimes on this forum. It's getting ridiculous.

 

She didn't want a relation. That's okay, her right, it's normal and it happens. Very sad for the other part, but normal. But to say he was wrong on asking for a simple thing as more time together and realizing it was not going to happen? I think OP was VERY reasonable and you need to redefine your standards.

[DancingFool]

I've been walking in her shoes pretty much all my life. It's not that she doesn't care about you or the relationship. I do think that she was being completely honest with you that she can't stop being who she is and that means that there will be times when she will be more busy than you like and not available to you as much as you would like. You might really admire her passion, but that's the consequence of having such passion - she won't be available to you as you wish. I think you need to decide if you can be good with that and have enough on your own plate that you aren't bothered by this or whether you do need someone who is going to be more available to spend time with you.

 

It's quality time v quantity time and there will be times when it's neither and your relationship hopefully is strong enough and secure enough to be fine. Again, some people are very good with that and many are not. I always found that I can only date guys who are very similarly busy, passionate about what they do, because then we just get each other and understand that the passion and the time dedicated to it is not in competition with the relationship and our feelings for each other. It's not an either/or situation, but rather both co-exist together at once.