I caused my own heart break..

[ImokIthink]

I caused my own heart break..

 

Can I even be heartbroken if I’m the cause of the pain and emptiness I feel or am I just lonely..?

 

I met an amazing woman we became best friends before pursuing a relationship. I disappointed her many times than I can even admit to. Attempted to break up with her to avoid feeling any guilt about sleeping with another woman (It didn’t happen). It was only a thought but there’s been too many of these thoughts. I pursued her because I convinced myself that I was ready for a monogamous relationship although I was coming from years of no title with multiple girls.

In my mind she was the one the way we met was confirmation at least that’s what we both believed all along.

Our relationship was the best thing that’s ever happened to both of us, we were happy, we went on trips, she would take me on what she referred to as “girlfriend dates” sponsored by her and they were amazing. We would compete to top each other date ideas and things between us, communication, Love, friendship seems great.

I was really happy for the first time in my life and everything seemed to go so smooth we would barely argue and when we did, she would communicate with me and I’d do the same until we reached a mutual agreement and said our apologies. She was a better communicator than I was because before my idea of communication was going ghost until I felt it was necessary to reach out (horrible). As the relationship progressed I learned to communicate better and addressed situations as they occurred rather than ignore them.

So much more to the story than I can write about.

 

But for the last three months our relationship has failed because I’ve let her down and broken her trust and her heart too many times and now she’s entertaining guys. I recently stopped communicating with her after finding out she’s doing so (entertaining guys) but denying it yet having me under the impression that as long as I work on myself we can resume things. I started therapy, mind you I have damn near two therapists that I’m paying out of pocket to help me figure out the root cause of my behavior.

We haven’t talked going on two weeks and it’s difficult because she’s all that I think of everyday, but my pride won’t let me reach out to her and not solely that but also the fact that she’s denying talking to guys. So that’s the current stage we’re at but I don’t want to chase anyone because you give people a reason to run when you chase them. But at the same time I fear losing her because for the past three years she’s all that I’ve known. We’ve discussed marriage, family, and I still would like to achieve all those things with my Ambitious Girl!

Prior to completely stopping all communication with her I wasn’t answering her calls and she came over while I was asleep to discuss why I was upset at her but I refused to because I had already been lied to once about her entertaining people and honestly if that’s what she wants to pursue I’m cool with falling back but I wasn’t going to explain things to her just to have her lie in my face about it, if they’re that important that you’re lying to me, someone you not too long ago regarded as your best friend then I would rather not be bother at all.

I haven’t talked to anyone else and I don’t plan on doing so because I haven’t even forgiven myself for the hurt and pain I’ve caused her when all she wanted to do was love me and asked of me nothing but respect, loyalty and honesty and I couldn’t even afford her those simple things.

 

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

[DanZee]

Well, if you want some advice, you'll have to give us an accurate picture about what you've been doing to "disappoint her." If you're cheating on her and she's seeing other guys, then you've already broken up and you have to move on with your life.

[Dominique]

You couldn't give her loyalty, honesty and respect but now you won't communicate with her because she lied to you about possibly seeing other people when you aren't together anymore?

 

I'm confused.....

[ThatwasThen]

But for the last three months our relationship has failed because I’ve let her down and broken her trust and her heart too many times and now she’s entertaining guys.

What did you expect her to stick around while you abused her emotionally?

 

You have a lot to learn about cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

 

If you want this girl then you should never have ignored her when she came to see you. You are immature and frankly, you've not changed one iota since she said the two of you could work on things if you were going to change.

 

Keep seeing a therapist (why two?) and get to why you self-sabotaged this relationship with a girl you so value.

[ImokIthink]

Well, if you want some advice, you'll have to give us an accurate picture about what you've been doing to "disappoint her." If you're cheating on her and she's seeing other guys, then you've already broken up and you have to move on with your life.

 

I failed to stop entertaining my exes yet attempting to seem convincing that I had no feelings for them and it became a pattern, writing this alone got me realizing what an idiot I am and I brought too much toxic and unnecessary bs to this girl I so called cared about and I'm realizing I truly don't deserve her, I'm lonely and therefore the pain is stemming from that. Because here it is I had someone amazing but I was selfish and inconsiderate and now I'm reaping the seeds of my mess I created.

[ImokIthink]

You couldn't give her loyalty, honesty and respect but now you won't communicate with her because she lied to you about possibly seeing other people when you aren't together anymore?

 

I'm confused.....

 

Yes, the joke is on me for being the clown of the century, really. I recalled she would always say that when it came to expressing my feelings I knew the feelings of being hurt yet failing to put myself in her shoes when it came to the pain that I was creating, it was during this that somehow I was failing to take notice of the damage I caused on her. But I've decided to not be selfish anymore and to just leave her alone to find happiness elsewhere since I failed horribly at providing that. A lot of things she once said are not becoming evident in my behavior and I'm seeing that maybe after all I wasn't in love as I thought but rather was in love with the idea because I failed too many times at proving the love I had when it came to the honoring the little she asked and expected of me.

[ImokIthink]

What did you expect her to stick around while you abused her emotionally?

 

You have a lot to learn about cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

 

If you want this girl then you should never have ignored her when she came to see you. You are immature and frankly, you've not changed one iota since she said the two of you could work on things if you were going to change.

 

Keep seeing a therapist (why two?) and get to why you self-sabotaged this relationship with a girl you so value.

 

I definitely appreciate the feedback as blunt as it can be given because everything being stated is absolutely truthful about me, my character and idiotic nature. I'm seeing two therapist because we have limited schedules and the bulk of their availability doesn't fit my schedule. I only cared about my feelings through this ordeal because as something as little as her lying to me made me act that way when I have been lying and making promises that haven't been kept yet she still hasn't cut me off goes to show how selfish I've been to this poor girl. Therefore, I'm just going to keep my distance and allow her to get over this calamity brought to her by me. I have issues of my own that I need to work on because I really convinced myself into believing that my behavior was somewhat acceptable and normal..

[Dominique]

Sounds like a good idea. I'm sorry you both are hurt. I am wishing the best for both of you.