Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I have met a wonderful man and we plan to be married very soon. I have always trusted him and our relationship has been built on strong trust. He has male and female friends who I feel there is no issue and whom I get along with very well. However, I have always sensed an odd feeling about one particular female friend. I hoped this was just a case of paranoia but the other day his phone bleeped a text message as I was walking past and I saw her name flash up. I then asked him who it was from and so he told me a different name. I asked him if it was really from this girl and then he admitted it was. I can't understand why he would have lied. I am not jealous or possessive and get along great with his friends, but while he tells me their names when they text, when this particular girl texts him he always says it is just a friend and never says her name. To be fair to prove to me there is nothing going he called the girl and she confirmed there is nothing going on. Even she did not understand why he lied about the text being from her. Does anyone have any advice on why he would have felt the need to lie? I am not possessive and know he speaks to a lot of females and I have absolutely no issue. His reason for lying was because he didn't want me to think something was going on. So why when his other female friends text does he say who it is but not this one? I am confused over this and don't want it to destroy what we have. Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Why have you always had an odd sense about this one particular friend? Did he know you felt uncomfortable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanZee Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I think you've already figured this one out. He likes this woman, she likes him, and he probably figures you would get jealous if you knew they chatted as frequently as they do. I would ask you if you're OK with him having a close woman friend. A lot of women can't handle that. They think they should be all the female company their man needs. My girlfriend had started getting jealous of the woman who cuts my hair and I actually brought my gf down to the salon to meet and talk to her, so it seems that your bf did that with you over the phone. Unless you have evidence of him cheating with her, I would tell you to ignore it, or ask your bf every so often how she is doing. Try to be cool with it. Otherwise, if you get jealous, it could drive him away from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 I think my odd feelings about this situation began when whenever his phone went off he would say, "Oh, I've just had a text off so-and-so.. (name given)." He always says the name without my asking, if you get what I mean. However, on particular occasions he would simply say, "Oh, that was a text off my friend." And never say the name. So I would ask him, "Oh, which one?" Quite matter of fact. Then he would say either, "Oh, just a friend." or only then say her name. I'm not sure he if knew I felt uncomfortable. I certainly have never told him or said bad things about this girl. He actually has a handful of female friends whom I have spoken to quite frequently, gone to their houses for dinner, etc., and do not have a problem with them. I'm not so jealous but can't understand why he would lie and say the text was from someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I think its because he feels guilt/shame over her contact for some reason. I think he may have a crush on her. Of course that's only a guess but it makes sense because he wouldn't want you to think that he is paying her too much attention. Do they spend any one-on-one time together? Has she ever confessed to being attracted to him or him to her? Have they been friends for a long time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 ThatwasThen: I was hoping that wasn't the case but have unfortunately had these suspicions myself. They've never met in person, only speak via text message (as far as I know) They briefly had an online fling but he has since had a couple of dating girlfriends before he met me They actually met on an online dating site. I only found out how they had met when I challenged over who had really text him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 ThatwasThen: I was hoping that wasn't the case but have unfortunately had these suspicions myself. They've never met in person, only speak via text message (as far as I know) They briefly had an online fling but he has since had a couple of dating girlfriends before he met me They actually met on an online dating site. I only found out how they had met when I challenged over who had really text him. Having had an online fling (whatever that may be) and the fact that the met online does not make them friends. It makes them a couple with a sexual/romantic connection. Their contact is inappropriate, he knows it and that is why he hides it from you is my guess. Do you have any guys from your online dating days that you have contact with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 The thing I am worried about is delivering an ultimatum. That is something I do not want to do or feel I should have to. He even asked me if I wanted him to block her from his phone but I told him that his self control should be enough without the need for blocking or it being my decision. I also told him ending the friendship with her would be his decision and not mine as I do not want him to think that I am the type of girlfriend who orders her boyfriend who and whom not to speak to. I actually did make a couple of friends online from a few years ago whom I added on my FB/social media and who can clearly see pictures of myself and my boyfriend and the progression our relationship is making. I rarely speak regularly to them but my BF knows about them and has unlimited access to our conversations. The only comments these people make are how happy they are for us and 'Like' the pictures of us together as a couple. However, when they send out a comment I immediately tell him and/or show him the comment(s). There are no private messages and I have never told him it is another friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 The thing I am worried about is delivering an ultimatum. That is something I do not want to do or feel I should have to. He even asked me if I wanted him to block her from his phone but I told him that his self control should be enough without the need for blocking or it being my decision. I also told him ending the friendship with her would be his decision and not mine as I do not want him to think that I am the type of girlfriend who orders her boyfriend who and whom not to speak to. How dumb (IMO). You don't like it, you are suspicious of him/her, you have started a thread about it because it niggles at you so much yet here you are trying to be "the cool" girlfriend when you're really just wanting it all to stop. He asked you if you wanted him to block her... Why didn't you just say, "yes, that would be the right thing to do considering your history." You wouldn't be the "type of girlfriend that orders her boyfriend around" if he asked you if you wanted her blocked for goodness sakes. Why can't people just allow themselves to be vulnerable to their S.O. instead of putting on a show of security that isn't actually there? I actually did make a couple of friends online from a few years ago whom I added on my FB/social media and who can clearly see pictures of myself and my boyfriend and the progression our relationship is making. I rarely speak regularly to them but my BF knows about them and has unlimited access to our conversations. The only comments these people make are how happy they are for us and 'Like' the pictures of us together as a couple. However, when they send out a comment I immediately tell him and/or show him the comment(s). There are no private messages and I have never told him it is another friend.I suppose a compromise would be him being as open with his online friends as you have been instead of acting suspect and guilty. The question still remains why he is acting "suspect and guilty." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 I absolutely understand what you are saying and totally agree with your point. My reasons for not giving him an ultimatum is because I feel he just be strong enough himself not to wish to speak to another female in secret (in an ideal world). What really bothered me is from the beginning he asked me who I had made 'friends' with online and asked who they were and if there is any more he doesn't know about. So I told him each and every name and pointed out that they all know (through social Media) I am in a relationship and they can all clearly see photographs of us together so they all know there is no chance of us hooking up. More so, I have several members of my boyfriend's family online so they can all clearly see what comments are posted. I have just asked him again why he felt the need to lie and he said he didn't want me to feel hurt that he was speaking to another woman he had met online. I then pointed out that he always mentions the other woman's name who he met online so why not this particular one. He couldn't really answer only that they haven't spoken since the other night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I absolutely understand what you are saying and totally agree with your point. My reasons for not giving him an ultimatum is because I feel he just be strong enough himself not to wish to speak to another female in secret (in an ideal world). What really bothered me is from the beginning he asked me who I had made 'friends' with online and asked who they were and if there is any more he doesn't know about. So I told him each and every name and pointed out that they all know (through social Media) I am in a relationship and they can all clearly see photographs of us together so they all know there is no chance of us hooking up. More so, I have several members of my boyfriend's family online so they can all clearly see what comments are posted. I have just asked him again why he felt the need to lie and he said he didn't want me to feel hurt that he was speaking to another woman he had met online. I then pointed out that he always mentions the other woman's name who he met online so why not this particular one. He couldn't really answer only that they haven't spoken since the other night. He's hiding his feeling about her from you. If he loves you, he'll distance himself from her without you giving him any type of ultimatum. In the meantime, since you won't tell him your real feelings about him talking to her, then you'll just have to grin and bear. their interaction(s). Think is, now that it's an elephant in the room, it's going to be harder for you to bear. You said as far as you know they've never met in person. Have you asked him if they have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 No, he just said they had never met in person as they live in different states. I really do appreciate your advice too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 How dumb (IMO). You don't like it, you are suspicious of him/her, you have started a thread about it because it niggles at you so much yet here you are trying to be "the cool" girlfriend when you're really just wanting it all to stop. He asked you if you wanted him to block her... Why didn't you just say, "yes, that would be the right thing to do considering your history." You wouldn't be the "type of girlfriend that orders her boyfriend around" if he asked you if you wanted her blocked for goodness sakes. Why can't people just allow themselves to be vulnerable to their S.O. instead of putting on a show of security that isn't actually there? I agree. Astrogirl, this is the time to clean house! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 So you think I should give him an ultimatum and tell him to rid himself of this girl? I'm always afraid of giving ultimatums as it feels as if the other party is being forced and it may backfire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Yes, it could backfire. Better now than three years from now, when you are married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 So you think I should give him an ultimatum and tell him to rid himself of this girl? I'm always afraid of giving ultimatums as it feels as if the other party is being forced and it may backfire. You don't have to give him an ultimatum. All you have to do is say you've been thinking about his offer to block her and to quit chatting with her and it would actually make you feel better if he did. If he argues that he doesn't want to now then you have all the information you need about his emotional involvement with her. He asked you if you wanted him to block her. Tell him the truth and tell him why ~ That its inappropriate considering their history and the inappropriateness of it makes you anxious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 I just don't want him to throw it back in my face a few months or years from now and say: you made me lose a friend because of your insecurity. He has admitted he loves her as a friend just like he loves his male friends as he wouldn't be a Christian if he didn't love people. I did challenge him on this and told him although I too love my friends I can't say the same for the ones I have never met. I don't know whether this is just his way or he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. It's a shame this has happened so close to our wedding date as before I would have trusted him alone in a room full of women. Now I feel tense every time his phone bleeps and even though I never ask him who it is I can't help but wonder... I do hope my trust can heal from this but I thank you both for your great advice which offers me strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 Don't worry about what he might say in the future. Only worry if he hedges about deleting her because he shouldn't have any trouble getting rid of someone he's never met. He shouldn't even be continuing contact with someone he's cybered with before if that's what they did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 I love him so very much but now I am left wondering whether I should place our wedding on hold or to forgive him and move on together. I feel so crushed he broke my trust as out of anyone I never thought he ever would as our trust has always been 110% on both sides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 I love him so very much but now I am left wondering whether I should place our wedding on hold or to forgive him and move on together. I feel so crushed he broke my trust as out of anyone I never thought he ever would as our trust has always been 110% on both sides. Talk to HIM, Astrogirl. He's the only one that can fix this. For all you know, its not a big deal to him. This thread may have just started on a run-away track to anxiety. The bottom line is that his contact with her bothers you. Tell him why it bothers you. Tell him that you'd never give him an ultimatum to delete her but now that he knows how you're feeling about her, would he still feel okay being in contact with her. Don't tell him to get rid of her, make it his idea that he has (if he does). Use your own dialogue that you are most comfortable with. You're going to marry him, surely you should feel secure in telling him your feelings on anything... no? Good luck, let us know what you decide to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 Thank you. We had a heart to heart and he says he has not spoken to her since it all was brought out into the open. I am inclined to believe him and give him another chance. I just still feel a little raw over the whole incident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 That's good. Hopefully you are both on the same page, now. If you are going to commit to a relationship, make sure you are getting what you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrogirl Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 Thank you so much. Your help has offered me comfort and for me to stand up for myself a little better than I have Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 Thank you so much. Your help has offered me comfort and for me to stand up for myself a little better than I have You go girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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