melody147 Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 hi, i'm a 22 year old college student who was dating my 31 yr old boyfriend for seven months until about two weeks ago (best friends for a total of three years). Turns out after a fight we had the last week of August he began talking to another girl behind my back-my 20 year old friend and colleague. He brought up doubts about our relationship two weeks ago and for about 11 days said it had to do with my lack of maturity, that we were in different places in life, that the big fight we had in August changed things, etc. Finally after 11 days and me pushing he admitted he was emotionally cheating with me on someone. Suspecting the girl, I asked if it was her and he said no. Called her the next night and she said it was her. After hearing how serious we had been and that he had lied to her and said me and him broke up 3 weeks prior (when it was the day before)-he asked her out the day after leaving me- she confronted and left him. Probably felt guilty af. I guess they'd been dating a week and a half? Anyway I'm struggling a lot because I come from a tradition where dating/physicality happens with the guy you marry and he knew that, and he had similar values (I thought). And yet he was physical with me while talking to this girl, didn't tell me that the fight had been bothering him, etc. During those aforementioned 11 days I told him I would work on things, that I was so sorry about the fight because I thought we'd resolved it and that I would work on everything...which I was. The fight had to do with him not making an effort in my mind to meet up with me the week after I returned from studying abroad during the summer (just 7 weeks). We had spent part of the wknd together but I missed him a lot and him not making an effort to see me made me say some really ty stuff like let's break up; we're not happy anymore; we don't have a reason stay together; etc. I instantly took it back however because I realized it was immature to break up just because I was hurt; and that I loved him; and that couples intent on marriage have to work through things. We talked in person either that day or the next day I think; and we started holding hands and I felt the tension dissolve. We started touching each other (LOL SORRY YES IN THE CAR) and for an hour just kinda held each other. He was like "you're going to work on things" and i said "yeah, i will." a few days later is when the emotional cheating started. anyway I keep torturing myself about how this was my fault; how I shouldn't have said such immature things in the fight...I literally begged him to give me a second chance during that 11 day interim and yet by that point he was either about to or had started dating this girl. This was the guy who said he loved me all the time; with whom I had three years of amazing history and we went through so much to be together. And when I spoke to him a couple days ago (after she left him and me and her both confronted him)... he was like we just weren't compatible; I didn't want to try anymore. And I feel like it's my fault. If I hadn't been stupid in the fight-if it hadn't happened-we could still be together now. How did he give up on 3 years of friendship and companionship so readily for a girl he'd been talking to for a month? When I chatted w/ him a few days ago he said things like we weren't compatible; we had to break up; "ill always appreciate the effort you put into our friendship and relationship"; "i didn't want to work on it anymore; "i stopped caring about taking care of things" (things being I guess ... his love for me?). He wanted to marry me. I don't understand what happened. I'm broken. have since blocked him on whatsapp because i had been asking him to do it (in addition to deleting any photos of me on his phone and throwing away my gifts)-and he refused on all three counts. how do i resolve my guilt, yearning for him...and understand how he just threw away everything so easily? not just our relationship but our friendship. I could write a book about our friendship but we've been inseparable for the past three years essentially. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Leave him in the past. He's a creepo that got close to someone a lot younger than himself and he disrespected your relationship. You can do much better. Better to find someone around you age (or at least within 5-6 years). I don't think any late 20's guy would take a girl barely out of their teens seriously. Link to comment
melody147 Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 Leave him in the past. He's a creepo that got close to someone a lot younger than himself and he disrespected your relationship. You can do much better. Better to find someone around you age (or at least within 5-6 years). I don't think any late 20's guy would take a girl barely out of their teens seriously. Yeah, I've learned my lesson. Judgment was clouded because he was my best friend and said that if I didn't give dating a chance we'd never be able to best friends again or something 'cause he'd have to move on? So I gave dating a chance, got invested...and am broken now. And yeah I think it was strange he went after a 19 year old while saying that he wanted to get married ASAP. He said she was more mature than me even though she was younger LOL. Still...19 year olds aren't running around getting married these days so? And I had told him I could get married in 2-3 years possibly. I wasn't giving him sex so IDK if that was an issue but religiously WE (same religion) dont' dot hat before marriage. And dating a 19 yr old who is of the same religion wouldn't give him sex faster 'cause she likely wouldn't get married in like six months to him. Link to comment
Hope1004 Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I agree. Cut him out of your life and focus on you. I recently got out of a complicated relationship with my "best friend" And now learning on focusing on me and my goals/dreams. Because in the end, it's about you. There is no relationship, friendship or love, if both people aren't putting in the effort. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 He used the fight as a smokescreen for his own disloyalty and wandering eye, so I wouldn't buy into the guilt thing. Link to comment
melody147 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 how do i stop blaming myself. i keep thinking if i had been different he wouldn't have left me for someone else. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 how do i stop blaming myself. i keep thinking if i had been different he wouldn't have left me for someone else. Either someone owns the capacity for disloyalty or they don't. If they do, they will use it no matter what you do. So that's on him, and now you get to decide whether you'll make it a goal to surprise everyone, including yourself with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this with new clarity about what you'll tolerate in future lovers, or you'll choose to use this experience to keep yourself miserable and harm your ability to date well in the future. It's a decision. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 how do i stop blaming myself. i keep thinking if i had been different he wouldn't have left me for someone else. O.K keep blaming yourself. What's that going to accomplish? It's unhealthy and unnecessary. You, and only you have the power to stop blaming yourself. I strongly doubt anything you did or could do, would save this. Tough break, but sometimes that's just that way it goes. You have to get to acceptance and move on, if you want to heal. Link to comment
melody147 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 I just miss my best friend so much. But yeah. I can't do anything. He was the one who sacrificed our friendship over this. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Is there any way these two identical threads can be merged? I'm finding it confusing. Link to comment
melody147 Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 i think im going to kill myself. im so sorry. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 i think im going to kill myself. im so sorry. Please don't you don't realize it now, but you are worthy of a good relationship and this guy didn't deserve you. There is something a lot better out there Link to comment
melody147 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 He called me a year later. Link to comment
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