3 Weeks of Silence from my Fiance

[chitown9]

My understanding, now, is that you actually hold out some hope that he will come around?

[PrincessBOT]

My understanding, now, is that you actually hold out some hope that he will come around?

 

I don't know if you saw these post from this past Wednesday I believe.

 

 

So one day before a full 8 weeks of silence I get a call from him. His number is not saved in my phone mainly so Whatsapp would not show my profile pic or status updates. He does not have any social media accounts so Whatsapp is it. So it took me a minute to figure out why the missed call number looked familiar, as I get so manny from telemarketer each day and I don't answer.

 

I did not return the call because he did not leave a message and I have no idea what the call is about and I did not like going into that situation. So I got a text this morning from him asking why are we oing this to ourselves?

 

I am so dissappointed because I hoped he would just get it especially after I laid it all out before this happened. Either he really does not get it or he is wanting to start the cycle over . 2 months and he comes back to me with a question as if I wanted to do this when it was clear I wanted us to set out date and get married while he kept going back and forth between we are not meant to be and we are getting married, but would not set a date.

 

Ideas on how I should handle this IF I respond to this?

 

I have in mind not to respond if/until he responds with something that addresses what really is the issue, he would not commit to us actually getting married after 1.5 years engaged.

 

He left a voicemail and called a 4 more time that I eventually answered last night. He wants to set a wedding date, he wanted to set it that night.

 

It appears he decided to overcome his fears and reservations. It's odd but that allowed me finally to tell him mine without it being in the back of my mind that he will see it as something to further delay marriage instead of a just a discussion.

 

So I relayed them to him and also let him know and we discussed ther things included him flip flopping all this year and then not answering about setting the wedding date the last time. He said he was sleepy that night (he kept dozing off) and wanted to go to bed he thought we could have a morning conversation like we've done, but I kicked him out when I walkes him to the door. He spent a good amount of the time away angry over that, but said he realized that is was not maliscious and that I was fruatrated and he understand and is wants to set a date.

 

I let him that night was the final straw after him agreeing to set a date. Also, that I am in a different state of mind as so much time went by and that I needed a few days. He said okay.

 

P.S. Chi...I listened to the Men Who Can't Love Audible book again last night from beginning to end to prepare and know what to look out for and how to handle, just in case it's applicable.

 

He thought I was going to reach out to him and then he would express his anger at me making him leave when he would not set the wedding date. Without me saying another word in 2 months he told me how, he got over his anger, he figured it out, saw his part and as he told me put hisself in my shoes and he understands.

 

I have read that is what some guys need, the woman to walk away so they are forced to deal with having to make a definite decision without the comfort of knowing the women will be around and really face what it means to lose her and not have her in his life. I read where it has taken men longer than 2 months, but if they come back they feel it is their decision. Then they are ready to commit whether it be to a committed relationship, proposing marriage or getting married. Which seems to be the case in my situation as he is eager to set a wedding date now as I try to refocus because I was moving on with life without him.

 

So right now he is the one waiting on me to agree to set a date. Althought I needed some time I will practice what what I preach and get back to him shortly, most likely tonight. My main concern that remains related to this.

 

He has shown you he lacks staying power when it comes to major decisions. If you think you want a family with this person many of those decisions are major and involve strong commitment and staying power.

your "minus' - in the way he chose to act -is a huge minus. please don't trivialize it, again, especially since you think he might be your co-parent someday.

Good luck.

 

Thanks, I am thinking these things through as I have the same reservation and said it to him in the past. If we have kids you will not have the luxury of time to make decisions the way you have accustomed yourself and that will be an issue because I will have to make moves without you. So I agree it is a very big consideration in that sense.

[chitown9]

Ok, here is the thing. Men who have this phobia do actually get married sometimes. BUT, they are not truly married in spirit. Why do I say that? Because they find many ways to throw up distance within the frame of the marriage. Examples: workaholics, golf nuts, cheating with other women etc. So, even if the two of you got married tonight, this most likely would be the type of marriage that you have. chi

[PrincessBOT]

Ok, here is the thing. Men who have this phobia do actually get married sometimes. BUT, they are not truly married in spirit. Why do I say that? Because they find many ways to throw up distance within the frame of the marriage. Examples: workaholics, golf nuts, cheating with other women etc. So, even if the two of you got married tonight, this most likely would be the type of marriage that you have. chi

 

I understand, but that has not been our day to day relationship. To that extent at one time he would stonewall, shutdown when we got in disagreements, but he worked on that and got better. The book gave the married commitmentphone scenarios, but he did not fall into or do the things mentioned for worse case scenario commitmentphobe or the married commitment phobe who does not want to be settled. In our day to day relationship he acted as if we were already settled down and married and the was the issue for me because we were not.

 

The book mentioned ways to minimize commitmentphobe tendencies amd maximize the chance for healthy, positive relationship growth, many of which I'd started already out of sheer frustraton. It says that one needs a vacation away from him. 1. Retreat as far back as you can go, I did and was willing to stay away forever 2. Don't phone him to check on him, I did not and was prepared never to again 3. Do start thinking about your future with other men ( I did and went on a lunch date). It say walk way for a while, regain emotional control (I did over the last two months), and carefully evaluate his reactions and that when he has plans to change it should be specific. He has been specific and the book say that in that case when that happens I have a real edge and to use it to make positive change in the relationship. It also say if he is willing to commit to therapy/counseling it a good sign because most will not. We have not discussed therapy this particular time, but we did couple's therarpy earlier in the year, we could again. He is open to it because of his fear of divorce he is open to anything that seems to give him an assurance that once married there will be no divorce. His issue is fear of divorce and allowing that fear to stop us from moving forward.

[chitown9]

Well, the commitment phobia experience is very emotionally draining and certainly a utterly confusing. I was hoping that you would choose to just stay clear away from it.

 

It will be interesting to see if he will go to therapy and be honest about it. Please keep us all posted. I wish the best for you.

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t assume he has any phobia or disorder. He’s shown you by his actions he is not committed to you and needs to be convinced to marry you other than his sudden change of heart in the last few days. It doesn’t matter if he would be ready to marry a different person - happens all the time. I would simply assume he is not sufficiently interested in marrying you in general and I’d weigh that against his sudden change of heart and his decision to disappear for 2 months. If he’d asked for two months apart to get therapy or counseling and have a break that’s one thing but he disappeared for two months. You even started being interested in another guy which is totally normal.

[boltnrun]

So...what date for the wedding has been set?

 

"I'm now ready to set a date" is not the same as "Let's get married on January 13th 2018".

[PrincessBOT]

Well, the commitment phobia experience is very emotionally draining and certainly a utterly confusing. I was hoping that you would choose to just stay clear away from it.

 

It will be interesting to see if he will go to therapy and be honest about it. Please keep us all posted. I wish the best for you.

 

 

I am still thinking things through and not sure that I will get back into it. There have been very valid points presented on the actions, lack of actions and timing on his part. They are not lost on me. I also have presented other views based on the other parts of our relationship that I will be taking in consideration in getting back together. I will definitely update, thanks.

 

I wouldn’t assume he has any phobia or disorder. He’s shown you by his actions he is not committed to you and needs to be convinced to marry you other than his sudden change of heart in the last few days. It doesn’t matter if he would be ready to marry a different person - happens all the time. I would simply assume he is not sufficiently interested in marrying you in general and I’d weigh that against his sudden change of heart and his decision to disappear for 2 months. If he’d asked for two months apart to get therapy or counseling and have a break that’s one thing but he disappeared for two months. You even started being interested in another guy which is totally normal.

+

 

He has always said he wanted to marry and he did propose so it was not a sudden change of heart. More like a sudden wake up call that I was really going to stay gone and life about me was going to be for real. He would not have the luxury of me being around for him to flip flop and procrastinate. At least that is what I'd like to think is the case and not that he will flip flp again. So he is now ready to set a date that has been my goal from outset, thought I gave up on it weeks ago.

 

So...what date for the wedding has been set?

 

"I'm now ready to set a date" is not the same as "Let's get married on January 13th 2018".

 

He wanted to come and set a date that night. Granted if it were many weeks before I would have been planning a wedding right now. After two months I needed a little time as I was really moving on with my life. So odd turn of the table as he is now eagerly waiting on me to set a date. As I practice what I preach so to speak I will not take long, but I just needed to think things through and get some objectivity.

[abitbroken]

For me, being in the priesthood explained to me why he was okay with just kissing and was okay with waiting for sex - because he was celibate during the priesthood - what's another little while going to hurt.

 

From what I see it come from his priesthood training and time as a priest when so much time was spent praying and meditating on things. I have expressed to him that is a good idea to have but the time he takes is unrealistic in the world. He will take a week to respond to an email where he felt the person wrote something he did not like. I am in the background so to speak telling him look just deal with it atleast respond with answer even if you don't want to deal with anything else of the situation.

 

But when a priest prays and meditates on things, they still are interactive in their church or monastery or school community. They might want more time to meditate upon and consider a decision - but they don't shut themselves off from the people they are praying about/for in the least. If a priest goes on a retreat or saabatical its an announced or planned thing. he didn't say "i am going to a cabin in the woods for a week with no technology to really be alone with my thoughts to pray and meditate on this --- he just disappeared. This is NOT acceptable in a marriage or long term relationship. its not even acceptable in families. People put out missing persons reports in that case.

 

That is the point i am trying to make

 

You are rationalizing "this is what he needed" which is all fine and good, but when you are married, you don't get to disappear - its against the good of the marriage. What about all that honoring and cherishing? is he cherishing you if he turns his back on you and decides YOU need to chase him? If he had stayed in touch or told you or even if he had officially BROKEN UP that is an acceptable response because its communication. if he broke up with you and then decided he made the biggest mistake of his life and begged to have you back that's a different story. But he's just upset that you never contacted him - and he says he wants a date now -- but the question is will be disappear every other time there is a major decision.

[PrincessBOT]

For me, being in the priesthood explained to me why he was okay with just kissing and was okay with waiting for sex - because he was celibate during the priesthood - what's another little while going to hurt.

 

From what I see it come from his priesthood training and time as a priest when so much time was spent praying and meditating on things. I have expressed to him that is a good idea to have but the time he takes is unrealistic in the world. He will take a week to respond to an email where he felt the person wrote something he did not like. I am in the background so to speak telling him look just deal with it atleast respond with answer even if you don't want to deal with anything else of the situation.

 

But when a priest prays and meditates on things, they still are interactive in their church or monastery or school community. They might want more time to meditate upon and consider a decision - but they don't shut themselves off from the people they are praying about/for in the least. If a priest goes on a retreat or saabatical its an announced or planned thing. he didn't say "i am going to a cabin in the woods for a week with no technology to really be alone with my thoughts to pray and meditate on this --- he just disappeared. This is NOT acceptable in a marriage or long term relationship. its not even acceptable in families. People put out missing persons reports in that case.

 

That is the point i am trying to make

 

You are rationalizing "this is what he needed" which is all fine and good, but when you are married, you don't get to disappear - its against the good of the marriage. What about all that honoring and cherishing? is he cherishing you if he turns his back on you and decides YOU need to chase him? If he had stayed in touch or told you or even if he had officially BROKEN UP that is an acceptable response because its communication. if he broke up with you and then decided he made the biggest mistake of his life and begged to have you back that's a different story. But he's just upset that you never contacted him - and he says he wants a date now -- but the question is will be disappear every other time there is a major decision.

 

I have really honed in on that with him. He says he was angry for a week and miserable the rest of the time. While he was miserable he used the time to pray about it as all thought about me and put himself in my shoes. My reaponse was so you were angry for week and praying for 7 weeks without thinking about the emational stages I would have to go through to gwt over that knowing based on your actions after 5 years you did not want to get married. Not that you told me you were praying or thinking and not only that your actions by staying away matched your actions of not setting a day, finally your actions matched and I accepted that.

 

He admitted that a big part of it was on him and he realizesd that. I also know that he is very stubborn and thought I would contact him, so he stayed miserable amd stubborn until he could had to decide on stubborness and pride or losing me. I really think to is something to men sensing when you are moving on, he called about 5 days after I met a guy and went on 2 lunch dates.

 

It is definitely not acceptable. There is a saying teach people how to treat you. Partners and all, this was bad, but I have not made light of it. If things work out it can never happen again. So that is understood it is not something that can happen in marriage if I agree to go forward.

[Batya33]

And has he told you how and what he is going to do to make sure he never makes that choice again? It was a very extreme choice and it was all about him - very self-absorbed.

[ManyDates]

Forgive me for not reading every post, but a girl I went on a few dates with a couple years back had recently gotten out of a 12 yr relationship with a guy that had also been stringing her along. Within one year he was engaged to the new girl and I assume by now married. Girl was devastated, quit dating and as far as I can tell still not over it. Move on. Someone said go watch "he's just not that into you" but I say go watch 500 (5 years) days of summer.

[PrincessBOT]

UPDATE:

 

We're getting married, the date and venue are booked.

 

It is true some men need the gift of space to relieve the pressure so that they can feel and know that it's truly their decision. If they get to that point it is like night and day and that was the case with us. He has always said he wanted to marry me. However, he let his fear of divorce hold him back and create barrier after barrier that he raised higher and higher to try and stay in what he apparently felt was a safe zone of perpetual engagement to be married. However, the reality of my permanent absence and really losing something he wanted me, to something, he needed to overcome, his fear, apparently jolted him. That along with the right people that were in his life to talk to him during the 2 months apart returned my fiance to me ready.

 

My goal was to set a date and we got a date and the great part is that although the 2 months were hard and I was really moving on I feel better about going forward with our life together with him eagerly wanting to as opposed if I would have felt like he set a date and were dragging his feet, which would have been the case 2 months. There has been a lot of discussion about what happened and how we will deal with situations in the future. I feel good about it and he does to, we are truly renewed and he is eagerly wanting our wedding date to approach, but we are functioning more like we are married already now more than before.

 

Do I wish we could have missed the drama and him seeming to prefer not to marry, yes, but I pray that the restored and improved understanding, openness, and closeness that it brought about continues through our union, which will take place in 4 months.

[Starlight925]

This is the way he handles stress. Prepare for a married life of much the same. When he feels stress, he will pull back, give you the silent treatment, and keep you on pins and needles.

 

I would not want to marry someone who goes away without so much as a text for a month, and then needs to have his friends, family, or whoever, talk him back into moving forward with me. I want someone who is his own adult, his own man, and makes his own adult decisions, and treats me as an adult, with respect. Disappearing for a month without a trace, and then returning like nothing has happened after being talked into it, is how a 4 year-old child handles stress.

 

This is your decision, and I wish you peace, but I don't think you'll have much of it.

[PrincessBOT]

This is the way he handles stress. Prepare for a married life of much the same. When he feels stress, he will pull back, give you the silent treatment, and keep you on pins and needles.

 

I would not want to marry someone who goes away without so much as a text for a month, and then needs to have his friends, family, or whoever, talk him back into moving forward with me. I want someone who is his own adult, his own man, and makes his own adult decisions, and treats me as an adult, with respect. Disappearing for a month without a trace, and then returning like nothing has happened after being talked into it, is how a 4 year-old child handles stress.

 

This is your decision, and I wish you peace, but I don't think you'll have much of it.

 

I have been dating since I was 15. I've had boyfriends who:

 

were in possession of illegal drugs while taking me out, I found out after we already left. I had others lie, cheat, steal, commit emotional abuse by cowardly distancing instead of leaving. I learned there will always be something about someone that is a reason I would not want to marry them. I intentionally did not marry, get pregnant by or have a baby with any of them because in my opinion their misdeeds were far too egregious. The same would have been applied to my fiance if I felt that way, but I do not feel that is because I know his was out of fear of divorce ( a concept that for some reason keeps getting ignored as a true ). I chose this and I know what I could possibly be dealing with before marriage (but doubt it will be a continuous issue now that he is past his fear) just as he does with me and that gives us a better odds of a successful marriage along with the other pre-engagement, pre-marital classes and couple's counseling in which we discussed what a real marriage is, not just the wedding.

 

By the way, you overstepped your boundaries in with the 4-year-old child comment especially since you don't realize that it is VERY ADULT and human to need other people whether it be emotionally or just to talk through things. It is childish to not realize that, there are whole professions that include it, psychologist, psychiatrist, social workers, priest, pastors, mentors. You have no true basis to even try and surmise what peace we will have just because I shared a few pieces of our 5-year relationship.

[Batya33]

That's good that he was willing to set a date and I hope he stays secure and steady and at peace about his decision to marry you and that you don't walk on eggshells given his behavior in the recent past.

[PrincessBOT]

That's good that he was willing to set a date and I hope he stays secure and steady and at peace about his decision to marry you and that you don't walk on eggshells given his behavior in the recent past.

 

Thanks! The way we are functioning has changed everything, it is no longer a feeling of walking on eggshells, Thank God. It has constantly been a committed feel and functioning as a committed couple, what it would have been before if he were not facing serious fears. If I could describe it I 'd say we got emotionally married already and are functioning as such. I always knew what he was like when he really wants to do something and there is not hesitation for whatever reason by how he handles everything else. Our relationship has changed in such a manner, I feel like I can say whatever and it's not being looked something he will use a barrier to marriage. I've tested it a couple of times and he passed with flying colors and not only that we handled it like we have handled other related relationship issues, marriage is not taboo anymore. I don't want to push it with the testing though, I felt back becaue he was obviously trying to repair things and get married, but I had to be sure. He is very transparent and I was also and it's great, I want to build on this.

[PrincessBOT]

UPDATE 

Hi all,

My fiance called after almost 2 months I believe it was. It took me some time to decide what I wanted to do. It involved him speaking with me,  my family, my family speaking to me and then us speaking. He wanted to be together and get married. After talking and prayer we set a date at the end of 2017 for April 29, 2018. We are coming up on our 3 year anniversary, have a 27 month old little girl and trying for one more baby. We are in the pandemic, still in love and doing great. He is an excellent father and husband.