3 Weeks of Silence from my Fiance

[PrincessBOT]

Doesn't sound like you got the book! chi

 

No,I have not. I am right in the middle of a course which concludes the end of November and all the time I have for reading books right now is going toward that. I am going to have to go with my gut in the relationship department because this course completion is more important to my future right now.

 

If you can thinks of anything from it that seems to apply to my situation please do share, it would be much appreciated.

[chitown9]

 

If you can thinks of anything from it that seems to apply to my situation please do share, it would be much appreciated.

 

Everything in the book applies to your situation.

[PrincessBOT]

Everything in the book applies to your situation.

 

 

 

I just listened to the audio snippet on Amazon and my mouth dropped and eyes popped open. You did not lie, it does apply. Everything in that small audio snippet spelled out exactly what I have been going through and writing on here. Woah! I will use Audible to listen to it and can do it while I drive.

[chitown9]

I just listened to the audio snippet on Amazon and my mouth dropped and eyes popped open. You did not lie, it does apply. Everything in that small audio snippet spelled out exactly what I have been going through and writing on here. Woah! I will use Audible to listen to it and can do it while I drive.

 

 

[ThatwasThen]

I really really did not want to because I knew the then boyfriend/ex boyfriend would come also.

Then the smart thing to have done was call the priest and tell him that you do not want him there but you would love to meet just him (the priest) for dinner before he leaves.

 

You fool yourself often into not getting rid of this guy for good, Princess.

 

A call from you telling him it is done and to never contact you through mutual friends or any other way ever again would more likely then not stop you from playing games with YOURSELF.

[PrincessBOT]

Then the smart thing to have done was call the priest and tell him that you do not want him there but you would love to meet just him (the priest) for dinner before he leaves.

 

You fool yourself often into not getting rid of this guy for good, Princess.

 

A call from you telling him it is done and to never contact you through mutual friends or any other way ever again would more likely then not stop you from playing games with YOURSELF.

 

"Smart", when it comes to love and matters of the heart, is subjective and almost irrelevant in some cases. People can give and get second chances that can and do work out. If it does not work out the forgiving or accepting person is not to blame as fooling and or playing games with theirself.

[ThatwasThen]

"Smart", when it comes to love and matters of the heart, is subjective and almost irrelevant in some cases. People can give and get second chances that can and do work out. If it does not work out the forgiving or accepting person is not to blame as fooling and or playing games with theirself.

This is why you've not found a good man that loves you, wants to marry you without all the BS this man has put you through. You let your emotions take over your common sense and over-rule your personal values even. You want to marry and have children and you stayed because of your emotions to a man that has played you for a long time now. You are playing games with yourself as well. You broke up with him, you blocked him but you knew he would be at the dinner with the priest so you played the game and you went instead of listening to yourself and staying away thereby doing the smart thing for your heart.

 

I'm really sorry that you are so much an idealist that you went to that dinner and started the whole process over again. Had you not gone, or told the priest only you and he go, had you gone zero contact and had conviction that he was full-of-it you would have been well over this turd by now and probably in a new relationship that would make the one with your ex seem like the nightmare that it is/was.

[boltnrun]

But it's been way more than a second chance. Seems like there were third, fourth, fifth chances.

 

Yes, he SAYS you two are getting married. But he doesn't marry you. And he won't.

 

It's good that you (I hope) realize this now and understand that if you choose to give him the umpteenth chance you'll stay in this exact situation forever.

[annie24]

When I think of my friends that have gotten married, all of them were basically living as husband and wife for years before the actual wedding took place. Most of them were living together for a few years before the wedding. For the ones that were younger and/or more religious, they had their lives intertwined with their fiance (for example, seeing and talking to each other daily). They certainly didn't go weeks without talking to each other. I'd urge you to consider putting an end to this situation and you can find a man who is excited to make you his bride. I think about a Facebook friend of mine (never met him in person), but he appeared to be a real ladies' man for years, until he met his now wife. He bragged that in under a year, he married her and had gotten her pregnant and he seems over the moon with her and their unborn daughter. He seems genuinely happy and I'm happy for them. Just goes to show that when a guy wants to get married, he does it. My dad proposed to my mom quickly as well (6 weeks!!!) and they got married a few days later.

[chitown9]

For all the posters who are concerned that the OP is still not getting it, do not despair. She will totally get it when she gets the information from the book I suggested to her. She has already expressed that she has looked into the book and will get it in audio.

 

It is so difficult when you are involved with a commitment phobe for the reason that they tell you what you want to hear and it feels so right to you that it is believable that he is truly in love with you. The truth is that he is, but their is another emotion that trumps love and that emotion is fear. Such an individual is conflicted between the two emotions and the results is the crazy behavior that results. When you are thick in the middle of such a "relationship," it is difficult to come to grips with what is happening because the love is there on the man's side. Couple that factor with the desire to believe what we want to hear, it is easy to be in denial. I have been there. That is how I know, and spent much too much time in the "relationship" myself. There can even be a tendency to romanticize the commitment phobic behavior as something that he can be "loved out of it." This man is not really playing her because he is not even understanding his own behavior. Waste her time....YES. But not really playing her. He just a very confused individual.

 

Some commitment phobics do get married, but guess what? They find ways to create distance within the marriage i.e. having affairs, making golf a career, becoming a workaholic etc. It is just as to do with what degree of commitment phobia the man (or woman) has.

 

So, I believe that the OP will come to understand that she needs to give up any hope of marriage to this man. Please don't be too hard on her. chi

[ThatwasThen]

Well, I'll agree that our Op is definitely in denial. What she writes in response to some of the replies makes it clear. Lets hope your book suggestion gives her the strength to cleanse this guy from her life for good. Actually ending it herself by telling him to stay our of her life for good will help her to stay strong because it will meant that she has taken back her personal power from him and placed it back in her own hands.

[abitbroken]

No,I have not. I am right in the middle of a course which concludes the end of November and all the time I have for reading books right now is going toward that. I am going to have to go with my gut in the relationship department because this course completion is more important to my future right now.

 

If you can thinks of anything from it that seems to apply to my situation please do share, it would be much appreciated.

 

Your future IS of utmost importance and that means you have to not accept any communication from him if he does communicate and you also must consider the relationship over. When you say "my future" you are talking about babies and marriage. The "future" can be anything that happens in the future and you need to make sure its a good one by making sure you talk sense into yourself to never go back with this man no matter what he does.

[PrincessBOT]

Just now, the first time in the 6 week I was asked by someone at my work do I have a date for my wedding. The first time telling that I am no longer engaged. I am not wearing my ring and have not for some time in hopes people would not ask. The way I was sitting he could not see my hand. He almost seemed hesitant though.

 

My ex-fiance (first time calling him that) and I still have not spoke or seen each other and still plan never to contact him again am feeling pretty sure he has the same sentiment. I am fine with it and looking forward to my future.

 

I got my smile back this week because I told my self at the beginning "I choose to be happy" that has been my affirmation this week and by God I have been. I find it sad about the broken enagagement, but I am not sad, oddly I feel a bit relieved. I thought about it lot less frequently, and am looking forwars to a the future

[annie24]

Big hugs. I am sure that must have been really a tough conversation to have. But I think you are right - and the future will be brighter for you as a result. This is one of those things that hurts a lot at first, but when you are happily married to someone else, you will feel at peace and be thankful that you didn't marry this guy.

[PrincessBOT]

Big hugs. I am sure that must have been really a tough conversation to have. But I think you are right - and the future will be brighter for you as a result. This is one of those things that hurts a lot at first, but when you are happily married to someone else, you will feel at peace and be thankful that you didn't marry this guy.

 

Thanks. That is the second time in 2 days that I was told about having peace when marrying. I pray so.

 

Right now I am looking forward to having peace being single after a 5 year roller coaster ride of a relationship.

[chitown9]

That is a good thing that you are coming to terms with this. It was as though he had you hanging on a hook of a coat rack. It would have just continued like that if you had allowed it. Enough is enough, and you are no longer in this limbo status. He would have never given you the answer. You had to learn it on your own. So congratulations! It is a relief to finally have your answer...the true answer, and no longer be in a confused state of mind because you are dealing with a very confused person.

 

We are here for you.....:strawberry: chi

[PrincessBOT]

That is a good thing that you are coming to terms with this. It was as though he had you hanging on a hook of a coat rack. It would have just continued like that if you had allowed it. Enough is enough, and you are no longer in this limbo status. He would have never given you the answer. You had to learn it on your own. So congratulations! It is a relief to finally have your answer...the true answer, and no longer be in a confused state of mind because you are dealing with a very confused person.

 

We are here for you.....:strawberry: chi

 

Thanks so much. It is a process that has to take its course. So happy to have you and everyone here on ENA. It really is a help.

 

By the way I got the book on Audible and listened to it in one day, driving to work, had earbuds in at work (pausing when needed), and driving from work. I even earned an Audible Marathoner badge for listening to a book for 2 hours straight.

 

The book was definitely an eye opener for me in regards to men that intentionally string women along and know their hang ups about committment. I would say about 25% of it matched my ex-fiance, but that 25% was spot on and ultimately still led to the same thing.

[PrincessBOT]

8 weeks of silence with my ex-fiance and I entertained the flirting and attention of another man in a romantic way. I am still wrapping my head around for the first time in 5 years that I have done that with someone who is not you. I don't know him, but the way be kept smiling at me and ensured to start a conversation showed interest. When he offered to buy my lunch and requested I have lunch with him, which I did and you were nowhere in my mind. What a great feeling it was at the moment. He took my number and we text back and forth during the day. He invited me out for the evening, I could not go, but I look forward to another time if the opportunity presents itself.

 

However most days I still find myself thinking about you and us, but mostly saying wow it is really over, we really are not in each other's future. I think about it less maybe once a day and try not to be upset at you or myself, but I am moving on with life.

[abitbroken]

8 weeks of silence with my ex-fiance and I entertained the flirting and attention of another man in a romantic way. I am still wrapping my head around for the first time in 5 years that I have done that with someone who is not you. I don't know him, but the way be kept smiling at me and ensured to start a conversation showed interest. When he offered to buy my lunch and requested I have lunch with him, which I did and you were nowhere in my mind. What a great feeling it was at the moment. He took my number and we text back and forth during the day. He invited me out for the evening, I could not go, but I look forward to another time if the opportunity presents itself.

 

However most days I still find myself thinking about you and us, but mostly saying wow it is really over, we really are not in each other's future. I think about it less maybe once a day and try not to be upset at you or myself, but I am moving on with life.

 

Good for you.

Unless he is lying in a hospital somewhere in a coma, or you hear on the news he was released from a hostage situation, this man is a weenie. Honestly. Glad to see you moving on. Enjoy being unattached while it lasts. Look up old friends and enjoy life.

[PrincessBOT]

I agree with the other comments that you need to move on. You both have different goals about the relationship and if you get married will this change any problems you have with it now? From what you have posted you have done far more than the vast majority people do when they decide to get married. If in counselling sessions he is unable to give valid reasons why he won't set a date for marriage or take advice from a professional then he will probably be unwilling to change in the short term.

 

You mentioned that you have toned down your personality, but this is very difficult to over a long period time and even more difficult when you are under stress.

 

Unless you feel that there is something potentially toxic about your personality you should need to do this just to get married or stay in a relationship. If you really feel certain parts of your personality are seriously affecting you life then you should seek professional help.

 

You need to find someone who will accept your personality for what it is.

 

Thank you.

 

My personality changes were things like I worked to stop yelling all the time when I was angry and talking over him before he finished. I am very passionate about things and tend to talk loud. Also, my tone, the counselor felt in cases my tone was as if I were talking to child, which came off disrespectful (my older brother once told me the same thing about my tone when I was questioning him about something). All things I felt were understandable dissatisfiers and yes I did think they were not good. However, my good personality traits are far more than the bad. It urks me to think of his response, "yes, that is why I want to be with you, but it is the small things" as if he was perfect. His small things did not make me want to not marry him or think we could not have a successful and happy future together, even his big things did not make me feel that way. Was it always great, no, but it not always bad.

 

One of my issues with him was him shutting down while we where in a disagreement , I mean completely stop talking and would not answer questions, but would look me in the face while saying nothing. The counselor let us know that was stonewalling and how detrimental it was to the receiver, me. He improved by talking and not shutting down during disagreements, but eventually now as we see it is replaced complete silence and lack of contact in any form.

 

I am moving on as reality, which is mostly him never reaching out, is the true determiner. However, I figure he is blaming me for not contacting him, but I don't care. I am not the one that was afraid to commit and kept going back and forth. So now the back and forth ends I and he move forward. He got what he wanted no marriage to me, that is my final gift to him, no more talks, no more analyzing the little things to death, no more pressuring him about a wedding date. I even maintained my new skills I did not call him and disagree with him, or yell or use the improper tone. I just let him go. He should be a happy camper now.

[chitown9]

I hope that you keep your resolve because you will need it in the event he resurfaces for an encore. Just remember....if he does, it will be just more of the same ole same ole. You are free, at last, from all of that. chi

[PrincessBOT]

I hope that you keep your resolve because you will need it in the event he resurfaces for an encore. Just remember....if he does, it will be just more of the same ole same ole. You are free, at last, from all of that. chi

 

I am not so sure on that part. It depends on timing. I have not reached out because I realized I was enabling things to be drawn out by doing so. I had to stop it so it would not be the same thing going on in another year. I listened to the book, but most it did not seem to be related to my ex-fiance. The parts that did I feel this silence/end is addressing.

 

So far his actions or lack of action is my answer. But if he does reaches out, me keeping my current resolve depends on what he does, not says, and my gut. But that all depends on when. If he never reaches out I never will either because his choice is clear. Also, if 3, 4, 5 months passes I doubt I will go against my resolve because it would just be him using more time by being away, the encore. But if less than 3 months I would have to listen because when I started I felt this is what I had to do have to make him assess this without me around, really face the choice he would be making or allowing fear to make.

 

What I do know is I will not wait around I am moving on with life. So I am relieved not to be in limbo anymore, but that has not completely removed my desire to have a future with him. I stayed single for 5 years, but dated a lot and moved on quickly, they were not for me. In that time I had a relationship that I ended because I didn't see a future with him. All before meeting my ex fiance, he was it good and bad. Hard to keep a resolve knowing how long it took me to meet someone I truly wanted to be with. But I will keep moving forward, that part is a breath of fresh air.

[PrincessBOT]

So one day before a full 8 weeks of silence I get a call from him. His number is not saved in my phone mainly so Whatsapp would not show my profile pic or status updates. He does not have any social media accounts so Whatsapp is it. So it took me a minute to figure out why the missed call number looked familiar, as I get so manny from telemarketer each day and I don't answer.

 

I did not return the call because he did not leave a message and I have no idea what the call is about and I did not like going into that situation. So I got a text this morning from him asking why are we oing this to ourselves?

 

I am so dissappointed because I hoped he would just get it especially after I laid it all out before this happened. Either he really does not get it or he is wanting to start the cycle over . 2 months and he comes back to me with a question as if I wanted to do this when it was clear I wanted us to set out date and get married while he kept going back and forth between we are not meant to be and we are getting married, but would not set a date.

 

Ideas on how I should handle this IF I respond to this?

 

I have in mind not to respond if/until he responds with something that addresses what really is the issue, he would not commit to us actually getting married after 1.5 years engaged.

[abitbroken]

So one day before a full 8 weeks of silence I get a call from him. His number is not saved in my phone mainly so Whatsapp would not show my profile pic or status updates. He does not have any social media accounts so Whatsapp is it. So it took me a minute to figure out why the missed call number looked familiar, as I get so manny from telemarketer each day and I don't answer.

 

I did not return the call because he did not leave a message and I have no idea what the call is about and I did not like going into that situation. So I got a text this morning from him asking why are we oing this to ourselves?

 

I am so dissappointed because I hoped he would just get it especially after I laid it all out before this happened. Either he really does not get it or he is wanting to start the cycle over . 2 months and he comes back to me with a question as if I wanted to do this when it was clear I wanted us to set out date and get married while he kept going back and forth between we are not meant to be and we are getting married, but would not set a date.

 

Ideas on how I should handle this IF I respond to this?

 

I have in mind not to respond if/until he responds with something that addresses what really is the issue, he would not commit to us actually getting married after 1.5 years engaged.

 

"why are we doing this to ourselves?" doing WHAT, exactly? The only one "doing something to ourselves" is him - the person who just dropped you like a hot rock and didn't communicate for 8 weeks. I would not contact him back. He does not deserve it. If he does try to contact you again - don't pick up the phone. If he texts you or actually leaves you a voicemail, text back "please do not contact me again."

 

I have in mind not to respond if/until he responds with something that addresses what really is the issue,

The problem with this is that its the whole cycle all over again - you get in a dialogue with him about "the real issues". At this point, do not dialogue with him. His actions have spoken for him.

[PrincessBOT]

He left a voicemail and called a 4 more time that I eventually answered last night. He wants to set a wedding date, he wanted to set it that night.

 

It appears he decided to overcome his fears and reservations. It's odd but that allowed me finally to tell him mine without it being in the back of my mind that he will see it as something to further delay marriage instead of a just a discussion.

 

So I relayed them to him and also let him know and we discussed ther things included him flip flopping all this year and then not answering about setting the wedding date the last time. He said he was sleepy that night (he kept dozing off) and wanted to go to bed he thought we could have a morning conversation like we've done, but I kicked him out when I walkes him to the door. He spent a good amount of the time away angry over that, but said he realized that is was not maliscious and that I was fruatrated and he understand and is wants to set a date.

 

I let him that night was the final straw after him agreeing to set a date. Also, that I am in a different state of mind as so much time went by and that I needed a few days. He said okay.

 

P.S. Chi...I listened to the Men Who Can't Love Audible book again last night from beginning to end to prepare and know what to look out for and how to handle, just in case it's applicable.