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3 Weeks of Silence from my Fiance


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You keep talking about what he wants - but what do you want --- do you still want kids, etc?

 

Marriage was always more important to me than kids. I really did not want kids without it. I am in the process of freezing my eggs. However, I started the assessment last week and the follow up in a couple of weeks. I want to have that option and now is the time since I am still under 40.

 

I was not going to mention it, but since it was bought up I will relay. If I complete this egg freezng process and spend thay money it will NOT be to have kids with him who if he'd moved forward we could have started trying to get pregnant. Oh no no no no.

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Marriage was always more important to me than kids. I really did not want kids without it. I am in the process of freezing my eggs. However, I started the assessment last week and the follow up in a couple of weeks. I want to have that option and now is the time since I am still under 40.

 

I was not going to mention it, but since it was bought up I will relay. If I complete this egg freezng process and spend thay money it will NOT be to have kids with him who if he'd moved forward we could have started trying to get pregnant. Oh no no no no.

 

So you're saying as retaliation for spending money to freeze your eggs you won't have kids with him?

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So you're saying as retaliation for spending money to freeze your eggs you won't have kids with him?

 

No it is not retaliation. It is a determining factor. I am doing it for me and my future which would not include him when I complete that action. It is an expiration date because despite no one taking that view that this may be the wake up call he needs, it could be. There is an expiration date on that possibility for me.

 

I have not been able to express that what I am doing now is putting an end to the 5 year cycle. It is not a cold turkey end, but I have had a relationship end that way I swear I thought I was going to die. Took me 2 years to recover and 3 years single never wanting it to happen again. This slow peel way is what I need to be able to function through this.

 

So yes I wanted to marry him, but i will not be in this same situation for a 6th year.

 

How do they say....indifference versus anger and retaliation is a true sign that a person has reached their limit. I am almost there. Not contacting him like I usually would and freezing my eggs is my mind knowing the most likely reality and acting on that for me (not him or us as a couple) while I allow my heart to catch up with my mind.

 

Not contacting him as well as not being one bit anxious to...now that part is retaliation/determination because he is expecting me to contact him so we can do the same cycle. Not this time...nope. No more endless discussion and empty plans.

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So if you freeze your eggs that means you will not have a child with him but you will have one on your own?

 

I dont know which it will be. I want the option to have better quality eggs if I marry someone else in the future or if I get to a point where I have one on my own via donor sperm. I want the option and added time.

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Marriage only gets harder, it doesn't fix things. If it's this bad now imagine how bad it will be 5 years from now. You deserve to marry someone that actually wants to be with you and doesn't threaten your relationship over petty things. Omg he sounds like a complete jerk! You deserve better. Why tie yourself down to this loser for the rest of your life?

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You should never have to convince someone to marry you. It takes away all the joy if you even feel that you need to do that. A man should want to marry you and do it quickly because he wants to secure the relationship for himself. My husband could not wait to marry me.....it was like I would be swept off my feet by another man if he did not marry me, and quickly. This guy is always going to find a reason to not get married, but keep telling you that he is. That is what commitment phobes do. Move on and you will find the man that is eager to put a ring on your finger because he does not want to loose you. Get the book, "Men Who Cannot Love" by Steven Carter and read it. He very well may come back for an encore and you need to be prepared how to handle it, and this book will explain encores to you. You will be so done with this guy after you read the book. Yes! Freezing your eggs now is very smart as this guy has wasted years of your time. There is a better life out there awaiting you...

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Marriage only gets harder, it doesn't fix things. If it's this bad now imagine how bad it will be 5 years from now. You deserve to marry someone that actually wants to be with you and doesn't threaten your relationship over petty things. Omg he sounds like a complete jerk! You deserve better. Why tie yourself down to this loser for the rest of your life?

 

 

My fiance is just immobilized by the fear of divorce. That is the issue. He needs to feel now that divorce will never happen so that he feels he is not taking a risk of getting divorced by getting married. No one or thing can guarantee that.

 

We both know marriage doesn't fix true problems of incompatibility that were there before. We did pre-engagement counseling, 6 weeks of marriage classes at church and 7 months of pre-marriage counseling to assess these things and still were together after 5 years. We did A LOT of leg work, talking through problems, learning better communication methods, long paper assessments, book readings, bible readings, and home excercises, coming to agreements, agreeing on arrangements etc. in those sessions. So if there was some life altering divorce prone issues we should have agreed to part ways or he left at some point during one of those marriage assessment like he is willing to do now.

 

That did not happen it's his fear of divorce so anything becomes something major when it actually time to get married. Our marriage counselor got to witness my fiance turn a regular disagreement/misunderstanding into a barrier to marriage.

 

The marriage counselor told him he was making a small issue into something bigger than it needed to be. It is good to address things, but as everything can't be before marriage. The marriage counselor to him the most important thing was to have commitment to the marriage and to work it out or agree to disagree. Which is a concept my fiance does not get...everything has to be resolved to an agreement or else "it will be an issue down the line". God forbid there is an issue down the line, that should never happy in a marriage (insert sarcasm).

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He is not immobilized. He is choosing his fear over getting married. That is all. It's fine if that's his choice -but it is a choice - he's not a victim of his fear. Marriage is a leap of faith and you cannot anticipate every argument, disagreement or categories of arguments/disagreements. And it is fine if he wants a 100% guarantee that you two will never get divorced. If he wants that that is the same as saying he is not available for marriage to you (or maybe not to anyone, but that's besides the point other than its affect on your ego perhaps). He is not available to marry you -the reasons really don't matter -and you have known this for a very long time. Why are you still there?

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You should never have to convince someone to marry you. It takes away all the joy if you even feel that you need to do that. A man should want to marry you and do it quickly because he wants to secure the relationship for himself. My husband could not wait to marry me.....it was like I would be swept off my feet by another man if he did not marry me, and quickly. This guy is always going to find a reason to not get married, but keep telling you that he is. That is what commitment phobes do. Move on and you will find the man that is eager to put a ring on your finger because he does not want to loose you. Get the book, "Men Who Cannot Love" by Steven Carter and read it. He very well may come back for an encore and you need to be prepared how to handle it, and this book will explain encores to you. You will be so done with this guy after you read the book. Yes! Freezing your eggs now is very smart as this guy has wasted years of your time. There is a better life out there awaiting you...

 

That is great that you got to experience that. That my situation is so completely different really highlights how bad things got. My fiance's words portrayed all that you said, but his actions do not. So I had the task of coming to grips with having to finally listen to his actions.

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If he wants that that is the same as saying he is not available for marriage to you (or maybe not to anyone, but that's besides the point other than its affect on your ego perhaps).

 

Why are you still there?

 

He actually said something like that recently! He may just not get married. It pissed me off because he only finally admit that after 5 years, that it is something he just may not be able to do after 5 years of I want ro marry you. In 2014 in such a endearing way he asked me to allow him to be the best that he can be for me, he does not want to be with anyone else he wants to marry me. Reaffirmed it in 2016 when we got enagaged saying he takes his time, but he'd told me he was marrying me and asked would I marry him. Now in 2017 we are not meant to be together and he may just not marry. Then two weeks later he wants to marry me, but would not talk about a date.

 

I am not still there, I have not been there for 3 weeks since the night he held me close and talked about we are getting married , but when i said when he did not respond. He wanted to stay, but I walked him to the door. We have not spoke since and I don't plan to contact him anytime soon or if ever.

 

For the first time he has to deal with his fear, hesitation and barriers without me in the wings. If he wants to lose me he gets to face it head on. I get to slowly accept it day by day of silence and fill in the space where our relationship was. I don't have his words along with us continuing our day to day routines distorting things.

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But his actions weren't consistent with his words because he never set or agreed to set a date on which he'd take his marriage vows. You could have gone to city hall and had your party later if he really wanted to marry you. Talk is cheap. Watch the feet.

 

He's not dealing with his fear for the first time. When he didn't set a date soon after you two got engaged he chose his fear then (if that was the reason -reason is irrelevant really).

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But his actions weren't consistent with his words because he never set or agreed to set a date on which he'd take his marriage vows. You could have gone to city hall and had your party later if he really wanted to marry you. Talk is cheap. Watch the feet.

 

He's not dealing with his fear for the first time. When he didn't set a date soon after you two got engaged he chose his fear then (if that was the reason -reason is irrelevant really).

 

Last year he did want to go to city hall and then have a wedding later. However, I did not want that. I wish I would have gone along with it to see if it was true or if was him just being adamant about it because he knew I would not agree based on our 2 years prior discussing that I did not want that to which he agreed, no court wedding.

 

Right before we got enagaged last year he had some unexpected financial obligation come up and wanted to change to the a city hall with a wedding later. We went to city hall got the paperwork to fill out and details and I just did not want to. I wanted a church wedding. So I suggested sonething in the middle, that we scale back the wedding, I put more up financially for the wedding and then the money he was expecting to get in the near future could be used toward a house.

 

He did not want to do that because he felt that me putting up more money than he did for the wedding would cause a financial tension going into the marriage (again his need to feel before marriage that nothing will be an issue in the marriage).

 

I tried to still go forward and he went as far as us sitting at the new venue (much less expensive) and working with the wedding coordinator. When we got to picking a date, he would not. I picked a date asked the guy to reserve it. My fiance told the guy we would think about and call him, but days later made it clear he was not going along with the date.

 

Everything is a barrier to marriage.

 

Fast foward to last month now I am agreeing to a city hall wedding and he is disagreeing because it was not what I wanted. He told while we were not in contact after a disagreement that he put the money together for the wedding I wanted because he wanted to make me happy. He showed me the money. Two weeks later he went back to focusing on the disagreement we had and now we were not meant to be together and he may not marry at all.

 

So confusing because the disagreement happened before he decided to get the money together for the wedding. So he did that with plans to marry with no pressure from me I was not even around.

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Do you think he suggested city hall because he knew you wouldn't do it? A friend of mine did city hall and then renewed the vows in church (comes with a hilarious story but off topic)

 

I wish I would have gone along with city hall to see if it was true or if was him just being adamant about it because he knew I would not.

 

This year he said we would have been married a long time ago....So my response was so if we were married would you be asking for a divorce now because you don't seem to be dealing with issues under the concept of commitment, but as determining factors against getting married.

 

His response is because once he gets married that is it, he is not getting married to get divorced.

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Care to share the story? I could use a laugh.

 

So my friend and her fiancée planned a huge church wedding and a fancy reception. This was over 20 years ago. They had iced in together while they were engaged. He was divorced and she was never married. At some point border the Edson he discovered that he hadn't gotten an anullment so he couldn't have a church wedding (I'm unclear about how this all works). She didn't tell her family. So 4 months before the wedding they got secretly married in city hall. She just didn't feel comfortable living with him without marriage and she sssimed he'd get his annulment before the wedding. So two weeks before the wedding she breaks the news to her parents that they are already married nad he has no anillment. They flipped out especially her father. But they didn't cancel. My boyfriend and I went - the priest agreed to do an outdoor renewal of the vows instead of a church wedding while her father looked on unhappily. It was the first wedding my future husband and I went to together lol. And if I remember right she didn't wear the weddin gown she'd bought but I might be worn on that. They've been married over 20 years and at some point he got an annulment!

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So my friend and her fiancée planned a huge church wedding and a fancy reception. This was over 20 years ago. They had iced in together while they were engaged. He was divorced and she was never married. At some point border the Edson he discovered that he hadn't gotten an anullment so he couldn't have a church wedding (I'm unclear about how this all works). She didn't tell her family. So 4 months before the wedding they got secretly married in city hall. She just didn't feel comfortable living with him without marriage and she sssimed he'd get his annulment before the wedding. So two weeks before the wedding she breaks the news to her parents that they are already married nad he has no anillment. They flipped out especially her father. But they didn't cancel. My boyfriend and I went - the priest agreed to do an outdoor renewal of the vows instead of a church wedding while her father looked on unhappily. It was the first wedding my future husband and I went to together lol. And if I remember right she didn't wear the weddin gown she'd bought but I might be worn on that. They've been married over 20 years and at some point he got an annulment!

 

Maybe they were Catholic and could not have the church wedding without the annulment, but it doesn't matter for a civil wedding as long as divorce papers are final.

 

My fiance had something like this going on. He is a former Catholic priest (gasp). Once he left the priesthood (years before we met) he would need to get dispensed in order to marry and marry in the church. He submitted it when he left but his superior thought he would change his mind about leaving and did not submit it to the Pope/Vatican. A civil wedding or non Catholic ceremony is still possible. However, two years after we started dating and were talking marriage he sent for the dispensation again.

 

Fyi- my fiance considered his priesthood being married. His leaving was not lightly considered and something he never thought he would do. Therefore it was like deciding to divorce for him. Since it came up I figured I share as I am sure it has a lot to do with his abilty to let fear rule.

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PrincessBOT - you kind of sound like a gambler who has been losing money into a slot machine all night but is afraid to move onto a different machine because you think you are just one pull away from hitting the jackpot. So you stay at the losing machine all night hoping you'll hit a lucky break soon.

 

I have to agree with the others - your fiance - rather - ex-fiance, does not want to marry you. He's made that clear. I'm really sorry that you invested a lot of time into this relationship that didn't wind up working out. However, you can either keep wasting more time, waiting for him to come around.... or you can start the painful process of healing, and then dating again and hopefully will meet the right man for you. A guy who is excited to marry you and doesn't need to be strong armed into it.

 

Since we are sharing engagement stories - I have a friend whose longterm boyfriend proposed to her. But whenever she tried to set a wedding date, he waffled. Finally, he admitted he wasn't ready for marriage and proposed to keep her around for a longer time and keep dating her. She broke things off with him for good. A few years later, she met a man who is crazy about her and they got engaged and married in about 2 years. They seem really happy together and I am so happy for them.

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