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3 Weeks of Silence from my Fiance


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Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage.

 

We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker.

 

I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage.

 

After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks.

 

I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call.

 

3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small.

 

At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet.

 

To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else.

 

When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him.

 

I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks?

 

Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?

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You should move on. He doesn't want to get married and is using any excuse to not get married. You want to be married so you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you and wants to be married to you. Using some trivial matter in order to not speak to you for 3 weeks and then trying to blame the no-contact on you is childish and ridiculous. Do yourself a favor, stop talking to him...Forever.

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Is this a long distance relationship? Why don't you just go to his house, sit down with him to let him know that you have decided on a date and if he's not in agreement then you can tell him to his face that the relationship is over? (not sure why you want to marry him at this point but it's time to put an end to this stalling one way or another IMO.

 

This man sounds awful.

I'm sorry you have found yourself with him. It seems you have tried for so long you seem to feel an obligation to keep trying rather then actually wanting to be bound to him in marriage. Think about your motives for continuing to let this man bamboozle you.

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...Sorry but it sounds like you've become so fixated on the goal of marriage that you are missing an entire herd of elephants camping in your room, right under your nose.

 

The guy would rather slit his wrists than marry you. At the same time, he is too much of a coward to end things with you and you are too headstrong about getting to the marriage to see what is happening. You and him are not compatible. He doesn't want what you want. You two need to part ways....5 year ago, but really even late is better than wasting another month on this.

 

After you dump him, I would suggest that you do get some personal counseling, not because you are a bad person and certainly not because you are in any way crazy, just as a matter of personal growth. To help you tone down that headstrong streak in you and get it under better control, so you don't ever get into this kind of tunnel vision again.

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4 years ago, you put up this post, entitled "Why Won't He Propose", where you had been dating for a year and he just wouldn't propose:

 

 

 

That was in Sept. of 2013!!!

 

He never wanted marriage with you. He wanted you as a girlfriend, as someone to hang out with, but only ended up proposing to keep you quiet.

 

A man who wants to marry you will make it happen.

 

You say that you have a louder, stronger personality, but that you've toned it down to suit him (not your exact words, but that's the sentiment I got). You know what? You should find someone who accepts loud, strong personality YOU for who YOU are.

 

I have to agree with everyone else here. He is putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off.....because he just doesn't want to get married.

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Is this a long distance relationship? Why don't you just go to his house, sit down with him to let him know that you have decided on a date and if he's not in agreement then you can tell him to his face that the relationship is over? (not sure why you want to marry him at this point but it's time to put an end to this stalling one way or another IMO.

 

This man sounds awful.

I'm sorry you have found yourself with him. It seems you have tried for so long you seem to feel an obligation to keep trying rather then actually wanting to be bound to him in marriage. Think about your motives for continuing to let this man bamboozle you.

 

It's not long distance. We live 15 minutes from each other. We did sit down about setting a wedding date and he used the line we are not meant for each other as way to get out of setting a wedding date. When I would not accept it because I knew he was doing it to avoid setting a date at that minute, the week before he'd told me how he doesn't want to lose me when I was talking about going ahead and getting married. Now when I was adamant the goal of that talk was to specifically set a date he found something to say we were not meant to be together. So I backed off of setting the wedding date and focused on starting a family and next two weeks he was saying he wants to get married, but when I said when he literally stopped talking. So if I set a date without him that will become the new problem. I feel silly saying it now, but when he was taking what I felt a long time to propose I proposed to him. He was happy and wore the ring, but he did not take it serious. It was not until he proposed and he told me he may take his time, but as he'd told me he wanted to marry me and now he was proposing. However, he had not just proposed I'd complained, complained and talked and talked. We missed the first marriage counseling classes and wound up going into marriage counseling classes as the ONLY unengaged couple, which I pointed out. It was that I believe that finally got him to propose because he proposed the 2nd last week of the 6 week marriage class. So I say all that to say he is the type of person that take his own time irrespective of anything or anyone else and it's with everything and everyone. So I took that in consideration as accepting that as a part of who is, which is why I use to have so much more patience.

 

The marriage issue is horrible, but as person he is not horrible. It takes a certain type of person for me to get in a relationship and stay in a relationship. Before him I went through dating and the longest one last 6 months as a relationship. The 6 month relationship guy I knew for 4 years before dating and he was talking marriage, but I knew I did not feel that way for him so I ended. My point is that I clicked and fell in love with my fiance and wanted to marry him is not an everyday or every 5 year thing for me. I am confident I will leave a relationship before just being in one with someone that I'm not compatible with. However, the pushing for marriage with my fiance did start to feel like I was doing it out habit because his lack of action in actually getting married started causing resentment. Thus I am at the point where 3 weeks can go by and I not dare reach out to him knowing it probably would not change anything if he does not come around himself.

 

I am trying to not blame myself also for allowing 5 years to pass in this way.

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...Sorry but it sounds like you've become so fixated on the goal of marriage that you are missing an entire herd of elephants camping in your room, right under your nose.

 

The guy would rather slit his wrists than marry you. At the same time, he is too much of a coward to end things with you and you are too headstrong about getting to the marriage to see what is happening. You and him are not compatible. He doesn't want what you want. You two need to part ways....5 year ago, but really even late is better than wasting another month on this.

 

After you dump him, I would suggest that you do get some personal counseling, not because you are a bad person and certainly not because you are in any way crazy, just as a matter of personal growth. To help you tone down that headstrong streak in you and get it under better control, so you don't ever get into this kind of tunnel vision again.

 

 

This is hard to read. Based on what's going on at this moment it seems so right on. However, still remember this being the man who I talked for hours with about us and wanting to be together. He was the one who told me he wanted to marry me, he is the one that called me his fiance before we were engaged ( I asked him to wait until we had the ring). In hingsight it seems he is a great talker, not so much a doer and I am definitely holding us to what apparently is not be.

 

Question, you said when I dump him. I am confused about this part. 3 weeks after my fiance would rather go silent than set a date is there still a need to officially end things or does the silence officially end it all? I ask for an opinion because as I mentioned in my post the first 3 weeks we did not speak over an issue he did not consider the relationship over. However, when you refuse to set a wedding date and three weeks is the silence the confirmation of engagement being over?

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It's not long distance. We live 15 minutes from each other. We did sit down about setting a wedding date and he used the line we are not meant for each other as way to get out of setting a wedding date. When I would not accept it because I knew he was doing it to avoid setting a date at that minute, the week before he'd told me how he doesn't want to lose me when I was talking about going ahead and getting married. Now when I was adamant the goal of that talk was to specifically set a date he found something to say we were not meant to be together. So I backed off of setting the wedding date and focused on starting a family and next two weeks he was saying he wants to get married, but when I said when he literally stopped talking. So if I set a date without him that will become the new problem.
I'll rephrase. You tell him that you have picked a date and if he doesn't agree to it then you leave him. You are wasting your good dating years on a horrible man that strings you along.

 

I feel silly saying it now, but when he was taking what I felt a long time to propose I proposed to him. He was happy and wore the ring, but he did not take it serious. It was not until he proposed and he told me he may take his time, but as he'd told me he wanted to marry me and now he was proposing. However, he had not just proposed I'd complained, complained and talked and talked. We missed the first marriage counseling classes and wound up going into marriage counseling classes as the ONLY unengaged couple, which I pointed out. It was that I believe that finally got him to propose because he proposed the 2nd last week of the 6 week marriage class. So I say all that to say he is the type of person that take his own time irrespective of anything or anyone else and it's with everything and everyone. So I took that in consideration as accepting that as a part of who is, which is why I use to have so much more patience.
Tell him the date and if he isn't in agreement with it then you leave him. You are wasting your good dating years on a man that is stringing you along. Please do not start a family with this man.

 

The marriage issue is horrible, but as person he is not horrible. It takes a certain type of person for me to get in a relationship and stay in a relationship. Before him I went through dating and the longest one last 6 months as a relationship. The 6 month relationship guy I knew for 4 years before dating and he was talking marriage, but I knew I did not feel that way for him so I ended. My point is that I clicked and fell in love with my fiance and wanted to marry him is not an everyday or every 5 year thing for me. I am confident I will leave a relationship before just being in one with someone that I'm not compatible with. However, the pushing for marriage with my fiance did start to feel like I was doing it out habit because his lack of action in actually getting married started causing resentment.
Well, he has zero reason to rush into marrying you when you're so accommodating of him NOT marrying you. You nag but you are a woman of little action.

 

Thus I am at the point where 3 weeks can go by and I not dare reach out to him knowing it probably would not change anything if he does not come around himself.
Where will he go if you ever get married and he needs to go silent on you for a month? Anyway, it sounds like you are more in love with him then he is with you and he knows you're not going anywhere so he'll be the petulant little twit that you've painted him to be because you let him.

 

I am trying to not blame myself also for allowing 5 years to pass in this way.
Well, it's not your fault his a twit but it is your fault that you've allowed yourself to be strung along like you have. I'm sorry he is the one you gave your heart to actually. You want marriage and he just wants a casual girlfriend who will put up with his petulance... He's got what he wants, what about what you want?
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This is hard to read. Based on what's going on at this moment it seems so right on. However, still remember this being the man who I talked for hours with about us and wanting to be together. He was the one who told me he wanted to marry me, he is the one that called me his fiance before we were engaged ( I asked him to wait until we had the ring). In hingsight it seems he is a great talker, not so much a doer and I am definitely holding us to what apparently is not be.

 

Question, you said when I dump him. I am confused about this part. 3 weeks after my fiance would rather go silent than set a date is there still a need to officially end things or does the silence officially end it all? I ask for an opinion because as I mentioned in my post the first 3 weeks we did not speak over an issue he did not consider the relationship over. However, when you refuse to set a wedding date and three weeks is the silence the confirmation of engagement being over?

 

Yeah, I would think that after 5 years you have things to exchange, return the ring, tie up loose ends, disentangle whatever you had together, etc. Also, there is that thing called clear communication so that there is no room for confusion, blame, claims to the contrary, etc, etc, etc. From what you post, I know you love him but....he just is pretty messed up and won't make a good partner to anyone at the end of the day. Once you get some distance from this and are able to look back with that 20/20 hindsight vision, you'll realize that you actually dodged a bullet.

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4 years ago, you put up this post, entitled "Why Won't He Propose", where you had been dating for a year and he just wouldn't propose:

 

 

 

That was in Sept. of 2013!!!

 

He never wanted marriage with you. He wanted you as a girlfriend, as someone to hang out with, but only ended up proposing to keep you quiet.

 

A man who wants to marry you will make it happen.

 

You say that you have a louder, stronger personality, but that you've toned it down to suit him (not your exact words, but that's the sentiment I got). You know what? You should find someone who accepts loud, strong personality YOU for who YOU are.

 

I have to agree with everyone else here. He is putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off.....because he just doesn't want to get married.

 

That is what it is looking like. I wish it were as simple as that like when someone won't talk about getting married or say they are not ready. But this was a man I had chemistry with and who he was the first to talk about marriage and wanting to get married and took me ring shopping. I had to catch up so to speak after having being single for 5 years. By the time I did, that is when I realized his he was not actually taking actions. However, we never stopped talking about and preparing for a married life together.

 

Did not help that my was with a guy from the same country as my fiance. He boyfried took 4 years to propose to her. She went through something simlar to what I went through but ultimatley just settle on them just being together. The got married after 5 years and have been happily married for 4 years. My fiance and I met up with them as they live in another country. So I saw the sun after the storm so to speak and held on to my fiance words to get married, our planning, our conversations and plans for after marriage and just focused on getting there. It is only now that I realize this man apparently can just talk and he REALLY believes what he says, but his truth is aversion to actually marrying is much stronger than our relationship and anything he said or planned before.

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To me an engagement is not official without a wedding date or at least a wedding month if you need time to firm up the actual date. He doesn't want to marry you and you weren't really engaged because he never really had an intention to set a wedding date. Please accept this and move on so you can open yourself up to meeting someone who wsnts to marry you and sees engagement as just the period of time to plan the marriage and perhaps to plan a reception or party to celebrate the marriage. I tend to think for adults a year is more than enough time. I was engaged for just under two months. Planned the wedding in about 6 weeks. I had a friend who got engaged 3 days before a horrific accident. She was bedridden and needed multiple surgeries. She planned her wedding dholevin rehab and they got married 9.5 months after the accident with a huge reception. If you get engaged with the intention to marry you make it happen.

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To me an engagement is not official without a wedding date or at least a wedding month if you need time to firm up the actual date. He doesn't want to marry you and you weren't really engaged because he never really had an intention to set a wedding date. Please accept this and move on so you can open yourself up to meeting someone who wsnts to marry you and sees engagement as just the period of time to plan the marriage and perhaps to plan a reception or party to celebrate the marriage. I tend to think for adults a year is more than enough time. I was engaged for just under two months. Planned the wedding in about 6 weeks. I had a friend who got engaged 3 days before a horrific accident. She was bedridden and needed multiple surgeries. She planned her wedding dholevin rehab and they got married 9.5 months after the accident with a huge reception. If you get engaged with the intention to marry you make it happen.

 

Having been single for 5 years and then in a relationship not married for 5 years I've had the thrill (insert sarcasm) of seeing friends in various lengths of engagement and/or marriages. However, the longer ones were younger and I don't consider my fiance and I falling in that category of needing to take 5 years to marry. However, I also saw multiple divorces. So I came to sort of understand my fiance's concern about addressing items and giving marriage the best chance for success.

 

At the same time we were doing couple's counseling I was doing individual counseling on a different day, my fiance knew. My individual counselor thought it was great that we were putting so much work in before marriage and believed that it was setting us up for a great first year or two of marriage because we were doing what some people don't do before marriage or go through in those first years of marriage. So that factored in to me continuing on even though we did not have a wedding date. However, while I still believe that is true I see now that no matter what it will never be enough for my fiance. That he could go three weeks knowing that there was no big issue yet his resistance to still set a date would seriously damage our relationship or make me leave speaks louder than anything he could say. In the end this man does not want to marry me and I also should not want to marry him.

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I'll rephrase. You tell him that you have picked a date and if he doesn't agree to it then you leave him. You are wasting your good dating years on a horrible man that strings you along.

 

Tell him the date and if he isn't in agreement with it then you leave him. You are wasting your good dating years on a man that is stringing you along. Please do not start a family with this man.

 

I wish I'd thought of that the day of or after our talk, but after 3 weeks I don't think I could figure out the bridge to get me to that point of presenting a date. Knowing him the 3 weeks is now the new issue/barrier. That's the advantage of him not setting a date and getting married he can just do nothing for weeks, if we were married we'd have to deal with things sooner.

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living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc.

 

This must have been couple's counseling and not the counseling with the church because the counseling through the church is to make sure you have discussed the MAJOR issues - not who takes the trash out. I think the couple's counseling was his way of delaying marriage forever. ANd an ethical couselor probably would have stopped seeing you because he didn't want to make progress.

 

These are my quotes from your first thread about him in 2013:

 

I still think shopping for rings at 4 months is moving WAAAAY too fast especially because YOU had not told him you loved him yet? And I think breaking up with your boyfriend last year and now being 10 months with this guy - sometimes when we are with someone and almost marry but break up, we continue the relationship so to speak with someone else.

 

Either way - not talking to someone for a week is not a reason a way to resolve things in marriage - so why would you accept it un-married? Go get your stuff.

 

Let me get this straight - you financed his trip on your credit card and he has not paid you back? Do i have that right? I think he showed his true colors right there. If someone doesn't have a credit card and so needs to use yours, they hand you the cash FIRST.

 

Also, I think that you have not known him long enough to marry him, honestly.

 

I also think in your next relationship its great to clear the air early on that you both want marriage and kids with the right person, but you should not declare that eachother is THE ONE until you get to know them and the relationship progresses. I really think you should look for the right man rather than thinking you don't have much time to make babies. Because what is better? A quick marriage to a jerk to deal with your bio clock? Or a longer relationship with the love of your life where you us in vitiro, conceive naturally but only are able to have one child or adopt, or you fall in love with his existing child?

 

I honestly think you should communicate with him and inform him that you are going to his place to go get your things. Just a simple message. You don't want to be accused of theft or be on the premises if you are not on the lease without his knowledge.

 

Girl, you could have dumped his sorry rear end, found a gem of a guy who loves you AND is ready for marriage and babies in the time since your thread in 2013. End this madness. For real this time. Take time to heal and find a great guy who already has a kid maybe, or is interested in adoption and possible fertility treatments. He already gave you the silent treatment back in 2013, so he has proven time and again is that the silent treatment is his way of dealing with things.

 

So give him back the ring --- and walk away. I have a friend who is still waiting for a wedding date after 8 years being engaged to the same jerk.

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Having been single for 5 years and then in a relationship not married for 5 years I've had the thrill (insert sarcasm) of seeing friends in various lengths of engagement and/or marriages. However, the longer ones were younger and I don't consider my fiance and I falling in that category of needing to take 5 years to marry. However, I also saw multiple divorces. So I came to sort of understand my fiance's concern about addressing items and giving marriage the best chance for success.

 

A

 

It doesn't matter how many friends get married. If you want to get married, find a guy who actually wants to get married. I know there is wisdom in "if he doesnt' plan a date walk away - but i wouldn't marry a guy who gives you the silent treatment. Deciding he needs quiet for a short time after work is one thing -- not talking to you for 5 days, or several weeks is not okay. Nothing has changed since 2013 except that you have a ring. Nothing . and he might have done it so you'd stop pestering him about it

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I wish I'd thought of that the day of or after our talk, but after 3 weeks I don't think I could figure out the bridge to get me to that point of presenting a date. Knowing him the 3 weeks is now the new issue/barrier. That's the advantage of him not setting a date and getting married he can just do nothing for weeks, if we were married we'd have to deal with things sooner.

 

....And unfortunately this kind of thinking is why so many people get divorced. No, marriage is not going to change him, change how he handles conflict...in fact the opposite. Whatever he is doing right now will be even worse after marriage because what are you going to do about it? Kick him out? File for divorce? You are stuck in sh$t much deeper with much less need for him to behave because getting out of the relationship becomes that much more difficult. Getting married is actually a disincentive for improving things.

As a very good psychiatrist friend of mine often says, "whatever you don't like about him/her before marriage, multiply that by a thousand and then ask yourself, can you actually live with that, because it will get that bad so you better be sure you can handle it."

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Having been single for 5 years and then in a relationship not married for 5 years I've had the thrill (insert sarcasm) of seeing friends in various lengths of engagement and/or marriages. However, the longer ones were younger and I don't consider my fiance and I falling in that category of needing to take 5 years to marry. However, I also saw multiple divorces. So I came to sort of understand my fiance's concern about addressing items and giving marriage the best chance for success.

 

At the same time we were doing couple's counseling I was doing individual counseling on a different day, my fiance knew. My individual counselor thought it was great that we were putting so much work in before marriage and believed that it was setting us up for a great first year or two of marriage because we were doing what some people don't do before marriage or go through in those first years of marriage. So that factored in to me continuing on even though we did not have a wedding date. However, while I still believe that is true I see now that no matter what it will never be enough for my fiance. That he could go three weeks knowing that there was no big issue yet his resistance to still set a date would seriously damage our relationship or make me leave speaks louder than anything he could say. In the end this man does not want to marry me and I also should not want to marry him.

 

I agree with your counselor about the positives of long engagements. If there is a wedding date in the future, set. If there is not then you're not really engaged because your intention to marry isn't backed up by actions -setting a date. I think if you feel you need all those years to be ready to marry, don't get engaged until you're ready to be married within the next 6 months to a year at the outside. Being "engaged" as you call it just puts too much pressure on it and isn't a genuine commitment because you're not setting a date on which you intend to be married.

Of course people get divorced -for all sorts of reasons. And at the end there is a part of marriage that requires taking the plunge -a leap of faith.

 

I agree that he does not want to marry you. And I'm sorry.

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living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc.

 

This must have been couple's counseling and not the counseling with the church because the counseling through the church is to make sure you have discussed the MAJOR issues - not who takes the trash out. I think the couple's counseling was his way of delaying marriage forever. ANd an ethical couselor probably would have stopped seeing you because he didn't want to make progress.

 

Girl, you could have dumped his sorry rear end, found a gem of a guy who loves you AND is ready for marriage and babies in the time since your thread in 2013. End this madness. For real this time. Take time to heal and find a great guy who already has a kid maybe, or is interested in adoption and possible fertility treatments. He already gave you the silent treatment back in 2013, so he has proven time and again is that the silent treatment is his way of dealing with things.

 

So give him back the ring --- and walk away. I have a friend who is still waiting for a wedding date after 8 years being engaged to the same jerk.

 

Yes it was couple's counseling. The couple's counseling was my idea to help us work through his reservations.

 

It's all so confusing because he WAS that person that said he wanted to marry me and have kids. Still says he does, but things that happened in the relationship made him question it and his biggest fear is divorce. I understand, fine but at some point you have to decide and I think he did. But like it was said earlier in the thread he was too much of a coward (though I think it was more so that he does love me just not more than his fear of divorce) and I am headstrong in attaining goals. I have to just accept that this man knows me all of me and doesn't have the confidence that we would have a successful marriage or the courage to try which amounts to the same thing wasting more time.

 

Your friend that has been engaged for 8 years, I am just wowed. After 1.5 years for me and I don't have the mental energy to keep on that way.

 

UPDATE: I just went back and read my dating threads...ugggh...that was just as daunting if not more, no wonder I clung to my fiance...he was the one out of many.

Edited by PrincessBOT
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I agree with your counselor about the positives of long engagements. If there is a wedding date in the future, set. If there is not then you're not really engaged because your intention to marry isn't backed up by actions -setting a date. I think if you feel you need all those years to be ready to marry, don't get engaged until you're ready to be married within the next 6 months to a year at the outside. Being "engaged" as you call it just puts too much pressure on it and isn't a genuine commitment because you're not setting a date on which you intend to be married.

Of course people get divorced -for all sorts of reasons. And at the end there is a part of marriage that requires taking the plunge -a leap of faith.

 

I agree that he does not want to marry you. And I'm sorry.

 

This is what it seems to amount to and he is not willing to take that leap, at least not with me despite all his words reassurance during the years. His actions turned out in the end to be just a big contradiction to those words. The entire time of the so called engagement even when things were going extremely well he was not discussing setting a date. The time just went by, then when we have issue where we don't see the same way or he felt we didn't resolve to his liking it became the reason. The closest he came was when my family member passed away and I was not focused on anything about the marriage or wedding then he felt the need to confirm I still wanted to get married and said this October (never a date or any action on his part though). Then the disagreement and all of the sudden bam no more wedding/marriage in October or any other date.

 

I feel the 3 weeks silence could actually turn into forever because I have no desire to be the first one to reach out to him again. But am realizing this may not be the case. I may have to officially reach out to confirm the end of things or wait for him to reach out to me, which I doubt he would do anytime soon.

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Wow! You're in complete denial. This guy has beaten down your self esteem and he's turned you from being a strong woman into an apologist for his terrible actions. I would say you're suffering from emotional abuse. The fighting and arguments are a way of controlling you. And you just make excuses for him. You knew something was wrong back in 2013.

 

Get away from this man. Cut him out of your life. And start building back up your own strong personality.

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I have to come to the same conclusion as everyone else: you two are not going to get married. Not now, not ever. There is a reason he keeps throwing up barriers and running away - it prevents anything from moving forward, because he does not want to marry you.

 

I would officially end the relationship, so I could tie up my own logistical and emotional loose ends. You've wasted far too much time on a guy that is full of hot air and big promises with no sincere intentions behind them.

 

Time to move on to a man who wants the same things you do, OP. This man sure as hell doesn't.

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You do not have to reach out to him until you are ready. You've talked this relationship to death. He knows the consequences of his silence. Put stuff in a box that is his, ship it to him or have someone else give it to him and add a note saying "I understand your silence means it's over and at some point it would be good to talk things over so we can part amicably -I'll let you know when I'm ready to do that". Yes, in this case you get to dictate when you are ready. Good luck.

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