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Is my relationship toxic? Is there any salvaging it?


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So this is pretty hard for me to admit, but I think that I'm in a codependent, toxic relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for a couple of years, and she's always been depressed, but it's been getting worse. She often tries to quell the feelings with alcohol, which has led to numerous problems as well in the past. In the past, she's wet the bed, herself, and even in a car. I don't want to say it happens often but it happens often enough for it to be an issue (maybe once every few months).

 

The other day, she borrowed my car, and returned and when she came back, she was drunk although she refused to admit it. Then when I called her out on it, she declared I was nagging her, I'm judgmental, etc. Then it escalated to her saying that she's clearly a terrible person and I would be better off without her, then proceeds to list exes and friends of mine she thinks is in love with me (including random people such as sales clerks, waitresses, etc that we had 5 or less minutes of interaction with).

 

I reassured her I love her and wanted to be with her, never cheated nor ever would or even have any desire to, but this isn't the first time she's done this jealousy thing. She's brought it up a lot in the past when drunk and will even occasionally say things like "well you should be with them! They clearly want you and I don't want to ruin your crushes!" Note: I have no desire to be with any of these people she lists.

 

This is always followed by her crying and apologizing, promising it won't happen anymore until it does. I brought up therapy in the past, to which she agreed but never follows through on, and when I attempt to make an appointment, she storms off and avoids me.

 

She promises to cut back drinking, but then that quickly turns into me being a nag and being judgmental for bringing up things like her drunk driving, etc. She recognizes she has a problem but she thinks she can control it and thinks i'm being over-dramatic. My confronting her of drunk driving, soiling herself (and sleeping areas) has the same result. I honestly feel like she cares about drinking more than me, and sees me as an obstacle that conflicts with her fix.

 

I don't know what to do. I love this girl, but I'm feeling drained all the time and pretty hopeless. Is there any salvaging this?

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Well, as long as you stay with her and keep letting her borrow your car when you know damn well that she's going to be drinking, then you are enabling her to possibly kill someone or herself one day while driving drunk.

 

YOU make the appointment with a therapist for yourself so that you get the tools you need to enforce some boundaries with her and learn about the importance of personal boundaries to keep you safe from toxic relationships like the one you are currently in. Its time she quit drinking and if she doesn't, then she cannot be with you.

 

There is also Al-anon groups that you can join (google for a chapter near you) where people who are going through similar things with their loved ones can commiserate with you.

 

Please, you should really leave her and let her hit her rock bottom. She has no reason to change when she has you there enabling her dysfunction. If nothing else, do NOT lend her your car again and if you know she's out driving drunk, call the police on her before she kills someone.

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Well....here is what you can control - yourself. This means that you stop making excuses for your gf such as she is depressed and admit the truth to yourself - she is a full blown alcoholic. Period. Full stop. Once you do that, your life will become much more clear and more simple. For example, you'll stop giving her your car keys, stop arguing with a drunk about whether you cheat or not, because seriously, what's the point of arguing with a drunk? Stop enabling her bs.

 

Most importantly you need to recognize that no, she doesn't recognize or admit that she has a problem at all. If she recognized it, she would be in AA, rehab, therapy, etc. She would be doing whatever she needs to do to stop the addiction. Instead, she carries on and gets angry with you when you try to help. You can't help her or make her do anything. In fact, what you are doing is actually enabling her to carry on and avoid seeking help.

 

Btw.....an adult peeing on themselves.......even once is one time too often. You are accepting this insanity as normal.......I mean she is literally piss drunk and you are like well gosh it's not that frequent that she pisses herself...only every few....... You've got to be joking. Your own denial of the situation is as deep as hers.

 

Please dump her, get yourself into therapy. Figure out why you got involved with someone who is so damaged and stuck your head in the sand for so long about it. Life is too short to play savior to damaged damsels in distress, especially when you can't actually save them. Only they can save themselves.

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Thank you for the response. I don't intend to let her use my car anymore at least for a while. She's used it for a couple years and only recently drove it drunk (and on the way back so I had no indication she was drunk).

 

I think I'm going to make an appointment for myself, at the very least to help with boundaries. That said, I've tried to go to a therapist before and it was less than ideal: she didn't focus on any of the boundary stuff after I told her I wanted to but kept wanting to get into my past.

 

As far as my girlfriend, I'm really not sure what to do. The combo of drunk driving, jealousy and refusal to get help makes me feel so hopeless. I have to talk to her tonight but I'm not really even sure what to say. I spoke with her very briefly this morning and she apologized but seemed angry at me for calling her out on her actions.

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You're both right. As far as the drunk driving goes, she has been using my car for a long time, and just started to drunk drive meaning she's escalating. I would never let her use it if I knew she was drunk (she left sober, and returned drunk). That said, I have no intentions of letting her drive my car anymore for the time being as she proved she cannot be trusted with it.

 

I'm going to make a therapy appointment for myself for boundaries, I tried before but the therapist mostly dismissed my concerns wanting to talk about my family and not boundaries or what I wanted to talk about.

 

You're right, I am accepting this insanity as normal, and slowly it gets crazier and crazier. I am in denial, not by how crazy it's gotten but my hope that it will get better. I do love this girl, but I realize I deserve better than the way I'm being treated. It sucks, I really want to work this out, but with her refusing to admit she has a problem I don't think there's anything I can do.

 

I have to talk to her in a bit, and am not even sure what to say to her. She already called me crying earlier asking if I was going to dump her, and that I should just do it and get it over with. She honestly believes she isn't good enough for anyone, and it seems like she acts in a way to try and prove that she isn't worthy of love.

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Then tell her straightforward that you love her, but you can't be with an alcoholic. So, it's either you and this relationship or the bottle. She needs to choose and if she wants you to stay, then she is not so much as sniffing alcohol again and that she goes to AA and checks into rehab asap. Hold her to it. If she pitches a fit, if she says she'll do it and breaks her word, you pack your stuff and get out for good. Do not go this route unless you know you really will be strong enough to leave her. If you threaten and then don't carry it through, it will just make things worse for the two of you as she'll know that you are just full of it and she can just keep on sinking and sinking.

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I think you should just leave her and tell her that when/if she books an appointment with her doctor for a referral to a rehab facility and she is actually a resident, then you will be with her to support her through her recovery as you attend al-anon to help you with your own recovery from codependency...but until she does that step, you have no choice but to do what is best for the two of you and end things.

 

I'm glad to hear you'll no longer be lending her your car.

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A woman who is depressed alcoholic and pis#es herself is not a good partner. Next she'll be crapping herself. No joke, once alcoholics start to lose control of their bodily functions it gets bad. She needs therapy right now, unless she's helping herself there's nothing much you can do.

 

Storming off and avoiding you when you make an appointment for her benefit is incredibly disrespectful and childish. Its best to leave her. You've tried and no one could ever blame you for getting out of there.

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So I want to meet up with her and talk to her about everything that happened, but she's been avoiding me. I want to try and work through this or at least make an ultimatum but it's tough when she won't meet up. I feel like this is a conversation that needs to happen in person. I feel so frustrated and hopeless.

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So I want to meet up with her and talk to her about everything that happened, but she's been avoiding me. I want to try and work through this or at least make an ultimatum but it's tough when she won't meet up. I feel like this is a conversation that needs to happen in person. I feel so frustrated and hopeless.

 

There's no conversation that can 'fix' her. I'd wise up and allow her to avoid you permanently. Attend some AlaNon meetings to understand why, and consider taking a sponsor to teach you healthy ways to find a healthy person for the healthy and loving relationship you deserve.

 

Head high, and move forward. It's the kindest thing you could possibly do for her AND for yourself.

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