Help healing

[Hope1004]

My actual breakup is a long story. Basic jist of it is this... we were best friends for 6 years, until he told me I he loved me. I was his first and last thought of everyday. I said no because I didn't want to lose a friend and because my family wouldn't accept him. We dated in secret for 5 years. Stupid mistake. We broke up officially 7 years ago because I finished college and we thought it was best since my family didnt approve. (I found out recently because they saw qualities in him they saw as "egotistical", "a-holish" and too "anti social"). We acted like a couple in each other's lives for 7 years.

 

The beginning of this year I realized we both needed to move on. I wanted a future, I wanted marriage and kids. He thought marriage is a big shame institution and doesn't like babies or small kids. However I was still deeply in love with him and him being affectionate and cuddling me, kissing me... telling me he loves me so damn much.... it was to hard to move on. So I asked him to stop. He didn't... some days he was worst then others. I asked him to stop for months!

 

Finally I pushed myself to join a dating site right before the summer. I went on one date. He tells me he couldn't handle me moving on, it hurt him too much because he was so damn in love with me. It was killing him. So I felt terrible I hurt someone who loved me (or so I thought) and to be honest I was still in love with him. So i stopped despite the fact i dropped $ and got my parents hopes up. Little did I know he was telling people at work about his ex. Some secret relationship.

 

Fast forward to August. He sleeps with someone who admitted to liking him and someone he worked with. He tells me about how much he liked her and how he never felt so compatible with anyone before and how he was falling for her. Yes he tells me abt her for over 2 hours and just days before he told me he loved me. I tried to be a supportive ex and encouraged him. The night he's telling me about her, the night after he sleeps with her, He wraps his arms around me and SNUGGLED me. He held my hands and kisses them.

 

The drive home I admitted I was hurting about him moving on. He says if the situation was reversed he couldn't handle it. Oh but He was keeping my dirty pics until he was sure he was with this new girl. He drops me off and loses touch with me. I cried for over a week during which I text him numerous times as a friend. He messaged me a week later because he thought I blocked his mom. I didn't.

 

Then I texted him "I miss me best friend". We were friends for 18 years. His response was to that (2 weeks after I told him I was hurt) he informs me he was bringing his new girl to a friend's get together we both previously promised to go to and wanted to make sure I didn't give her a hard time. Oh to tell me his "i love you"s before that were platonic and i was reading too much into it. Amd the cuddling? He said he had no self control. I tried to be okay with meeting her but I couldn't. So he told him it was too hard right now to meet her. Instead of telling me, He told an intermediary that if I couldn't deal with it, he wasn't going to come.

 

I tried to call him and explain I needed to see him as a friend before I could see her as person who made my friend happy and not just someone who replaced me. I'm trying to salvage some kind of friendship and that i had no intention of wanting him back any romantic way. There was no future in it. It was bad for both of us. His response was to ignore me. I called him. He informed me he was turning off his phone and he needed time and space. I lost it. I've blocked and deleted him.

 

It's been 2 months now. I still think of him at times and boil up with anger. I know he didn't officially cheat.... but it feels like I was cheated on. I know I have no right, we broke up 7 years ago. But I feel used, manipulated and tossed aside. I think of him fewer and fewer, but I back slide a couple times. But more with his birthday coming up. But I am tired of backsliding. I'm tired of whining to my friends. How do I finally heal enough to stop thinking of him all together? I've joined a gym, I'm on vacation... but I still need help. Please.

[Ziggy123]

You can't be friends right now it will just keep being drama like this. He's acting out because he's hurting. Just keep the space for a while and when you're both healed you can talk about being friends.

[Hope1004]

You can't be friends right now it will just keep being drama like this. He's acting out because he's hurting. Just keep the space for a while and when you're both healed you can talk about being friends.

 

Wait how is he hurting? He replaced me with a new girlfriend after I stopped dating for him. Literally he said it hurt him so i stopped. I stopped dating to stay with him. He literally jumped into the first girl who told him she liked him and dropped me like a bag of bricks. I'm confused how he's hurting? Seriously I am confused... Please explain.

 

And I don't see us ever being friends. His answer to me attempting friendship for weeks was to turn off his phone. I dont want to mend that burnt bridge i want to work on fixing me. I need help and advice.

[Dominique]

Take care of yourself. Throw your energy into projects school, work, exercise.... Pray, meditate...cry. Go out with friends. Let to of him. Find you again.

 

It will hurt and it won't be easy. So don't expect any advice to take that part away. It won't go away. Not for awhile. You just need to unplug from him and forget contact with him and his family and friends. Let go.

 

Sending you love and light

[Hope1004]

Thank you. I have. I've started dating again, going to the gym, vacations, reconnected with an old friend, trying to do charity work.... I'm the kind of person who used to shake things off or try to understand the other person. Okay my friends say I make excuses for people... I guess holding this for 2 months feels too long. I wish there was a quicker way... Thank you for your advice.

[Ziggy123]

He was hurting because he loved you but you couldn't be together (for a valid reason) and you told him to stop treating you lovingly and you started to try and move on. So he saw you trying to move on by going on a date and he decided to move on too.... he didn't drop you like a bag of bricks because you were the one who knew it wouldn't work and wanted to move on....right? So anyways you both are creating drama so best to stay away now. I'm sure you both are not over each other but it's best of move on because you want different things. And guys can easily sleep with girls without having any feelings whatsoever so don't take him sleeping with a new girl to mean much.

[Hope1004]

He was hurting because he loved you but you couldn't be together (for a valid reason) and you told him to stop treating you lovingly and you started to try and move on. So he saw you trying to move on by going on a date and he decided to move on too.... he didn't drop you like a bag of bricks because you were the one who knew it wouldn't work and wanted to move on....right? So anyways you both are creating drama so best to stay away now. I'm sure you both are not over each other but it's best of move on because you want different things. And guys can easily sleep with girls without having any feelings whatsoever so don't take him sleeping with a new girl to mean much.

 

Perhaps. Then he should have let me go. Not guilt trip me. And not let me give up trying to move on until he found someone first. That's selfish no matter how you cut it. He even basically said I was a back up by saying he was keeping my dirty pics until he was sure he was with this new girl. That's flattering.

 

I do take it so much be slept with her because he perused her right away and was in a relationship less then a month later. I think it took them 2 weeks with him spending everyday with her. Yes, my intermediary friend told me, he literally spent every day with her after dropping me off. And like I said distance is all I want from him. Forever. If he had good reasons, it's too late now.

 

I need to work on healing and moving forward. Positive vibes and self discovery. And eventually find who I am meant to be with... hopefully someone who puts my needs ahead of his. And vise versa.

[joker78]

hey there, i am kind of going through the same thing as u, i was “cheated on” by my ex.. one day she could still kiss and hug me, the next she moved on with a rebound she found.

i need strength to move on too.. and get over this anger.

i do hope we can get through these one day. we really deserve much better than all these.

[Hope1004]

hey there, i am kind of going through the same thing as u, i was “cheated on” by my ex.. one day she could still kiss and hug me, the next she moved on with a rebound she found.

i need strength to move on too.. and get over this anger.

i do hope we can get through these one day. we really deserve much better than all these.

 

Agreed. My ex just contacted me last night acting like nothing happened even though he's still with his new girlfriend.

 

I didn't let anger boil through to much, but calmly explained why we can not be friends anymore. Just like me, you are nobody's emotional crutch or backup romance insurance.

 

We do deserve better. You will find someone worth your love. So will i.