Best friend taunting me about my condition

[mia500]

My best friend and I have known each other for about 4 years now, but something's seriously bothering me. She's always lying and telling me about something that someone does that she doesn’t like, when in reality she's talking about me. She might say, "that girl is always complaining" and describe something I talked to her about. And then I won't realize she was sending me subliminal messages until later when it's too late to bring it up. I don’t understand why she isn’t direct. This time was the last straw. I had cold sores that I was really self conscious about a few months ago. Now they're gone, but she's talking about a guy she slept with with and how the condom broke.. She would not, for the life of her stop talking about how she might have herpes. She wouldn't let it go, she said it like 5 times and kept talking about it when I said I felt she'd be okay. It was obvious she wanted me to tell her about my condition because I feel like she'd be worried about all STDs if this really happened, not just herpes. I felt really made fun of and felt like she got a big sense of power over knowing something I didn't want to tell her. She just kept going at it and it made me really uncomfortable and at a loss of words. Do you think your friends would do this? I don’t know if I should stay close with her because she's always acting this way.

[MissCanuck]

You really need to revise your definition of "best friend." This girl ain't it.

 

And no, my friends would not behave this way. They'd be out of my life if they did.

[Hollyj]

No. You should be done with her. She is not your friend.

 

Herpes on your mouth are not an STD.

[rosephase]

What a passive aggressive jerk. Don't stay friends with her.

[catfeeder]

You can always reach for the ol', "What would you like for me to say to help you?"

 

Asking direct questions looks right in the eye of the squirm factor--and switches it.

 

The key is to avoid being accusatory as you ask what, exactly, the person wants from you.

 

I'd also start viewing anyone who makes you feel lousy rather than good to be an acquaintance, not a friend. That doesn't mean you need to burn bridges, but it does minimize their importance in your life as you expand your scope to find better friends.

[Seraphim]

Find a better best friend. Friends don't tear you down . Many people get cold sores as children from people or relatives who have kissed them. I know many many people who have got cold sores this way . Nothing to be ashamed of .

[Batya33]

Please distance yourself from this person. She's toxic.

[mia500]

What about the subliminal messaging? Just in terms of all my friendships, is that forgivable at all? If I'm wearing something a friend thinks I shouldn't, they might talk about someone wearing something similar and talk bad about it that way instead of addressing me directly. Or say I have done my makeup bad, they might say "when I was younger I used to overdo my makeup" in the hope that I understand that way. Do you or your friends ever do this with each other? Or is this something else I should look out for?

[Iggy5129]

What about the subliminal messaging? Just in terms of all my friendships, is that forgivable at all? If I'm wearing something a friend thinks I shouldn't, they might talk about someone wearing something similar and talk bad about it that way instead of addressing me directly. Or say I have done my makeup bad, they might say "when I was younger I used to overdo my makeup" in the hope that I understand that way. Do you or your friends ever do this with each other? Or is this something else I should look out for?

 

Um, no, because I’m an adult. I don’t care how people dress or do their makeup and if I have a problem with someone I’m direct about it, not passive aggressive.

 

Your friends suck.

[Starlight925]

What about the subliminal messaging? Just in terms of all my friendships, is that forgivable at all? If I'm wearing something a friend thinks I shouldn't, they might talk about someone wearing something similar and talk bad about it that way instead of addressing me directly. Or say I have done my makeup bad, they might say "when I was younger I used to overdo my makeup" in the hope that I understand that way. Do you or your friends ever do this with each other? Or is this something else I should look out for?

 

Actually, any friend who has done anything like that to me gets moved in the "acquaintance" pile, and then moved to the "I don't know you" pile.

 

Usually, I don't even bother saying anything, because I figure, that's on them.

[Hollyj]

What about the subliminal messaging? Just in terms of all my friendships, is that forgivable at all? If I'm wearing something a friend thinks I shouldn't, they might talk about someone wearing something similar and talk bad about it that way instead of addressing me directly. Or say I have done my makeup bad, they might say "when I was younger I used to overdo my makeup" in the hope that I understand that way. Do you or your friends ever do this with each other? Or is this something else I should look out for?

 

No. I don't. Do other people do this to you?

 

Are you going to continue the relationship? I can't refer to it as a friendship. She is a toxic, passive aggressive bi&ch!

 

How old are you?

[mia500]

Im an 19 and she's my age. And yes, I've noticed other people use this as a form/tactic of communication toward me. As for if I will continue the friendship, that's exactly what I'm worried about. One minute she's telling me how beautiful of a person I am and giving boyfriend advice, the next she completely disregards my feelings by mocking me like this. It leaves me confused about whether or not she cares about my feelings.

[Hollyj]

She's not your friend, as others have said. If this is a pattern with people, then I would address those 'friendships.' This is toxic and mean.

[catfeeder]

What about the subliminal messaging? Just in terms of all my friendships, is that forgivable at all? If I'm wearing something a friend thinks I shouldn't, they might talk about someone wearing something similar and talk bad about it that way instead of addressing me directly. Or say I have done my makeup bad, they might say "when I was younger I used to overdo my makeup" in the hope that I understand that way. Do you or your friends ever do this with each other? Or is this something else I should look out for?

 

Consider the context. If someone is usually kind and generally has your best interests at heart, then she may be looking for a tactful way to tell you that something in unflattering on you. In that case I'd laugh and tell her, "You're off the hook if you're trying to tell me that this outfit is...unfortunate..." (or my hair, or makeup or whatever.) If she giggles and agrees, or apologizes, then cut her a break.

 

If, on the other hand, you sense that this person has some kind of complex that comes at you with the intent of making you feel inferior, then make her work harder by asking an open question, "What is that you're trying to tell me?" Then bask in her discomfort and make a mental note that she's not trustworthy and you will never follow her advice--because she'll steer you wrong.

 

You know this person and you know yourself. We don't. Your gut knows whether there's actual cruelty behind this person's delivery OR whether you're insecure enough to read malicious intent into comments designed to be helpful. If you're done giving benefit of doubt to someone who's obviously just out to make you feel lousy all the time, then stop investing in her. If you're trapped in classes or a shared social group with her, then remain cheerful and kind when your paths cross, but stop dealing with her outside of that group. Become too 'busy' with school, work--anything, and start finding ways to make friends beyond the limits of your current social group.

 

Head high.