I feel that mutual friend is being used by my ex GF to find out about me

[Mikey383]

So, EX girlfriend dumped me almost 2 months ago, after 2.5 years of being together. She walked out, as she wanted someone better than me. She dumped me once in February, then in May she came back claiming that grass was not greener on the other side, that she was still in love with me.

 

Then towards the end of August she decided that she was not happy and dissatisfied, needed space etc... So she dumped me again over text...

 

Within 2 weeks she was on Match.com looking for someone new and apparently she found someone new.. They been maybe together for a couple of weeks... Regardless, it is a fresh relationship, maybe a re bound? I don't know?

 

I haven't gone out and looked for anyone yet. I decided to take my time and recover. 2.5 years meant a lot to me, and I am not ready to run out there. She was the dumper, so I am sure that she has been planning this well in advance.. Matter of fact I think when she left me the first time, she checked out mentally already then and she came back only because she was lonely, and because I was easy to take her back.

 

So, now she has a new squeeze...

 

However, we do have one mutual friend. He is young and easy to manipulate. He is the only conduit.. As far as I know, she blocked me on everything, there is no way to communicate and I have been doing NC and not reaching out to her. In my opinion the relationship is not repairable, she dumped me, I have no reason to be finding ways to communicate when its unwanted.

 

So, since the break up, this mutual friend (guy/21 year old kid) has been texting me a lot. Asking me if I would take her back? if I am dating anyone?....etc... Checking up on me all the time. I have been nice, polite and not providing too much info.

 

So this last weekend out of the blue, our young mutual friend asks me via text:

 

-"Hey do you want to see something? Are you ready for this?"

 

So, I wait to reply... anyone else curious would be like, sure...send it over...

But not me, I am like a detective, and I smelling trouble here... So I tell him:

 

-"If it is anything to do with her, I don't need to see it"

 

He replies:

 

-" Ok I wont send it"

 

I tell him, cool, I don't need to know anything about her...

 

Then he comes back:

 

-"Its just a picture"

 

And then he asks also:

 

-"Are you seeing anyone"?

 

I tell him again, that I don't need to see pictures of her, and I ask him if the picture is of her and some guy?

 

Finally he replies:

 

-"Yes it is"

 

I tell him, that I am glad that she has moved on, and found happiness etc... Nothing harsh, just kind and polite words...

 

Then he comes back:

 

-"Glad you are handling it well, not sitting at home bumming out...etc..."

 

I tell him... NO...I am moving on....

 

And I tell him, that I am certain he has been talking to her... But he down plays it...Tells me that he has not been in contact with her....

 

I left it alone after that...I am 43 and have no time to be playing games.

 

What is going on here?

Why try to be so sneaky and to find a way to deliver this picture to me? Feels as if someone wanted me to see this picture...

Why asking if I am dating anyone?

Not sure where the concern about me being bummed out is coming from...? As I am not bummed out....

 

Anyone? Any ideas?

[ThatwasThen]

Would your ex have possibly put him up to it, trying to find out what's going on with you without actually asking herself?

Could this so called "mutual friend" be with her in some dynamic (casual/Fb's/etc)?

 

You handled it well. If he butts his nose in again after your polite dismissal then tell him straight up to butt out.

[Andrina]

I would flat out tell him that you're trying to move on and that you NEVER want to hear her name mentioned by him again, nor want to hear anything about her. What are you getting from your friendship with this guy? If you're not enjoying his company and feel like he has an ulterior motive every time you get together, I'd dump him since he's really no friend at all. Especially if he's feeding info to her that is no longer her business.

[Mikey383]

Would your ex have possibly put him up to it, trying to find out what's going on with you without actually asking herself?

Could this so called "mutual friend" be with her in some dynamic (casual/Fb's/etc)?

 

You handled it well. If he butts his nose in again after your polite dismissal then tell him straight up to butt out.

 

Well.... He has a GF of his own. And he is young and easy to manipulate. I do not think they are FB's...hahaha...

Last time we broke up in February, she used him to find things out about me.

She told me herself after we got back together, that he is easy to manipulate, and that she can play him.... My ex is 41 and I am 43... This mutual friend is 21... He sees me a mentor... However he has known me for 2.5 years and he has known her his entire life... She has been like a mom to him and his sister. Matter of fact his sister is best friends with my EX's oldest daughter..

 

Also it was me that constantly initiated contact with my EX, as we did have a e-mail channel open with each other back then during the first break up.

This time she completely blocked me everywhere, as far as I know and started dating a new guy within weeks of dumping me...

 

All I have been doing is keeping NC going... Not inquiring about her, not asking anyone any questions...

I think that my EX is trying to use him to figure out where I am at with my life... if I started dating anyone? And for some reason she wanted me to see this photo... But why? Is it to get a reaction out of me? To see if I am jealous? Why trying to see if I am wallowing over her?

 

She is the one that dumped me... So why not just text me on her own and see how things are?

And if she is in a new relationship, why be curious about me?

 

I know he must be delivering info back to her. I am very certain... I can feel it...

[Thainara]

Hey, you sound to be a well grounded and nice guy. Ye, clearly she's manipulating this guy and clearly you should go NC with him too. He's not being your friend at all. He's young but he does know how hurtful it is to see your ex with another guy. So do a favor to yourself and get rid of this "good friend"

[Mikey383]

I would flat out tell him that you're trying to move on and that you NEVER want to hear her name mentioned by him again, nor want to hear anything about her. What are you getting from your friendship with this guy? If you're not enjoying his company and feel like he has an ulterior motive every time you get together, I'd dump him since he's really no friend at all. Especially if he's feeding info to her that is no longer her business.

 

I did tell him that already.

That's when he backed off... Down played the whole thing.

I am not close to this kid.

I have mentored him because his parents are not very involved in his life.

 

I am just trying to see if my train of thought is correct here.

I feel that she is curious about me. But also wants me to be jealous.

Just not sure why? She has a new boy friend...

[Mikey383]

Hey, you sound to be a well grounded and nice guy. Ye, clearly she's manipulating this guy and clearly you should go NC with him too. He's not being your friend at all. He's young but he does know how hurtful it is to see your ex with another guy. So do a favor to yourself and get rid of this "good friend"

 

Totally agree.

I am slowly backing out from being in contact with him..

I still love my EX.

Not sure why she is doing this?

Feels that it is deliberate...

[Hollyj]

So sorry.

 

This guy does not sound like a friend. He sounds like he likes to stir up trouble. Hurtful and disrespectful to you.

[Thainara]

Totally agree.

I am slowly backing out from being in contact with him..

I still love my EX.

Not sure why she is doing this?

Feels that it is deliberate...

 

 

Well, here i my own experience. I've done that when I was younger. It's ownership feeling. Just to make sure you're still thinking about her for egoic reasons. That's why she asked the guy to show you her pic, she wanted you to feel jealous and start thinking of her. She must have many issues. I'm not saying she's a bad person for that but feel glad you've got rid of her.

[DancingFool]

Dumpers play these kinds of games for two possible reasons. The first is seeking to alleviate their guilt over dumping you. In other words if you have moved on and are happy with someone else, all guilt gone. Second reason is ego boost/security blanket. If you still have feelings, if you are still wallowing in a puddle of tears, then you could possibly be used again if their current relationship isn't going as planned. Plus it's just nice for the ego to know someone is so broken down over losing their "greatness". Keep in mind that both reasons are really founded on personal arrogance that the dumper has such power and influence over the dumpee, that the dumpee's life will just crumble without the dumper in it.

 

Anyway, this kid is no friend of yours and you really have no reason to maintain contact with him or keep mentoring him. I mean if you want to, then do mentor him in etiquette of these kinds of situations. Lesson being that if he wants to keep your mentorship, he better learn fast how to be tactful, keep his mouth shut, and keep out of games others may play. Don't ask and don't debate, simply put your foot down and tell him what the rules are.

[Mikey383]

Well, here i my own experience. I've done that when I was younger. It's ownership feeling. Just to make sure you're still thinking about her for egoic reasons. That's why she asked the guy to show you her pic, she wanted you to feel jealous and start thinking of her. She must have many issues. I'm not saying she's a bad person for that but feel glad you've got rid of her.

 

Yes. She does have a lot of issues.

Too long to list.

That is another reason why she jumped right away into dating.

Took no time to heal or even think what went wrong, or try to salvage our relationship.

She is very needy, and very selfish. It's all about her and her need to have a better than "OK" life...

We broke up for the first time, because I asked her and her kids to move out of my house... We were not blending very well, her kids were very disrespectful to me and my kids.

She and her kids of course blamed me, and made it look like, that I kicked them out.

Later I found out that her kids never wanted to be in my home to begin with.

It was a lose/lose situation for me from any edge of the sword.

I tried working this all out with her, but she put no effort.

I do not know why she came back for 3 more months. She should have been done and gone the first time around.

I know she tired dating back then also, but it was not working, so she came back and I think lied to me, and used me for 3 more months until she finally decided to cut all ties with me this time around...

This time I took a different stance. Decided to take time and heal as she shattered my heart twice already....

And as I am starting to focus less on her now, and I accepted that she is already moving on with the next guy... This comes my way out of the blue....

[ThatwasThen]

Matter of fact his sister is best friends with my EX's oldest daughter..

Do you think the oldest daughter has anything to do with all of this? It all sounds very immature to be honest.

[Mikey383]

Dumpers play these kinds of games for two possible reasons. The first is seeking to alleviate their guilt over dumping you. In other words if you have moved on and are happy with someone else, all guilt gone. Second reason is ego boost/security blanket. If you still have feelings, if you are still wallowing in a puddle of tears, then you could possibly be used again if their current relationship isn't going as planned. Plus it's just nice for the ego to know someone is so broken down over losing their "greatness". Keep in mind that both reasons are really founded on personal arrogance that the dumper has such power and influence over the dumpee, that the dumpee's life will just crumble without the dumper in it.

 

Anyway, this kid is no friend of yours and you really have no reason to maintain contact with him or keep mentoring him. I mean if you want to, then do mentor him in etiquette of these kinds of situations. Lesson being that if he wants to keep your mentorship, he better learn fast how to be tactful, keep his mouth shut, and keep out of games others may play. Don't ask and don't debate, simply put your foot down and tell him what the rules are.

 

Well, I am not wallowing over her.

I accepted the situation and began self healing.

I decided to not contact her at all, I have no reason for it.

First time we broke up, I guess, I begged for her to come back...

Not this time.

Now that I am quiet, that is not good enough either....

She has a new guy...That should be the ego boost she needs...

She was previously married to a very nice and handsome man... You should see him now, 9 years later.

He is depressed, still in love with her, wants her back, it's like as if he never moved on and he is stuck on her.

She must have done a number on him. Some sort of a spell....haha...

I sure don't want to end up like he did...

After her divorce, she has jumped from one guy to the other in search of this "better than OK life"...

Then she met me on Match. She chased me like crazy and seemed genuine in every form.., up until we moved in together into my home... Then issues began to arise... Two of her kids need special help.... Something that she has neglected to address over the years because men had priority in her life. In turn her kids begun to resent every man. No matter how good, they want him out and gone, and mom to themselves. She has a 16 year old Son with a form of Autism... It is a sad situation as she has done nothing to help him cope with his issues. She also has a 19 year old Daughter with severe Social Anxiety Disorder and depression. Same situation here, not helping this young girl advance in life. I actually suggested that she takes her to counseling.. The oldest went off to College and there is a 6 year old little girl also in the mix... The focus is not the kids. It's men....Did not take her long to jump on the next guy already...

[Mikey383]

Do you think the oldest daughter has anything to do with all of this? It all sounds very immature to be honest.

 

Could be.

I know that the oldest is off at school..

But I know she hates me and she is in contact with this young mans sister.

Could be that she is doing this as a form of revenge....

 

But then again, my EX is immature also...and very knowing her, she is the type to want to know if I am on the back burner by any chance...

Last time when we broke up... Situation was somewhat identical.

The difference this time is that she is dating someone now.... and back then she tried also, but no one committed so she came back to where the comfort was....

I have no clue how this relationship will work out...

[ThatwasThen]

Could be.

I know that the oldest is off at school..

But I know she hates me and she is in contact with this young mans sister.

Could be that she is doing this as a form of revenge....

 

But then again, my EX is immature also...and very knowing her, she is the type to want to know if I am on the back burner by any chance...

Last time when we broke up... Situation was somewhat identical.

The difference this time is that she is dating someone now.... and back then she tried also, but no one committed so she came back to where the comfort was....

I have no clue how this relationship will work out...

 

Well, I hope you are bright enough to forget about all of this and thereby not allowing her to rent space in your brain for free. She's issued, she's self-absorbed, she's a lousy mother. I suspect the only good thing about her is the Marilyn Munro-esque way she made you feel like you-da-man or the porn-like sex.

 

Forget the motive of the young man/the ex/the oldest daughter/the butler did it. The relationship is over and you are better off for it. DO NOT ever let her back into your life again... even if that letting her back in entails her using mutual friends to mind-meld you.

[Mikey383]

Well, I hope you are bright enough to forget about all of this and thereby not allowing her to rent space in your brain for free. She's issued, she's self-absorbed, she's a lousy mother. I suspect the only good thing about her is the Marilyn Munro-esque way she made you feel like you-da-man or the porn-like sex.

 

Forget the motive of the young man/the ex/the oldest daughter/the butler did it. The relationship is over and you are better off for it. DO NOT ever let her back into your life again... even if that letting her back in entails her using mutual friends to mind-meld you.

 

Hahaha...

Totally agree with you. You hit the nail on the head.

She is no Marilyn...But she is a good looking woman.

And yes, the sex was great, I won't deny that, it was porn quality..hahaha..... So yes, breaking it off and moving forward has been like going cold Turkey after some great mind blinding drug.

However, that is the only thing that she brought to the table (looks and sex).

As for being a mom, you are correct, she is a terrible mom. I would say that she may even be neglecting her children to fulfill her own personal needs. I am the closest that she has ever come to, in order to achieve her goal of better than "OK" life...She worked hard on me to work her way into my home. Unfortunately for her I woke up out of this mesmerizing dream, and asked her to move out....Silly as it may seem, she put no effort in stopping me... Usually when you are in love with someone, you will try to somehow discuss the issues, try to work it out... She did not bother... After I asked her to move out, she shut down on me... Told me that she needed some time to move out, had to find a new place. So for about a month and a half, she just acted as if I did not exist...She blocked herself from me emotionally, went into this non emotional Cocoon.... She was just blah.... Zoned off... I tried talking to her, but she was non reactive... She put no effort to salvage the situation... And it felt as if a bunch of squatters lived in my home for free.... She quit contributing.... Eventually she moved out and blamed me for kicking her and her kids out.... And the reason why this all happened was because her kids did everything up hill and manipulated everything to destroy the relationship and then look like victims... Seems to me that they learned that from mom.... She is definitely a manipulative person...

[ThatwasThen]

The more you share about her, the more Borderline Personality Disorder comes to mind.

 

Unfortunately for her I woke up out of this mesmerizing dream, and asked her to move out....

... and fortunately for you. If you were so inclined, you may have ended up with the last guy she left shattered and a shell of his former self.

 

Good luck in your next adventures in dating.

[Mikey383]

The more you share about her, the more Borderline Personality Disorder comes to mind.

 

... and fortunately for you. If you were so inclined, you may have ended up with the last guy she left shattered and a shell of his former self.

 

Good luck in your next adventures in dating.

 

Thank you...I def did learn a lot from this...

But before I head back out there, I am taking a breather and living single for a bit....

Thats why this time I decided to completely separate myself from her, need that addiction to wear off .... Everyday I am making good progress....Taking time to heal....

 

 

Yes, I am aware that she scorned her ex husband...

She knew that he wanted her back...she was proud of it...as if she could snap her finger and he would come running... After he found out that she moved in with me, he went ballistic....He was sending her text messages...What ever she did to hurt him, took the life right out of him..

 

After the second time she dumped me, I told myself, no way..No more, and there is no way I will be like him....

 

She told me all the reasons why she left him....That he could not provide, poor lover, introverted, etc....

 

She wants someone that will take her out and show her a good time, someone that will shower her with constant attention and non stop love....She is very needy....And when she is chasing a man, the text messages come pouring in non stop....texting, sexting, even provacotive selfies, no limit, no filter....she is addicted to sex and the non stop love euphoria...its like a high that she needs...and she needs that non stop....but at the same time she wants a partner that has $ and is well established....someone that brings in a nice income and can spend it on her and her kids....she says that she is not materialistic, but she really is...she is quick in introducing her kids into the relationship and at first it all looks hunky dory, but then things become noticeable....and if u question it, you get some non constructive answer, as if things are peechy dandy, no worries....cuz of course she omits the reality in order to achieve her goal....only to get you hooked....next thing you know she is in your home for good...and all of the sudden you find out that she does not make this great salary that she lied about, her kids are terrible because she never cared to teach them any better, she dismisses normal day to day issues that adults should tackle with children, gives you excuses that they are just kids, and wants you to not have a voice....in turn her kids are doing everything to ruin the relationship and to prove you as the bad guy, cuz they hate men...Men are all evil, and no man is good enough for their mom and for them....So all of the sudden you find yourself walking on egg shells in your own home...and you are regretting that you invited these people in to your home....Your own kids feel uncomfortable in the house, the environment is affecting them....The air is thick, and everyday you are becoming miserable in your own home...On top of that they are disrespecting your home that you worked hard to purchase and maintain cuz its not theirs and they don't understand the value of your hard work...simply they don't care....They expect your kids to do the chores, but they won't lift a finger to help out...Now your own kids had enough also..... Then you find out that she can't financially contribute and you are stuck with 5 additional people sucking off your resources and your pocket... But they also expect you to take them on vacations.... Seriously!!??....So now you are beginning to feel your mistake....Now you have all sorts of stress on your hands... So you try to talk it over with her, but she has no tools to help out, not even emotionally....

 

I make well over six figures....and it was a struggle....

 

9 people in the house and I felt that I was taking from my kids and giving to her kids....and my kids felt it also....yet none of her kids were even greatfull for what I did for them....

 

I tried to interact with them, but they did not want it...they saw me as some guy dating their mom....it just felt as if I was a stranger in my own home....

 

So yes....she had to go...not sure why she tried to continue again for 3 months?....

[DancingFool]

It might be good for you to recognize that she baited you with good old fashioned competition - prove to me that you are better than my worthless ex. Perhaps the lesson to take away from this is that the moment you hear someone bad mouth their ex, instead of jumping in with proving how you are sooo superior, you recognize the trap and walk away before YOU become the ex she is badmouthing to the next victim, aka guy she hooked.

[Mikey383]

It might be good for you to recognize that she baited you with good old fashioned competition - prove to me that you are better than my worthless ex. Perhaps the lesson to take away from this is that the moment you hear someone bad mouth their ex, instead of jumping in with proving how you are sooo superior, you recognize the trap and walk away before YOU become the ex she is badmouthing to the next victim, aka guy she hooked.

 

My Grandmother used to say, that when your ears ring a lot, someone is talking about you...And let me tell you, my ears have been ringing off the hook..

 

I think you are absolutely correct...

 

She did bad mouth her ex husband, and all the ex lovers before me...Everything from bad lovers, to guys that took her for granted, to guys that did not pay enough attention to her, or wanted to date and not be involved with her kids....Its like all her past relationships have been at fast pace....And no one was able to survive....Some guys ran of because the kids chased them out, others lasted a week or two etc...

 

I am certain that I am next in line to be trashed in front of the next guy...

 

But you are correct, she did make her life with her ex husband so terrible and judging by his behavior it looked legit...as if he was this terrible loser..... I came to realize that her story might not be so valid. I believe that he was a good loving man, trying to save a failing marriage. I don't think she helped, and quite the opposite, she probably hurt him a lot and drained the life force out of him....

 

I also think, and something tells me, that she is not so done with me yet.... That somehow she will reappear on my radar again... Now I have to put on my armor and reject her when that day comes....I feel that this next guy won't cut it....Soon that relationship will fail...

 

But yes, you are correct...a good lesson to take away...

Run when someone is trashing their old love like this...

I can only imagine the things she may be saying about me....

 

And yes, I did jump in....I did not recognize the red flag...She seemed very genuine, wanted a family life, all those good things...I guess she painted a good picture...She also told me all these great tings about herself as a person....Once the real her came out, non of those great qualities showed....this loving person was no longer there....I saw someone that was cold, heartless, no empathy, no ability to communicate....Finally someone that wanted an easy way out...

[Mikey383]

It might be good for you to recognize that she baited you with good old fashioned competition - prove to me that you are better than my worthless ex. Perhaps the lesson to take away from this is that the moment you hear someone bad mouth their ex, instead of jumping in with proving how you are sooo superior, you recognize the trap and walk away before YOU become the ex she is badmouthing to the next victim, aka guy she hooked.

 

Also...she did use the "actions" word a lot...Show me....words don't mean anything, actions speak louder...

 

I get it and its true that actions do speak a lot, however Rome was not built over night.... And in her mind Rome was built over a second...

 

I do remember how she pressured me to move in together....Gave me every ligit explanation why we should be together everyday....She was so in love with me...Dying to be with me everyday....under the same roof....And I kept showing it through actions....When it came to her actions I did not see those actions that she so spoke about...

[DancingFool]

Also...she did use the "actions" word a lot...Show me....words don't mean anything, actions speak louder...

 

I get it and its true that actions do speak a lot, however Rome was not built over night.... And in her mind Rome was built over a second...

 

I do remember how she pressured me to move in together....Gave me every ligit explanation why we should be together everyday....She was so in love with me...Dying to be with me everyday....under the same roof....And I kept showing it through actions....When it came to her actions I did not see those actions that she so spoke about...

 

She sounds incredibly manipulative and quite good at it. People like her usually are, precisely because they can be so charming, charismatic, even rational sounding. What does give them away every single time is how persistently they are pushing you outside your personal boundaries by any means necessary. This means that they can zero in on any weak spot of yours - maybe you are lonely, maybe it's this or that. They'll certainly test your armor for weak spots with amazing persistence and they'll find something. One way to avoid this mess is to cut them off early and ruthlessly. The very first time they bring up something absurd like moving in after a few dates or whatever triggers your mind to go "what the......" Don't question it, just run straight for the hills. You'll save yourself a tremendous amount of grief that way.

 

As for her possibly resurfacing, no doubt you are probably correct. So rather than trying to resist and preparing to reject her, just go ahead and block her from all means of contact now. No need to torture yourself any further with her bs.

[Honeycomb8]

She sounds alittle sick in the head. I'd block on everything, maybe change my number if I can. You shouldn't have taken her back the first time, but I hope it's a lesson learnt. Looks and sex does not make a relationship, when all they do is drain, use and hurt you.

[figureitout23]

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.