Getting mixed signals - feeling confused and heatbroken

[chloeheart]

I'm new here and have been dealing with a recent break-up. My ex-bf and I were together for 3.5 years and mutually broke up 2 months ago. We fought a lot at the end of our relationship and even though we loved each other, we couldn't see eye to eye on things and it wore us down. I told him that I would try my best to not complain as much anymore but there was so much resentment that I couldn't keep my promise. He, on the other hand, often shut down whenever I would complain and didn't want to talk about our issues anymore.

 

I think the biggest mistake we made after the break-up was to stay in contact. We texted each other almost everyday but it led to a lot of hurt and confusion because at the end of the day, we were still not back together. We even hooked up once and I asked him where do we go from here, and his reply was that there is still a lot we need to fix.

 

The last time we saw each other was about 2 weeks ago for lunch and I told him that I needed to let go because I felt that our constant contact was not healthy for me/us. I wanted a relationship but he said again that we need to fix what was broken before we had a chance. I think he pretty much alluded to the fact it was on me to change. He said that I should come back in a month if I still really loved him and we can go from there. That evening when I got home, I received a texted from him that said "I still love you very much." I replied saying that I also love him very much. That was it. I haven't heard from him since and I decided to go NC.

 

Since we share mutual friends, I heard that he has been going out a lot and some have spotted him with different girls.

 

Does this mean that we are 100% over and that there's no point in reaching out in a month? It seems he is moving on fairly quickly and forgetting about me. I miss and love him so much and want us to work out in the future but now, I feel that there is no more hope. I want to call/text him so badly but I know that it will not lead to much since it's too soon.

 

Is it normal for guys to party it out at first? Will he miss me later? It's been about 2 weeks of NC.

 

Thanks and sorry for my ramble. My heart feels like it's been shattered in a thousand pieces. He is the love of my life and I know I was his and we had such a strong and amazing connection. I just don't understand how it could all just vanish

[chloeheart]

I can't eat, sleep or even go to work I'm feeling so depressed and want so bad to talk to him again. How can he move on so quickly? Why did he ask me to come back in a month if I really still love him if he's going to go date other girls? I don't know what to do with myself. I miss him so so much.

[Mini999]

Dear I m passing through d same ...we broke up 3 weeks ago and today is my 3 day no contact as before we use to msg but not be together so I just stoped. This weekend I saw thru his friends he went clubbing don't know if he feels of going out but there he was. I'm suffering n wen I saw a pic I just felt miserly ... I don't know Wat to say. I did all but seams I'm not heard ... he loves me n j love him a lot but we fought a lot and mainly to d same past ....of someone else involved in past. So we had argue and and he was mad n asked space ....we were talking but to no were so I hope he ll come to his sense n realise .... I don't know how long I could feel bad n in pain. May be they just want enjoy single lives .... who knows but for sure I know it's a curcle and Wat wd lose we find back hope not too late ...or at least in a different form.good luck dear let me know what ..

[firelily]

Breaking up sucks. Breaking up with someone you still love stucks even more. And all that's happening is not helping either... If you decide to move on, it will take a lot of time to heal and to get there. If you both decide to get back together and work on your issues, it will also take a lot of time.

 

As hard as it is, I would try to cut off from whatever is going with your ex-boyfriend and concentrate on yourself. If fidelity or wandering eye wasn't an issue in your relationship, I'd assume that him meeting with other women is a way of acting out, and assume that it's possible that he's willing to get back together.

 

But try not to think about it for a while. Spend another couple of weeks just with yourself. Meet with friends, go for walks, take care of yourself. Think about what you need. What make you break up in the first place? Do you think these issues can be improved? To what extend? What are your needs in relationship and how far are you willing to compromise?

 

If you feel like you know what you want, I'd set a meeting with your ex, and ask him what he wants. Does he genuinely want to get back with you, start a new chapter and try harder this time?

 

If you feel like not knowing where you stand is too hard with you, maybe another option would be to talk about your boyfriend now - if you feel emotionally stable enough. To set up a meeting in a public place to ask him where he stands, how much time does he need to figure things out, do you give yourself some time to think whether your decision is final, does he plan to date other people in this time. If he won't respond, or cooperate, the best thing is to move on, and give yourself time to cry this out. If he's willing to reconsider breakup, go to step A - give yourself time to figure out what you want until you're sure. Because there's no point in going through this hell of breakup in a couple of months again. If two people can get back together, it's only after they've calmed down and start something with a new attitude.

 

Good luck. Either way, it's gonna be hard, so give yourself permission to grieve and find things that bring you more peace and hope.

[firelily]

P.S.

 

When I broke up with a man I loved a few months ago, the thing that brought me hope was the poem:

 

“Hope is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all"

 

Because deep in my heart, I always have a hope. Hope that I will be happy. With this man or another, there's a huge chance that in a couple of years I will be happy in love and I won't remember the intensity of this pain, it will be over and I will be in a better place. That helped me to get through the worse pain. I hope you will find your remedy.

[chloeheart]

Dear I m passing through d same ...we broke up 3 weeks ago and today is my 3 day no contact as before we use to msg but not be together so I just stoped. This weekend I saw thru his friends he went clubbing don't know if he feels of going out but there he was. I'm suffering n wen I saw a pic I just felt miserly ... I don't know Wat to say. I did all but seams I'm not heard ... he loves me n j love him a lot but we fought a lot and mainly to d same past ....of someone else involved in past. So we had argue and and he was mad n asked space ....we were talking but to no were so I hope he ll come to his sense n realise .... I don't know how long I could feel bad n in pain. May be they just want enjoy single lives .... who knows but for sure I know it's a curcle and Wat wd lose we find back hope not too late ...or at least in a different form.good luck dear let me know what ..

 

 

hang in there i feel so hopeless....

[chloeheart]

Breaking up sucks. Breaking up with someone you still love stucks even more. And all that's happening is not helping either... If you decide to move on, it will take a lot of time to heal and to get there. If you both decide to get back together and work on your issues, it will also take a lot of time.

 

As hard as it is, I would try to cut off from whatever is going with your ex-boyfriend and concentrate on yourself. If fidelity or wandering eye wasn't an issue in your relationship, I'd assume that him meeting with other women is a way of acting out, and assume that it's possible that he's willing to get back together.

 

But try not to think about it for a while. Spend another couple of weeks just with yourself. Meet with friends, go for walks, take care of yourself. Think about what you need. What make you break up in the first place? Do you think these issues can be improved? To what extend? What are your needs in relationship and how far are you willing to compromise?

 

If you feel like you know what you want, I'd set a meeting with your ex, and ask him what he wants. Does he genuinely want to get back with you, start a new chapter and try harder this time?

 

Thank you. He said to come back in a month. Not sure why he set such a timeline but with him out dating, I'm not sure if there is hope for us. Why do guys feel the need to act out? Does it mean he is just trying to have fun since he is single? Does it mean there is no hope for us?

 

There was no infidelity or lying. We agreed to break up because we were just fighting too much and were not happy anymore.

[rosephase]

Thank you. He said to come back in a month. Not sure why he set such a timeline but with him out dating, I'm not sure if there is hope for us. Why do guys feel the need to act out? Does it mean he is just trying to have fun since he is single? Does it mean there is no hope for us?

 

There was no infidelity or lying. We agreed to break up because we were just fighting too much and were not happy anymore.

 

What has changed that will keep you from fighting in the future? He seems to be telling you that he isn't interested in getting back together until you have resolved the conflict you have.

 

What were your complaints about? What was still working about the relationship for you that you want to stay with someone that you have such a negative dynamic with?

[chloeheart]

What has changed that will keep you from fighting in the future? He seems to be telling you that he isn't interested in getting back together until you have resolved the conflict you have.

 

What were your complaints about? What was still working about the relationship for you that you want to stay with someone that you have such a negative dynamic with?

 

We had an amazing physical, emotional and intellectual connection. I never found this with anyone else and he said the same thing about me.

 

However, our issues were around him not thinking I am grateful for things in my life or what he does for me. We come from different backgrounds - I come from a very comfortable background where my parents gave me everything I wanted/needed whereas he came from a more humble background where he had to work his way through college to pay for his education etc. I felt he was being unfair and blaming me for things using that as an excuse. So through the years, a lot of resentment built up and we fought.

 

The thing that kept us going was the love we had for each other. So much passion and affection up until our break-up. But the fighting won out.

[rosephase]

We had an amazing physical, emotional and intellectual connection. I never found this with anyone else and he said the same thing about me.

 

However, our issues were around him not thinking I am grateful for things in my life or what he does for me. We come from different backgrounds - I come from a very comfortable background where my parents gave me everything I wanted/needed whereas he came from a more humble background where he had to work his way through college to pay for his education etc. I felt he was being unfair and blaming me for things using that as an excuse. So through the years, a lot of resentment built up and we fought.

 

The thing that kept us going was the love we had for each other. So much passion and affection up until our break-up. But the fighting won out.

 

So he thought you were over privileged? And blamed relationship conflict on that? And shut down when you rejected that narrative? Is that right?

What were the things he was blaming on you?

[chloeheart]

So he thought you were over privileged? And blamed relationship conflict on that? And shut down when you rejected that narrative? Is that right?

What were the things he was blaming on you?

 

He blamed that I was negative whenever I didn't get my way. But that is simply not true. Sometimes I would ask that we try a new restaurant or go on an adventure but he kept pushing back saying that restaurants in LA weren't worth the production etc. So I got upset because I felt we always did the same thing during the last 6 months of our relationship. He also blamed that I was sometimes aloof or distant but that was because when I focus on something i.e. work, I kind of tune everything else out but only for a few hours!

[Mini999]

hang in there i feel so hopeless....

 

Yesterday gng to work by walk ...I saw his car in frit of me ....driving and was raining I just hide under the umbrella and my heart started beat so fast ..... like in a movie. Wat a consiquenses..

Not sure he saw me but 4 a sec I smile and felt somehow ...good

[chloeheart]

So here I am again. He told me to come back in a month if I still love him and it's been a month since I last saw him. I don't know what to do? Should I reach out? Through mutual friends, I hear that he's been dating and he hasn't reached out to me at all. Please advise on what I should do? I feel so torn because I'm scared of a rejection if I reach out even if he told me. Shouldn't he have also reached out if he realized he missed me?

[mjae]

Don't be so easy to give him what he wants. Who cares if he's dating? Trust me, it won't last.

 

Let him wonder about you for a while. He will start to get nervous about why you haven't reached out to him. I don't suggest playing a game of "cat and mouse," but you should not be focused on him and what he's doing. Instead, worry about bettering and building yourself up. Then, he will start wonder about you, and seek you out. You'll be someone totally different. Be humble. Be content. Be happy. Once you reach these levels in your life, then he'll start poking around to find out why you've been so distant. Then, he'll be surprised. By then, you may not care anymore. By then, he may start to chase you. Be genuine and do this for yourself.

[chloeheart]

Don't be so easy to give him what he wants. Who cares if he's dating? Trust me, it won't last.

 

Let him wonder about you for a while. He will start to get nervous about why you haven't reached out to him. I don't suggest playing a game of "cat and mouse," but you should not be focused on him and what he's doing. Instead, worry about bettering and building yourself up. Then, he will start wonder about you, and seek you out. You'll be someone totally different. Be humble. Be content. Be happy. Once you reach these levels in your life, then he'll start poking around to find out why you've been so distant. Then, he'll be surprised. By then, you may not care anymore. By then, he may start to chase you. Be genuine and do this for yourself.

 

Thank you mjae. Would he think I am moving on if I don't reach out? After all, it was him that asked me to come back in a month. I'm so torn and scared. Scared of losing him forever but at the same time, I don't want to chase after someone who may not want to be with me. I just want to bury myself and cry. A little part of me thought he would reach out to me because I went hardcore NC for the past 4 weeks.

[chloeheart]

anyone else have any input? i feel so heartbroken

[TD1993]

I agree with mjae. From a guys perspective, if I was expecting you to come back in a month, I would for sure start freaking out and get very curious about you if you didn't reach out once that month is over.

 

I would recommend to hold out for another couple more weeks to see how he reacts, plus you want to make sure you are in a good headspace to be able to keep your emotions under control when you do see each other again for the first time.

[chloeheart]

I agree with mjae. From a guys perspective, if I was expecting you to come back in a month, I would for sure start freaking out and get very curious about you if you didn't reach out once that month is over.

 

I would recommend to hold out for another couple more weeks to see how he reacts, plus you want to make sure you are in a good headspace to be able to keep your emotions under control when you do see each other again for the first time.

 

How come he hasn't reached out at all? I guess I'm trying to figure out where I stand now.

[mjae]

Most likely, he is thinking about you. Right now his pride is high. Pride also = fear.

 

Nobody can know for sure as to why he hasn't reached out. Honestly, he's probably thinking the same thing. Eventually, one of you will crack. But if you keep chasing him, then he'll know that he has you. Live your life and stop thinking about these questions. Remember, you have control over what you're thinking. The second you starting thinking about him or what he's doing you need to teach yourself to stop and think in another direction. Otherwise, you'll be torturing yourself. Focus that energy on something positive.

 

"In the winter, everything dies. In the spring, everything grows. In the summer, everything is alive. In the fall, everything lets go. Nothing is permanent."

[chloeheart]

I agree with mjae. From a guys perspective, if I was expecting you to come back in a month, I would for sure start freaking out and get very curious about you if you didn't reach out once that month is over.

 

I would recommend to hold out for another couple more weeks to see how he reacts, plus you want to make sure you are in a good headspace to be able to keep your emotions under control when you do see each other again for the first time.

 

I will hold out but if he is dating girls at the moment, wouldn't that change things?

[TD1993]

It may or it may not. Hard to say. Nobody knows what is going on in his head except for him

[chloeheart]

So many thoughts and emotions are running through my head right now. I'm scared to lose him forever but I know nothing good can come out of me contacting him. Sometimes, I wonder if there was a reason why he told me to come back in a month. To clarify, I never initiated contact after the break-up. It was always him but he knows how much I still love him and want him back. What's even harder is that his parents always texts me with updates on their lives and the dog we rescued for them. My ex bf told me a month ago when we saw each other that his dad is heartbroken that we broke up

 

So my big question is...when do I contact him? Or do I not? Should I wait until he contacts me? Mjae is right when she said that he might be letting pride get in the way.

[mjae]

The answer is still the same as before... Do not initiate contact. It's possible that he is working through his issues at the moment. So, give him time to breathe to sort through his thoughts and emotions. Always being in the picture won't do any good besides push him away more.

 

Also, stop communicating with his parents. Chances are, you're iterating to his parents how much you miss him, which they will inform him of the conversation, or let him read through the conversation. This is the same as contacting him. Again, cut ALL contact with him, his parents, his family, and friends. Also, don't look at his social media. All you're doing is hurting yourself over and over again, which delays the healing process. How can he ever think or wonder about you if you're always in the picture?

 

Focus on yourself, your issues, and build yourself up. Become a better person. In the end, you'll start to realize how much you actually love yourself. I can observe through communication that you are an emotional wreck. If you come off as an emotional wreck to us, then he will certainly sense it if you text him or call him. You need to be emotionally stable and in a positive mind frame if he ever did reach out to you. At this point, you are not. If he contacted you right now, based on your emotions, then you'd blow your opportunity of a possible reconciliation.

 

Focus on the process and not the goal. If you focus on the goal, then you'll fumble and mess up. If you focus on the process of taking your time, being patient, and working through your issues, then chances are you'll take things slow to try and pull him back into your life. Work on your temperament. Be humble. And of all else, remain calm. Things will work out the way they are meant to be, and it's not when you're going to be emotionally unstable. It'll be when you're content, happy, and satisfied with yourself.

[chloeheart]

The answer is still the same as before... Do not initiate contact. It's possible that he is working through his issues at the moment. So, give him time to breathe to sort through his thoughts and emotions. Always being in the picture won't do any good besides push him away more.

 

Also, stop communicating with his parents. Chances are, you're iterating to his parents how much you miss him, which they will inform him of the conversation, or let him read through the conversation. This is the same as contacting him. Again, cut ALL contact with him, his parents, his family, and friends. Also, don't look at his social media. All you're doing is hurting yourself over and over again, which delays the healing process. How can he ever think or wonder about you if you're always in the picture?

 

Focus on yourself, your issues, and build yourself up. Become a better person. In the end, you'll start to realize how much you actually love yourself. I can observe through communication that you are an emotional wreck. If you come off as an emotional wreck to us, then he will certainly sense it if you text him or call him. You need to be emotionally stable and in a positive mind frame if he ever did reach out to you. At this point, you are not. If he contacted you right now, based on your emotions, then you'd blow your opportunity of a possible reconciliation.

 

Focus on the process and not the goal. If you focus on the goal, then you'll fumble and mess up. If you focus on the process of taking your time, being patient, and working through your issues, then chances are you'll take things slow to try and pull him back into your life. Work on your temperament. Be humble. And of all else, remain calm. Things will work out the way they are meant to be, and it's not when you're going to be emotionally unstable. It'll be when you're content, happy, and satisfied with yourself.

 

It was he who asked me to come back in a month after I figure things out. I haven't reached out to him at all. But since he did ask me to do so, I'm struggling with what to do but definitely leaning towards not reaching out.

 

As for his parents, they always initiate contact and I feel it's rude I don't reply. How do I stop? Ignore them? I keep it to small talk in response to their texts.

 

I'll listen to you and work through the process but yes, I'm feeling emotionally unstable because I do still love him and don't know what the right approach is.