Breakup heartbreak. Of coursse I am strategizing how to get him back...

[iwonttoday]

SO and I had been having some problems for a few weeks. Me asking for more time and attention and him feeling pressured.

 

Ultimately I pulled a pre-emptive strike and forced the breakup. He's definitely of the avoidant-attachment type so it was pretty textbook - he felt smothered, I leaned in to 'fix it', he pulled back even more so that I'd be the one to do it. There are tons of these stories on here.

 

There were more conversations over the following days. Me saying I wish he'd have told me how he was feeling so we could have addressed things together rather than throwing it all away. Him accepting responsibility for not talking sooner about his doubts. He still maintained a 'past tense' position on things but ultimately agreed to take 2 weeks and see where we're at then.

 

I'm going totally no contact for that two weeks. Completely dark. I'm leaning on friends and family for support with the blues. (And internet strangers!). I'll be taking great care of myself for these two weeks working out and eating well and all that. When we get close to the end of the 2 weeks I'll probably start really thinking about what to say.

 

I do feel like we could make it work. And I hope he changes his mind. It's not super likely. But hoping.

[fleur22]

Do you have a set date that you plan to contact each other in 2 weeks? Honestly, I would stay No Contact until he reaches out, whether its 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc. I'd let him make the first move. Meanwhile, keep doing what you're doing, going out and taking care of yourself, maybe posting pics having fun on social media...

[iwonttoday]

Do you have a set date that you plan to contact each other in 2 weeks? Honestly, I would stay No Contact until he reaches out, whether its 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc. I'd let him make the first move. Meanwhile, keep doing what you're doing, going out and taking care of yourself, maybe posting pics having fun on social media...

 

Yeah no I didn't have the presence of mind to set a firm date or even say who would contact who. I probably said I would. (you know how hard it is to remember the specifics of really emotional conversations sometimes?)

 

But yes, It makes the most sense to let him come to me...or...mostly likely, not.

[iwonttoday]

I know I know 'breaks' are just prolonged breakups. Still hoping though. Looking for success stories.

[katrina1980]

SO and I had been having some problems for a few weeks. Me asking for more time and attention and him feeling pressured.

 

Ultimately I pulled a pre-emptive strike and forced the breakup. He's definitely of the avoidant-attachment type so it was pretty textbook - he felt smothered, I leaned in to 'fix it', he pulled back even more so that I'd be the one to do it. There are tons of these stories on here.

 

 

IF you got back together (massive If), what would change?

 

You need more time and attention and HE does not, clearly.

 

Do you think that would somehow miraculously change if you got back together?

 

One thing I have learned over the years, you can't make or force a man to want to spend more time with you or give you more attention.

 

It's a futile waste of energy to even ask. He either wants to (all on his own), or not. It appears he does not.

 

And you either accept what he does have to give you or you don't. If you can't, you walk away.

 

You were right to end it. I wouldn't wait "two weeks" or any amount of time.

 

It's over, time to simply move on and find a guy who wants what you want.

 

Lesson learned for next time. NEVER complain to a man he doesn't spend enough time with you or give you enough attention.

 

"Avoidant" or not, that will send ANY man running in the other direction. Or he will for a little while because he felt pressured to do so, but then revert back to what HE wants to do. Tons of stories just like that on here (and other forums).

 

Sorry this didn't work out.

[iwonttoday]

IF you got back together (massive If), what would change?

 

You need more time and attention and HE does not, clearly.

 

Do you think that would somehow miraculously change if you got back together?

 

One thing I have learned over the years, you can't make or force a man to want to spend more time with you or give you more attention.

 

It's a futile waste of energy to even ask. He either wants to (all on his own), or not. It appears he does not.

 

And you either accept what he does have to give you or you don't. If you can't, you walk away.

 

You were right to end it. I wouldn't wait "two weeks" or any amount of time.

 

It's over, time to simply move on and find a guy who wants what you want.

 

Lesson learned for next time. NEVER complain to a man he doesn't spend enough time with you or give you enough attention.

 

"Avoidant" or not, that will send ANY man running in the other direction. Or he will for a little while because he felt pressured to do so, but then revert back to what HE wants to do. Tons of stories just like that on here (and other forums).

 

Sorry this didn't work out.

 

Agree with all this! Boy those first few days there's so much yo-yo ing and bargaining and just doing anything to ease the pain. The haze will take a while to lift but I rationally know all of this is true.

[iwonttoday]

Well, we ended up meeting this weekend. We both felt that it would be good to meet in person since the breakup had all occurred over phone calls and texts, also to exchange our things. We had brunch.

 

We talked about the way things went down. We apologized for the harsh or hurtful things we said to each other. There were lots of hugs. Then we talked about what had lead to this.

 

The last couple of weeks had become hard on both of us. Him feeling overwhelmed by the many events and trips we had planned, and some of the tension that had arisen from missed dates, lack of space. Me feeling neglected and then overcome by anxiety and becoming quite pushy. We both took responsibility for our ends. We both discovered some new details where we had both been wrong about the other's mentality or motives during this time period.

 

I told him that I would like to make it work. He said that he needs time to consider it. He says he's been immensely sad over the breakup and missed me all week. But that he also felt a sense of relief. He said that after our talk, and understanding each other's positions more...he needs to think about whether that relief is stemming from the weeks of tension being lifted or if the relief is that the relationship is over. He needs to distinguish between the two. He also acknowledged that prior to this ramping up of tension/disagreements he had been very happy in the relationship. (So basically 3 weeks ago he was happy as a lark)

 

I said I understood, and that yes he should take time to think. We sort of stumbled around trying to figure out where to go from here. We wondered if we should put a specific date to it... but felt like that would be a lot of pressure. I asked if we should go no contact and he said no - that he'd like to still communicate. Idk what kind of communication he means, but I'll be leaving it up to him to go first. The ball is in his court more or less.

 

I have done a lot of thinking about what I want, and how I will express my needs to him if we do reconcile. We'll both have to make some changes obviously. I'm not just saying if he says yes to trying again we just go back to the status quo.

 

When we parted, we hugged and said I love you to each other.

 

I'm just in hell waiting now.

 

I do feel like the whole conversation makes the chances look okay. Idk. Thoughts?

[SadSadgirl]

I’m in the same situation. He’s stressed because of school and I wanted more attention too. I’m doing no contact aswell and waiting a month to talk to him. I wish you the best of luck!