Struggling today

[Pretzel]

It's been almost 4 weeks. But I can't get over the fact that he said (during the first week when we were still talking): "I miss you. I don't want to be together because I can't see a good future, not because I don't love you."

 

It was in response to me asking why it was so tough for him, when it was his decision.

 

I just don't understand how you can walk away from someone you love like that instead of try.

[Batya33]

Because love is essential but not enough for a long term relationship and he seems to be looking for a relationship with a good future. He may believe that he tried his best (even if he didn't share how he was trying -I've been in that situation, too). It can be heartbreaking to end a relationship because you really wish it could work but you realize that with all the good stuff the incompatible/not so good stuff outweighs it and you have to be true to yourself. I had to finally end a relationship like that. And it definitely was for the best, for both of us and I wish I had ended it sooner instead of doing the back and forth thing.

[Pretzel]

He may believe that he tried his best (even if he didn't share how he was trying.

 

This is the aspect I struggle with the most. He didn't ever talk to me about what we can do together to make it work, it feels as if he just had an internal conversation with himself inside his head.

 

We didn't get off to the best start - i was still living at home and often having family conflicts that i brought too often to the relationship, i was also just fresh out of an abusive relationship so it took a while for me to adjust to a normal one in which i can trust another fully without paranoia. These things were all starting to get better, but i just had insecurities i was trying to shake off in the last few weeks from a near-break-up we had in June and he never acknowledged that this may cause me to feel insecure for a while until i feel more settled in the relationship.

 

I wish i could just explain this to him and for him to give us another chance. It pains me that we have to go through this. My love was unconditional and i could see myself with him for the rest of my life, in my opinion we were more compatible than not, so i am still finding it hard to digest this. I just needed his time and patience, and i'm not able to understand/accept that he wasn't able to give me this anymore.

[1994]

Because love is essential but not enough for a long term relationship and he seems to be looking for a relationship with a good future. He may believe that he tried his best (even if he didn't share how he was trying -I've been in that situation, too). It can be heartbreaking to end a relationship because you really wish it could work but you realize that with all the good stuff the incompatible/not so good stuff outweighs it and you have to be true to yourself. I had to finally end a relationship like that. And it definitely was for the best, for both of us and I wish I had ended it sooner instead of doing the back and forth thing.

 

Everything you just said is completely true. I recently broke up with my now ex-girlfriend, not because I didn't love her (I still do to this day, even though she doesn't believe me), but because the relationship was being a bit toxic for me and I saw no other way to fix it than to leave it. I asked my mom about my situation and she said one thing that really stayed with me and that was the she will always love my father, not just because of the memories but for being a great man and a love of her life, but that she felt she couldn't stay in the relationship anymore because it wasn't what it once was after 20 years. Now they are divorced, and although they've both struggled a lot throughout these years since then, I believe they both are happier now.

 

To put it shortly, love isn't everything in a relationship. It has to work on so many other levels. There has to be friendship, mutual interest in one another, a healthy sex life, respect, understanding and feeling of purpose. To base a relationship on love and only love is to build a house with nothing but planks. Sure they can all lean on eachother and look stable, but it will probably fall apart in time without screws or glue or tape or concrete and stuff to help them stick together.

[Batya33]

He is entitled to base it on an "internal conversation" - because he may have decided that it wasn't something that could be worked on or changed or may have not wanted to ask you to change. I'm glad you see the "it takes two" part of this. Loving unconditionally - or even just plain ole loving -would mean -in an action way -that your actions would have been consistent with not subjecting him to your not trusting him, to family conflicts to the extent you say you did, and it's not his job to help you get over insecurities that impeded you from being present in the relationship. Obviously partners support each other but the extent to which you say you needed support was likely beyond what he was able to or wanted to give especially since you claimed to want to give unconditional love to him. Loving is a feeling but mainly in a relationship it's about giving.

 

I'm really sorry you went through an abusive relationship of course and have family issues.

 

Also he may have tried to talk to you or show you his concerns and you may not have been actively listening (or you may have been so mired down in sharing your own insecurities, issues etc that he couldn't find an appropriate time to bring it up) -is that possible?

[1994]

About the fact that he didn't share with you how he was trying can be based of a feeling that he couldn't or felt like he wasn't listened to. As in my previous relationship that I mentioned in my previous post, I felt like I couldn't share with her how I struggled to make it work because she suffered from depression and anxiety. And I felt like I couldn't tell her how the burden became to heavy for me to carry, because I didn't want to be the reason for her anxiety any more than she already made me. I did however bring it up several times, but was never met with any understanding or empathy, more often just with guilt since she felt like I was blaming her for her anxiety or she would tell me I didn't care or love her enough. So I couldn't talk to her about my struggle and all my efforts, and when I did it gave me nothing but feelings of worthlessness. So I ended it.

[Pretzel]

I get this perspective sort of. But the reason i feel so frustrated is because it wasn't just love and dysfunction -on a practical we made a great team as well, and i supported him just as much as he did me (actually maybe more, he has mental health- bipolar). We had strengths in different areas and complemented each other well. The reason we fought a bit in the last two months was due to him needing a lot more time alone than me and i became insecure that he was going to break up with me, ironically.

 

i wish he would have talked to me first before giving up after 11 months without voicing his concerns or what he feels is wrong or what can be worked on. I still can't believe he just gave up like that. I just feel this intense pang of confusion and betrayal every day and it is killing me. I wish i could get past this but i feel stuck.

[1994]

Maybe you should talk to someone about it. Breakups are hard, but they are even harder when you feel as if they came out of nowhere and you get stuck in a feeling of regret or remorse or just plain confusion. But what you have to understand is that he must have had his reasons and whether you know what they are or not, they still were there and they mattered enough to him to make his decision. What you also have to try to understand is that if this really was true love and you were as good of a team as you imply, then the decision couldn't have been easy for him and that he as well is in an emotional turmoil right now (which he says he is). Either that or he never really cared for you the same way that you did him, which means it probably was for the best for both of you that it ended.

 

Either way, don't assume that he just gave up. That's not fair to him. Especially when he says that he as well is going through a rough time dealing with this break up and that he still loves you. The reasons must have been there and totally clear to him and for you to just say that it's all his fault and that he gave up might be easy, but not necessarily how he sees it or actually how it was. Maybe there is another side to this story which neither you or we know, maybe he just wasn't ready for a longer more serious relationship. Either way, you should go talk to someone if you can't get past him.

[Batya33]

I get this perspective sort of. But the reason i feel so frustrated is because it wasn't just love and dysfunction -on a practical we made a great team as well, and i supported him just as much as he did me (actually maybe more, he has mental health- bipolar). We had strengths in different areas and complemented each other well. The reason we fought a bit in the last two months was due to him needing a lot more time alone than me and i became insecure that he was going to break up with me, ironically.

 

i wish he would have talked to me first before giving up after 11 months without voicing his concerns or what he feels is wrong or what can be worked on. I still can't believe he just gave up like that. I just feel this intense pang of confusion and betrayal every day and it is killing me. I wish i could get past this but i feel stuck.

 

I would stop assuming that he just "gave up" just because he didn't go about it in the way you would have or the way you wanted him to. Relationships are hard enough and from vicarious experience I know that mental illness makes it so much harder/more challenging. And you weren't in a very stable place either.

 

I'm sorry it's so hard and you might want to consider talking with someone.

[Pretzel]

Thank you for your response. He was in turmoil right after the decision and this was pretty evident too by how much he was drinking in the first week, he was out every night and hungover every time I called - plus when we were doing the exchange of our belongings i could see that his eyes were no less puffy than mine and he fell asleep on my bed for a while, because he was so wrecked. I wanted to show him so much that we can work. But he wasn't even interested in hearing an explanation - he just didn't trust me that any explanation was worth considering. I started NC after I realised our exchanges were getting nowhere and he was blocking me out (until a couple of days ago when he put out an olive branch to talk in future if i wanted, but i didn't respond).

 

But today all i feel is despair that I waited years for a love like this and now because of some stupid arguments that could have easily been worked out, he's given up. I'm not saying it's his fault, if anything I feel like I'm the one to blame for starting these arguments due to my insecurities, but I asked him to give me some time to work on them and he didn't. That is something I do not understand.

 

I am starting therapy very soon.

[Batya33]

He might not see them as stupid arguments that could have easily been worked out. And you don't know if to him it was cumulative.

 

I've been heartbroken about breakups I initiated. And it did not mean I thought it was a good idea to reconcile.

[Radiate21]

This thread is heartbreaking for me, because I too just lost a relationship that had so much love.

 

It really is not enough as horrible as that is.

 

Sometimes there are incompatibilities between two people that just can't be reconciled without creating resentment/one person needing to change more than they are willing.

 

My ex and I were 90% perfect for one another and 10% incompatible, and unfortunately that was enough. I still cry over him every day but know that when the right person comes along, things won't be as hard as they were with him.

[1994]

He might not see them as stupid arguments that could have easily been worked out. And you don't know if to him it was cumulative.

 

I've been heartbroken about breakups I initiated. And it did not mean I thought it was a good idea to reconcile.

 

I agree 100%. What you have to put your effort and thought into, Pretzel, is not to understand why he broke up or try to get him back, but to understand that everyone perceives things differently or want different things. You might not be able to understand how a criminal can do an act of crime no more than you can understand a loved one wanting to cut the ties. Because you see things differently and maybe that's where the problem lies. And that thief stealing someones bike might actually just be someone mistaking his bike for someone else' or just stealing it back from someone who stole it from him. You never know unless you ONLY see the actions, not the intentions. He maybe never meant to break your heart or to "give up", as you see it, but instead to focus on his health alone. Or he realized he wasn't ready for something more serious. Maybe the arguments you had meant the world to him and he felt like you had different views on stuff that mattered to him. Either way, he seems to be having a tough time, just like you, so take his word for it if you really care for him. And don't question why he gave up, but ask yourself how to move on.

[Makeit]

Figured Id comment on your post as well after reading it. First off i know from experience that having trust issues like you have dont just naturally form. They are a bi product of being in a bad relationship/experience. So dont beat urself up for that. You have recognized it and are working on it. I agree with you going NC as I am doing the same. I am not sure if you are in the same boat as me but I am struggling with the question to myself that I am doing NC to heal and move on or in hopes they come back. I know deep down that it is best that I move on but id be lying if I didnt want her to come to some revelation. What sucks is Ive been thru this before and altho I know what I should and shouldnt do. Im still fighting with wanting to do the shouldnts.