How literally to take NC

[Pretzel]

After my ex and I recently broke up, I had a brief spell (2-3 days) of making all the mistakes, calling and asking to meet, crying, texting him pleading for us to meet up one last time so I can try to understand/process what's happening. I was in shock and disbelief. He didn't respond to my calls after telling me firmly that he can't help me.

 

But i felt that was good for me - it made me realise how truly over it is. It has sent me into a pit of deep depression but it reinforced the fact that we aren't together anymore.

I then sent him a short message when I made the firm decision to go NC, saying 'I get it, sorry for bombarding you these these messages, I just haven't been rational. I love you, I can't talk to you anymore again or for a very long time'.

 

He has now responded a week later, just saying 'I'm here if you want to talk in future, I'm sorry for not responding before but it wasn't to be cruel'.

 

I haven't responded at all. I instinctively wanted to write back to say 'I know and thank you', but then I went against my instinct and said nothing for now as I don't want to break NC and come across as weak, but I also don't want to come across rude, or as if I am sulking and for him to think there's any animosity.

 

Thoughts?

[Starlight925]

His response wasn't to open a door. In my opinion, his response was more to make him not look like the bad guy. He didn't say he wants to talk, or hears how you feel, or even cares how you feel. All he said was that he wasn't trying to be cruel. He may have shared your texts with a friend, and someone may have said it's cruel for him not to respond. So he's trying to look like this good guy who texts you back.

 

Don't respond.

 

Look, I'm in a similar situation, having broken up about a month ago, and NC is so hard. And I haven't been good about it. But, I agree with you, that the contact we've had has cemented my decision even further.

 

Yesterday, I went through my entire Facebook for the 1.5 years and untagged myself from everything he posted. Mine is a huge Facebook user and "checks in" everywhere. Literally.....everywhere. I also took a thumb drive and saved every photo to that drive before deleting them from my page. I went back through my page to make sure every instance of him is completely gone.

 

I know you're hurting. I am too. I've been following some people that have been helping me: Trent Shelton, Derrick Jaxn. If you haven't found these guys, look them up. They do a lot of videos that they post on Facebook, and you will be amazed at how much rings true. I watch their videos and cry. But each time, it confirms my resolve to stay NC, as I realize how much I put up with. I think you will too.

[pippy longstocking]

No just leave it ..or you will be in this * who will reply last* scenario ....you said what you had to say now walk away from it .

[MissCanuck]

How you respond won't make a lot of difference to him, because he's not thinking about you in that way. Yes, he might think, "Jeez, she doesn't let up" if you continue messaging him - but looking weak or as though you're sulking? He's not putting that much thought into it. His only goal was to end this and make sure you understand it's over, too.

 

So, as LHGirl says, his response was not intended to continue the conversation. He probably felt guilty for saying nothing for several days, so he decided to close the door by sending you something.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, girl. I know it sucks. No Contact is for you, not meant to improve or change his perception of you.

[Pretzel]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was just going to say a thanks/aknowledgement to seem polite but if you think he won't find my lack of response rude then I'll just leave it.... it's just sad to think that he might think theres animosity between us when there was once so much love.

[Starlight925]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was just going to say a thanks/aknowledgement to seem polite but if you think he won't find my lack of response rude then I'll just leave it.... it's just sad to think that he might think theres animosity between us when there was once so much love.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I just don't think he'll care one way or the other. I don't think he'll think it's rude if you don't reply, and I don't think he'll be happy if you do.

 

I just see him as being indifferent, and that, unfortunately, is the opposite of love.

 

I am not trying to be harsh with you. I am going through this exact same thing myself right now! The indifference is the hardest thing to take.

 

Hang in there Pretz, you can do this.

[MissCanuck]

LHGirl is right - he seems indifferent. I am sure he hopes that you are okay, but he's not fretting over hearing from you or not, I'm afraid.

 

Your response - or lack thereof - won't affect him very much. As for him thinking there's animosity, again, I don't think he's worried about that. Those are your feelings, not necessarily his. He isn't perceiving this the same way you are, simply because he was the one who ended it and then went silent for several days. He knows that having real space between you two is the right thing to do, because he no longer wants a relationship and doesn't want to lead you on.

 

Don't worry about whether it seems rude not to reply. He isn't sweating that, and neither should you. Stay out of contact for your own well-being.

[Batya33]

Many years ago (2003!) a man I was really into broke up with me about 5 days before we were supposed to go on a vacation to celebrate my bday. I decided on NC right then (although I didn't have the neat acronym but anyway). I then booked plane tickets to go to the opposite coast to celebrate my bday with one of my best friends. A few days later I get gorgeous flowers and a card from my ex that basically says that he's sorry about all that happened and there was something he wrote (honestly cannot remember) that seemed like an open door, like he was unsure about his decision to end things. I immediately called my friend who I was going to visit and was gushing and excited about this "open door". I thank her even now for setting me straight.

 

She said nicely and gently that she didn't think it meant anything about his wanting to get back together or regretting his mistake. About 6 months later he met his future wife (on an online site) and understand that he was 40, never been in a real LTR before, a self-described player attempting to change his ways. He did, just not with me. Well, sort of -he did send me a number of inappropriate emails over the next few years including right before he got engaged and and after he got married. To which I did not respond with any sort of encouragement. Still -he is married, I am in touch with his brother (which is how I'd met him) and I never ask about him in any personal way and I like it that way -a neat break, who cares how he's doing in his marriage, etc.

 

Anyway, stay away and do not respond. From all I read about your relationship, on balance it was never really right so now it's all onward and upward!

[Starlight925]

Many years ago (2003!) a man I was really into broke up with me about 5 days before we were supposed to go on a vacation to celebrate my bday. I decided on NC right then (although I didn't have the neat acronym but anyway). I then booked plane tickets to go to the opposite coast to celebrate my bday with one of my best friends. A few days later I get gorgeous flowers and a card from my ex that basically says that he's sorry about all that happened and there was something he wrote (honestly cannot remember) that seemed like an open door, like he was unsure about his decision to end things. I immediately called my friend who I was going to visit and was gushing and excited about this "open door". I thank her even now for setting me straight.

 

She said nicely and gently that she didn't think it meant anything about his wanting to get back together or regretting his mistake. About 6 months later he met his future wife (on an online site) and understand that he was 40, never been in a real LTR before, a self-described player attempting to change his ways. He did, just not with me. Well, sort of -he did send me a number of inappropriate emails over the next few years including right before he got engaged and and after he got married. To which I did not respond with any sort of encouragement. Still -he is married, I am in touch with his brother (which is how I'd met him) and I never ask about him in any personal way and I like it that way -a neat break, who cares how he's doing in his marriage, etc.

 

Anyway, stay away and do not respond. From all I read about your relationship, on balance it was never really right so now it's all onward and upward!

 

OMG, I had almost the exact same thing! My "soulmate" (obviously not, but that's what I thought!) broke up with me right before a trip I had won with my company to Paris! I quickly called a friend who rushed to get a passport, and off we went. A few months later, he sent me a box of Godiva chocolates for my birthday, with the same kind of vague message. I did end up seeing him, and regrettably, I slept with him, and he never called me afterwards. Except about a year later, when he met "the love of his life", with whom he is now married and has a child.

 

Sometimes, we just have to stay away and try not to read through the lines of these ambiguous messages.

[Batya33]

OMG, I had almost the exact same thing! My "soulmate" (obviously not, but that's what I thought!) broke up with me right before a trip I had won with my company to Paris! I quickly called a friend who rushed to get a passport, and off we went. A few months later, he sent me a box of Godiva chocolates for my birthday, with the same kind of vague message. I did end up seeing him, and regrettably, I slept with him, and he never called me afterwards. Except about a year later, when he met "the love of his life", with whom he is now married and has a child.

 

Sometimes, we just have to stay away and try not to read through the lines of these ambiguous messages.

 

Oooh I'll bite. I did see him twice about a month later - and we hooked up some but no sex -and I realized how foolish I was (but I was ok and didn't totally regress). He did contact me afterwards and I told him I wasn't up for meeting up/hooking up. When I ran into him about 6 months later he told me he was seeing someone (his future wife, turned out).

[1994]

I don't know why everyone is so convinced that he feels indifferent. To me it sounds like he possibly could be feeling awful over the breakup and has realized that NC is the best decision for him as well. I recently broke up with my (now) ex-girlfriend over issues that had nothing to do with her, more over how things became between us, and she has been trying to get me back and sending me texts about how she would do anything for me while I never cared for her or that I was her everything and she was nothing to me. Things I never said. And these texts, all this knowing how my decision hurt her deeply, affects my day to day well being. I want to be there for her, because she was my all and I DID love her, but I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore and therefor I can't reply to her texts. It makes me feel awful not to answer, but to answer them would make me feel worse. It would make me question everything and I would rip up every scar I've been trying to heal over our relationship and how it ended.

 

So I don't believe he's indifferent. He might not feel as awful as you do, but he might be having a hard time as well. So leave it at NC. Don't answer. You are always two in a breakup and just because one is the one who makes the decision doesn't mean they are happy about it or will be able to deal with it any better than you do.

[TiredOfDating]

even if he was indifferent, it's better than continuing to reach out and mess with your mind, fully knowing that he's using you as a back up or an ego stroke.

 

Don't answer him. leave it be. like others said, don't get locked into the "who's going to be the last to respond" cycle.

[Pretzel]

I impulsively replied last night just saying 'I appreciate it, thank you'. That's it. I don't feel any differently about it, but at least feel better that I was polite and let him know that, although i won't be using his invitation to 'talk' in the future, it was gracious of him to say it and show he is human.

 

Other than that, still limping along, trying to get over this, staying NC and planning my life, thinking about new personal goals over the next few years and what i want to achieve. The ache is there, but i'm trying my best.

[ThatwasThen]

but then I went against my instinct

Keep doing that. ^^^

 

... Unless your instinct is to keep no contact... then heed that instinct.

[Jibralta]

I impulsively replied last night just saying 'I appreciate it, thank you'.

 

D'oh!

 

Oh well. No taking it back now. Hope you feel better soon.