Relationship Advice

[ManiacalMonty]

My boyfriends mum has mental health problems, depression and anxiety, but I personally think she is also manipulative and emotionally blackmailing.

 

My boyfriend (28 years old) and I have only been going out for a year, in that time we have had only one day out together because his mum doesn't let us spend time together expect Wednesday nights. Wednesday is literally the only time we have together after work, 4 hours of alone time before he has to go home as he isn't allowed to stay round mine.

 

I do see him Tuesday evening and can stay round Friday and Saturday night, however we have to sit down stairs with her all those nights until she wants to go to bed otherwise she sulks. Saturday we always have to take her shopping, and Sunday I have to leave the house before 10 because it is "her day".

 

My boyfriend literally has no time for himself never mind time for us, he isn't allowed to do anything he wants. His dad died 14 years ago and he has been picking up the pieces, his siblings do nothing to help and refuse as he put himself in the situation.

 

I completely understand that she has problems, but I'm starting to get fed up of not being able to go into the kitchen to talk to him without her following us. I'm not allowed to kiss him or hug him because she doesn't like it. We can't take photos together without her sulking. We weren't even allowed to spend our 1 year together as it was Sunday and "her day".

 

I literally feel second best all the time, that I'm not important, because if I ever ask to do anything he says no because of his mum but if she wants something he does it. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother asking to do things anymore as I know it won't happen.

 

He wants things to change but doesn't know how to deal with it as she also threatens to commit suicide if he tries to do anything differently. If any of his siblings say to the mum they are going out she is completely fine with it but if he wants to she screams and cries and wants to kill herself.

 

I want to help him to help us, but I'm so stressed from it all I've lost the will and expect the life we want to never happen.

 

Has anyone dealt with anything similar???

[melancholy123]

He really needs to move out on his own. If mother is that unbalanced she needs some help and if she cant live alone she needs an assisted living place. At 28 your bf should be on his own, not guilt tripped into living in her house and having her in the middle of everything he does. If he won't move out then you will have to decide if you can put up with this until she dies or you move on. You cant fix this.

[jujusamples]

I agree with the above, your your boyfriend needs to move out and have some space away his mother. My mom is the same way to my brother and my bro just decided to get married and move away no matter what my mom said. The first few years of their marriage was pretty crazy as she is always threatening to kill herself if my bro doesn't listen to her.

 

My brother just ignores her and he's at the point where he yells back at her. You boyfriend needs to move out and not enable his mom's behavior anymore. She's never going to change her ways. Your boyfriend would have to change his way. If he doesn't want to to do it, you have a decision to make. Is this the kind of relationship you would want for the long haul? As in, if you guys were to marry, would you be okay with this?

[catfeeder]

I'd consider BF's choices to be about him, not her. Either he's willing to do what it takes to liberate himself, or he's not, and my choice in the matter would be to regard him with respect and put up with this, or not. If not, then I'd kindly tell him that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future--and that's why I need to walk away to preserve that potential while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever opts to take the necessary steps to become autonomous, then he can contact me to let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

It would make no sense for me to position BF's mother as my adversary and try to manipulate BF into living as I wish. The very act alone of attempting to 'get' BF to change would diminish him in my own eyes, so I'd no longer be able to regard him as my equal--in which case, I'd lose all desire to stay with him. I'd rather circumvent such a turn and credit him instead with the ability to grow his way out of this in his own time and his own way. If he succeeds, then great--we'd have potential, but if not, then I'd have spared myself a tug of war where everyone loses.