i ed up

[brokenjohn]

I'm going to give you the full story. Referring to my girlfriend as G

 

So it all started 8 and half mouths ago when we started talking and being together and stuff. Now G wanted to wait 2 mouths before having sex with me and while i was with her for those two months they were the best two months i have ever had with someone. I felt really connected to her we were really happy and loving. After the first two mouths she said she wanted to have sex the next day. That night i went out with a few of my friends and i ended up cheating on her i was very drunk and i regret it. I told her instantly the next day that i did because i felt terrible and that i couldnt lie to her. We broke up for about two weeks and then she started texting me and i still felt really bad about it and hated my self but i wanted to make things right with her. We ended up getting back together and eventually she gained my trust back and i fell in love with this girl. I loved everything about her honestly i could go on for hours telling you guys about her but thats besides the points right now. Now me being insanely happy with G i couldn't picture my self ever hurting her again and i was so happy to be with her again i thought nothing could break us up. flash forward a couple months were now 7 ish 8 months into the relationship and i went back out with friends and this girl came along. this girl had no respect for relationships and just went for guys that had girlfriends and she tried to get with me but i pushed her off told her no and that i couldn't do it and went home. then a week later i was at his house again and she was there and me thinking i made my self clear she tried it again and I some how cheated on her again. I dont know how i could do this. Like honestly i dont. i dont have anything running through my head when i think why or how its literally blank. this time i didn't have sex with this other girl but i just fell asleep with her cuddling her. i didnt end up telling my girlfriend but she found because that girl told her friend she told G and i was scared that i was going to lose her so this time i lied about it. I dont know how i could cheat on her again i literally fell in love with her. She asks my why i did it and my mind just goes blank i cant tell her why and it just kills me i fell so sick to my stomach everytime i think about it. Like is there or could be something wrong with my head? like what could of gone through my mind when doing that i honestly ing hate myself. Now were back together once again and ive been trying my hardest and giving her 120% effort in showing her that i ed up and i really do love her. lately shes been really upset about it and everytime we go into public she thinks im looking at girls when im not she always thinks im lying to her. and today i drove her home and she was all happy before but she got upset at something and she when shes upset she always says dont talk to me or she just shuts her eyes cause things annoy her easily and i was trying to talk to her but she wouldnt talk to me and i dropped her off after i did i texted her im sorry if i pissed you off and she said dont worry about it and since i do worry about it and care about her and not want her to be in an upset mood i tried talking to her about it and it was about me and cheating so i tried to talk to her and she said she couldn't do this and i tried telling her that it hurts me too and that i just want to make everything better and be all about her and love her and show her that i care about her and she went off and blocked me on everything

 

I honestly don't know how io could of done that to her. I honestly love her so much she is the love of my life and im so happy with her. Now shes not even a part of my life anymore. this happened today.

Before you say it. Yes i'm trash and a ty person, no i don't deserve her but she deserves happiness and i want to give her that because we both love each other.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out i love her so much and im losing/lost her. i dont know what the is wrong with me

do i even deserve to be on this earth like what the is wrong with me. how could i do this.

 

im sorry for the ty grammar im just really upset. I wrote half of this yesterday because i thought she would be better but then this happened today and ijust dont know what to do anymore.

 

G is working right now.

[rosephase]

You aren't ready for a committed monogamous relationship. You aren't a sh*tty person. You are just a person who doesn't know themselves very well. Falling in love doesn't mean you are ready, willing and able to be in a committed relationship. Love is one of the least important parts of making a relationship work. Commitment, communication, collaboration and respect (for her, yourself and the relationship) are all more important than love when it comes to relationships.

 

You don't know why you cheated. It wasn't out of some deep desire for the other person. It wasn't out of love. It wasn't out of sexual need. You talk about it like it just happened to you. You don't know yourself well enough be committed. That's okay. It cost you this relationship. It's probably time to start figuring yourself out.

[brokenjohn]

I don't know how i can figure myself out though. All i want is to be with her. I feel like i can be different for her. i don't know anymore

[rosephase]

The only option you have is to figure yourself out. Otherwise you'll keep doing this to people you love and have no idea why you did it. You -feel- like you can be different. But clearly you can't. Not yet. This isn't something that changes overnight. You need to do some deep introspection. And unfortunately the answer might simply be that you aren't ready for this level of commitment.