I'm officially irritated with myself

[Sunflower93]

If you seen my last post then you know I've been dealing with this break up for 4 months now and though my POS ex barely told me he was "moving on" this past weekend. I'm not an idiot though and I knew we were done when we were done but he was stringing me along so I unfortunately prolonged the healing for myself that much longer. Everyone I knew told me not to contact him anymore but I just wouldn't freaking listen. But I know myself, and everything happened that way for a reason, I'm very stubborn when it comes to giving up on people and I almost always have to learn the hard way.

 

I finally rationalized why it hurt so much that he said he was moving on when he already was putting in so little effort I'm embarrassed to even admit. I guess in June he crushed my heart then this weekend he crushed my hope, so to speak, so now I finally accepted there's nothing left ever, not even being friends. Which is honestly for the better bc he was pretty emotionally and somewhat physically abusive.

 

When I tried seeing a counselor they told me my attachment is somewhat akin to stolkholm syndrome because I grew an attachment to someone that is hurting me. I'm just honestly so irritated with this whole process it is way too draining. I'm finally to the point where if I feel myself replaying every possible scenario that could have been different or every single memory or every single way he's moving on I practically scream at myself in my head to stop. I can't do it anymore, it hurts too much and I HATE the fact that I know 100% he's not doing any of this. He is not heartbroken in this slightest and I try to tell myself "it doesn't matter that he promised he loved you or you meant the world to him who cares?? Look what he did! Those were just words!" But there has been dissonance between my heart and my brain for months so it's easier said than done to just not care.

 

But dear God do I want to not care. So you know that horrible sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you feel guilty? I get that every time I have to drive near where he lives or if I go anywhere that reminds me of him or if I see something residual of his (like apparently his stupid freaking email was still attached to my google account!). I know I'm so much farther along in my grieving cuz at first I really thought I wasn't gonna make it. Even a few days ago I thought that when he hit me with his last bullet, but I thought it over and I read everyone else's posts so I'm gonna be ok. I hate the sinking feeling in my stomach though, that's what I'm most irritated by. Like when is that gonna go away??!! I'm tired and I'm exhausted and I literally couldn't cry if I wanted to I have nothing left to give. I can't even think about dating either, I need at least the rest of the year to just have time to myself and lose the weight I gained from all this stress.

 

Final thoughts, I am finally able to enjoy life a little and be happy but if I think about him in the midst of whatever activity I'm doing I get that awful feeling in my stomach again. Idk if anyone has ever experienced the death of a loved one, but the same thing happens to me when someone I love has died. Does anyone know when that freaking stops and when you just don't care anymore?

[StrangrThanger]

Aside the obvious that 'with time it'll heal,' it's not going to happen anytime soon. All I know is, doing certain things like thinking about them (while natural) will set you back a few days). It's why NC is so important, to minimize those regressions.

 

In a similar regard, what makes it easier little by little is to regain and improve yourself. You're also going to have moments where all the flirting at the bar while fun will seem not fun. Just like stalking their profile might be satisfying until it's not.

 

But at least with working out for example, you're going to build something you can be proud of where as one wasted thinking about them is time you'll never get back.

 

I'm in a similar position so this was mostly advice for myself but I hope it helps you too.

[mynameisneo]

 

Final thoughts, I am finally able to enjoy life a little and be happy but if I think about him in the midst of whatever activity I'm doing I get that awful feeling in my stomach again. Idk if anyone has ever experienced the death of a loved one, but the same thing happens to me when someone I love has died. Does anyone know when that freaking stops and when you just don't care anymore?

 

Obviously cut off all contact right now. Including social media stalking. You're at ground zero because you haven't allowed yourself to heal, you've just made it worse. Don't beat yourself up about it, everyone else makes this mistake. I did, for 4 weeks, and it prolonged my healing.

 

As far as your question goes - this depends on so many variables. Relationship-related: how long your relationship was, how intense it was, was it mostly good/bad, were you the dumper or dumpee, among other things. What speeds it up is sticking to the blueprint (strict No Contact, self-care and self-love, exercise of some form, no alcohol/drugs aside from prescribed medicine if you need it, fake it until you make it attitude-wise, no rebounds/dating until you feel good enough about yourself and see the reasons of the breakup logically instead of emotionally).

 

Those are just the basics. Here's the part that won't feel good to hear: it's gonna get worse for a while, even if you do these things. The grief cycle isn't linear, and while strict No Contact is incredible for recovery, it has the unfortunate side effect of setting in a horrible reality that you may likely never speak to this person again. While that's actually good from a recovery perspective, about 2-3 weeks in, it really messes you up. It happened to me and several people I know that went/are going through healing from a breakup. That will be your true rock bottom.

 

Here's the good part. If you follow the blue print, you will heal much faster than otherwise. It's been proven to work since time eternal by millions of people. My benchmark for not caring is literally just setting in, 9.5 weeks after my breakup, 43 days into strict No Contact. I'm now dating, am happy, and have just jolts of missing my ex from time to time, but they get better and easier to handle every day.

 

As a general benchmark, my therapist tells me that regardless of the intensity/length/circumstances of the relationship, most people get to a normal, functioning state in 6 months or so. This is for longer relationships, and divorce. I don't know what data she has, and I'm not a therapist, so not sure how accurate the number is. But she's great and she's been at this for a while.

 

You know what to do. We're here with you on your road to healing, best of luck!!

[Sunflower93]

Aside the obvious that 'with time it'll heal,' it's not going to happen anytime soon. All I know is, doing certain things like thinking about them (while natural) will set you back a few days). It's why NC is so important, to minimize those regressions.

 

In a similar regard, what makes it easier little by little is to regain and improve yourself. You're also going to have moments where all the flirting at the bar while fun will seem not fun. Just like stalking their profile might be satisfying until it's not.

 

But at least with working out for example, you're going to build something you can be proud of where as one wasted thinking about them is time you'll never get back.

 

I'm in a similar position so this was mostly advice for myself but I hope it helps you too.

 

Thank you!! You all have no idea how much this forum has improved my ability to heal. I just go straight to here instead of stalk him on fb or try and snap chat him and it's making my life so much easier. I'm really trying to let go I got rid of everything and anything that reminded me of him and it was a lot of stuff bc we lived together. And going to the gym literally makes me so much happier I can't even explain. I still am trying to combat the loneliness and everyone says "you were you before him so you'll be you after him" but I was getting lonely when I met him, that's why I accepted him. I feel like I'm letting go so all this is my heart trying to fight it by bombarding me with all these emotions. Hopefully it'll all reach that place of indifference and I can just be me again. You're advice really did help tho so thank you 😊

[Sunflower93]

Obviously cut off all contact right now. Including social media stalking. You're at ground zero because you haven't allowed yourself to heal, you've just made it worse. Don't beat yourself up about it, everyone else makes this mistake. I did, for 4 weeks, and it prolonged my healing.

 

As far as your question goes - this depends on so many variables. Relationship-related: how long your relationship was, how intense it was, was it mostly good/bad, were you the dumper or dumpee, among other things. What speeds it up is sticking to the blueprint (strict No Contact, self-care and self-love, exercise of some form, no alcohol/drugs aside from prescribed medicine if you need it, fake it until you make it attitude-wise, no rebounds/dating until you feel good enough about yourself and see the reasons of the breakup logically instead of emotionally).

 

Those are just the basics. Here's the part that won't feel good to hear: it's gonna get worse for a while, even if you do these things. The grief cycle isn't linear, and while strict No Contact is incredible for recovery, it has the unfortunate side effect of setting in a horrible reality that you may likely never speak to this person again. While that's actually good from a recovery perspective, about 2-3 weeks in, it really messes you up. It happened to me and several people I know that went/are going through healing from a breakup. That will be your true rock bottom.

 

Here's the good part. If you follow the blue print, you will heal much faster than otherwise. It's been proven to work since time eternal by millions of people. My benchmark for not caring is literally just setting in, 9.5 weeks after my breakup, 43 days into strict No Contact. I'm now dating, am happy, and have just jolts of missing my ex from time to time, but they get better and easier to handle every day.

 

As a general benchmark, my therapist tells me that regardless of the intensity/length/circumstances of the relationship, most people get to a normal, functioning state in 6 months or so. This is for longer relationships, and divorce. I don't know what data she has, and I'm not a therapist, so not sure how accurate the number is. But she's great and she's been at this for a while.

 

You know what to do. We're here with you on your road to healing, best of luck!!

I really do appreciate the advice it is honestly so invaluable to me!! I have been reading your thread too and it gives me so much hope that I can get through this. Its been 4 days NC so far so I hope 40 days from now I can say I reallyyyyy don't care anymore. It's so unbelievably annoying to me to dwell over someone I KNOW is not doing the same for me. But I have no choice I'm a prisoner in my own emotions and I just have to ride them out.

 

I almost stalked his social media today but I honestly am so tired of getting devasted that I don't have the dedication to keep torturing myself like that. That's where I'm at, after 4 months getting my heart yo-yoed only to be told that he's "moving on" when we never had a clear talk about the fact that he was done until that statement. That was all I needed to know. Like wow, I should have been a pair of old basketball shorts, then you would have held on to me for dear f*king life.

 

Btw we were together 9 months and we lived together pretty much the whole 9 months (long story, he was really intense about his care for me at first).

 

I hope I will get as far as all of you and push through this initial pain.