Sunflower93 Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 If you seen my last post then you know I've been dealing with this break up for 4 months now and though my POS ex barely told me he was "moving on" this past weekend. I'm not an idiot though and I knew we were done when we were done but he was stringing me along so I unfortunately prolonged the healing for myself that much longer. Everyone I knew told me not to contact him anymore but I just wouldn't freaking listen. But I know myself, and everything happened that way for a reason, I'm very stubborn when it comes to giving up on people and I almost always have to learn the hard way. I finally rationalized why it hurt so much that he said he was moving on when he already was putting in so little effort I'm embarrassed to even admit. I guess in June he crushed my heart then this weekend he crushed my hope, so to speak, so now I finally accepted there's nothing left ever, not even being friends. Which is honestly for the better bc he was pretty emotionally and somewhat physically abusive. When I tried seeing a counselor they told me my attachment is somewhat akin to stolkholm syndrome because I grew an attachment to someone that is hurting me. I'm just honestly so irritated with this whole process it is way too draining. I'm finally to the point where if I feel myself replaying every possible scenario that could have been different or every single memory or every single way he's moving on I practically scream at myself in my head to stop. I can't do it anymore, it hurts too much and I HATE the fact that I know 100% he's not doing any of this. He is not heartbroken in this slightest and I try to tell myself "it doesn't matter that he promised he loved you or you meant the world to him who cares?? Look what he did! Those were just words!" But there has been dissonance between my heart and my brain for months so it's easier said than done to just not care. But dear God do I want to not care. So you know that horrible sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you feel guilty? I get that every time I have to drive near where he lives or if I go anywhere that reminds me of him or if I see something residual of his (like apparently his stupid freaking email was still attached to my google account!). I know I'm so much farther along in my grieving cuz at first I really thought I wasn't gonna make it. Even a few days ago I thought that when he hit me with his last bullet, but I thought it over and I read everyone else's posts so I'm gonna be ok. I hate the sinking feeling in my stomach though, that's what I'm most irritated by. Like when is that gonna go away??!! I'm tired and I'm exhausted and I literally couldn't cry if I wanted to I have nothing left to give. I can't even think about dating either, I need at least the rest of the year to just have time to myself and lose the weight I gained from all this stress. Final thoughts, I am finally able to enjoy life a little and be happy but if I think about him in the midst of whatever activity I'm doing I get that awful feeling in my stomach again. Idk if anyone has ever experienced the death of a loved one, but the same thing happens to me when someone I love has died. Does anyone know when that freaking stops and when you just don't care anymore? Link to comment
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