He's leaving, I'm heartbroken.. messed up fwb

[Sanders6127]

Hi guys, I'm really struggling at the minute so im just looking for some advice or guidance on what to do.

 

To save this post being overly long, I'll bullet point the background info'.

 

-I met a guy 9 months ago, neither of us wanted a relationship and it was a friends with benefits sort of thing.

-He had told me from the start he would be moving to Germany, but he wasn't sure when

-I caught feelings VERY quickly but managed to keep them under control

-My feelings became too much to keep to myself and I told him I have become attached

-He keeps his emotions to himself regarding anything, so it was difficult to know how he felt, e.g. he would shut himself out and isolate himself if anything bad happened or if he became upset.

-We carried out with our situation up until now, we were both attached and didnt want to leave.

 

Now, the past month or so things have been different with him. Sex has been incredibly more intimate, without being crude we have been love making, not f******. , we are more affectinate towards one another (I always held back before recently, thinking it was too much), he visits me more often, we buy each other gifts, he is more open with me etc etc. I thought maybe it was just me who noticed these things so I mentioned it one night and he said he felt it too. So I started a conversation on what we are and if he wanted anything more, to which he said he "doesn't see the point" in being in a loving relationship now, as he is moving to Germany in the next 4 months (maybe sooner, maybe a little later). I asked him what would happen if he was staying longer, and he said "of course there would be a point, I'm not saying no for no reason. If I was staying you would have been mine months ago". I would absolutely love to be with him, no matter how much time he has (I would go the distance but he wouldn't), but he has made it clear that he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to get hurt anymore than he already knows he is when he leaves.

I pretty much knew from the moment the conversation started that he still wouldn't want anything more, but the way he was talking made me really hope. I am now absolutely devosatted and can't stop crying at the thought of him going I'm starting to fall really hard for him and I would do anything to get more time with him. He said me moving to Germany isnt an option (his family dont know about us, given the situation) so it would cause issues, and there is no chance he will stay.

 

From your perspective, or if this was you.. would you carry on with what you have with him, enjoy the time you have together and be heartbroken again when he leaves, or leave now.

 

I don't know what to do with myself im so upset, I've been trapped in my room for the last 3 days hysterically crying, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.

I have already pestered my friends enough with problems Ive had with him in the past so I cant talk to them, and I can't talk to him because he said he doesnt want to talk about it anymore

[Ziggy123]

I would end it now. The longer this goes on the more painful it will get.

You already offered up options of moving or long distance and he wasn't interested. So it's just a matter of when it's over. Might as well start the healing sooner

[pippy longstocking]

For me I would have to end it now , I wouldn't want anymore special moments to grieve over !

[AtitAgain]

And this is why if someone tells you that they are not available for a relationship, it is best to believe them...

[Sanders6127]

I did believe him and I never wanted one at the time either but things changed

[Ziggy123]

I've been in this position before ...it sucks but you are delaying the inevitable I'm afraid

[Lambert]

wow. u know u r going to deal with this until he is gone. so you might as well have fun and so what. you maybe have a good love affair. haha. there's really only two modes. worrying about it in life and moving on in life. Accept what he says. now with no promises. AND keep your own options open. use projection. stds are at a record high. it was on npr just today!

[figureitout23]

I did believe him and I never wanted one at the time either but things changed

 

You sure? I mean things changed awfully quick and drastically. He's not hurting you, he's been open and honest about his stance and hasn't budged. You've had hope that things would change from the start, unfortunately you're causing yourself pain by believing he will change his mind.

 

I'd end it now, it will hurt more if you continue.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd end it now too... I'm not sure how I'd ever be able to "make love" again to someone that has put a shelf-life on the union.

 

It wouldn't be an issue if you had kept your FB situation with the boundaries in place that the dynamic needs to be successful and without heart break.

 

Check out the link below so that you don't fall into this trap with your next CASUAL relationship.

 

 

 

Don't romanticize what you had with him because doing so will just prolong your healing process. Take him down off the pedestal. He knew he was leaving but he crossed casual sexual relationship boundaries with you because it made for better love making... that's all.

[itsallgrand]

I think you got caught up in believing your own fantasy version of this casual sex arrangement.

 

Casual can include any number of enjoyable things. Like sensuality, nice words, gifts, going out, even pancakes in the morning!

 

It's still casual sex. If you start to lose the ability to make the distinction, if you are crying and heartbroken, if you can't leave on a high note and a smile... that's way past the time to say good bye to a casual lover.

 

Some people do enjoy the fantasy of someone to long for though, that they can't quite have. It's all your choice in how you see it and experience this. It doesn't have to be something you suffer over.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you got caught up in believing your own fantasy version of this casual sex arrangement.

 

Casual can include any number of enjoyable things. Like sensuality, nice words, gifts, going out, even pancakes in the morning!

.... and all those things are what, more times then not, lead to thinking there is more to it then casual and that "fantasy version" you talk about.

 

Adding:

I have already pestered my friends enough with problems Ive had with him in the past so I cant talk to them

If you had problems in the past (of a short 9 month interaction) why didn't you just stop having sex with him before you got in even deeper?

[MissCanuck]

End it now, OP.

 

You are going to prolong your own pain otherwise.