What happens with friends w/ benefits that live apart from each other?

[artemis612]

I've been seeing this guy for about a week, it happened spontaneously, we had sex a few times, no strings attached (we both agreed that we're not relationship type of people) and decided to be friends that hook up occasionally (when I get back in town). I study abroad and I left a few days ago, since then we were friendly chatting for some time, but then he stopped responding to my messages. The last thing I wrote was a normal, friendly question (did he manage to write his essay report) and got only seen, no response for 2 days. Now I don't know what to do, should I write him a big text that he doesn't have to worry that we keep in touch because there won't be feelings involved or should I just ignore him and send him a sexy/funny text when I'm back in town in two months? I genuinely want to be friends with him, I just don't know what to do so I don't look too pushy or needy. I just don't want to leave things unresolved...On the other hand, maybe he just forgot to write me back. I'm not looking for attention, I'm not in love with him, I just want to know if there's a problem, but I'm afraid to ask because if it's nothing I don't want to look delusional, making big deal out of nothing.

[RedDress]

I hate to break it to you - but it sounds like you already do have the feels.

 

Have you ever wondered to this degree why a girl friend did not text you back? Contemplated whether you should send her a big emotional text about how it's ok to text you? Sent her texts and had conversations on a daily or near-daily basis?

 

You are saying you want just friends, but you are thinking like someone who wants a relationship. He might have picked up on that - hence the radio silence.

[HeartGoesOn]

From what I understand about FWB is, contact is only made when you're ready to meet up again for the purpose of having sex. Either way, this is not considered dating, but rather what you signed up for.

[j.man]

Nothing happens. While it's semantics, I prefer to look at these situations where you know there's gonna be a cut-off as "short term dating" rather than some form of indefinite FWBs. I've done it several times while traveling to a certain place for an extended period or knowing I'll be moving soon.

 

It was what it was and now it's over. Personally, I look back pretty fondly on those times, but if you can't, then I'd take it as a lesson that the arrangement isn't suitable for you.

[artemis612]

Actually I do write big emotional texts to my girl friends that don't reply to me for a while I just hate not having things cleared up. I don't think I'm catching feelings, the thing that bothers me is the way he supposedly ended all of this, a short reply and then bye forever would've been enough for me. And that's what I actually want to tell him, I deserve honesty since I was super open and direct with him since the beginning. Plus he was the one making plans for my future visit and stuff, he was more into it than me, it's just I want closure but I'm not sure if I should ask for it.

[artemis612]

Nothing happens. While it's semantics, I prefer to look at these situations where you know there's gonna be a cut-off as "short term dating" rather than some form of indefinite FWBs. I've done it several times while traveling to a certain place for an extended period or knowing I'll be moving soon.

 

It was what it was and now it's over. Personally, I look back pretty fondly on those times, but if you can't, then I'd take it as a lesson that the arrangement isn't suitable for you.

 

I agree completely! This is not my first 'relationship' of this kind, I have no problem moving on and remembering the great times, but I just hate the way things ended, I don't know if I should go for it and have the last word without him thinking that I'm a paranoid weirdo.

[IAmFCA]

Um.

 

You "have been seeing this guy for a week" is an oxymoron. You met this guy, had a week-long fling. You talked about flinging again when you are back in town. The two months in between are kind of boring, and texting about day to day stuff feels relationship-like. Drop the text thread. Say nothing. When you plan to be in town again, start texting vague greetings about two weeks in advance. For example, "Hi! Its been a while. How's things?" Do not, DO NOT, share detail about anything.

 

"Oh, school's good. Vaca starts soon." Not "My bio class is killer but I aced my exam, so that helps."

 

This is NOT FWB. This is a cool fling thing. Friendship takes time, conflict, proof that you choose to sort it out. You have only a week of hanging out. This is a fling.

 

As he responds, ease into "I am coming back to your town. You around?"

[Batya33]

I agree -get in touch if you want to meet up and have sex again - if you have time when you're back in time and feel like it. I wouldn't stay in touch at all in between.

[j.man]

I agree completely! This is not my first 'relationship' of this kind, I have no problem moving on and remembering the great times, but I just hate the way things ended, I don't know if I should go for it and have the last word without him thinking that I'm a paranoid weirdo.

What, on a high note and with no drama? That's practically the entire beauty of flings. You have all the fun without the emotional complication. Would you have preferred a cuddle and tears?

 

You don't have to "have the last word." I mean, if you must, you can take IAmFCA's suggestion of "I'll hit you up when I'm back in town," or you can simply leave it and hit him back up when you are actually back in town. However, I wouldn't expect to have a texting pal between now and then, should then happen.

[IAmFCA]

I agree completely! This is not my first 'relationship' of this kind, I have no problem moving on and remembering the great times, but I just hate the way things ended, I don't know if I should go for it and have the last word without him thinking that I'm a paranoid weirdo.

 

They didn't "end". Its just not interesting to write about day to fay life and that isn't what he wants.

 

I have a LDR FWB, BTW. (LOL) (couldnt help myself)

 

We dated disastrously. Years ago. We stopped speaking. We re-engaged. Years ago. Have been FWB for 2 or 3 years now (?). Its fabulous. We see each other a few times a year, but we text most days. Our texts are often vacuous: "Hi sweetie!" They are often sexual. "I want you!" We send pics, both clothed (he loves those) and not so much (he loves those too). How he and I communicate is irrelevant to your situation. He and I are actually friends. We get each other. We express emotion. We cheer on each other's sexual and romantic exploits in our home towns. We get concerned over each other's welfare and wish we could be at one another's family funerals and things (we can't). It will end next year or so. And that is okay.

 

To get here? We paid dearly in drama, emotion, anger, forgiveness, humility, tolerance, trust. It took work.