LRNlifehappens Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 Hello, I am writing to share my experience as a perpetrator of domestic violence (dreamed) against my now ex-girlfriend. Thank you in advance if you take the time to read this. When it comes to domestic violence it seems the consensus is that: * the man is 100% to blame * once an abuser always an abuser * He will treat his next partner the same way * calculates when to abuse; and sets out to abuse his partner from the outset as forms of control * is an overall terrible person Maybe some exaggeration, but I think it’s not so far off. -I would like to challenge all these ideals, share my experience and hear any words of advice or opinion. Background: was in a 2-year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend, no history of violence or abuse with previous partners. I hurt this girl physically on 4 occasions, I will cut to the chase and summaries the incidents. 1st: just over 1 year into the relationship, we were laying on the bed together; I was being playfully obnoxious, pretending to wrestle her (teasingly, she was irritated but not being hurt); she told me to stop that’s enough and to get off- so I did. I sat up and she was on her back, she brought her knees up to her chest and pushed out he hind legs kicking me hard in the face. I instinctively retaliated and I hit her; twice in the shoulder. She began crying and that was it. 2nd incident: about 2 months later, after a long day out together (beach, shopping, restaurant). We returned home and decided to watch a DVD. It was late, past midnight I was sleepy and we moved the film to the bed. 10 mins in I was falling asleep and told gf I won’t be able to stay awake much longer suggesting we go to sleep and finish watching in the morning. She began to get upset and said to me that I promised her we will watch the film. I wasn’t very responsive (falling asleep) - I said I’m sorry I can’t and I need to sleep. She began getting very upset and started screaming at me, (legitimately screaming at top of her lungs) YOU PROMISED HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, I told her there is no way we are watching the film now anyway after you are screaming (how could we cuddle and relax??), please stop otherwise I wont be able to sleep. She didn’t stop and I told her you are making me feel crazy, I don’t know what to do please stop or I will hit you. She only got louder and angrier and I hit her once in the shoulder. She packed, left and stayed the night at her friends place 3rd: One week later, things were still rocky after previous weekends incidents; to compound the previous night gf said I must sleep on the couch (because I was staying up to watch a football game and drink some beers). Next evening, we got into an argument (over something stupid) and she began to taunt me saying ‘what are you going to do hit me??’ I told her no, then she walked into the bedroom and began packing all her belongings. I asked her what she was doing and she wouldn’t talk to me. I pleaded with her what’s going on, let’s talk about this, where are you going etc. She kept her head down and acted as if I wasn’t there. I was very angry/confused and I put my hands around her neck and shook her. She screamed and that was it. She continued to pack and left. I did not see her again for about 6 weeks. Final time: 6 months later, it was the last time I hurt her and this incident ended the relationship for good. Some background- I had my college final exams and was focused on my studies with very little free time. My gf had told me she was depressed and suicidal and the nights before my exams she would cry for hours and I had to comfort her until she was happy enough to sleep (otherwise would continue to cry and wail, so I couldn’t study). It was not easy times. After exams, I was still busy with work and gf was feeling lonely and one day she went to lunch with my mother. She sent me a text to tell me her plans and I replied have fun, see you tonight. I had bought us tickets to an amusement park to surprise her the next morning. She told my mum during lunch that things were not great and my mum suggested she stay at their place. I was at the gym at the time, and received a phone call from my mother saying, ‘gf will be staying at our place indefinitely and she thinks its best you just be friends.’ Obviously, I was very angry at this, especially she didn’t have the courage to tell me herself and used my own mother, also the fact I had a surprise trip for us the next morning; it was all very hurtful. I blocked her number/email and wanted nothing to do with her. Few days later I received a call from my mum and it was my GF telling me that it was a big misunderstanding and she never even wanted to stay at my parents place and did not want to be just friends, I accepted what she told me and she came home to me that night. A matter of nights later she was sitting on the couch not speaking with me and on her phone texting. I was weary that it could be with my mother- and after the recent events did not want her telling my mother personal things about our relationship. So I ask her who she is texting and she said just a friend. I asked to see her phone and she refused and ran into the bedroom and closed the door. I followed her to the room and asked why on Earth would you react that way if you are just texting a friend & if you have nothing to hide show me your phone. She refused and I told her I don’t care even if you are texting my mother, just show me your phone and that will be the end of it. She refused and then I threatened to hit her if she wouldn’t show me. She refused and then I hit her, once in the mouth. Now she shows me her phone; it had 0 messages, she had already deleted everything. I was confused and angry- why she didn’t just show me in the first place; regardless I know I made a huge mistake and I felt terrible, disgusted that I just hit my girlfriend in the face, she didn’t deserve that. We have since broken up, that was 6 months ago, we don’t live close to each other and haven’t had any contact in the past couple months. Personally, I have taken the whole thing tough; deep down I know I am a good person and did try hard for us to work- but then I have acted very hastily and violently in these circumstances and I wish I had never hurt her. I do/did not know where to turn or what to do moving forward. It has been very lonely, I have been seeing a psychologist since this incident and continue to get regular appointments. I know I acted very wrong and honestly there isn’t an excuse for hurting my then girlfriend like I did. However, I do feel that nothing is black and white, contrary to general consensus regarding domestic violence. Maybe I’m wrong; but I feel there isn’t a one box fits all and there are always two sides to a story. I am not justifying what I did, merely shedding light on my perspective. I am single and 6 months on still think about her quite often. It’s still difficult for me to comprehend everything but I take it as a harsh lesson; thank that nothing more serious happened and ultimately think it may be a blessing in disguise. Again, thank you for taking the time to read. Judge me if you wish and I prefer honest feedback. Link to comment
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