Cheated on my Girlfriend

[CrackerD]

This weekend just gone I made the worst decision of my life. My Girlfriend was away with her friends and I attended a small gathering with one of mine. I left the gathering with another girl and cheated on my girlfriend. I told her the day after and have since been a fool and cowardly exposed parts of my Infidelity till she knew the whole picture. We were arguing a lot but we were looking at moving forward with our relationship as we both really wanted it to work.

We are currently suspended in limbo and I have no idea how to address the sickening blow I have afflicted on us. I'm looking on advice as to how I can show that I am truly sorry for what I have done to her and want to make things right as well as what I can do moving forward. It is very early days and emotions are still very raw so I understand that something like this isn’t going to be okay overnight. I understand there is no excuse for what I did regardless of where I thought we were going or how intoxicated I was.

 

Any advice or personal experience is welcome I've never done this before and I really want to do right by this girl and understand what I must do as she did not deserve this in the slightest.

 

Thanks for your time.

[thealchemist]

I think that cheating is typically a differently rooted issue than simply wanting to have sex. Before you try to get past this you need to do some introspective thinking and try to figure out why you did it in the first place. There is something wrong with your relationship if you cheated, it isnt like cheating is what is wrong with it, just a symptom.

[Ziggy123]

Male sure you tell her the whole story, don't leave out any details that you are later going to tell her and she will be hurt all over again. Show her how sorry you are not in a way like you are trying to get forgiveness, just show her how badly you feel for hurting her and you understand whatever she decides to do you will respect her decision. She might be in limbo for a while before she decides so it's going to be really difficult for you. Maybe write her a letter explaining how you feel and then leave it be, don't over apologize. Obviously you need to cut out the girl you cheated with if you have any contact with her. And don't do anything related to other girls for a while even if it's just girls you are friends with or whatever because she will not trust you and it will cause more problems. If she decides to break up you have to let her go, I know it sucks a lot because you made a huge mistake, it's done now and all you can do is learn from it and move forward. Good luck

[kctiger]

Dumb question, but if you cheated on your girlfriend were you really into the relationship that much to begin with? I just find it hard to fathom cheating on someone I am really crazy about. She is hurting and I'd recommend giving her space and plenty of it. The overcompensating for your sorrow will not do any good (i.e. - do not try to "prove" you're sorry...this isn't a movie). She needs to emotionally feel this and decide on her own the rational thing to do. Even if she accepts you back, there will likely be significant trust issues on her side going forward (well warranted), so it puts an even greater strain on the relationship.

[AtitAgain]

Did your girlfriend know the girl you cheated on her with? Or were any mutual friends present? Anyone there that could relate to your personal life? Or was it just some random girl and there is no way anyone could ever know?

 

If it is a mutual friend - this makes matters even worse. If it was someone who cannot be related to your personal life, was it worth it to tell your girlfriend? I know that this is not the popular opinion here, but I for one question if that is always the best course of action.

 

Damage is done now... only thing you can do is "be normal". Groveling and grandiose gestures will not help.

[Clio]

have since been a fool and cowardly exposed parts of my Infidelity till she knew the whole picture.

 

I am not sure what you mean here. If you told her everything, that was actually the right thing to do - not cowardly and not foolish. If you are feeling that telling her the whole story was foolish then you seriously need to reexamine your values. Telling the whole truth was not only the decent thing to do, but it is also the only way to start rebuilding trust. Lies have a way of getting out and once that happens it multiplies the damage/betrayal/hurt.

 

 

I understand there is no excuse for what I did regardless of where I thought we were going or how intoxicated I was.

 

This statement contains a contradiction imo. On the one hand you say there was not excuse, on the other hand you feel the need to mention that you were feeling uncertain about where you were going and that you were intoxicated. To me, it sounds like deep down you regard these as extenuating circumstances but you are unwilling to acknowledge that straight up. If that is the case, then you really need to rethink your values regarding cheating. Those are not valid reasons to cheat. There was indeed something wrong with the relationship but how you chose to handle it is all on you. Lots of people have relationship problems like yours, yet they don't cheat. Lots of people get intoxicated yet they don't cheat. At the end of the day cheating is about personal values and choices. Blaming the other person or external factors is a very poor cope out and adds insult to the injury imo. She does have part of the responsibility regarding the bad state your relationship was in but she is not in any way responsible for your choice to cheat.

 

Anyway, to answer your original question, imo, 1) you would have to own the cheating and accept full responsibility for it, not just pay lip service. She can probably sense if you are not being genuine. 2) you would need to answer all her questions truthfully. 3)you would need to give her space and let her decide whether she wants to try to repair the relationship. 4) you would need to demonstrate consistent effort toward rebuilding trust e.g. no more cheating, transparency regarding your actions from now, honest communication, cutting the person you cheated with out of your life.

 

All the above is actually hard work and sadly even then, you may not ever be able to get her trust back. Not all people have the capacity to forgive cheating. That is why she needs space to decide whether she is willing to even try. You cannot repair this all on your own. It takes two, and even then there are no guarantees. What you need to do on your end is to be clear with yourself about the real reasons that made you cheat. If you don't address the real reasons then you are liable to do it again.

[MissCanuck]

I have been in your girlfriend's position.

 

She is going to be asking herself why she wasn't good enough for you. No, that's not the "right" question for her to torment herself with, but that will be going through her mind an awful lot these days. She will wonder what the other girl has that she doesn't. You need to make damn sure you are clear with your girlfriend that your cheating was not because something is wrong with her.

 

Next, you need to get very real with yourself about why this happened. Are you already emotionally checked out of your relationship? Are you bored? Do you crave attention from other girls? Being drunk doesn't explain it; there's more to it that fueled your decision. What was it?

 

Understand that the damage you have done is deep, and won't even totally come to light for a while. This is just the beginning of a long journey. Every time you go out without her, she is likely going to be worried and anxious. When you don't answer your phone, or when you're taking a long time to respond - same thing. If you go out partying with your friends, be prepared for plenty of questions accounting for your time and activities afterward. You need to be sure you can handle the amount of reassurance and transparency your girlfriend will require now. That is the price you pay for regaining trust. If that's too high for you, walk away now.

 

Also consider the fact that her healing will not be linear. She will have days when she wants you by her side, and days when she just wants you to eff off and leave her alone. She is going to be angry about this for a long time, probably. That doesn't mean she gets to hold it over your head at every turn, should she choose to stay with you, but she will need you to be more patient and understand that her pain is close to the surface even when things seem okay.

 

All of the above doesn't mean you two will stay together, though. You have changed the way she looks at you now. That cannot be undone. She might learn to trust you again, but she won't ever quite see you as the man of her dreams again. Despite her best efforts to forgive, she won't forget. Not completely. How she chooses to cope with that painful memory, well, that's on her.

[yatsue]

You recognize this is your problem and mistake, not hers. This is good, as well as telling her right away and coming here for ideas. Many mistake it as their partner's fault because of x, y, z, which is always an excuse to make the cheater feel better about what they did. It is better to analyze how it came to this and how to prevent this in the future. For example, perhaps you made the mistake of inviting another woman alone to your place or hers, or at a hotel after a night of drinking. Boundaries should have been in place to say to yourself you will not allow yourself to be put in a situation such as this that leads to a high chance of cheating. Could be anything, but we don't really know what happened since you kept the details pretty generic.

 

Actions speak far better than words here. Don't talk about how sorry you are. Yes, apologize sincerely, but do something to try to amend your previous behavior. Go read self help books about cheating, speak to a counselor/therapist, a priest (if you're religious or not, they can be good guides in life), post more threads here, ask her what you could do on your end to help her with your cheating and do it, get a STD panel performed and present her with the results then take it in another 6 months (rule out false negatives & premature testing for certain STDs with longer incubation periods), tell her you are willing to abstain if she would like to, etc. Talk to her about what you've learned or are actively learning from these resources.

 

Be extra transparent about your actions. Take it upon yourself to update her frequently on where you're going, who you're talking to, and what your plans will be. Tell her you want to do this for her, even if she believes it's not necessary. While still maintaining your personal privacy, this allows you to open up to her more and may make her gain back trust in you. There's no obligation to do this from her, but do this and I bet she would appreciate the gesture in trying to dispel any ambiguity about your daily life.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'll be the odd one out, and say that the chances of this surviving the long term are slim to none. Going forward may look good on paper, but she'll always have the dark cloud hanging over her head. Also, keep in mind that one cheats by choice, not by chance.

 

Of course it's your call, but once the trust is taken away, it's an entirely different ball game, so to speak.