My "boyfriend" strung me along all summer

[Sunflower93]

Well I don't know where to begin, I could go in forever so I'll try at keep it short. Basically I met my ex last august and I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pursued me so heavily almost to the point of obsession, I gave in and we moved wayyyy faster than I was comfortable with but I just went with it. He told me he loved me after 3 days and we basically lived together after that because he never left my apartment and eventually he lost his place after the 2nd month and he was renting his room out anyways so he was fully living with me at that point. I've never had a real boyfriend only "situations" so I was very naive and innocent in all of this. I thought it was live at first sight for him that's why he was so "all in" after only a few days. I guess I didn't realize he was just trying to skip ahead to the big stuff bc he had all of those this with His ex before she left him.

 

The relationship was honestly pretty awful bc he has a lot of anger issues and I had no idea what moving so fast would mean, i.e. Money problems, not getting to comfortable, still keeping each other first. Regardless of his many issues I came to love him so deeply I would do anything for him and I pretty much did. We would argue so violently it even became physical a few times but it was both of us in the beginning and I was so heartbroken from him allowing his anger to control him like that. More towards the end of the relationship he was the only one that would still occasionally snap and push me or bite me. I stayed with him bc I he hard a horrible past and I thought he needed someone to not give up on him for once.

 

We were together 9 months and during that time it came to light that he had talked to girls a few times and he would just call them cute through text or something like that's only what I found who knows what else they said. I still stayed because I loved him so furiously I didn't even care what he did anymore. At least not enough to leave. Then my lease ended and we had to move to separate places cuz we couldn't afford our own place. He was pushing me away like never before at this point. Keep in mind 90% of our crazy arguments we're me saying he doesn't give me any attention and is always doing his own this and him saying he needs space and he wants to hang out with our roommate to play ps4 and stupid stuff like that.

 

He was pushing me away so far and even got a dog after we had talked for MONTHS about getting a dog when we get our own place. Plus a dog is at LEAST a 10 year decision he just made without me. I was so heartbroken you cannot believe. He had told me almost daily he wants forever with me and he wants to marry me and wants to have kids with me. He BEGGED me to believe he loved me and to never give up on him like everyone else has. And you know what, my naive stupid heart did believe him and that's why I loved him so strongly I thought we were in this together forever no matter what obstacles came. And I needed so much convincing cuz I've never been in love before and I was so scared of getting hurt after everything I've been through.

 

Ok flash forward to this summer, after 9 months of chaos and toxicity the final heart break for me was the dog, so I told him I want to break up only, as unhealthy as it is, we broke up and got back together constantly. So I thought this was the same old thing and we would work it out. But this time was different bc he said that I broke up with him and he needs "time". But don't worry, we still were sleeping together and being extremely unhealthy so there's that. Only while I was a crying sniveling mess begging him to tell me what I did wrong and why he pushed me away he STILL kept saying he just needs time and to figure himself out. The ENTIRE time he was telling me this he was talking to sooo many girls desperately trying to get them to sleep with him.

 

Ugh I hate even writing this but I was so desperate to get him to love me I honestly just ignored that he was doing that plus he lied to me every time I saw him and said he wasn't talking to anyone he was just working and doing him. I loved that boy like I've never loved anything I was reeling from out "break up" all summer, and though he was phasing me out bc he would see me less and less, we were still kind of in a weird place cuz he was still telling me that he needs time. I knew we weren't together but it felt like maybe he would find himself or whatever he needed to do and come back to me.

 

I finally got to happy place this month and I thought I was handling our break up better finally cuz I was pretty much suicidal before, only I wanted to see him still and I thought we could be friends or something. He always told me we would at least be friends. Only this weekend he finally told me "we didn't work im focusing in other things now" and I told him what happened to you saying you always want to be there why can't we be friends then he said "I'm moving on" and that's all I got from him.

 

So this entirely long story was to say that now I feel the greatest pain I've ever felt in my life, I didn't even go to work today I feel like we're breaking up all over again and that pain was already to great to deal with. I HATE that he just gave up on me and never gave me a chance to fix whatever caused him to start pushing me away. I HATE that HES moving on, if anyone should move on it should be me. He had me believing he "just needed time" all summer long only to come to this. I loved him so much I would do anything for him, all I can do is obsess over everything that happened and I know I did everything I could but it just feels like such a loss. I can't understand how he doesn't miss me when I feel like I will never love again. He should at LEAST miss me not be moving on and so happy on his own after he begged me to love him. It's so unfair and I honestly don't know how to handle this. I feel like quitting my job and just staying in bed until however long it takes me to stop crying which feels like months from now. And I've already been crying for 4 months now it's like I started all over.

[fwdthinker]

Hi Sunflower, I am sorry to hear you are in such pain. I think reading some stuff about toxic relationships would be helpful for you to learn about. I'm also sorry that your "first love" isn't a very good person. I'm sorry but there is no other way to say it. nobody deserves to be hit, bit, cheated on or lied to. It's time for you to work on your self.. Become your best self and kick him and his mess to the curb in your heart and mind. I know it's super tough but you have to fight for yourself to feel better and learn about yourself so you can avoid being attracted to this type again. Counseling would be a good idea. You sound young and thus have many new opportunities in front of you. Do your very best to focus on you and your healing now. Easier said than done when you are hurting. But make that commitment to yourself. Your future can be much brighter than these past months. This is definitely one to go into the "lessons learned" category. He isn't worth it!

[chitown9]

This guy is crazy.:silly: and woman that would want to be with him is crazy too. Believe me when I tell you he will treat any woman that gives him the time of day the same as he treated you, which was terrible. Only a masochist would enjoy being bit and hit and ignored. Hit me again. I love it!

 

Tell us again why you want this toxic man?? chi

[cherubrock]

He sounds like he has NPD sorry...but you sound naive and like a people-pleaser....you need to learn how to value your own self more..

[Carus]

Do not quit your job unless you have another one to go to. Do not make ANY big decisions like that whilst you're in emotional turmoil. If you lose your income it will make this worse than it already is!

Please hear me*

 

As for the crying, it's not so nice l know, but that is what nature has evolved for us to process emotional pain. So it's very important that you let it out whenever it comes.

 

If it comes at work, if you can, just go to the toilets or your car or storeroom or some place and let it out.

 

The good news is that it WILL ease up eventually. Don't put any time lines on it though. It takes as long as it takes and we all heal at different paces.

 

Find at least one good friend to be your breakup wing buddy. Ask them directly if they are able to be there for you for as long as it takes. Friends and family are important for support but be very careful about taking any break up advice from them. People mean well but sometimes give terrible advice when it comes to break ups.

 

Most of the wonderful people who have been on this forum for a while will give you much better advice than others who have not studied this stuff nor been through it themselves.

 

And on that note, here is some advice lol: If you stop contacting this guy the chances are extremely high that he will come at you a few more times. Saying he's sorry, misses you, etc....

 

Unless he gets some coaching or counseling and is committed to change, you will be entering the same painful and somewhat traumatic cycle over and over.

 

You have been warned*

 

Ok, and finally, do some research on attachment and attachment styles...

 

Here is a present for you Sunflower:

 

 

Be Strong. You will be ok.

From: Someone who has been through it many times.

Carus*

[Rustysuit]

Girl, please. By what you said, you seem a very good catch that any man dreams of. Just think about when you find someone who REALLY loves you and respects you? You'll have the best relationship ever.

 

Just don't ever forget your self worth and what you deserve.

[Sunflower93]

Hi fwdthinker, thank you so much for the advice. I'm trying really hard to not think about it and focus on myself, I just have this awful sinking feeling in my stomach. It's like my mind knows that he sucked and I can do way better but my heart and body aren't really up to speed. I mean even though he just said we were officially through this weekend we've been done since June he was just bread crumbing me. So that's why I have the mental capacity to understand that ok it is what it is I just have to keep going now. It just is such a lonely journey that's the only thing. I hate having to overcome yet Another obstacle. It's like when can I just not have gigantic hurdles in front of me? I wanna try counseling but I tried it in June after our break up and I felt like it was just making me rehash everything and dwell on it too much. Idk, this website has helped tremendously bc everyone has been telling me 1000 ways to get over it, but personally the best way I get over things is through comiserating so to speak and knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. I have a really big heart and I feed off of empathy and empathizing with others.

[Sunflower93]

Carus, thank you for all the advice it has honestly made today soooo much easier and I was reading some of the other people's threads and it just makes me feel a little lighter knowing I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. I haven't cried today and I really don't feel like crying. As I stated I've been crying for 4 months and that's no exaggeration, I WISH it was an exaggeration. I am still in pain but I am just so exhausted from all of this. I don't have it in me to cry and I was forcing it bc I thought if I didn't cry when I felt this pain I was stuffing it down or something. But after I yesterday I realized every time I sit in the pain and wallow it feels so much greater and I'm giving it too much power.

 

And just to clarify I never want my ex back not in this life or the next lol It's more I'm just really hurt and I'm super astounded anyone has the capacity to treat another human being like this. I always thought love meant never leaving and never giving up but I guess I need to rethink what I think love is.

[Sunflower93]

Ok also I'm not a people pleaser by any definition of the word, I am usually in control of every situation and to be honest if anyone that knew me knew the truth about our relationship they would be astounded bc I'm not the person to put up with this crap. I just love really hard and to me that means never giving up on people and taking them with all their flaws (I know) so I just got wrapped up in what I thought was love and that's why I stayed long after he was hurting me. So I know I was naive but I'm also very introspective and I can see why I did what I did. If it was my friend in the same situation I would have killed them for putting up with this and told them to leave a long time ago, like after the First time he disrespected me. So yeah, I'm a lot better today but lesson definitely learned with that one. Never again.

[dave4443]

Definitely don't quit your job, you would regret it when you've healed and look back kicking yourself.

I know what you're going through with the 'second' break up after being led on, and I can tell you the initial pain is a lot worse than the breakup or was for me, but it lasts a lot shorter as like you're saying if they can do that they don't deserve you, despite any faults or flaws you may have, no one deserves to be used for sex and company until they don't need it anymore.

 

You'll find someone better some day hands down, and he probably hasn't moved on like you think, people just get cold after a breakup don't take whatever he says as truth

Even if it takes longer for you to get over it anyway you will be the one that's been through the hardship and changed for the better, he will still be a tool

 

Good luck! X

[eidetic]

Just know that his weirdness was not and is not about you. Sometimes it helps to understand that a person like this is going to be this way with anyone. People may say "...if he does the work to change..." -- but really, even for healthy people, that work and change takes Y E A R S .

 

Keep feeling your feelings, good or bad. It's just grief, and it's the natural response to loss. Keep crying, too -- it's a cleansing on many levels, and will help you move forward. It *will* ease off; just give yourself time. And don't let this impact your employment more than necessary. Sometimes it helps to tally the dollar cost of the relationship, in terms of how much more is lost even money-wise, from missed work hours to the expense of therapy. In both cases there's no doubt your self care is necessary -- but it can be illuminating to see how this one figure in your life experience has put you out even after the relationship ends.

 

Where you confess your own control mechanism -- that's part of why this relationship stayed on. Sometimes the strength/vulnerability of a controller insists that a less-than relationship dynamic or partner will not beat it. Whatever that part of you is, and whenever you learned to rely on it -- weed that out and examine it a little bit. Because whatever it is, it deserves to be met by a partner of equal strength, who is gentle and loving enough to shelter you from needing to use the defense mechanism.

 

You seem in a good place, and self aware. Know that some people do the breadcrumbs business for YEARS. Now that you've seen this in play in your own life, I think you will naturally decline anyone who shows any hint of same strangeness. That doesn't exactly feel like a blessing, but it is one. Hard-won, I know, and I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

If you don't want to hash it out in talk therapy, try EMDR. Quick progress, a short track with lasting results, and not a lot of talking.

[Sunflower93]

Where you confess your own control mechanism -- that's part of why this relationship stayed on. Sometimes the strength/vulnerability of a controller insists that a less-than relationship dynamic or partner will not beat it. Whatever that part of you is, and whenever you learned to rely on it -- weed that out and examine it a little bit. Because whatever it is, it deserves to be met by a partner of equal strength, who is gentle and loving enough to shelter you from needing to use the defense mechanism.

 

Thank you so much. So much enlightenment in one post! I see what you're saying about the control thing I just never thought about it in that way. Especially not as a reason for why I put up with this BS. But now I see that is a huge reason why I stayed. Not to mention today I found a journal I had from march and I was saying that he was not the one and I wanted so much more out of life than a lazy uncaring man. So it's crazy how heartbroken I am now when I had barely wanted to stay. I swear the dissonance I'm experiencing is uncanny. Can you expand on that your point a little bit more? I'm just curious

[Sunflower93]

Definitely don't quit your job, you would regret it when you've healed and look back kicking yourself.

I know what you're going through with the 'second' break up after being led on, and I can tell you the initial pain is a lot worse than the breakup or was for me, but it lasts a lot shorter as like you're saying if they can do that they don't deserve you, despite any faults or flaws you may have, no one deserves to be used for sex and company until they don't need it anymore.

 

You'll find someone better some day hands down, and he probably hasn't moved on like you think, people just get cold after a breakup don't take whatever he says as truth

Even if it takes longer for you to get over it anyway you will be the one that's been through the hardship and changed for the better, he will still be a tool

 

Good luck! X

 

Thank you! It's funny, not to sound pathetic, but I feel like I have friends that actually freaking understand and know what to say and what I need to hear lol I did quit my job, but only cuz I took an interview this week for a place that I probably wouldn't have taken if I was with him and now I'm going to be making double what I make now starting in a couple weeks! it's so weird it's like every other aspect of my life is flourishing aside from my love life of course. I really do hope he isn't moving on so easily like he says tho cuz that would really break my heart. I have no idea why tho it's not like he owes me anything, I'm just really sentimental I guess and I feel like we shared a lot.

[blondechick2]

Wow I feel like I know what you're going through verbatim. Our situations are incredibly similar. If you need someone to vent to please don't hesitate to message me! I know what it's like. That gut wrenching helpless pain. You are not alone and there are better men out there for us. Men who will cherish our loving hearts and show us the love and attention we deserve. And when we start loving ourself enough to realize that is when those men will enter our lives