New boyfriend

[MissBee]

Hi Girls and Guys,

 

I would like your thoughts and opinions on my new bf please.

 

I have been single since 2011 and have recently met a nice attractive guy from meetup.com I met him at a social event and things took off from there. So I have been dating him for about two months now. We do seem to have small arguments which are meaningless from time to time, I think we are compatible and he believes that too, both attracted to each other and the sex is great!

 

But the only slight issue is that he is somewhat ambitious and I am highly ambitious and I believe in working towards goals and doing a vision book for motivation and I have tried to get him to be interested and he just pulls away. He had a serious car accident when he was 21 and he was in a coma where he nearly died. He had to learn how to eat, walk and talk again and I think from that bad accident he has lost all of his self confidence and maybe his interest in work wise. He was at University when all of this happened and he was in his third year doing a Business Degree so he must of had ambition doing that?! He is now aged 33 and I am 32.

 

He works with his father doing building, plumbing and electrician work, he drives a nice car like me but lacks ambition else where. He looks up to his brother in laws quite a lot and they both live in big million pound houses!! He gave me the impression that he owned his own home and actually he doesn't he rents and I asked him if he was self employed and he said yes, I said are you not keeping your receipts? he said no, then I said don't you pay tax? he said no. So that told me he doesn't have three years accounts to be able to buy a house. So I found that quite alarming hoping that he isn't a dreamer. He did recently text me yesterday to say he is going to look into paying for more advertising for his work to get more jobs in. So maybe what I said to him last weekend went in and he listened properly. I told him that he looked up to his family in law members so much and that he shouldn't be impressed with what they achieved, be impressed with what you need to achieve in life. I want to live in a big property and I am hoping that you are not a dreamer like my ex who dreamt of having that lifestyle but not working hard to get it. I said I don't want to be the one paying for everything and you just sit happy. So maybe he has been influenced by me?

 

Other than the squabbles we do get on really well and we have a laugh but the work thing is important to me as I don't want to be the main breadwinner in the relationship. And he has asked me when we go out if I could pay half, I have never really done that in past relationships but that has probably because the men I have dated in the past were much older and had more money.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you judge him far too much to make this a life-mate situation. Dating is to find out if who you are with, you can actually tolerate past the honeymoon stage. I don't think you'd be able to do that with this guy.

 

As for him not paying taxes... well that's actually against the law so you do the math.

[MissBee]

Ok thank you, maybe I am just expecting a perfect guy, as I do have high expectations in life and I feel I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to everything. But I do want him to at least have some encouragement to buy in the future.

[ThatwasThen]

Ok thank you, maybe I am just expecting a perfect guy, as I do have high expectations in life and I feel I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to everything. But I do want him to at least have some encouragement to buy in the future.

I think; If his two brothers-in-law and their million dollar homes don't give him the encouragement/motivation to better himself then no one or nothing will.

 

You two are incompatible.

[HeartGoesOn]

I want to live in a big property and I am hoping that you are not a dreamer like my ex who dreamt of having that lifestyle but not working hard to get it. I said I don't want to be the one paying for everything and you just sit happy.

 

What seems to be more concerning is, after a period of two months you barely know each other, and you're already planning where you'd like to live, etc?

 

Either way, I'd slow it down, as this has a high potential of ending in a burnout, (imo).

[itsallgrand]

Wow you actually said that to him?!

 

I think you are out to lunch, honestly.

[j.man]

Well don't you sound like a lot of fun.

 

And he has asked me when we go out if I could pay half, I have never really done that in past relationships but that has probably because the men I have dated in the past were much older and had more money.

Purely coincidental, I'm sure.

[AtitAgain]

"And he has asked me when we go out if I could pay half"

 

I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. My next comment is not directed at you, but at the ladies that expect guys to pay for everything.

 

Too many guys are chumps and pay for everything... why? Do we need to pay for your company - there are prostitutes for that. No offense, just for real.

[Honeycomb8]

You sound crazy.

[butterfly45]

Bit harsh to say crazy lol!

 

I'm surprised he has tolerated you making comparisons with your ex though. If he was complaining about not being where he wants to be in life, then I can see why your advice is relevant, but he might be happy with where he is so who are you to judge?

[reinventmyself]

If you ever catch yourself 2 mos in and treating your new partner like a project, then you are in the wrong place.

This early on and he's not meeting your standards, then let the poor man go so he find someone who loves him exactly the way he is

[Batya33]

I think what you're calling ambition is just that you want someone who wants to make a lot of money. So be honest about that rather than playing that comparison game. Someone can be very ambitious and not make a lot of money or do vision boards.

[j.man]

Guys if she can't convince this guy to get rich or die trying, how is she going to GET HER BIG HOUSE????????

 

Sometimes these forums are so unhelpful.

[AtitAgain]

Guys if she can't convince this guy to get rich or die trying, how is she going to GET HER BIG HOUSE????????

 

Sometimes these forums are so unhelpful.

 

I mean, I don't see anything wrong with her desires... it is what it is. She wants a rich man in her life. All fine and dandy, I personally don't believe that is all that important, but for her, it clearly is. For me a girl with a great butt is important, for some that would be superficial... it is what it is.

 

To try to force someone to become the person you want them to become though... that is the issue. Like if I dated a girl who was amazing in every way, but then wanted her to get plastic surgery in her butt.... that is just wrong. Get the person with the qualities you want, or accept them the way that they are. Motivating someone to be the best they can be, is different from not loving them for whom they are.

[abitbroken]

I know people who are in skilled trades like plumbing who have stable jobs, make really good money and have more job satisfaction than people who are lawyers. I think you are turning your nose up a little too high. its not your business at this point how he files taxes. One day, he will figure out how best to arrange his business matters but for now, you are just dating so get your nose out of it. Not everyone has ambitions of a big house. We don't want one -- they are pricey to heat and we rather go on trips to see family across the country, have hobbies, have pets than have a huge house.

[itsallgrand]

I said 'out to lunch' but that was really holding it back. It says something deep to me about a person that they would hold acquiring money and caring about vision boards as the definition of ambition .

 

The man fought himself back to life, learned to walk again, talk again ( there was head trauma then). But that's nothing, he must have had ambition before because he was enrolled in an university .

 

I watched my brother do those things. Girl please, you don't know s/t about ambition and determination.

[melancholy123]

Ok thank you, maybe I am just expecting a perfect guy, as I do have high expectations in life and I feel I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to everything. But I do want him to at least have some encouragement to buy in the future.

 

There's no such thing as a perfect guy, so if that's what you want you are going to be disappointed. I think you are rather pushy when it comes to how to interact with this guy who seems to be living life his way and you dont like his way.

[Jibralta]

MissBee, that's a lot to unload on someone after two months! It's good that you like each other, but give things room to breathe!

[catfeeder]

I see nothing wrong with viewing someone who doesn't pay taxes as too irresponsible to be my life partner. That's a pretty clear indicator to me that I would be unhappy investing in someone whose judgment I don't respect.

 

What I would NOT do is sign on as the guy's personal social worker to try to mould him into the person I'd want him to be. The 'ick' factor in that would be too high for me. It conflates my desire for an equal partner into a role that would creep me out too much to assume, because there's nothing 'equal' about managing someone else's vision and behavior.

 

There's a huge difference between making value judgments about another human being merely for the sake of badmouthing them in an attempt to feel superior versus using reasonable discretion to make judgements about whether someone is good relationship material for you, personally.

 

Don't conflate the two. Either someone would make a good partner "for me", or not. If not, it was a good experience for us to meet, but that's as far as it goes. Period.

 

Most people are not our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. We're each entitled to own our own dealbreakers, and since nobody else is living our love lives FOR us, nobody else gets a vote. So the question isn't about whatever WE think of the guy, but whether or not you view him as a good match for you--As Is. If not, end the thing and move on. It makes no sense to try to turn a wrong match into a right one. Think: do you WANT to position yourself in the role of managing someone else's vision, judgement and responsibility for their future in order for their future to align with yours? If so, your problem may appear to begin with his taxes, but that misses the point entirely.

[Batya33]

Ok thank you, maybe I am just expecting a perfect guy, as I do have high expectations in life and I feel I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to everything. But I do want him to at least have some encouragement to buy in the future.

 

But that encouragement cannot come from you -you don't know him well and you're biased -if he asks you for support, certainly you can be supportive. He may have very high expectations as well -just not those that are compatible with yours.