Mentioning other suitors

[Robina]

How does a man feel about a woman having other suitors?

 

I've been WhatsApping with this man from Tinder for almost two months now. We swiped while he was on holiday abroad. Before his return I've had to travel abroad for work. During this time we've got to know each other over messaging. We have many things in common and he was vocal about flirting with me in the early days, however never spoken over the phone.

 

He's been divorced a few years and I've been widowed for about the same time. I generally attract men fairly easy which he's picked up on. Because I wasn't sure how I felt about him and what I was looking for - haven't dated anyone since my husband passed - I've mentioned other suitors to him while joking. Now I'm not sure how he feels about me because he jokes about men from Tinder. He knows I'm pretty reserved so wouldn't never push for a meet or phone call unless I initiate it.

 

Given all this, if you were a man how would feel and what would you think about the situation?

[mustlovedogs]

It would make me think you're trying to friendzone me.

[Liraele]

Considering you haven't met (or even progressed to speaking on the phone), there is no reason that you having other potential suitors should even be an issue at this point.

[abitbroken]

I am not a man, but i know from communicating with men, that maybe you should close the deal on a date. If you don't meet him for a simple coffee or lunch meet soon, he is going to think you are just messaging to pass the time. soon, it is going to graduate into that territory, especially due to the app you met on. I would suggest a coffee meet vs talking on the phone so that if there is no connection in person, you next him and meet someone else and don't waste your time vs acquiring a phone buddy.

[thealchemist]

Well I am a man so ill answer from that viewpoint.

 

I wouldn't really care if it is so early into things but I would get pretty pissed if I felt like the woman was trying to evoke some kind of competition between me and another suitor.

[abitbroken]

It would make me think you're trying to friendzone me.

 

Hinting at having a boyfriend or dates, etc, does imply that you are not completely available. Or could sound like you are playing games. remember, he's not your best girlfriend who you can complain about online dating to.

[DancingFool]

...You haven't met, you aren't dating, you owe him nothing.....at the same time, mentioning other suitors is simply tactless....so maybe don't do that going forward.

 

Also agree that don't get pulled into lots of text talking. Just set up a meet as soon as possible - public place, something simple like a coffee. Just so you can see each other face to face and see if there is anything there or not in terms of actual in person chemistry. First time meeting it's not even a date, more just a meet and greet to see IF you two actually want to turn this into a date at a future point.

[HeartGoesOn]

How can you determine how you feel about each other without ever meeting in person?

[ProtestTheHero]

I wouldn't think anything about it. I wouldn't expect a woman who I've only talked with on tinder to put her dating life on hold while I'm away. I'm a pretty confident guy, but that would be an absurd expectation. Women with something to offer will have multiple men interested in her. All I'm interested in at the beginning is a chance to get to know the woman in question to see if there's chemistry. She can continue to see whoever she wants because I don't operate under the assumption of exclusivity unless we have that conversation. I'd make no assumptions about it at all. That would change if she brought it up a thousand times, because then it feels like she's being disingenuous and trying to get me to react in a certain way.

[Robina]

You make an excellent point re girlfriend! Point received. Will not mention other guys again.

 

He suggests he's confident and 'does not compete' with other men.

 

We're not going to be in the same town for another 3 weeks. Best to cut all contact in the meantime? We seem to initiate WhatsApping on an equal ratio.

 

I was back in London this past weekend and initiated a meetup which he was happy to have. A rush of nerves meant I cancelled a day later. Another day went by and regret set in so tried to reschedule. At which point he'd already made other plans, understandably so.

 

Hinting at having a boyfriend or dates, etc, does imply that you are not completely available. Or could sound like you are playing games. remember, he's not your best girlfriend who you can complain about online dating to.

[abitbroken]

You make an excellent point re girlfriend! Point received. Will not mention other guys again.

 

He suggests he's confident and 'does not compete' with other men.

 

We're not going to be in the same town for another 3 weeks. Best to cut all contact in the meantime? We seem to initiate WhatsApping on an equal ratio.

 

I was back in London this past weekend and initiated a meetup which he was happy to have. A rush of nerves meant I cancelled a day later. Another day went by and regret set in so tried to reschedule. At which point he'd already made other plans, understandably so.

 

Coffee is just coffee. remember that.

 

Also, do you live in the same town and are just busy or do you live in different towns? I wouldn't cut contact if you plan to actually meet up. I would just set a date to meetup and let it be that. It doesn't have to be for long timeslot. its not really a date -- its a "meet" before the first date.

 

I think that if you can never meet up and are not in the same town for three weeks at a time, he may lose interest and communicate with women who actually want to make an effort to meet him.

[Robina]

Yes, we both live in London. His work requires some travel at the moment and so does mine. I'm hoping to be permanently London based for at least 6 months from November. All this travel is no good for my dating life!

 

He's told me he doesn't tend to invest in getting to know more than one person at a time. There is no reason for me to doubt him on this. Especially given he's just changed jobs and may not have time to chat with several ladies at once.

 

Coffee is just coffee. remember that.

 

Also, do you live in the same town and are just busy or do you live in different towns? I wouldn't cut contact if you plan to actually meet up. I would just set a date to meetup and let it be that. It doesn't have to be for long timeslot. its not really a date -- its a "meet" before the first date.

 

I think that if you can never meet up and are not in the same town for three weeks at a time, he may lose interest and communicate with women who actually want to make an effort to meet him.

[j.man]

I'd stop taking you seriously. Don't care if a lady I'm dating has other "suitors," but feeling the need to bring it up would seem like either friend-zoning, game playing, or some kind of special.

[annie24]

I think that the assumption when you are on a dating app is that you both are talking to other suitors at the same time. I think you should set up a time to meet in person and see how things go.

[RainyCoast]

i see no reason to bring it up other than to evoke a reaction from the other- spoken or not-

and the mentality behind that would put me off.

 

him saying he is confident and doesn't compete reads something like "i don't appreciate you trying to make me jealous" to me

him saying he dates one person at a time only, as a reminder that you making it clear there's 25% of you considering this guy, and 25% that and so on is not to his taste.

then you flaked not because of your traveling schedule but because "nerves"*

i'd be surprised if he continued to take you very seriously

 

 

and while i'm too lazy to go back and check if you've mentioned your ages, you're certainly both adults who could easily communicate in ways that build an alliance instead of remarks aimed at making either feel played, provoked, tested, or given a difficult start. regardless of nobody owing anyone anything in the early stages, what you don't want setting a precedent to how you may relate to someone in the future is an attitude of contrivance and limited willingness to actually focus on them.

 

i'd personally pass, but that's me.

 

*i would suggest an impulse to play up your dating experience and desirability is simple to look at and may be worth asking yourself why you felt you needed to overcompensate for something you acted very certain about. it just comes off...callow and ingenuous.