1994 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Hi, everyone. Didn't know what else to do but just throw my feeling out here. And I'm sorry for writing such a long post (and english is not my first language, so excuse my bad grammar), but I've been feeling so sad, anxious and unable to concentrate properly in school and at work lately. It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend over a month ago. It wasn't planned. It was a heat of the moment-scenario. One day I just felt I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. So I felt like I had to break up. She suffers from depression and anxiety, something she always had been open and honest about with me since we first started dating. I had no prior experience of dealing with mental illness before but she said that she had been dealing with it for seven years and that she took medication for it, so I felt no reason to worry about it. She seemed to have it under control and she was so confident and charming and interested in me that I fell head over heals for her. So after 4 months of dating we officially became a couple and everything felt great. One month into our relationship her depression and anxiety started to show up. And in the beginning it was fine. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. Hold her. Comfort her. Listen. But more and more frequent she started to blame me for the anxiety attacks. It was always because of something I had done. It could be everything from things like that I had the wrong tone when we spoke over the phone, to me not buying her gifts more often or me not being grateful enough for a present she gotten me. Sometimes I actually did something stupid, like making a stupid joke on her behalf or not buying her flowers for our six month anniversary. I wasn't a perfect boyfriend and I deserved some blame for her anxiety from time to time, but I did my best every day to NOT be the reason for her anxiety. So much to the point that i stopped doing a lot of the things that made her upset and a lot of stuff that made me happy. If she got upset over me making plans with my friends on a day that she thought we were going to hang out, then I stopped making plans with friends (unless I knew she had other plans that day that didn't involve me). If she thought I wasn't telling her that I loved her enough, then I started to say it as often as I could. If she thought I didn't sound happy to hear her voice over the phone, then I always made sure my voice sounded cheerful whenever we spoke on the phone (no matter how tired or busy or sad I actually was). Whatever it was that made her upset I took it to heart and did my best to change that behavior for her, because there is nothing worse than hearing from the one that you love the most that they feel neglected, unloved or unappreciated. But sooner or later she would get an anxiety attack over something and whenever she got an anxiety attack she would always tell me that she felt unloved, that I didn't care for her or her well being and I would always feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. I would apologize and promise to change. But after a while I started to feel like the pressure was becoming to big. Always taking the blame and being the reason for her anxiety while also being the only thing/person who could comfort her and make the anxiety go away became a burden. And I started being honest with her. I told her after the attacks that I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, that it felt like she was actively looking for things to blame me for, that I was afraid to say no to her and to make plans that didn't involve her. During our year as a couple I had seriously been thinking about breaking up with her like two times before I actually did it, but I could never do it. Because I loved her and she was the perfect girlfriend when she was happy and all was well. But every time that I told her how I felt she always reminded me of how unloved she felt and how my mistake that led to her anxiety was something to really be upset about. And I believed her every time and apologized. And every time we had a talk like that I begged her to get some kind of help for her anxiety. Yoga. Painting. A therapist. Anything. It went so far that I had to put it upon myself to get help, even though I never got around to it. Because one day I had enough. We had just had a week of small arguments almost every day when she one day got anxiety and said that I didn't love her and had ditched her to be with friends that evening, while she was alone at home feeling sad and unloved, wanting to die. I told her that i could cancel my plans but she insisted I should meet them because otherwise she would feel worse about herself for "forcing me to be with her". Then the blame kept coming and I cancelled my plans went to her place and broke it off. I had reached my breaking point. Always being the reason for her anxiety. Always being the only thing that could sooth her. I felt awful about breaking up with her, but I realized that all this pressure made me unhappy and sad. So I felt that I had to break up with her... I haven't felt good since then and whenever I do I hate myself for it. I feel like I abandoned someone who needs me. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I don't deserve peace or happiness. So I've been googling a lot, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. But the more I google the worse I feel. The more I read about anxiety and how it affects people and relationships, the more I feel like I gave up too soon. The more I read about how she behaved in the relationship the more I feel like I could have done more for her, put up some boundaries or being more harsh. The more I read about codependent relationships, the more I start to understand what we had and maybe how we could have changed that. Simply put: the more I google and think about it, the more I wish I had googled earlier, the more I wish I had known these things before I broke up with her, the more I wish things could have been different. Because I love her, even to this day. I just felt that the relationship took it's toll on me and that I one day caved in from all the pressure, blame and shame... And I don't know what to do. I can't stop hating myself and I can't help thinking about her every day. I have a hard time focusing in school and I feel no joy towards anything. I tell myself I deserve to feel like this. And maybe I do. This is only my side of things. Her perspective is probably different. Maybe I was an awful boyfriend? Maybe I handled her anxiety and depression wrong? Maybe breaking up was a mistake? I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just felt like I had to tell my story and feelings to someone who doesn't know me and tells me what I want to hear. So thank you for reading, stranger. I'm sorry for the long post and sorry for sounding so indecisive. I'm just feeling lost in my feelings and in life... because I'm happy that I broke it off, while hating myself for it and missing her like nothing else every single day... Link to comment
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