Feeling awful after breaking up with girlfriend

[1994]

Hi, everyone. Didn't know what else to do but just throw my feeling out here. And I'm sorry for writing such a long post (and english is not my first language, so excuse my bad grammar), but I've been feeling so sad, anxious and unable to concentrate properly in school and at work lately.

 

It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend over a month ago. It wasn't planned. It was a heat of the moment-scenario. One day I just felt I had enough. Enough of the guilt and shame. So I felt like I had to break up.

 

She suffers from depression and anxiety, something she always had been open and honest about with me since we first started dating. I had no prior experience of dealing with mental illness before but she said that she had been dealing with it for seven years and that she took medication for it, so I felt no reason to worry about it. She seemed to have it under control and she was so confident and charming and interested in me that I fell head over heals for her. So after 4 months of dating we officially became a couple and everything felt great.

 

One month into our relationship her depression and anxiety started to show up. And in the beginning it was fine. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. Hold her. Comfort her. Listen. But more and more frequent she started to blame me for the anxiety attacks. It was always because of something I had done. It could be everything from things like that I had the wrong tone when we spoke over the phone, to me not buying her gifts more often or me not being grateful enough for a present she gotten me. Sometimes I actually did something stupid, like making a stupid joke on her behalf or not buying her flowers for our six month anniversary. I wasn't a perfect boyfriend and I deserved some blame for her anxiety from time to time, but I did my best every day to NOT be the reason for her anxiety. So much to the point that i stopped doing a lot of the things that made her upset and a lot of stuff that made me happy. If she got upset over me making plans with my friends on a day that she thought we were going to hang out, then I stopped making plans with friends (unless I knew she had other plans that day that didn't involve me). If she thought I wasn't telling her that I loved her enough, then I started to say it as often as I could. If she thought I didn't sound happy to hear her voice over the phone, then I always made sure my voice sounded cheerful whenever we spoke on the phone (no matter how tired or busy or sad I actually was). Whatever it was that made her upset I took it to heart and did my best to change that behavior for her, because there is nothing worse than hearing from the one that you love the most that they feel neglected, unloved or unappreciated.

 

But sooner or later she would get an anxiety attack over something and whenever she got an anxiety attack she would always tell me that she felt unloved, that I didn't care for her or her well being and I would always feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. I would apologize and promise to change. But after a while I started to feel like the pressure was becoming to big. Always taking the blame and being the reason for her anxiety while also being the only thing/person who could comfort her and make the anxiety go away became a burden. And I started being honest with her. I told her after the attacks that I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, that it felt like she was actively looking for things to blame me for, that I was afraid to say no to her and to make plans that didn't involve her. During our year as a couple I had seriously been thinking about breaking up with her like two times before I actually did it, but I could never do it. Because I loved her and she was the perfect girlfriend when she was happy and all was well. But every time that I told her how I felt she always reminded me of how unloved she felt and how my mistake that led to her anxiety was something to really be upset about. And I believed her every time and apologized. And every time we had a talk like that I begged her to get some kind of help for her anxiety. Yoga. Painting. A therapist. Anything. It went so far that I had to put it upon myself to get help, even though I never got around to it. Because one day I had enough.

 

We had just had a week of small arguments almost every day when she one day got anxiety and said that I didn't love her and had ditched her to be with friends that evening, while she was alone at home feeling sad and unloved, wanting to die. I told her that i could cancel my plans but she insisted I should meet them because otherwise she would feel worse about herself for "forcing me to be with her". Then the blame kept coming and I cancelled my plans went to her place and broke it off. I had reached my breaking point. Always being the reason for her anxiety. Always being the only thing that could sooth her. I felt awful about breaking up with her, but I realized that all this pressure made me unhappy and sad. So I felt that I had to break up with her...

 

I haven't felt good since then and whenever I do I hate myself for it. I feel like I abandoned someone who needs me. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I don't deserve peace or happiness. So I've been googling a lot, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. But the more I google the worse I feel. The more I read about anxiety and how it affects people and relationships, the more I feel like I gave up too soon. The more I read about how she behaved in the relationship the more I feel like I could have done more for her, put up some boundaries or being more harsh. The more I read about codependent relationships, the more I start to understand what we had and maybe how we could have changed that. Simply put: the more I google and think about it, the more I wish I had googled earlier, the more I wish I had known these things before I broke up with her, the more I wish things could have been different. Because I love her, even to this day. I just felt that the relationship took it's toll on me and that I one day caved in from all the pressure, blame and shame...

 

And I don't know what to do. I can't stop hating myself and I can't help thinking about her every day. I have a hard time focusing in school and I feel no joy towards anything. I tell myself I deserve to feel like this. And maybe I do. This is only my side of things. Her perspective is probably different. Maybe I was an awful boyfriend? Maybe I handled her anxiety and depression wrong? Maybe breaking up was a mistake? I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just felt like I had to tell my story and feelings to someone who doesn't know me and tells me what I want to hear. So thank you for reading, stranger. I'm sorry for the long post and sorry for sounding so indecisive. I'm just feeling lost in my feelings and in life... because I'm happy that I broke it off, while hating myself for it and missing her like nothing else every single day...

[Iggy5129]

You did the right thing. She was mentally abusing you. It’s never your fault that someone has a mental illness. And for her to tell you that is way out of line. She sounds selfish. No one can help her but her. She needs to figure this out on her own.

 

Never allow yourself to be someone’s punching bag. Give yourself time to grieve the relationship. It’s natural to be sad after a break up. But do not doubt yourself. You definitely did the right thing for yourself.

[1994]

Thank you for reading and writing. I really appreciate it. I just want to clarify, without trying to defend her, that she didn't blame me for her anxiety in general, just the attacks. She also was very appreciative of how I took care of her when the anxiety cooled down. I didn't mean to paint her as a monster, and I'm not saying that you imply that. I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't always a punching bag. She was absolutely amazing otherwise which made the situation so much more difficult and my feelings of worthlessness worse every time I made her sad.

[nutbrownhare]

The only reason you stayed in this relationship for as long as you did was precisely because you ARE a caring person, earnestly trying to do your best against impossible odds. There's nothing you can do to help someone who isn't prepared to help themselves, and by leaving her she MIGHT just be motivated enough to get professional help. She certainly wouldn't have done that if you'd stuck around, and the emotional abuse she was heaping on you would have escalated in time.

 

For what it's worth, using you as a scapegoat instead of taking responsibility for her own feelings wouldn't have done her any good at all, let alone you.

 

The only person who can handle her depression and anxiety is her; you can't deal with it any more than you can sleep or eat for her, and it's important to realise this, and where your power and responsibility begin and end.

 

To put it another way... her depression and anxiety is her problem. She's the one who needs to get professional help to do so. You were completely out of your depth. However, your feelings of guilt - totally undeserved guilt as you know you did your best - are your problem, and if I were you I'd throw them overboard pronto.

 

If you find you can't shake off these feelings of worthlessness, consider going into therapy yourself. On some level you have been traumatised by this relationship; she was determined to control you on every level imaginable, and these "controlling victim" types can be absolutely toxic - all the more so since vulnerable people feel so very sorry for them.

[1994]

Thank you for taking time to read and reply. I guess you are right and I certainly do hope she finally decides to get help. I'm just afraid that it's part of her illness to not being able to see how her illness affects others around her (as she might see everything black/white or with/against her) and also not having the strength to get help (her depression and anxiety made her very tired and unable to do mentally exhausting things from time to time, like getting help or looking for an apartment for example). That's why I feel it being so hard to let go of her and the guilt, because I can't imagine her getting help without someones help. And that someone was me.

 

I also don't feel like she actively wanted to control me. She just knew exactly what she felt she needed and made me aware of that. And when I was unable to provide it she let her negative emotions get the better of her. I don't think her behavior was intentional or that she wanted to manipulate or control me. She was the most understanding and loving girlfriend when everything was fine. I just think her anxiety and depression made her unable to see my intentions and only my actions. So when she wanted the comfort of my voice and I sounded anything less than loving and caring she took it as a sign that i didn't love or care for her. And she let me know how that made her feel worse.

 

Once again, I'm not defending her, I'm just trying to make you understand why I can't let go of the thought of her. Because in some ways I feel like she can't be blamed for that it ended or how she behaved. Not even for not getting help. Because I think that her illness might make everything harder for her and she can't really see it. Either that or I'm putting to much thought into her illness and not enough on that she is responsible for herself... i don't know...

[nutbrownhare]

From what you've put here, there's more to her condition than depression and anxiety... whatever, you're way out of your depth.

 

Have another look at this statement, too:

I can't imagine her getting help without someones help. And that someone was me.

 

But by your own admission, she DIDN'T get help when you two were together. As I say, if these feelings persist, go and seek professional help for yourself. It sounds as though you had a 'rescuer's' fantasy, of being the one who would heal this girl, and are slipping into despair when you realise the fantasy isn't going to be fulfilled. You also need to do more work around boundaries - knowing where you finish and the other person starts - as it sounds as though these are very blurred at the moment. And that isn't healthy.

[1994]

Okay. I will try to get help. I've been reading a lot about being in codependent relationships and being a codependent/caretaker and I realize that that is what I became and still am. I understand that is something I have to work on and I will. Thank you once again.

[nutbrownhare]

Good luck with all this, 1994! A good start would be to give yourself the same kindness and forgiveness which you were willing to give her!

[1994]

Okay, so I know I haven't gotten around to getting help for myself yet, but I will as soon as I'm able. But something happened this weekend and I want some thought on how to handle it. So I was out with a friend this Saturday when my ex, the one from the original post, texted me and wrote some horrible stuff. Not horrible in the way of abuse, but she asked me all these stuff I've already tried to explain to her, and it made me feel horrible. "Why haven't you been in touch? You don't even miss me? You were my everything and I was nothing to you? I still wait for you to call and tell me you regret it". And the small feeling of selfworth I've been building up since first posting here all went away. And I don't know what to do know. Some of my friends say to stick to the no contact-way of handling this, while some say that I should write one FINAL text explaining that it will never be us again. Personally, I don't mind doing either, I just want her to move on and if texting her helps that then I want to do it. If NC helps her better than I'd be happy to do that. Does anyone have experience of being her in this situation? Or me? Am I to stubborn? Should I get back with her? On some conditions of course. I don't know, this just came out of nowhere and messed my brain up again...

[nutbrownhare]

"Why haven't you been in touch? You don't even miss me? You were my everything and I was nothing to you? I still wait for you to call and tell me you regret it".

 

This is horribly manipulative, and, frankly you need it like a hole in the head. You have a number of options here:

 

- get back with her, which will ensure she doesn't get the help she needs and will likely cause you a whole pile of emotional problems, too.

 

- engage with her in the form of a final text, which will raise her hopes when she sees you've replied, only to dash them down again, so she'll respond again and you're back on a merry-go-round.

 

- take the view that you've seen her face to face to end the relationship, she knows exactly where she stands, and to engage any further with her will pull the scabs off any healing either of you have managed to do. And maintain your NC.

 

I know which I'd do.

[1994]

I know I should stick to NC. Deep down I do. But a part of me is afraid that I haven't been clear enough. That maybe some of what I've said or written to her has come out wrong and made her feel like there might still be a chance for us. And if there is anything I DON'T want to do is to make it look like I'm toying with her emotions by not being clear enough (unintentionally of course), since she can't really handle her emotions very well. I just hate being the bad guy in all of this, when all I wanted for her in the relationship was to be there for her and be the one she needed. And now I just made her feel worse. So a part of me wants to explain everything one last time, even though I know it will all make everything worse again...

[nutbrownhare]

I know I should stick to NC. Deep down I do. But a part of me is afraid that I haven't been clear enough. That maybe some of what I've said or written to her has come out wrong and made her feel like there might still be a chance for us. And if there is anything I DON'T want to do is to make it look like I'm toying with her emotions by not being clear enough (unintentionally of course), since she can't really handle her emotions very well. I just hate being the bad guy in all of this, when all I wanted for her in the relationship was to be there for her and be the one she needed. And now I just made her feel worse. So a part of me wants to explain everything one last time, even though I know it will all make everything worse again...

 

As you see fit...

[Radiate21]

1994, my relationship with my ex that ended a couple of weeks ago sounds incredibly similar to your relationship with your ex girlfriend. I, too, struggle with anxiety and depression, and it was worsened by my ex boyfriend leaving me and coming back several times throughout our 3-year relationship. As devastated as I am that he ended things (I even sent him a similar text asking how this is so easy for him, which I feel bad about), I know that it was the right thing to do. I in no way regret the last year that we had together but if I am to look at our relationship honestly, we never should have gotten back together after he shattered my heart in pieces. The trust never came back, and everything just got worse.

 

Please listen to me as someone who has a couple of years on you in a relationship with the same dynamic. DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER. You're missing her and the love is still there. I get it. But any inkling of you wanting to get back together with her is just your grief talking. Someone like me (and her) who struggles with anxiety and depression cannot recover from the breach of trust that heartbreak causes. Think about the anxiety that she had with you before. Now multiply that by 100. That is what will happen within a few months of you going back to her. Your voice not sounding quite right, the reassurance being just a little off, that will just become amplified. You left her. How can she ever trust you'll stay the next time? I never did, and I became a version of myself that I refuse to ever see again.

 

AND PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF G-D DO NOT CONTACT HER. If my ex were to respond to any of my texts I would honestly just be devastated. Do not give her any shreds of hope. She will learn with time that she needs to find closure on her own and that it will never come from you. She will learn to take control of her own emotions without you. Honestly, do not worry about her. She will be okay. The pain of this breakup will be enough to spur her into action, I'm almost sure of it. You have no responsibility to text her, and doing so would undoubtedly make things worse. With time, she will forgive you, and she will gain clarity. She will look back and recognize how wonderfully you treated her and how hard you tried to be there for her. But, right now, she will not see that no matter what you say.

 

Hang in there, 1994. All will be okay.

[1994]

With time, she will forgive you, and she will gain clarity. She will look back and recognize how wonderfully you treated her and how hard you tried to be there for her. But, right now, she will not see that no matter what you say.

 

Thank you for reading and taking the time to write. I really appreciate hearing from the other side of this situation, since no one I've talked to has been able to see it from her perspective which has made it harder for me to take their opinions to heart. So thank you, Radiate21.

 

I hope that you are right and I promise that I won't contact her. I realize that that would only be harmful for both of us, even if I would want nothing more than for her to understand how I feel now and how I felt in the relationship, since she never seemed to have understood that before and sees this breakup as me just giving up out of nowhere. Because if she doesn't understand then I'm afraid she never will forgive and she will never get help. I remember her talking about some of her exes and how they never actually cared for her and just left her or cheated on her. And although I never cheated, even though she sometimes worried I did, I feel like I'll be one of those exes she always will resent for leaving her out of nowhere, without asking herself why. As if everyone either is with her to the end or hate her guts. She never talked about people as anything else than either good or bad. And I could live with it, being a bad guy even if it makes me feel awful, as long as it makes her move on in life. But I'm afraid that she won't get help if she doesn't understand why I left and just keeps seeing me as someone who betrayed her.

 

And I know we can't get back together. I understand that know. But when she texts me telling me things like this it makes me wonder if my view on us actually was wrong and that I gave up too soon. That I were the problem by not being a supportive enough boyfriend. That I should take her back because she deserved better from me...

[Radiate21]

Because if she doesn't understand then I'm afraid she never will forgive and she will never get help. I remember her talking about some of her exes and how they never actually cared for her and just left her or cheated on her. And although I never cheated, even though she sometimes worried I did, I feel like I'll be one of those exes she always will resent for leaving her out of nowhere, without asking herself why. As if everyone either is with her to the end or hate her guts. She never talked about people as anything else than either good or bad. And I could live with it, being a bad guy even if it makes me feel awful, as long as it makes her move on in life. But I'm afraid that she won't get help if she doesn't understand why I left and just keeps seeing me as someone who betrayed her.

It's devastating to feel like someone we love will never forgive us. Ultimately, that forgiveness will have to come from her and will not come from anything that you say to her.

 

How old are both of you? Sometimes it takes a lot of negative experiences before someone with that victim mentality starts to realize that they're the common denominator of all of their suffering. In her case, I suppose it's possible that she hasn't gotten there yet, and that she will continue to blame others for her problems for more time as you fear. But, I don't have any doubts that EVENTUALLY she will realize that her anxiety pushes others away, and that she needs to take responsibility for her own part in her relationships in order to begin cultivating healthier ones.

 

I had that over-sensitive victim mindset in high school, and lost my best friends because of it. At the time, one of them tried to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me but that my insecurities led to a vicious cycle of our friends respecting me less and less and not wanting to be around me anymore. Of course, nothing that she said made me feel any better. I thought that they were all huge bullies and horrible people, and also thought that there was something horribly wrong with me.

 

Once I matured a bit in my first few years of college, I came to view the whole experience in a different light. I still struggled with my insecurities with my ex but I was always aware of the facts: That I'm insecure, that my anxiety is my own problem, that he was always trying his best, that he just wasn't that guy who was going to be able to work with my insecurities (and that I wasn't ready for that guy if it were him anyway). So, because of that, we were able to break up both knowing deep down that both of us forgive one another. That forgiveness that I feel for my ex doesn't come from anything that he said to me, but from my own experiences and my own self-awareness.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that it's out of your power to make your ex realize that she needs to get help, and that you tried your best, that you didn't just abandon her because you don't care or because there's something wrong with her. She has to come to these conclusions on her own, and even if it doesn't happen from this singular experience , I think it will eventually. If she's in as much pain as I am, this will probably be enough to plunge her into some deep self-reflection. It sounds like you really had an impact on her, and the deeper the impact the more she will learn and the wiser she will be because of it.

[1994]

I'm 23 and she is 22, so we're both very young, I'm aware of that. But in some ways it makes it so much harder for me. For breaking her heart so early, when she doesn't have much else (or at least not any better past relationship) to compare too makes it probably harder on her...

 

And I understand her victim mentality because I know what she's been through, and she has for the majority of her life actually been a victim with bullying and a bad relationship with her mom and so on and so on, so I'm afraid it'll take more than this breakup to make her realize that just in this case neither she nor me were victims, just not right for each other...

[Radiate21]

I'm 23 and she is 22, so we're both very young, I'm aware of that. But in some ways it makes it so much harder for me. For breaking her heart so early, when she doesn't have much else (or at least not any better past relationship) to compare too makes it probably harder on her...

 

And I understand her victim mentality because I know what she's been through, and she has for the majority of her life actually been a victim with bullying and a bad relationship with her mom and so on and so on, so I'm afraid it'll take more than this breakup to make her realize that just in this case neither she nor me were victims, just not right for each other...

 

I understand. You are an empathetic person with so much good in your heart. It is clear that you did not leave her with malicious intentions. You left her as responsibly as you could given the circumstances and have done all in your power to help her.

 

She is very young. Likely she has at least one other person to lean on during this breakup. Please do not put the burden entirely on yourself.

 

One of my best friends struggles with codependency. She read a book about it and said that it was very eye-opening for her, and she is now in a much healthier romantic relationship. Perhaps you'd benefit from reading about codependency? I am not suggesting that you have a problem, but I want you to understand that burdening yourself with other people's problems to this extent is not fair to yourself.

[1994]

I've been reading a lot about codependency since the breakup and it both soothes me and breaks my heart to realize that that is what I probably suffer from. Realizing that makes it easier for me to understand why I felt like I did and why I decided to break up, because it differs from knowing that I couldn't deal with her anxiety and to know that, in reality, I too became mentally ill (if I maybe not already was ill beforehand).

 

But it also makes my heart break all the more, because it puts a lot of "what if"-scenarios in my head. What if I'd realized this earlier when we still were together? What if I'd just realized this earlier then I maybe could've put up more boundaries and stopped feeling like a punching bag because of her, and instead because of myself and my illness? Maybe I could have made efforts to get help for myself and maybe she'd realize that she needed help as well? Maybe it'd make her more aware of how her illness affected me and made her want to make a change, if not for herself but for me and for us? Maybe she just needed that push that this realization has given me?

 

But then again, I maybe just relate a lot to the traits of a codependent person... I don't have any diagnosis or anything (yet), so it might just be me trying to find consolation in something...

[Radiate21]

I think all of your thoughts are normal but not necessarily reflective of reality. That's what I've been telling myself about all of mine. The what-ifs are just self-torture. What happened happened and it's what would have happened no matter what. Just keep telling yourself that. My ex and I tried so many times to give our relationship another chance, and nothing ever changed. It's so hard to break out of a relationship dynamic once it's been established. Maybe impossible. Sometimes it's better to open yourself up to something new rather than to hurt yourself trying to pick of the pieces of something that's already broken.

[1994]

I've had a rough day today and I totally messed up and checked her Instagram and there were some heartbreaking pictures there that just made me cry. She looked so sad and empty and I know it is because of me and I know it was stupid of me to go there but I did and now I'm back on my knees again. I don't understand how people can break up with someone and just move on, because for me it's hell on earth. I've never felt worse in my entire life..

 

Radiate21, or anyone who ever broke up with someone and then got back together, how did you/your partner go about it? Did it work? How do they/you forgive and forget and promise to be better? How do you deal with your partners friends and family who will probably hate your guts from now on? Is it ever possible for it to get better?

[Radiate21]

1994...I'm having a terrible day, too. Just had a nice cry at work. I went to delete one of his friends from FB in case he ever posted something involving my ex, and I saw that he recently added one of the girls from my ex's work that he had a crush on during one of our breakup phases. Which means they've all been hanging out together. It's just awful and really set me back.

 

Anyway, most of the times I begged for him back until he took me...basically was able to convince him, which is a horrible way to get back together with someone. Then there was one time, the time we were apart for the longest (3ish months) when he came back to school from summer vacation and called me asking to have dinner, bought us a bottle of wine, and asked to go back to my place and asked for me back. I took him back immediately. I always did and probably still would, unfortunately.

 

I don't know...we both said a lot of things in terms of forgiving/forgetting but it was all BS. We tried doing weekly check-ins, going to therapy, just a lot of stuff that was futile. We made a lot of promises about communicating better, being honest with one another, changing, etc. He promised me that after having time to reflect he had a new view on relationships and realized he wants to make it work with me. It's all hard to think about now. None of it really meant anything.

 

She will never trust you again. I promise.

[1994]

She will never trust you again. I promise.

 

And I know I don't deserve her trust...

 

It's just hard this whole situation. And I guess not a lot of people can relate to it. Most people are here to grieve over being dumped, not looking for help for the awful feelings that come with being the one who broke up. Knowing that you are the one who gave up. Knowing that you are the reason for all the heartbreak, both yours and hers.

 

After I broke up I was so sure it was the right thing to do. We met and talked about it two times, we texted a lot, and I stood by my choice, but then I told her that to keep having contact would only do more harm than good. And she listened at first. But then she breaks NC after more than a month and I regret everything. All I've been able to think about since Saturday is all the good times we had as a couple, as if everything I wrote in my original post never happened. All I've been thinking about is how I could have done more. How I gave up. How I'm an awful person who neither deserves to move on nor deserve to get her back. I'm stuck in a limbo between wanting her back (since she deserved better from me) and not wanting her back (since she deserves someone who she can trust). Me I just feel like I deserve nothing...

 

And I'm not writing this to get sympathy or because I need someone to make up my mind for me. I'm writing this because I've seen a lot of posts here where people just assume that their exes who dumped them are evil liars and cheats who now are living their dreams, feeding on your heartbreak. Some s might be like that, but then there are people like me, who deserves the same amount of hate, but who actually struggles just as much as the ones who's gotten dumped.

[Radiate21]

And I know I don't deserve her trust...

 

And I guess not a lot of people can relate to it. Most people are here to grieve over being dumped, not looking for help for the awful feelings that come with being the one who broke up.

 

I have similar thoughts. I think this is common. Feeling like no one can possibly relate to what you're going through, it's different for you, nothing anyone says applies because they could just never understand. That's a huge reason why I feel no better after reading people's kind words and advice. They don't understand how great he was. They don't understand the connection we had. Nothing they say could possibly apply to me.

 

But, I think that in reality the pain that all of us here on ENA are experiencing is very similar, if not in the details then in the essence of it. We all grew very attached to someone who we gave our hearts to, and we are all experiencing the grief of losing that connection. I know it doesn't feel like it, but the people who are speaking to you on here really do have an idea of what they're talking about and they really can empathize with what you are going through. Know that you are not alone, and others feel you.

 

I'm stuck in a limbo between wanting her back (since she deserved better from me) and not wanting her back (since she deserves someone who she can trust). Me I just feel like I deserve nothing...

I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug!! You are beating up on yourself so much. What is all this nonsense talk of what you deserve!?! You're 23 years old. Please stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have the whole relationship thing figured out. You need to move forward with assurance that in the past, you did what you felt was best at the time, knowing what you knew. What else can anyone do?

 

If you want to talk about "deserving," you do deserve love. You do deserve a happy relationship. You deserve happiness. You deserve to forgive yourself. You deserve to grow wiser because of this heartbreak, and you deserve to move on.

 

I didn't say that she will never trust you again to make you feel bad about yourself!! I said that to extinguish any fantastical hope that you have in your mind of creating a perfect relationship with her. It will not happen. And in order to move on and feel happy again, you need to learn to let go of that idea. Of course you will love again and of course you will find someone else who is a better match for you. That is all certain

[1994]

If you want to talk about "deserving," you do deserve love. You do deserve a happy relationship. You deserve happiness. You deserve to forgive yourself. You deserve to grow wiser because of this heartbreak, and you deserve to move on.

 

I appreciate the kind words and positivity. I really do. Thank you, Radiate21.

 

But I've come to a conclusion that love and relationships just aren't for me. There's a song by Passion Pit that sums it up pretty well:

 

Love is just greed and selfishness.

 

I'm not all a love-Grinch though, I'm really happy for people who find love and has it all worked out for them. I really am. Love is beautiful when it works. But I've given up on it. I don't see the point in it. At least not for me. And this realization has given me the most comfort out of anything so far. So I'm sticking to it. I'm not moving on. Because there's nothing to move on to.