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Moving too fast versus moving too slow


EndlessNemesis

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I have been dating this girl for the last 5 weeks, we have been on 5 dates and slept together 3 times. I really like this girl, we seem to have lots in common and I enjoy spending time with her.

 

With my last relationship, things became far to intense too quickly and as a result it burned out after just a few months with the girl telling me she was confused/needed space, resulting in me walking away and never looking back.

 

This time around I was determined to take things more slowly, dating once a week and not blowing up her phone with texts and calls in between dates. In fact on our last date we even discussed how important it is in relationships to each have your own friends and activities separate from each other. It seemed as though we were both on the same page with a fairly good balance of me and her initiating contact.

 

I went out with her last week for dinner and we had a good time, it ended with her inviting me back to her place and we had sex and I stayed until the morning. I text her a bit later that day saying that I had a good time with her, she took about 8 hours to respond but said she also had a good time and asked how my day had been. I replied and asked if she had a fun day off work, I never got a reply... I didn't text again and I didn't hear anything more from her for 3 days. On the third day she text me asking how my day had been, I told her that it was good and I was out for drinks for a friends birthday - I asked if she was having a fun weekend... No reply.

 

It's now been another 2 days since I've heard from her, I want to arrange another date but don't know if I should contact her since she hasn't replied to my last two texts. I really can't tell if her lack of communication is due to lack of interest or if she is holding back for some reason?

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Based on your description, I don't think that the amount of contact or dates is a problem. I question if it's the content?

 

Do you primary text? Or do you call too? I know texting is the way of the world now - but it's really low-effort (you can easily multi-task at the same time) and it's hard to develop a real connection over text.

 

Also - are your dates just dinner and sex? Or do you do other activities together? Dinner and sex is great every once in a while, but it gets pretty boring if there's no other substance to the dates (and only texting in between)

 

Finally - and this is just a pet peeve of mine - I hate "did you have fun on your day off" and "did you have fun on the weekend" texts. It's lazy. I feel like it's putting the onus back on her to start the conversation because you can't find anything better to say. (which can feel like work after a while - and it''s boring). Also - not all days off or weekends are exciting or chat-worthy. Sometimes you just Netflix-binge a show or do errands, yanno? It's not always exciting - and maybe I don't WANT to talk about that. It can also feel like someone is checking up on you.

 

Maybe none of the above applies to your situation - only you can decide. But I don't think the amount of dates (once a week) is the problem. She is either flakey or losing interest. (The losing interest could have nothing to do with you). I think it's time to shake things up a bit.

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I know this is probably not what you want to hear but to me from what you're decribing it doesn't actually sound like this girl is that into you. I think the pace you were going at is fine in the early stages of dating and it is good to take it slow at first. However I just know from experience that if someone is really interested in you, it will be obvious and will not seem "half baked". I've been dating a guy I've actually fallen in love with for five weeks and I really liked him straight away so I've been talking to him a lot on text and social media and seeing him 2-3 times a week. We recently just said that we're in a relationship on Facebook. I think after five weeks if this girl really liked you then the relationship would start to get more serious, not less. It's good to take it slow but if she hardly contacts you first and takes three days to reply then I don't think that's a good sign. She also doesn't actually sound that interested in making a date with you if it's been like a week at this point since you saw each other and she takes so long to reply and doesn't say much when she does reply. I think maybe you should just ask her what she's looking for, just sex or does she see this becoming a relationship? I think if she's not acting that keen then maybe don't waste your time.

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So here's another take. After like a month with my girlfriend and texting constantly there were a couple of weeks where I didn't hear from her much. She always said she was really overwhelmed because I was so different than her ex and she had to process that and since then we never looked back till now. What happened was she spent a weekend with her ex. I have no clue what's going on in your case but the diminished contact sounds familiar.

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Maybe she senses you're holding back because of what happened during your last relationship. Perhaps you have an emotional barrier that she feels is a bit cold. Since you like her, I'd end your once a week rule and go with the flow. What works or doesn't work with one relationship doesn't mean it will be the same for every relationship. It's not "one size fits all." When I dated my husband, we started out seeing each other two or even three times a week and spoke daily on the phone. We're still together after 7 years.

 

Be your genuine self and operate in the way it feels right for this relationship. Don't be carrying around stinky garbage from your past that will muck up something new. Yes, it's good to lead independent lives, and always make time for friends and hobbies. But at this point, maybe she thinks you're not as invested as you actually are, because you're acting from a place of fear and it shows. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Thank you for all of your advice, I do agree that I am probably coming from a place of fear - especially after what happened in my last relationship.

 

Maybe I should be making more effort to communicate with her and make plans to see her more often. I just don't want her to feel like I'm clingy or she is losing her freedom.

 

I feel a bit anxious with girls I really like, I tend on focus on my perceived inadequacies. In a way it is good because when I meet someone I like it motivates me to improve myself.

 

In any case I feel that just completely ignoring my texts for days is really not a good sign and actually quite rude. That doesn't seem like something you would do if you genuinely liked someone, so maybe she is just using me as a temporary distraction until someone better comes along. It doesn't really inspire me with confidence to ask her out again.

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Ignoring the texts might be a passive-aggressive anger issue because maybe she's thinking you're using her for sex and it's not becoming a substantial relationship. Maybe because you were out having fun on the weekend without her, which is fine if you'd also made time to have fun with her on one of those days, and asking her if she was having fun was like a slap in the face if she'd expected an invite for that time period. After having sex with someone three times, I'd assume I'd like him enough that I'd want to hear his voice at least once a day and want him to make me feel assured he thought I was someone special to him.

 

Only time and communication will help you understand what's going on.

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