Boyfriend's Mom is a Worry Wart

[JennyPio20]

I've been with this guy for a little over a year and so far everything's been great. But I have a minor issue with his mom constantly messaging/texting/calling him while we're out. I can sort of understand this since we're both still young and attending our final year of college. He says she developed this when his father died a few months before we got together. She still hasn't gotten over his death until now. Whenever he doesn't reply to her messages or calls within a certain time frame (around an hour or so) she says she starts hyperventilating and having panic attacks. This doesn't just apply to when he's out but in periodic intervals throughout the whole day. Literally no exceptions barring class time and sleeping. Not even when we're out on special occasions. It's disconcerting when we're out for the day and in the middle of conversation he excuses himself because he needs to reply to her. I understand that she most likely has an actual anxiety issue due to the unforeseen loss of her husband not too long ago. I've asked him if he would ever want her to stop and he says he's wanted it every day and he's already asked her to before, but she repeats that she has panic attacks when she doesn't do it and can't calm down. I also recently asked him what he'd do if down the line in 10 years when he has a stable job and lives on his own, but his mom still keeps doing it. He replied that he won't sit her down and set boundaries or try to persuade her to get some help for it. Since he understands that it comes from trauma from his father's death. This is concerning to hear for me because it sounds like he's giving too much rationalization and justification to his mother's actions using his father's death and won't even consider finding any wrong in them or see them as overbearing. Though it sounds like he's a mama's boy, he's not particularly attached to her. It's just that he doesn't want her to have that anxiety and panic attacks, and so he indulges it. I understand I've only been a part of his life for a short while and it's not my place to judge their family, but I can't help worrying over this lately since it's starting to affect my feelings more and more as well. Am I being insensitive?

[MissCanuck]

I've been with this guy for a little over a year and so far everything's been great. But I have a minor issue with his mom constantly messaging/texting/calling him while we're out. I can sort of understand this since we're both still young and attending our final year of college. He says she developed this when his father died a few months before we got together. She still hasn't gotten over his death until now. Whenever he doesn't reply to her messages or calls within a certain time frame (around an hour or so) she says she starts hyperventilating and having panic attacks. This doesn't just apply to when he's out but in periodic intervals throughout the whole day. Literally no exceptions barring class time and sleeping. Not even when we're out on special occasions. It's disconcerting when we're out for the day and in the middle of conversation he excuses himself because he needs to reply to her. I understand that she most likely has an actual anxiety issue due to the unforeseen loss of her husband not too long ago. I've asked him if he would ever want her to stop and he says he's wanted it every day and he's already asked her to before, but she repeats that she has panic attacks when she doesn't do it and can't calm down. I also recently asked him what he'd do if down the line in 10 years when he has a stable job and lives on his own, but his mom still keeps doing it. He replied that he won't sit her down and set boundaries or try to persuade her to get some help for it. Since he understands that it comes from trauma from his father's death. This is concerning to hear for me because it sounds like he's giving too much rationalization and justification to his mother's actions using his father's death and won't even consider finding any wrong in them or see them as overbearing. Though it sounds like he's a mama's boy, he's not particularly attached to her. It's just that he doesn't want her to have that anxiety and panic attacks, and so he indulges it. I understand I've only been a part of his life for a short while and it's not my place to judge their family, but I can't help worrying over this lately since it's starting to affect my feelings more and more as well. Am I being insensitive?

 

This is going to be a problem. He is enabling her behaviour and it will continue, and likely get worse.

 

You are not being insensitive. It is clear his mother needs help, and it's not the kind of help your boyfriend can provide. She has had a significant trauma and he's actually making it worse by enabling her. The kindest and most loving thing he could do is arrange grief and bereavement counseling for her. All he is doing by responding every time she panics to put a Band-Aid on a gushing wound. It's not helping the underlying grief and pain.

 

I would be honest that this all concerns you very much. But at the end of the day, if he is unwilling to set boundaries or try to seek out real help for her, you might need to walk away from this. They have a dynamic going that is interfering in his life; you can be sympathetic, as I am sure you are, but you also cannot be expected to be fine with this and go along with it every time. It's not realistic.

[JennyPio20]

Thank you for your reply. Sadly I don't think he sees how disruptive it is for her to keep doing that or how it's an issue. How can I make him see that what she does is more than just innocuous texting and checking up on him? The way he sees it it's me getting frustrated and hurt over innocent 5 second messages vs. keeping his mother calm and rational, and can't see why I'm having such an issue over it when his mother's peace of mind hangs in the balance.