Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Hi I've never used a forum before but I'm so confused and not sure what to do about my problem, basically my boyfriend and I are each others firsts and we've been going out for 2 years (age 18-19) And we nearly broke up last night because for months I kept finding out he's been watching live porn and we had a conversation about it a while ago as I nearly broke up with him when I found out that he was not only watching it but paying them money when he couldn't even "afford" to take me out on a date (he never does) I feel sick of it, I think it's wrong and like there's a third person in our relationship but last night he said that the reason he watches it is because it's more real and it's like cheating without cheating and that he doesn't want to leave me but that part of him wants to be single to be "free" and basically experience other things with other people and that that's why he watches the live porn to fulfill that, he also said I can't "take away his freedom" and I understand that as a young boy he'd have urges but I don't know if I should just break up with him he said he wants our relationship to be less serious but what does that mean ? I don't wanna be some idiot with a guy who doesn't give me what I give him, I don't know how to feel, is he a waste or space or ? Pleaseeeeeee help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willdation Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 I would just communicate that you feel cheated on when he watches porn and does that.... Now he did say that he feels you lack any intimacy unless he takes you on a date....That sounds kind of strange....I would ask him to clarify... You can just tell him to wait for you instead of masturbating and you would like to be intimate with him...and he doesnt need to take you out on a date.... If you feel like waiting for sex and are not ready yet, that is perfectly fine.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glitterfingers Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 I certainly think you should break up with him since he told you quite clearly that he's not serious about you and/or doesn't want to be. He's also admitted that he gets a slight rush from the thought of cheating and doing something that he knows he shouldn't be doing in a relationship because he knows it is "against the rules". If you stay, you are basically letting him walk all over you and dictate the rules of your relationship which unfortunately do not include respect for your feelings. Sounds like it's you letting him do what he wants or you better leave. I wouldn't be with someone like that just out of principle, because I'd be constantly upset and feeling like I wasn't good enough or worthwhile as a partner. Nobody deserves that. But that's definitely not uncommon for young guys - a lot of them really suck at relationships and thinking about things from their partner's perspective ...but so do women your age, it's all meant to be a learning experience so you can move on and find a better partner in the future. Most relationships at this age won't last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willdation Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 " He's also admitted that he gets a slight rush from the thought of cheating" I'm not sure where that came from. But if that is from a previous post and he gets a thrill from cheating with another girl, then sure, leave him... However, if you break up just because he masturbated, well, I'm afriad that there is a 99% chance the next guy will be doing the same thing, espcially at the age of 18... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 I don't know if it is my lunch time marley or my glasses that need a clean , but I thought your name was bucket of farts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasedonot5 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 I think it's his freedom to watch pornography, but when it starts taking time and money away from dates with you, that's when it becomes a problem. It isn't invasive to take an issue with him spending his money on live porn, especially if he's not going out on dates with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 As a guy who has no issues watching porn... The live porn thing is not cool. In my mind it isn't the same as just watching videos or something. If he is spending money he doesn't have to fuel a habit that is getting into the realm of an addiction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 At 18/19 yrs of age, this guy is horny as hell! Watching porn is normal for anyone that age. If you cant live with that, then you should break up with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giblesp Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Its not watching porn as such, its interacting with other people via communication. Technically its the same as ringing someone up and having phone sex behind your partners back. In fact it might be worse, as you can actually see the other person. And if he has a cam on him, that's even worse. Perfectly understandable if your not down with this, and there are plenty of men who'd much rather have a young woman in their life as opposed to interacting with strangers on their computer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 I would just communicate that you feel cheated on when he watches porn and does that.... Now he did say that he feels you lack any intimacy unless he takes you on a date....That sounds kind of strange....I would ask him to clarify... You can just tell him to wait for you instead of masturbating and you would like to be intimate with him...and he doesnt need to take you out on a date.... If you feel like waiting for sex and are not ready yet, that is perfectly fine.... That's the thing I don't really care about dates and I don't think he spends money on those websites anymore but just the fact that he doesn't ever take me out or get me presents (not even at my birthday) just sorta says a lot and when we have sex it's really good most of the time and it's either a lot of sex or just periods of no sex and then he watches porn when I go away then we don't have sex when I see him it's all over the place, no consistency and believe me I've told him so many times and before he'd promise he wouldn't do it but has quite a few times since Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 I know it is but he said because I'm the only one he's ever had sex with he feels urges to do it and he says he wants to be with me but part of him wants to not "miss out" on being young, doing stuff with people and it's so hard to hear because he's just started uni and I'm 5 hours away from him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 I know it's so hard tho because part of me gets that because I'm the only one he's ever had sex with and he's a young boy at uni now that he might feel like he's "missing out" and I wish I met him later on in life when we had both done stuff with other people for the sake us staying together but maybe he'll watch this live porn stuff for a while to get over the urge and then grow out of it idk, he said it's so hard for him because that's what he's doing to get rid of urges but that he'd never cheat on me and he said he understands if I don't want to stay with him but that he loves me and he'd never cheat but that he's not perfect, it's hard we've been through so much and now he's at uni it's even harder idk anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 As a guy who has no issues watching porn... The live porn thing is not cool. In my mind it isn't the same as just watching videos or something. If he is spending money he doesn't have to fuel a habit that is getting into the realm of an addiction. Yeah for sure he doesn't spend money on it anymore as far as I'm aware and he said I obsess too much over it but like he used to be addicted to regular porn and would watch it non stop and so obviously this is worse and it made me worried and yeah well that's the point he said he likes it because it feels more real and it's like "trying" without trying in real life which part of me gets but part of me thinks wow am I really not good enough of a real person for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 Its not watching porn as such, its interacting with other people via communication. Technically its the same as ringing someone up and having phone sex behind your partners back. In fact it might be worse, as you can actually see the other person. And if he has a cam on him, that's even worse. Perfectly understandable if your not down with this, and there are plenty of men who'd much rather have a young woman in their life as opposed to interacting with strangers on their computer. Yeah that's what I don't understand like he could have real sex with a real woman and I'm literally into anything and when we do have sex it's really good most of the time but I also thought that he might have felt inferior and needed to feel powerful by watching other women so intimately that arent his girlfriend because our sex is either really good or really bad because a frequent problem he has is cumming too quickly like really quick and then he gets all embarrassed but idk if that has anything to do with it or he just wants to have sex with anyone he sees because he's young and can't I don't know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bucketofoats Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 He also said he's scared he'll marry me someday and regret not having been able to do anything with other people since I took his virginity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasedonot5 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 It looks like he needs time to explore other people before he would be satisfied just being with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glitterfingers Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 " He's also admitted that he gets a slight rush from the thought of cheating" I'm not sure where that came from. But if that is from a previous post and he gets a thrill from cheating with another girl, then sure, leave him... However, if you break up just because he masturbated, well, I'm afriad that there is a 99% chance the next guy will be doing the same thing, espcially at the age of 18... From the OP's own post, for clarification, that was my interpretation of what was written: but last night he said that the reason he watches it is because it's more real and it's like cheating without cheating and that he doesn't want to leave me but that part of him wants to be single to be "free" and basically experience other things with other people and that that's why he watches the live porn to fulfill that, he also said I can't "take away his freedom" To me that says he knows it's not fair on his girlfriend but he wants to have his cake and eat it too when it comes to sexual experiences with other people. As another person has said, it's more than porn - it's cam sex/cyber sex (by the sounds of it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glitterfingers Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 OP, looking at this as objectively as possible, I still think you ought to leave for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you are making excuses for his behaviour because you empathise with him, while also admitting that this behaviour doesn't fly with you and makes you uncomfortable. When we are in love with someone, we tend to make a lot of excuses for their behaviour even if it hurts us, and then get confused as to why we're upset and if we're in the wrong. Perhaps the reason is that you're permitting something that truly goes against your relationship values simply because you care so much about him. In a situation such as this, your best compass is not whether or not it's logical/right, and as you've seen here people will have different opinions on that anyway. The thing to focus on is about how you feel about this. You need to own your feelings because unless you can see your values as a person changing to the point where this doesn't upset you, you're not going to be fully happy in this relationship at this point in time. He is right that you can't change him or take away his freedom. That leads me to the second point. This is in fact normal behaviour for a young guy, and as I previously stated, marks one of the very legitimate reasons that relationships at your age don't work out or lead towards marriage. You can't skip these developmental years. That goes for you also. If we're completely honest, there are probably a whole lot of things you'd be able to do better/more freely if you weren't in a relationship right now. You need to consider whether the next few years are best spent using your time wisely to grow as an individual and experience life, or pining after someone in a relationship that makes you feel incomplete and dissatisfied. I don't expect you to necessarily act on my advice, I just think you need to hear this perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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