Ideas to meet guys?

[mustlovedogs]

You're all making me feel like it's not hopeless! Thank you for that.

 

I know comparison is bad. But I've been insecure lately because I'm approaching two years since my BU and my ex is engaged whereas I'm single.

 

To be fair, engaged doesn't mean happy and I'm honestly the happiest I've ever been. When I met ex, I was woefully insecure and very sad. Now I actually feel more confident than most people I know and my life is going great. It's just this comparison thing... he found someone and I haven't.

 

I know it's dumb!

 

So you guys don't think being plus sized is going to destroy my chances of a love life? I dress flattering and I'm not huge, but definitely overweight...

[Fudgie]

You dress flatteringly - you're already doing better than me. I'm extremely plain looking, don't even really "Try" outside of basic hygiene, and have not had a problem. Heck, most women are overweight these days from what I see when I just look around me at school, the grocery store, whatever.

 

I have no idea how "picky" you are. I consider myself picky in a lot of ways but not really in a looks department. I would just meet people that you have in common with and not worry too much about magical chemistry being felt right away. Admittedly, I met my boyfriend because he checked all the "boxes" on my "list". We really blossomed over time.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, re: your last question, yes, dress well. Fudgie is correct, but I'd add, working out/running and getting in shape doesn't hurt either! The more in shape you are, I bet the better your chances of finding someone.

 

It's one of those uncomfortable truths people generally don't want to talk about, but there, I said it.

[mustlovedogs]

Hey, re: your last question, yes, dress well. Fudgie is correct, but I'd add, working out/running and getting in shape doesn't hurt either! The more in shape you are, I bet the better your chances of finding someone.

 

It's one of those uncomfortable truths people generally don't want to talk about, but there, I said it.

 

Well obviously. But it's a bit annoying when people presume I don't work out or am not in shape. I'm not thin, but I'm strong. It's more a function of dieting which I'm working on (but it's harder than I'd like to admit)

[Batya33]

Well obviously. But it's a bit annoying when people presume I don't work out or am not in shape. I'm not thin, but I'm strong. It's more a function of dieting which I'm working on (but it's harder than I'd like to admit)

 

So for me it was partly about health concerns - my not wanting to date overweight men. I was involved with overweight men including a very obese man who was dieting while we dated. When I dated women who were overweight were at a dating disadvantage at least in my city - I think for whatever reason it was not really a disadvantage in smaller towns/suburbs maybe. Sometimes it was because of health concerns or a presumption that she wouldn't be into hiking/running/exercise but most often it was simply a matter of physical attraction (yes, unfair, yes shallow, yes reality). That's what I was told again and again (I have always been slim -it's in part genetic so I can't really take credit!) by many men. Dieting is extremely hard and I did it in my teens/early 20s and not for good reasons. I've heard the best things about Weight Watchers if that's ok to share. I do agree that you'll greatly increase your chances if you have a slimmer appearance. However, if you decide you're happy with your weight and as you wrote you are strong and healthy then I wouldn't change a thing.

[Pleasedonot5]

That's great on the strength. Respect.

 

In terms of losing weight healthily, there are a lot of fad diets out there, but it's really simply a matter of calories in vs. calories out.

 

At 150 lbs, one mile of walking/running is akin to 100 or so calories out. The heavier someone is, the more calories burned per mile. 3500 calories out per week, and that's one pound less.

 

Of course, and then dieting, stay away from soft drinks and candies with empty sugar, be sure you get enough B vitamins (I use a B100 complex multivitamin, which I get for 8 bucks from Walmart) in the morning to jumpstart your metabolism, and perhaps replace one meal with a salad/soup/fruity meal per day.

 

I hope that helps!

[Fudgie]

I agree with pleasedonot that dieting/exercising is best, of course. Even if you don't lose much weight, you will look more toned. I like the vitamin B supplement suggestion. I take B complex daily in the morning since I am at risk of B12 deficiency and boy, it feels great.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm a little frustrated with the way this thread turned.

 

Obviously being thinner is better. Obviously. My recent question was not if that's the case but rather do I HAVE to lose the weight to have any hopes I find love.

 

I hope you're not implying walking is enough to lose weight. It's not. I spent some time working out almost 10 hours a week. My diet didn't change significantly but I lost maybe 2lbs a month that way. Something. Sure. But I was unemployed. Lots of time.

 

I get the basics of nutrition and dieting. I get the basics of fitness. It's the execution. It's finishing off a 13 hour work day and having the motivation to cook and eat super healthy vs something fast and easy.

 

I did NOT say I'm happy with my weight. I would be happier to be thinner. But I AM happy with ME right now as I am. My life is good. I have a lot to offer. Things could be better (like my weight) but, all things considered, life is good. That's an important distinction.

 

It breaks my heart that all my good qualities could be overshadowed by one flaw. It breaks my heart that my threads turn in to this. I didn't ask for advice to lose weight but advice on how to meet men as I am.

[Fudgie]

To answer your question, no, I don't think you absolutely MUST lose weight to find someone. Speaking as someone who used to be morbidly obese...I dated when I was that big, and I dated when I got smaller. Believe it or not, I was actually having more sex when I was obese than I do now when I'm thinner, no joke. It did not doom me and I don't see why it would doom you either. Is being overweight good? Nah, not really, for obvious medical reasons (don't feel like going into a health lecture, you know the drill), but it's not a death sentence for dating by ANY means. Look at people around you! MOST Americans are overweight and many, many are obese....people still date and get married and all that jazz.

 

I don't think one flaw, whether it's weight or something else, is really any one person's fatal flaw, so to speak. If you were only open to dating fit/athletic men, then I'd tell you to get over yourself and become the person you want to date in that regard. But I don't get that feeling from reading your post. I think you have a lot to bring to the table regardless and if you continue to put yourself out there and keep an open mind, then a guy who is right for you will see that.

[Pleasedonot5]

Don't take it personally, I was just offering advice because you said dieting was tough. I had good intentions. No offense was intended.

[mustlovedogs]

Thank you Fudgie. That's true.

 

Physically I'm cool with string bean to dad bod or maybe dad bod plus. I find, IMO, most big dudes dress sloppy which isn't my jam. I tend to initially be attracted to nerdy white guys first but I've become attracted to many other types after getting to know them.

 

My pickiness comes from life position. I want a guy with a good job, college educated, reasonably independent, somewhat similar (ie not catastrophically different) political views, non smoker, no kids.

 

I am all of the above so I don't find it unduly picky.

 

So plus side: once I get a date, about 60% of the time anymore it seems they want a second one. Almost always I don't for various reasons. Sometimes I want a second and they don't. But my dates don't crash and burn... it's just getting them that's the issue.

 

There have been a handful where we both wanted a second date but scheduling the second date was too labor intensive so I called it. I once had a guy tell me "I'm free next Thursday between 2-330, does that work for you?" Nope. I am not scheduling my life around your weekly hour and a half free time.

 

Objectively I see my good qualities. I'm trying to not let 2 years of singledom bother me. But it's getting to me.

 

(^two years no sex y'all. It's rough)

[itsallgrand]

I don't think your weight will overshadow except with men who absolutely prioritize thinness.

You've got so much more going on - good solid character and personality, interesting, works hard, active with many interests, kind, willingness to try new things.

 

You are a catch. Just gotta get out there and find a match.. a mixed bag as seen by this board and real life, not as simple as one two three, as there are so many variables.

 

You are happy and confident, that's hugely sexy to men in my experience.

[WombatShadow]

Volunteer backstage at community theater. Know of several marriages/LTRs resulting from that.

 

Haven't finished reading this forum, but absolutely. Better yet, try out for some plays! That's how I met the guy I just unsuccessfully-ish went on a date with. My area has a lot of people who are older or already paired off, but if they like you they'll start trying to pair you off with people they deem acceptable. Again, that's why I started noticing the dude from my recent posts; the old ladies all decided that we were both single and cute and successful and therefore would be a good pair.

[mustlovedogs]

Haven't finished reading this forum, but absolutely. Better yet, try out for some plays! That's how I met the guy I just unsuccessfully-ish went on a date with. My area has a lot of people who are older or already paired off, but if they like you they'll start trying to pair you off with people they deem acceptable. Again, that's why I started noticing the dude from my recent posts; the old ladies all decided that we were both single and cute and successful and therefore would be a good pair.

 

Oh man, auditioning sounds scary I've never done anything like that before! (Maybe reason enough to do it...?)

 

Sorry the date was unsuccessful ish!

[WombatShadow]

Eesh, just finished reading the thread. I'm plus sized myself (not severely, but I could stand to lose 30) AND tall, and those two things in conjunction seem to make most men in OLD run for the hills. But this is about you, not me.

 

Do you like singing? Look into joining a community choir. See if your local public library has any gaming club: many have board/card gaming clubs with people in their 20s and 30s (which, in my experience as a public librarian, is the optimal place to find nerdy guys!); a lot of local/indy game stores will also have gaming clubs. Does your workplace do any sort of mixer event? They're a great way to get your coworkers to see you as a person, too, which means they might be able to set you up with potential dates.

 

I'm also pretty much done with OLD. For a while I was getting messaged all the time, but the conversations all stalled out or got weird; now I'm not getting messaged by anybody I have an interest in. So, you and I are in the same boat.

[WombatShadow]

Oh man, auditioning sounds scary I've never done anything like that before! (Maybe reason enough to do it...?)

 

Sorry the date was unsuccessful ish!

 

It went really well, but he hasn't expressed any interest in furthering things. Unless that changes, it's a one-and-done for now.

 

Auditions are terrifying the first few times, but they get easier with time. Try going out for a musical or something that needs a large ensemble cast. In my experience, those shows are easier to get into (unless it's a super popular one) AND if you're ensemble, you don't have nearly as much stage time, you have way less to remember, and you get to sit back with the rest of the cast and get to know them more than if you're onstage constantly.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm loving these ideas! So much creativity I would never have thought about!