the love of my life is begging to see me. I refuse because of the weight ive gained.

[iamelvis]

I met the love of my life 6 years ago. we dated for 1 of those years. we broke up hastly, never falling out ofl love with eachother BUT i had then gotten pregnant early on in my first relationship after him. and we didnt speak for 5 years. i have two children from that man but the relationship has been over for about a year. as soon as the love of my life heard, he contacted me. and weve been speaking an entire year. begging for me to see him. every day. we talk. every day. i truly believe hes as madly in love with me as i am with him. BUT i gained 80lbs since i last saw him 6 years ago. i have told him of my weight gain. not that i gained 80lbs but that i got fat. and ive sent him pictures - flattering ones of course- but i dont think they convey what i really look like.

 

i want to see him so bad. but i dont want him to be so turned off by me that he doesnt want to see me again. im so scared hell see me and not be attracted to me anymore and this constant communication between us will end.

 

whawt should i do? meet with him?

[SherrySher]

You really have no other choice at this point, you could possibly wait and try to lose the weight and hope he waits, or you can see him and hope that he accepts you.

[glitterfingers]

He might not understand you wanting to lose the weight before getting involved, if he doesn't honestly see it as that much of a problem. Many people are more than willing to look past those things if they find what they believe is a true and lasting connection. You may find that allowing yourself to be loved helps you gain the confidence/strength that you need in order to lose the weight, anyhow. You should see him and let him decide if he wants to be with you how you are - and even open yourself up to a candid conversation about possibly delaying diving into a relationship until you lose the weight and feel better about yourself. Because it's hard to be vulnerable when you don't like yourself

[itsallgrand]

Actions speak louder than words. Your actions show someone who enjoys the attention and fantasy of 'the one who got away', but who doesn't want to bring it to reality. You just don't want what is happening now to stop.

 

The weight is an excuse. You are unavailable - and that's ok. You just got out of a marriage and who says you have to be ready for something right out of the hop.

 

Plus you've had a year. A year to aggressively pursue fitness and weight loss, if that really was the issue. I don't think it is.

 

An in between could be sending a few photos which actually show you as you. You don't have to - but if the idea is to bring some reality, that's a start.

[SherrySher]

It does make me wonder how on earth this man could have been "the love of your life" if you broke up and were pregnant with another's mans baby not long after.

 

I too wonder if you're more into the fantasy of all this than the reality.

[Hollyj]

I agree. If you had really wanted to see him, you would have started a weight reduction plan, a year ago. This seems like a big excuse.

[iamelvis]

1st Pregnancy was not planned, honestly find it difficult to think I'm the first that's happened to! But very happy to have been given two beautiful children by a man who is a great father. Just wasn't in us to fight for a relationship that wasn't there.

I had gestational diabetes and then postpartum depression. The medication I have been on caused even greater weight gain and considering I'm still on these meds it's made weight loss difficult. I agree the weight loss is a giant excuse, I'm not the first person to have trouble losing weight. Not to mention even after weight loss the scars are still there from section and bodies in general change after childbirth and rearing. I was mostly looking for examples of anyone who was in the situation of getting back together with someone after their body changed. I feel I might have misappropriatly titled thread or didn't ask the right question

[Starlight925]

I think it's not your weight gain that would be the problem, but the fact that you need to be completely honest with him about it. Sending him pictures that are flattering from certain angles, but don't show the whole truth, is akin to catfishing. This guy likes you because of all of you, and yes, that includes physically. Would he still like you at this weight? We don't know, but he needs to know the truth so he can decide.

 

I think the best thing to do is go ahead and meet him, but let him know prior to meeting you that your body has changed, and due to certain medications and pregnancies, that you've quite honestly gained a lot of weight. I don't know if you're currently working at any type of weight loss, but if you are, I'd let him know that too. And then, you just have to breathe and see how he responds.

[mustlovedogs]

I think it's not your weight gain that would be the problem, but the fact that you need to be completely honest with him about it. Sending him pictures that are flattering from certain angles, but don't show the whole truth, is akin to catfishing. This guy likes you because of all of you, and yes, that includes physically. Would he still like you at this weight? We don't know, but he needs to know the truth so he can decide.

 

I think the best thing to do is go ahead and meet him, but let him know prior to meeting you that your body has changed, and due to certain medications and pregnancies, that you've quite honestly gained a lot of weight. I don't know if you're currently working at any type of weight loss, but if you are, I'd let him know that too. And then, you just have to breathe and see how he responds.

 

I agree with this with the caveat that he shouldn't agree to be with you conditional on weight loss.

 

He should be ok with you as you are now and supportive of your journey, wherever it leads.

 

Weight loss isn't easy and you throw in all your other variables (stress, littles, and medication) and it can become downright daunting.

 

If you're with him and always wondering if you're good enough as you are (because the relationship is conditional) I think it would wreck your mental health and trash your weight loss efforts.

[Starlight925]

I agree with this with the caveat that he shouldn't agree to be with you conditional on weight loss.

 

He should be ok with you as you are now and supportive of your journey, wherever it leads.

 

Weight loss isn't easy and you throw in all your other variables (stress, littles, and medication) and it can become downright daunting.

 

If you're with him and always wondering if you're good enough as you are (because the relationship is conditional) I think it would wreck your mental health and trash your weight loss efforts.

 

Yes, we are saying the same thing. I'm not saying that him seeing you should be conditional about the weight loss. I'm saying that you should be completely honest with him about the weight, which includes talk of any weight loss efforts because, that's part of it. But he would have to be ok with you as you are right now, because that might just not be easy to change, given the medications and conditions you described.

 

If you could sense from him that he only would want to be with you if/when you lose the weight, or that he's only there because he thinks you'll be on a weight loss path, then no, that wouldn't be good.

 

I would actually go ahead and send him full body shots, super honest, bathroom-mirror type if you need to. And let him decide. It's only fair to him.

[katrina1980]

OP, I am wondering, if this man had *not* been pushing to meet in person, would you be happy and content to Internet chat with him for, say, the rest of your life?

 

I am not trying to be funny, I am seriously wondering what was your end goal?

 

If it's a cyber relationship, only, that is fine, many people with social anxiety or avoidance issues prefer those types of relationships. As long as it's mutual, I see no issue, to each his own.

 

However, in this case, he wants to meet and you don't. Doesn't matter your reasons, you would not have been putting him off for an entire year, if you wanted to meet.

 

Re your question, I personally cannot relate, but there are many people who have broken up, and then YEARS later reconnect, when they are much older.

 

Weight gain, wrinkles, balding, whatever, they look different from when they were first involved, but that doesn't stop them from meeting and reigniting the spark. In many cases, even marrying, or re-marrying each other.

 

Difference is they met soon after reconnecting again. They didn't on line chit chat and wait an entire year.

 

Frankly, I think *both* you and this man have some avoidance issues. Otherwise, HE never would have tolerated this on-line chit chat for an entire year, assuming you're local.

 

It's gone on too long, and at this point, an entire year later, you have both built up false images of each other based on fantasy.

 

Reality is NEVER as compelling as fantasy, so if and when you do meet, there is bound to be some disappointment, weight gain or no weight gain.

 

Forget sending him more photos. It's time to **** or get off the pot as they say, and meet. It's time.

 

Otherwise you will never know.