Am I being unreasonable by asking my boyfriend not to talk to the girl he cheated on me with?

Adeleo · September 22, 2017

Me and my boyfriend have know each other for 7 years altogether now, we started seeing each other when we were 14/15 and broke up once I moved away. We would talk every now and again as friends but got on with our own lives. A few months ago we started talking again and fell in love with each other and I ended up moving in with him recently. We have been getting on great and I love being back in a relationship with him, I can't imagine us breaking up and I've always trusted him...

He's recently had a hard time dealing with a death of a cousin that he was very close to and I've tried to give as much support I can and been there for him.

A couple weeks later I felt that something wasn't right. And for a good reason.I ended up finding messages between him and a family friend that he's known since they were younger, reading the messages between them broke my heart. They started talking about his cousin and I guess it just started out with them trying to support each other which of course I'm fine with, until I read the other messages later on, he would tell her that he loves her, that's she's perfect and he wants to be with her, asked for pictures and so on. I know he's also seen her just before I moved in with him but I'm not sure whether to think if anything happened or not, he said nothing happened.

I confronted him after reading through the messages and after a while he admitted to what he did and was on the verge of crying, he told me how sorry he was and how bad he feels about everything, I was heartbroken and mad at first but I'm able to stay very calm and asked questions about why he'd do that. After a few days of talking about it I knew that I didn't want us to break up over this and felt that he sincerely meant what he was telling me. I told him that I didn't want him talking to her at all and to stop communicating with her, he said okay. I then asked him to block her off Facebook as I didn't trust him completely yet, he seemed unwilling at first and kept saying that she was a family friend and he didn't want to upset her and cut off all communication. After a while he reluctantly agreed to it . Now here comes the question that I've constantly thought about since all this happened. Next week we are attending the funeral that she will also be at, aswell as the days following up to it.

Am I being unreasonable by asking him that I don't want him talking to her? I don't fully trust him yet and it has knocked my confidence knowing that he's had feelings for this girl whilst we've been together. He says that he can't not talk to her and that I can't expect them not to talk after they've known each other for so long, especially whilst we'll be at the funeral, but has tried to reassure me how much he wants us to be together and that nothing will happen. I reminded him that he said he wouldn't talk to her again but he said that he had meant over the messages. I'm worrying so much about knowing that he's going to see her again and I'm not sure what to do. Shall I just accept that they'll be talking whilst we're there? Or shall I tell him I don't want them communicating at all?

willdation · September 22, 2017

It's the very least he should be doing...I'd be saying the same thing....

Hollyj · September 23, 2017

Why are you with someone who is talking to a girl he cheated with? Why didn't you dump his azz after it happened? Not smart, especially for someone you have only been dating a few months.

Your bf has zero respect for you. He also doesn't love you. He loves her, as you can see by his actions. He is still cheating on you! If you stay with this guy, there will much more cheating = hell, he did it a couple of month's into the relationship.

Value yourself and walk, as he does not.

agent1607307371 · September 23, 2017

No contact with an affair partner would be the first thing that had to happen if I was going to stay and try to work past an affair.

The fact that he's already trying to find work arounds to this is a bad sign and something I'd probably end it over. He's showing you where his priorities are - and they are not with you.

ThatwasThen · September 23, 2017

its a funeral and she's a FAMILY friend for goodness sakes. You'll be there as well. What is the problem? If you're that mistrusting of him then you should get out of one another's lives and end the anxiety and control.

If you're going to stay with him after learning about him/her then you can't micro manage him to the point where he gets sick of your insecurity and attempts at control and the relationship ends one way or the other.

Hollyj · September 23, 2017

its a funeral and she's a FAMILY friend for goodness sakes. You'll be there as well. What is the problem? If you're that mistrusting of him then you should get out of one another's lives and end the anxiety and control.

If you're going to stay with him after learning about him/her then you can't micro manage him to the point where he gets sick of your insecurity and attempts at control and the relationship ends one way or the other.

Did you see this bit: "I read the other messages later on, he would tell her that he loves her, that's she's perfect and he wants to be with her, asked for pictures and so on."

Maxx82 · September 23, 2017

He should not be talking to her period and that's the very least he should do. It's unacceptable and frankly disrespectful. He should be begging your forgiveness and doing ANYTHING you ask of him in this regard.

ThatwasThen · September 23, 2017

Did you see this bit: "I read the other messages later on, he would tell her that he loves her, that's she's perfect and he wants to be with her, asked for pictures and so on."

Yes, I did but she's chosen to stay with him so if she's going to do that she better learn to trust him and stop trying to control him to the point that he can't even talk to her at a family funeral.

If you (the general you) choose to stay then you don't get to dictate and control and punish until the relationship is worthless to both people involved.

Op: Get couples counselling or just break up now. You don't know how to handle your fears and a professional will help you with that.

itsallgrand · September 23, 2017

A funeral just isn't a place to bring these kinds of things to. It's all about respect for the family and honouring the person who has passed.

It's your choice and reasonable if you do not wish to go under the circumstances. Take some time to think about what you really are dealing with here. Though it's not unreasonable to not want him talking to her, he is going to. And you can't control him. So it's up to you if you will stick around for that.

HeartGoesOn · September 23, 2017

He's already cheated on you, therefore if he speaks to her at the funeral, it's a moot point. The damage is already done, and you're better off sending him packing.

Hollyj · September 23, 2017

Yes, I did but she's chosen to stay with him so if she's going to do that she better learn to trust him and stop trying to control him to the point that he can't even talk to her at a family funeral.

If you (the general you) choose to stay then you don't get to dictate and control and punish until the relationship is worthless to both people involved.

Op: Get couples counselling or just break up now. You don't know how to handle your fears and a professional will help you with that.

You have a point. Don't get why she would stay with this creep, as he is in love with someone else. . AND, HE CHEATED!

OP, don't be so desperate to be with someone, that you lose your self worth.

j.man · September 23, 2017

Look, someone cheats on you, as far as I'm concerned, you've got every right to call them every name under the sun and dump them, no question at all.

BUT, if you're going to CHOOSE to stay with them, cheating doesn't give you license to put your partner on a leash. I'm fully in agreement with TWT on this one.

midsummer · September 23, 2017

NO, you are not being unreasonable, flush

MissCanuck · September 23, 2017

Get rid of this guy.

There really is no point continuing the relationship when he is in love with someone else. Whether or not he continues talking to her isn't exactly the point, though the fact he's essentially insisting on it is a bad sign indeed.

Sometimes you just have to know when to walk away from a dead-end relationship. Now that's time.

Unreasonable · September 25, 2017

Am I being unreasonable by asking my boyfriend not to talk to the girl he cheated on me with?

NO. And since there is a character limit, HELL NO.

Jibralta · September 25, 2017

Adeleo, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your boyfriend not to talk to his affair-partner. But a funeral is bigger than your personal grievances. In this situation you need to put your problems aside out of respect for the family and friends who are there to mourn their loved one. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't go to this funeral.

My sister was in a situation similar to yours. She dated a guy for years, found out he was cheating on her. Stayed with him. His father died. We all went to the funeral. The Other Woman was there. We all saw her and marveled, but no one said a thing to her. My sister broke up with him a year or two later, after he cheated on her with one of her friends.

NO, you are not being unreasonable, flush

LOL!

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Am I being unreasonable by asking my boyfriend not to talk to the girl he cheated on me with?

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