I Just Don't Get It

[JustMizz]

I mean anything is possible. But for the sake of moving in I'd say, he did it because he ended things.

 

He text me (no I didn't text him first) and said he did it because I said I didn't want to be friends. I asked why he waited all week and he said he was waiting for me to do it and figured I must have forgotten to.

 

😕

[mustlovedogs]

I don't think you should read in to it so much.

 

He maybe was reminded of it when you apparently posted a lot yesterday.

 

Waiting a day a week or a month, I don't see why you had to ask.

[JustMizz]

Waiting a day a week or a month, I don't see why you had to ask.

 

Because my anxiety gets to me. I didn't ask him, though, until he text me about it.

[figureitout23]

He text me (no I didn't text him first) and said he did it because I said I didn't want to be friends. I asked why he waited all week and he said he was waiting for me to do it and figured I must have forgotten to.

 

😕

 

He randomly texted you telling you the reason he unfriended you?

 

Dramatic theatrics like that give me a headache.

[mustlovedogs]

It's kinda cringey though. Imagine being asked "why did you wait to unfriend me?" Doesn't that feel desperate?

[katrina1980]

He randomly texted you telling you the reason he unfriended you?

 

Dramatic theatrics like that give me a headache.

 

lol, same for me, that's akin to random texting someone announcing you won't be texting them anymore.

 

Makes no sense.

 

Sounds like a bid for attention or to stir some drama.

 

Someone who no longer gave a * would have simply left you as a *friend* (like who cares?) or just deleted you. Indifferent to all the BS.

[JustMizz]

It's kinda cringey though. Imagine being asked "why did you wait to unfriend me?" Doesn't that feel desperate?

 

It probably is desperate. But, like I said...anxiety.

[katrina1980]

It probably is desperate. But, like I said...anxiety.

 

Yeah would have been best to just ignore that text JM.

 

Going forward, try to not be so reactive.

 

I understand anxiety but you gotta work really hard to contain.

 

Contain contain contain.

 

Cut and paste to your fridge!

 

So you can read every day.

 

Eventually, it WILL become your reality.

[JustMizz]

I'm working on it! Starting therapy soon!

[JustMizz]

Sounds like a bid for attention or to stir some drama.

 

Someone who no longer gave a * would have simply left you as a *friend* (like who cares?) or just deleted you. Indifferent to all the BS.

 

So, why would he want my attention if he doesn't want to date me?

 

We ended up texting throughout the day, nothing substantial. I went out last night and was still texting him. He seemed pretty interested in what I was doing.

 

I told him I got too tipsy and he asked how I was getting home. I told him a guy was driving me home. (Guy is just a friend but I didn't feel I needed to stress that). He said he didn't know about some random dude giving me a ride home.

 

Is this mixed signals, or am I just reading too much into this stuff?

[Batya33]

Reading too much into it. He likes getting his ego stroked by texting with you and knowing you're interested in him. Texting doesn't mean interest in dating.

[JustMizz]

Reading too much into it. He likes getting his ego stroked by texting with you and knowing you're interested in him. Texting doesn't mean interest in dating.

 

Oh, I know texting doesn't mean dating. I'm trying the just friends thing. I'm trying to change my mindset about it all.

[Batya33]

Oh, I know texting doesn't mean dating. I'm trying the just friends thing. I'm trying to change my mindset about it all.

 

I don't think he's a true friend of yours -would you enjoy hearing about who he's dating or trying to date? Would you tell a friend you were drunk and with another guy just to see his reaction - no, because if you were platonic friends you wouldn't care if he reacted by being jealous, etc. Don't you already have friends?

[JustMizz]

Don't you already have friends?

 

Honestly, no I don't have any actual friends. No one I talk to or go out with regularly. I went out by myself last night and just so happens that a girl I used to work with was there and we stuck together all night.

 

I know that's a big issue, but I've never had friends. Don't ask me why, I really couldn't tell you.

[Honeycomb8]

You could try joining meetup groups. I'm single and I think the reason why it doesn't bother me to be 'alone' is because I'm always socialising.

 

Once you meet some people you can click with, your life gets busier, and everyday passes quickly. Waiting for texts or needing validation from a stranger will no longer be as great of a need.

 

Once you're happy with yourself and more confident, quality guys will be attracted to that-which obviously leads to healthier dating patterns.

[JustMizz]

I've tried the meetup app but there really aren't any meetups in my area that interest me.

 

I live in a small, rural town which makes it even harder to meet people. That's why I was so open to dating someone 2 hours away. There are more options further away, than here.

[Batya33]

When I wanted to meet new people and find an LTR I moved to a large city teeming with singles even though I only lived ten miles away. I suggest you do the same if at all possible.

[Batya33]

Honestly, no I don't have any actual friends. No one I talk to or go out with regularly. I went out by myself last night and just so happens that a girl I used to work with was there and we stuck together all night.

 

I know that's a big issue, but I've never had friends. Don't ask me why, I really couldn't tell you.

 

So as my favorite talk radio psychologist used to say (Dr. Joy Browne -she wrote some great books and died too young last year) used to say -dating is more the big leagues - when it comes to social skills, practicing social skills. So if I were you I'd work on developing/maintaining friendships and don't do the cop out "don't ask me why" - don't tell me why -but find out for yourself if you think you ever want to find a romantic relationship. You really will have a hard time doing that without having at least one solid platonic friendship. What kind of activities or volunteer work do you do?

[JustMizz]

I blog and exercise.

 

I've spent the last 15 years raising my daughter and I suppose I put myself on the back burner.

 

I have had a few LTRs over the years, but obviously nothing panned out.

 

I know all the dating rules say you need to be busy, have an active social life and your own hobbies and activities, but that's just not me. I am trying to get out more. I had fun this weekend and plan on going out again, but I'm doing it for me, not to appear like I'm some social butterfly in order to attract a man.

 

I'm very much an introvert. I don't reach out to people often with the fear of bothering them, and no one reaches out to me. That's why friendships don't stick and at my age it seems most people have their friends and aren't really interested in finding new ones. I am shy, but I do have social skills.

 

And no, moving to find a man is not something I'm willing to do. I'm happy where I am. I'm actually happy with who I am. I don't want to change who I am to appease to a man. If that's what needs to happen then I'd rather just stay single.

[Batya33]

I blog and exercise.

 

I've spent the last 15 years raising my daughter and I suppose I put myself on the back burner.

 

I have had a few LTRs over the years, but obviously nothing panned out.

 

I know all the dating rules say you need to be busy, have an active social life and your own hobbies and activities, but that's just not me. I am trying to get out more. I had fun this weekend and plan on going out again, but I'm doing it for me, not to appear like I'm some social butterfly in order to attract a man.

 

I'm very much an introvert. I don't reach out to people often with the fear of bothering them, and no one reaches out to me. That's why friendships don't stick and at my age it seems most people have their friends and aren't really interested in finding new ones. I am shy, but I do have social skills.

 

And no, moving to find a man is not something I'm willing to do. I'm happy where I am. I'm actually happy with who I am. I don't want to change who I am to appease to a man. If that's what needs to happen then I'd rather just stay single.

 

I think being a social butterfly sounds awful and won't attract the kind of men you would like to meet. I suggested that you work on making at least one close-ish platonic friend -male or female - so that you have that balance in your life if you invite in a romantic partner.

 

If you don't want to be out there proactively being involved in activities/networking and/or volunteer work, or whatever involves interacting with others who are sober and focused on a productive activity - then don't do it. And accept the downsides of that choice. Obviously if you're raising a child you're going to have little/no time to date and that was your choice to put yourself on the back burner -many single parents do! I have a friend though who has a 7 year old little girl. Got divorced 2 years ago. Travels all over the country very often for her job. Her parents do help her. She started going online and being set up shortly after the divorce. She went out with a lot of jerks/flakes, etc -she got discouraged early on. 6 months ago she met a man on line. They are head over heels. He even stuck around after her daughter got carsick on a road trip. They are both intelligent and good people and both reasonably attractive (IMO she is more attractive than he is but that's just my opinion). Who knows where this will lead but she wanted to make this happen and so far so good. I know of other single parents who put dating on the backburner and to me that is an extremely valid choice and depending on the child/situation could be the very best choice for everyone.

 

I wouldn't dismiss the "dating rules" you listed -because they also involve rules/guidelines that apply for those who choose not to date - meaning get out there, get involved, live your life - no need to be uber-social or a social butterfly. I think you'll get a lot out of putting yourself more on a front burner.

[JustMizz]

Now that my daughter is old enough to stay home alone, I do want to put myself in front, somewhat.

 

I'm just frustrated with OLD. After 4 months of trying, I'm over it. I deleted my profiles. I'd rather meet a man organically and believe it will happen if it's meant to.

 

As far as the "friend" this post is about. Yea, I can't just be his friend. He didn't initiate any texts yesterday and I don't plan on reaching out to him again. I believe he probably feels bad about how things went and is trying to be nice to me, which makes me feel awful. I don't need anyone's pity.

 

I do like him, a lot, and still have the hope he'll change his mind, but that's just my silly romantic heart wishing. I know that won't happen so I really have to let him go.

[Batya33]

Totally valid approach! I didn't feel I had the luxury of waiting for whatever will be will be. Although I let the man do most of all of the asking out in the earlier dating stages i believed in every other way and not just in dating of creating my own destiny to the extent possible - obviously not all within my control especially in romantic relationships. I had a timing issue which you don't seem to have so that made a difference.

Glad you're going to do some well deserved self care!!

I did personal ads and OLD for several years. Several of my friends met their lovely spouses and significant others that way. I think it's one of a number of good ways to meet people but it requires a significant time investment and a thick skin.

[JustMizz]

Well, I don't really want to wait forever, but me trying to make something happen isn't working.

 

I'm very sad today. It's hard to understand how I can go from being the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up to not even a second thought.

 

I know we barely knew each other, but he seemed really into me and then it just fizzled out. I know that's how it goes sometimes, just seems to be the way it always goes with me.

 

I'm trying to get used to not having him to talk to every day. I know I can do it, we went most of last week not talking. I know that's why I'm upset. I know if I don't reach out again he'll fade away.

[Jibralta]

It's kinda cringey though. Imagine being asked "why did you wait to unfriend me?" Doesn't that feel desperate?

 

I would ask that question out of pure curiosity. If he translated it as desperate, who cares! He's a lost cause anyway.

 

I'm just frustrated with OLD. After 4 months of trying, I'm over it. I deleted my profiles. I'd rather meet a man organically and believe it will happen if it's meant to.

 

I got frustrated with OLD, too. So many people play games. It just wasn't worth the added psychological effort for me. Dating should be simple. So I closed my profile and focused on my "real" life. It felt great. A year later, I started dating a guy that I knew from childhood. We've been together now for 5 years.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry things don't seem to be working out with him. I hope you choose not to give him this much power over your emotions and motivation to go out there. Kissing frogs before meeting the prince is really tough. Dating was never simple for me.