I Just Don't Get It

[figureitout23]

I was really trying to do this. Just didn't work out that way. lol

 

Do you think there's a reason? Again, I like sex too, but it doesn't mean I'm jumping into bed with every guy I date. It took me once to learn to not do it again, because I didn't like that feeling. Considering how things have gone for you not that long ago and all the advice youve been given do you think there's a reason you keep hopping into bed?

 

I'm not at all trying to be judgmental or condescending. I'm really asking.

[JustMizz]

Do you think there's a reason? Again, I like sex too, but it doesn't mean I'm jumping into bed with every guy I date. It took me once to learn to not do it again, because I didn't like that feeling. Considering how things have gone for you not that long ago and all the advice youve been given do you think there's a reason you keep hopping into bed?

 

I'm not at all trying to be judgmental or condescending. I'm really asking.

 

I still fall into believing they are actually into me if they want to have sex with me. I feel like it's a lose-lose situation at this point. I've turned down lots of guys when they suggest sex on the first date, and never hear back from them. I give in to these 2 guys, and they walk away, too. I'm beginning to feel really discouraged and confused.

[Honeycomb8]

That's cos you hardly know them and you sleep with them. It'd mostly be a diff situation if you spend more time getting to know their personality rather than doing sexual things. Sex can wait, I think it's important to know whether a guy is worth investing in, and getting sexual with. That discovery takes time.

 

I've always only slept with people I was in a relationship with. That actually means through the years, I've actually dated quite a few people for 1-4 months that I ultimately decided I didn't want to make 'official' so never did anything.

Because of that, I've never had anyone disappear on me or get distant after sex.

 

You could try that? It's not too difficult. Guys don't attach through sex (neither do I) but I just mean just cos they have sex with you or want sex doesn't mean anything. Work on your self confidence and your subconscious desire to please men/prove you're good enough.

[JustMizz]

Work on your self confidence and your subconscious desire to please men/prove you're good enough.

 

I think this is close to the issue. If I really like the guy I feel like if I decline sex then it will upset him and he'll move on.

[Honeycomb8]

^ If he moves on, shows he wasn't worth it to begin with. Guy that are worth the wait will wait. They'll want to get to know you as a person. Sex isn't the only goal, and it shouldn't be the priority.

[JustMizz]

^ If he moves on, shows he wasn't worth it to begin with. Guy that are worth the wait will wait. They'll want to get to know you as a person. Sex isn't the only goal, and it shouldn't be the priority.

 

I am starting to see this. I was actually surprised he came on so strong this weekend. We hadn't even really discussed sex previously. We were more just being friendly and getting to know each other. It threw me off guard.

[Honeycomb8]

If someone comes on strong, you don't need to have sex with him. Sweet words are just that; words.

[figureitout23]

I think this is close to the issue. If I really like the guy I feel like if I decline sex then it will upset him and he'll move on.

 

Look at it this way - The alternative is this feeling you have right now: Confused and ego bruised. Any guy worth your time will want to get to know you.

[Lambert]

sometimes it's not you. it's really not. I've seen many people do the sane thug over and over. then one day it works out not cause they really changed. the situation changed.

 

How do you change the situation?

 

Live and learn. what happened? what matters? moving forward. if someone, anyone really indicates that they are not interested let go. don't torture yourself. they told you. what more do you want?

 

it may suck. but you're life is about you. not them. go live your life. and make new choices.

 

it's ok. 2 hours away is a pain. stay open and think about other things. change your focus and the situation will change. maybe not with him. that's not what I mean your situation will change. you will meet someone else.

[katrina1980]

JM, at the risk of having this moved to the sex section, let's address the elephant in the room, how you relate sexually to the men you're with.

 

Reason I ask is cause literally, I have never had a man bolt after sex, never. Doesn't matter when we have sex either, heck as many already know, my ex and I had sex the first night we met and were together six years.

 

Granted I have not had sex with all that many men, and until my ex and I broke up in Dec 2015, and I started dating around a bit, sex led to LTRs the majority of the time.

 

Why do you think that is? I'm considered very pretty by most, nice figure, soft-spoken, feminine, but so are many other women who get dumped after sex, so it's not that.

 

So what are you like? Are you enthusiastic? Responsive? Adventurous? Passionate? Giving?

 

In my experience, a woman cannot be responsive enough, show him, tell him (softly, sensually) you are enjoying it, enjoying what he's doing to you! It's got to be real though, don't fake it. And if the chemistry is right, it will be real. It will all come very naturally.

 

Sexy, passionate, and responsive. I promise, a man will become addicted to you, and bolting afterwards won't ever even enter his realm of consciousness, ever!

 

After sex, you're chill. You're not asking "what does this mean," "where is this going," none of that. No pushing for a "relationship!

 

Continue dating, having fun, having great sex, and let him move closer to you at his own pace. Slowly he will start bringing you into his world, and you will be bringing him into yours.

 

There WILL be some push/pull, it's normal and natural. Don't fight it, embrace it, have fun with it!

 

Trust me, if you can do this, not only will he be addicted, but he will slowly become very emotionally attached to you as well and want a commitment. But it cannot be rushed, so again you're chill.

 

I read something once, women become emotionally attached first, then have sex.

 

Whereas men have sex first, then become emotionally attached. Slowly, by spending more time, it's a gradual thing.

 

But they need that strong physical connection in order to feel emotionally attached. My brothers have confirmed this to be true as well as the men I've had relationships with.

 

It's completely opposite from that of most women!

 

Not all men of course but many, the ones I've been with anyway.

 

Anyway, I got off on a bit of a tangent there lol, but seriously it's baffling to me why so many men bolt after having sex with you. Something's not jiving.

 

At the very least, I would think he'd lead it to an FWB situation, not just announce he still wants to talk as "friends," which like I said sounds like his way of dumping you nicely.

[Capricorn3]

I feel like you jump into bed with guys so quickly, grow attached and trust them WAY too easily! You need to slow down. The definition of insanity is doing things over and over again and expecting a different result afterall.

 

I second this post. You really need to slow down. It feels like desperation. Take some time out. Think things through. Get to a clearer head space before launching into sex so quickly, every time.

 

As to his "excuse". It could very well be true. It just doesn't work for him and there's nothing wrong with that. Totally legit (imo). Or maybe the sex just didn't work for him for whatever reason. Either way, whatever the reason, it just wasn't working for him and he has every right to call it a day. Move on learn from this.

[JustMizz]

I told him last night that I can't be friends with him and that I need to move on.

 

He said even if we hadn't of had sex he would have come to the same conclusion about the distance. He also said he hates that we can't be friends because he really likes talking to me.

 

It makes no sense to me. But, whatever, I have to move forward.

[JustMizz]

Katrina, I've never had these issues with men before, so I'm not sure what the problem is.

 

After the sex, I wasn't needy or clingy. I was giving him space because I know the push/pull is normal, but I felt something was off. That's why I asked him about it, in a non-desperate way.

[Batya33]

He would like to keep you as a chat buddy and it's fun for him too since he knows you are attracted to him. I would move on. Push pull is not normal after sex - what is normal is when both people after know each other well enough so that if a little extra space is needed or breathing room it happens naturally. If someone acts in a distant way after to that extreme that's not a reaction to having sex that's simply that person not wanting to be with the other person likely because the sex happened too soon. I think it's fine that he may have already decided the distance wouldn't work because this was casual sex, and you were fine with having sex without talking about intentions, commitment, any potential. If it was fun and enjoyable that's all you can expect.

[JustMizz]

Thanks, Batya.

 

I'm okay now, I've accepted it. I do miss talking to him throughout the day, but that will pass.

[Batya33]

Thanks, Batya.

 

I'm okay now, I've accepted it. I do miss talking to him throughout the day, but that will pass.

 

My suggestion is not to be text buddies until you're in a more serious relationship -let him get to know you at a reasonable pace over time, not be available to share the minutae of your life that matters to a significant other but not so much to someone new in your life.

[Lolala]

I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, things seemed to be going well. He lives 2 hours from me, so we've been meeting up in the middle.

 

This past weekend we had a great date at a zoo and ended up at a hotel for the first time. I knew it was too soon, but I felt I knew him and could trust him. We talked constantly every day.

 

Yesterday and today things seemed a bit off, and I asked him about it. He agreed things were off because he's been thinking about the distance between us and how it might affect things.

 

The conversation ended with him saying he would still like to be friends and talk and stuff, but he didn't see how a long term relationship would work.

 

He seems adamant on staying friends. I told him I didn't know if I could remain friends and said I needed some space.

 

I feel this is a blow off, and though I appreciate him being honest with me, I am hung up on why he wants to remain friends.

 

I get the feeling that he's met someone else and wants to keep me on the back burner.

 

I haven't over text him or any of my usual crazy stuff. Do y'all agree it's probably someone else?

I don't think it's necessarily someone else. I think he may have been mostly interested in sex and once he got what he wanted he flaked. Either way it's really ty of him to "realize" this after you slept with him. I don't think he deserves your friendship. If anything he will use that as a way to sneak back into your pants. Seeing you gives him the chance to "slip up or have a moment of weakness" and hook up with you again without having the intent of dating you.

 

Don't beat yourself up over having sex too soon. Things like this have happened to me and I have had these guys come crawling back and admit they left bc we moved too fast. Some of these guys really pushed things and didn't take no for answer the first time. They seduced me in the most serious sense of the term but then they paint me as a harlot bc I gave in. Nope! If that's really the way your tiny little sexist male brain works then you aren't for me. No thanks!

[Lolala]

Btw I have had guys try to date me from other states. They wanted to drive to me and do everything. If someone wants you badly enough they will do it takes.

 

If it was such a problem he would have realized that before now. It's a deal breaker for me but I simply don't get involved in the first place if they live too far

Now I find myself giving in bc I have met a really great guy that lives far away.

[Lolala]

How can you feel that you know and trust someone, after only knowing them for 2 weeks? Either way, you may have had a better outcome if you took the time to date (gasp!) and got to know each other.

I have been in her shoes. I have a really high sex drive and when you feel close to somone it doesn't feel like it matters how long you have know them. To some 2 weeks is a really long time!... not too me but to many others.

 

Throw in the fact that the guy is pushing you and making it really hard to say no. It makes it even harder to resist

[Lolala]

I would highly recommended going to YouTube and watching Mathew Hussey's dating coach videos. He's brilliant and given me so much insight. He's the dating expert vogue uses for their romance articles and he has helped restore some of my faith in men. Ik he has addressed this issue but I couldn't find the link. Plus he's a hot British guy

[Lolala]

It's okay. I don't feel used, really. And I agree that two hours is nothing. I actually told him that and he asked how could it be nothing. He said he started thinking about the distance on his drive home that night. It's plausible, I suppose, but doubtful. And I believe he's trying for a FWB thing, because of his "and stuff" comment after saying lets just be friends.

 

I don't think I can be just friends with him, especially not right now. Should I say anything else to him? Or just let it be?

I would probably just refrain from txting any more for a while. Let him be the last one to txt and wonder what's going through your head. Don't give him the clarity and absolute answer he wants. And was he planning on hanging out with you as freinds? If so then I would be like.... so you don't mind driving all this way to see me as a friend? That's some bs

[Lolala]

" And I agree that two hours is nothing. I actually told him that and he asked how could it be nothing."

 

Did this happen before y'all had sex?

[JustMizz]

" And I agree that two hours is nothing. I actually told him that and he asked how could it be nothing."

 

Did this happen before y'all had sex?

 

This was after.

[Batya33]

I have been in her shoes. I have a really high sex drive and when you feel close to somone it doesn't feel like it matters how long you have know them. To some 2 weeks is a really long time!... not too me but to many others.

 

Throw in the fact that the guy is pushing you and making it really hard to say no. It makes it even harder to resist

 

I don't think it has anything to do with sex drive at all -just how you react to whatever your sex drive is. People choose reactions to strong feelings all the time - like choosing to back off when you're incredibly angry instead of lashing out. For example. I also think many women especially who make that choice early on are making it at least in part because of rationalizing "live in the moment" (which also doesn't mean you react by having sex too soon) and because they're afraid of losing the guy's interest. I think that is a gender thing more often.

 

And people who know they have a high sex drive avoid situations where it will be "that" difficult -just like people who are addicted to chocolate and need to give it up for some reason.

 

I don't think she was wrong to have sex -it's a balance - it just means a higher risk that the potential for a serious relationship goes way down - and of course there's the increased risk of STD and also pregnancy with someone you don't know well - but if it's that fun/exciting and they're single, who cares. Now she's second guessing and even blamed the guy at some point in this thread for "pressuring"her - to me that just leads to general bitterness/cynicsm about men which is never a good thing (and also basically lying to oneself).

[JustMizz]

I know all the blame isn't on him.

 

But the truth is, I told him no, I told him to stop and even pushed his hands away. But he kept trying, so I gave in and went to the hotel with him willingly.

 

So, that's my own fault. I didn't want to, but I was too weak to walk away because I didnt want him to be disappointed.

 

You know how things become clearer as time passes? I'm starting to see what really happened.

 

I think he may feel bad for what happened. He even said he wished we didn't have sex.