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I dont even know anymore


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Honestly I don't even know what I am feeling anymore, I go through long periods of not feeling anything and it's like I am just watching my life happen around me but then it is broken up by periods of feeling really happy. I guess its some sort of bipolar thing I don't really know. i just know that i have no hope or desire in life, I have nothing to cling to. I have a nihilistic nature so i cant cling to religion so the only thing that is keeping me alive is peoples expectations of my. I'd hate to let my friends and family down with suicide, its really not fair on them, but at the same time i feel like i am just waiting around for the inevitability of death. its like all the emotions i show are the ones i have learnt people expect in certain situations, if its a funeral cry, if its a social gathering be polite and happy, if its my friends joke around and smile because if don't then they might realise its all pretend. I hate to lie but i know that if they knew the real me they wouldn't like it. i think i have even got to a point where everything almost bores me. the mundane reality of my life. its sad and privileged and unremarkable. i really want to leve it all behind me but i am too bogged down by the luxuries of this place and there is no reason that the other side would be any better than here. like i said i don't ven really know what is going on in my life anymore..

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