Not compatible after 8 years together?

[kolder]

I want to start out by saying I have always had good intentions in my relationship, have never cheated, have had no ulterior motives and am striving to be honest in my feelings.

 

However I am at a crossroads in my 8 year relationship and have been considering breaking up for a long time now. We are in our early 40's with no kids. I am just not sure whether it's a case of I either don't know how good I have it already (stay) or don't know how good it should be (leave). My feelings about our relationship are so ambivalent. One minute I can't imagine leaving her and feel so guilty at the thought of it, the next it seems the only right thing to do.

 

I've summarised the points below to make it easier to read as I could write pages and pages

 

The pro's of my relationship:

 

I trust my partner

I feel comfortable in being myself with my partner

My partner has an endearing personality and makes light of most situations

My partner is easy going

My partner is fun

My partner is a nice person

We hardly ever argue although lately we have argued more because of my doubts.

My partner and I share the same sense of humour and have things to talk about. Nothing deep but there are no awkward silences

We have 8 years together

We are generally happy together

 

The Con's in my relationship

 

I don't feel that my partner is “the one” nor that we will get married

I don't feel sexually attracted to my partner. This is partly emotional attraction and partly physical attraction.

Our sex life is virtually non existent by my choice due to above, although my partner seems OK with this.

I snap at my partner sometimes for no real reason.

I don't feel we have the same expectations or ambitions in life

My partner has very low expectations and ambitions.

I feel my partner is a passenger in the relationship. It's not what she says or does but what she doesn't say or do.

Our families are very different to each other.

I don't feel that our relationship is “going anywhere”

My partner does not share the same lifestyle choices as me eg. Health, fitness etc.

 

 

I wander whether, despite actually getting on with each other and sharing the same sense of humour, whether we are actually compatible after all this time. On one hand I love my partner and I know I would miss her so much if we split, her but on the other I don't feel in love or that she is “the one”.

 

I wander whether staying together is more harmful than splitting and starting afresh or whether we should split at all. I know my partner is in love with me and wouldn't want to split.

 

What should I do? I don't know where to start to process my feelings.

[abitbroken]

I don't feel that my partner is “the one” nor that we will get married

 

have you ever talked about marriage?

 

 

I don't feel sexually attracted to my partner. This is partly emotional attraction and partly physical attraction.

Our sex life is virtually non existent by my choice due to above, although my partner seems OK with this.

I snap at my partner sometimes for no real reason.

 

Snapping at them is not THEIR problem, its yours. Could it be that you are just unhappy with yourself and that's why you are snappy?

I don't feel we have the same expectations or ambitions in life

 

Not everyone has to be the same. Are they compatible to eachother?

 

My partner has very low expectations and ambitions.

I feel my partner is a passenger in the relationship. It's not what she says or does but what she doesn't say or do.

 

is she more of a helper/helpmate who has a less ambitious job and aspirations but supports you/is in a support role?

 

Our families are very different to each other.

I don't feel that our relationship is “going anywhere”

My partner does not share the same lifestyle choices as me eg. Health, fitness etc.

 

You knew that your families were different when you met. Why is it a factor now?

What is the "somewhere" you want your relationship to go?

You knew, presumably, that you didn't have the same fitness level when you met, right? Is this code for that she has gotten heavier and you haven't?

[PurplePineappl]

This sounds like where I was a couple of years ago.

 

8 years in the bag and nothing really majorly wrong, but I knew it wasn't right either.

 

Ultimately, do you love them? Like actually love them? I realised that I still had love but it wasn't relationship love. I cared about them deeply but I wasn't in love, I wasn't attracted to them, and I no longer saw a future.

 

I was much more ambitious, healthy, sociable etc and they weren't really going anywhere, they floated along and made no effort.

 

Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and they broke down and cried and tried to fight and win me back. For about a month. And then they realised that I was right - it was no longer a loving, balanced relationship.

 

It was really really tough, but it was the right thing to do. I moved on and made my own life, and (although they didn't get over it for about a year) they actually turned their life around and became a better person for it.

 

If you love them and you're happy and you can see it getting better, give it another go.

 

But your cons sound very familiar.... if you're only staying because it's not terrible, and you've got years behind you, then maybe it's not the right thing to do.

 

Have you spoken to them about how you feel before?

[DancingFool]

The older I get, the more I think that you just can't date for years without the relationship becoming stale just because of time and lack of...purpose and goals. Married couples are usually busy pursuing mutual life goals, be it raising a family, lifestyle, saving up for that family house or the summer house by the lake, etc. They are actively working toward something constantly while dating kind of leaves you just coasting along comfortably until it gets boring and when it does......it's really easy to end things and walk away and chase someone new.

 

What you describe as cons...don't sound much like cons. Sound more like you are picking at things and trying to create problems so that you can leave without feeling guilty. First step of detachment is to devalue your partner.

 

Honestly, after 8 years, either sh$t or get off the pot. Either move your relationship forward and wake it up in a way or just quit. Do not torment her by devaluing her. If it's not working for you, it's OK to end things just because. Just be sure that you think long and hard about the questions and points that abitbroken made above. Once you break up, it's almost impossible to go back and fix things. You'll have destroyed her trust in you. So make sure that if you break up, you mean it and the consequences are worth it for you.

[kolder]

abitbroken thanks for the reply

 

I don't feel that my partner is “the one” nor that we will get married

 

have you ever talked about marriage?

 

No it's not something that I feel pressure from her but maybe pressure from myself and maybe her parents although they've never said anything. Sometimes I feel what's the point in being in a long term relationship with someone if I don't plan to marry them. Surely if I was commited it would be a happier relationship all around

 

 

I don't feel sexually attracted to my partner. This is partly emotional attraction and partly physical attraction.

Our sex life is virtually non existent by my choice due to above, although my partner seems OK with this.

I snap at my partner sometimes for no real reason.

 

Snapping at them is not THEIR problem, its yours. Could it be that you are just unhappy with yourself and that's why you are snappy?

 

I recognise that it's my problem but sometimes I think our relationship is part of the problem. I guess if I was "in love" with my partner I may be happier. I am unhappy about other things eg. job, lifestyle. As a result I am looking to emmigrate in the next 6 months.

 

I don't feel we have the same expectations or ambitions in life

 

 

 

Not everyone has to be the same. Are they compatible to eachother?

 

My partner has very low expectations and ambitions.

I feel my partner is a passenger in the relationship. It's not what she says or does but what she doesn't say or do.

 

is she more of a helper/helpmate who has a less ambitious job and aspirations but supports you/is in a support role?

 

In a sense yes she is supportive.

 

Our families are very different to each other.

I don't feel that our relationship is “going anywhere”

My partner does not share the same lifestyle choices as me eg. Health, fitness etc.

 

You knew that your families were different when you met. Why is it a factor now?

 

Because if I try to analyse why I don't feel she is "the one", alot of it I believe I can attribute to her parents. I didn't really recognise that in the earlier days.

 

What is the "somewhere" you want your relationship to go?

 

I want to be in a relationship where I'm committed, in love and can see a path to marraige or a future that I am dead certain on rather than ambivalent.

 

You knew, presumably, that you didn't have the same fitness level when you met, right? Is this code for that she has gotten heavier and you haven't?

 

Physically she was different when we met but my lack of attraction is more due to her lifestyle choices than physical appearance. She smokes daily (i don't), she doesn't exercise, she doesn't have many interests/hobbies. I would say she is out of shape and has been for 90% of our relationship. My lack of attraction isn't from what she looks like per se but from her lack of interests, passion or ambition in life, which I guess reflects physically. Yet her personality is very positive and upbeat

[kolder]

This sounds like where I was a couple of years ago.

 

8 years in the bag and nothing really majorly wrong, but I knew it wasn't right either.

 

Ultimately, do you love them? Like actually love them? I realised that I still had love but it wasn't relationship love. I cared about them deeply but I wasn't in love, I wasn't attracted to them, and I no longer saw a future.

 

I was much more ambitious, healthy, sociable etc and they weren't really going anywhere, they floated along and made no effort.

 

Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and they broke down and cried and tried to fight and win me back. For about a month. And then they realised that I was right - it was no longer a loving, balanced relationship.

 

It was really really tough, but it was the right thing to do. I moved on and made my own life, and (although they didn't get over it for about a year) they actually turned their life around and became a better person for it.

 

If you love them and you're happy and you can see it getting better, give it another go.

 

But your cons sound very familiar.... if you're only staying because it's not terrible, and you've got years behind you, then maybe it's not the right thing to do.

 

Have you spoken to them about how you feel before?

 

Thanks for your reply. Every word of your reply I was saying yes, yes and yes to myself. It was as if I had written it myself. We are definately in an unbalanced relationship and have been for years.

 

Yes I do love her (I look forward to seeing her when I didn't used to, i'm loyal, caring and protective towards her) but then how do you define love? One thing I do notice, when I think about staying together, it's because i feel bad and don't want to hurt her. That's not a good reason. However our relationship is generally good most days and better than most.

 

I did mention a couple of years ago that I was not in love with her. She was upset and we didn't really speak for a week then it just fell back into place. I really expected us to talk about this much earlier but she's the type to not want to hear bad news. She rather pretend it's not happening. I'm the opposite, I want to know everything even if it's not what I want to hear.

[kolder]

The older I get, the more I think that you just can't date for years without the relationship becoming stale just because of time and lack of...purpose and goals. Married couples are usually busy pursuing mutual life goals, be it raising a family, lifestyle, saving up for that family house or the summer house by the lake, etc. They are actively working toward something constantly while dating kind of leaves you just coasting along comfortably until it gets boring and when it does......it's really easy to end things and walk away and chase someone new.

 

What you describe as cons...don't sound much like cons. Sound more like you are picking at things and trying to create problems so that you can leave without feeling guilty. First step of detachment is to devalue your partner.

 

Honestly, after 8 years, either sh$t or get off the pot. Either move your relationship forward and wake it up in a way or just quit. Do not torment her by devaluing her. If it's not working for you, it's OK to end things just because. Just be sure that you think long and hard about the questions and points that abitbroken made above. Once you break up, it's almost impossible to go back and fix things. You'll have destroyed her trust in you. So make sure that if you break up, you mean it and the consequences are worth it for you.

 

Thanks for your reply. I hadn't thought about married v unmarried couples like that before but I guess you are right. We can't physically have children but I guess marriage is possible. I think if it was meant to be we would be married now after 8 years.

 

Maybe I am picking at things. Maybe I just know deep down that she isn't the one but over time we have become so emotionally attached I'm trying to identify reasons to leave. Do I need a reason to leave other than I just don't feel like the relationship is moving in the way I want to?

 

I am really not trying to devalue her, she does that enough herself. I've always tried to instill confidence in her from day one telling her that she is worth more and can achieve anything she wants myself.

 

My problem if I think I am sure then doubt myself.

 

I guess if it was right to stay I wouldn't be posting this on here.

[DancingFool]

No you don't need reasons other than it's how you feel. That's what I mean when I say don't start picking at her and devaluing her just to make yourself feel better about ending things.

 

I do think that you should maybe talk to her. Like have a serious conversation about some things that are major issues for you like her smoking. In other words, give her a chance to correct the issue. If you have talked to her before, then maybe this time make it clear that it's make it or break it time for her and then let her make that choice. Other things....be careful about what you wish for. Two people in the relationship can't be running around pursuing their careers and ambitions and still be present in the relationship. Most power couples end up drifting apart and splitting precisely because of that. Someone has to be the more passive/supportive partner who can flex more and be there or else you'll end up like two ships passing in the night always heading in different but very important directions and next thing you know....you are looking at each other and you are ...strangers.....

[DancingFool]

Another thought is - is it lack of her ambition and drive or is it lack of excitement in your relationship at large? Too much routine perhaps? Because excitement can be added and routine can be broken up. After so many years, keeping things fresh and interesting starts to take some serious work. Food for thought before you throw away 8 years worth of a relationship.

[thealchemist]

It just sounds like you have no romance in your relationship. Doing the shift from romantic partner to roommate is pretty common.

 

Your pro/con list is pretty depressing. Most your pros are "meh" and pretty much the bulk of your cons would be a deal breaker to me.

 

I will say though that many of the issues you talk about or listed are mostly solvable in a healthy communicating relationship as they appear. Given that both people are committed to mutually working together for their relationship.

 

If you have very blatantly told her what is going on and why it isn't working for you and she still is complacent and just "being a passenger" in the relationship then I can totally understand you ending it.

 

It sounds like you checked out of the relationship before you brought the full situation to your SO. To me that is sort of like giving up without trying. If you have already truly given up then I would just end it.

 

I can say, I have been with my wife for 13 years and I just turned 30, that I would never give up on her like that. I don't believe in any "the one" crap but we have made our relationship beyond great.

 

If you give up then you already subconsiously that there is something not right in your relationship. I can't even fathom feeling that. I would trust it means something. It sounds like you already know it is over but you are having a hard part telling her.

 

If you want to work at your relationship I bet you could actually have a good one. But if that desire isn't in you then it is impossible. Just don't give her any tiny window of hope.

[kolder]

It just sounds like you have no romance in your relationship. Doing the shift from romantic partner to roommate is pretty common.

 

Your pro/con list is pretty depressing. Most your pros are "meh" and pretty much the bulk of your cons would be a deal breaker to me.

 

I will say though that many of the issues you talk about or listed are mostly solvable in a healthy communicating relationship as they appear. Given that both people are committed to mutually working together for their relationship.

 

If you have very blatantly told her what is going on and why it isn't working for you and she still is complacent and just "being a passenger" in the relationship then I can totally understand you ending it.

 

It sounds like you checked out of the relationship before you brought the full situation to your SO. To me that is sort of like giving up without trying. If you have already truly given up then I would just end it.

 

I can say, I have been with my wife for 13 years and I just turned 30, that I would never give up on her like that. I don't believe in any "the one" crap but we have made our relationship beyond great.

 

If you give up then you already subconsiously that there is something not right in your relationship. I can't even fathom feeling that. I would trust it means something. It sounds like you already know it is over but you are having a hard part telling her.

 

If you want to work at your relationship I bet you could actually have a good one. But if that desire isn't in you then it is impossible. Just don't give her any tiny window of hope.

 

Thanks for your reply, all very valid points and some I haven't thought of so thankyou.

 

Regarding giving up I don't like to think I have given up as such, that does make me feel sad to think that. It's more I don't want to force or expect anyone to change. People don't change.

 

She is a lovely person and I am lucky to have her but I have always had this niggly feeling that she isn't the one. It's hard to describe. We get on great and our relationship is generally good, I just think we have different values and expectations in life.

 

For example I can see a big difference between her parents and mine. Without overanalyzing it too much I think we have just been brought up differently. However we share the same sense of humour and get on really well.

 

I can`t put my finger on it. Maybe it is compatibility. I have examples.....

[cnikko]

8 years is just a number but the feeling and laughter you share to each other is priceless and cannot compare to any number ,Listen and Talk to each other without anger ,

[kolder]

Thanks for the advice so far. Looking for more advice if possible....