To forgive, or to forget?

[weepingtom88]

Background:

I've been dating O on and off for nearly four years. I am 28 and she is 22, so the age/experience gap has been a significant issue at points, particularly when I was 24 and she was a freshman in college. We broke up after almost two years of dating, but kept seeing each other, eventually acknowledging that we were in an open relationship. We became closer again in the past year, and decided during a trip to Cuba this March to give monogamy another go. She graduated from college this summer and has been going through a lot of the associated growing pains.

 

She is from NYC originally, but less than a month ago moved back to our college town to live with me (for now) while she looks for a job and starts post-college life. We've had a somewhat tumultuous relationship -punctuated//interrupted by a long "break-up" - but things have been going better than ever these few weeks of living together. I've felt more in love with her than ever.

 

This Saturday night I was intoxicated after playing a show with my band and, as she slept next to me, I made the mistake of going through her text messages. This led me to discover that she had cheated on me when in Israel just six weeks ago. She claims no sex was involved and I believe her, but they exchanged a number of flirtatious text messages alluding to an evening spent together and plans to meet up again before her departure. She even sent him some sexy, but not revealing, photos after she had returned to NYC. They stopped talking to each other a couple of days after her trip and several weeks before she moved up here.

 

I also read her conversation with her best friend, and during this time she expressed guilt, confusion, fear and doubt surrounding our relationship. Her friend was advising her to break up with me (just because/fomo) and among her reactions were sentiments like "I know, but I'm a coward and I'm afraid to lose him but I don't want to keep hurting him" etc. It sounded like this may not have been her first affair, but given our long hiatus from monogamy, it's hard to say what else she could be feeling guilty about.

 

I reacted impulsively and furiously. I woke her up the next morning - I hadn't slept - told her what I'd seen and told her to get the f**k out of my house, we're done, I called her a piece of sh*t and a wh*re and just absolutely thrashed her verbally. I would never physically threaten her and I wasn't even particularly shouting.

 

Now of course I realize I should have taken more time to reflect on the situation, and I should have given her a chance to explain, particularly given that the only reason I found out about this affair was because I invaded her privacy. We have our problems and I do get frustrated with O over many things, but I care about her deeply and am far more devastated than I thought I would be at the prospect of losing my partner of four years, especially when we were in a positive period of growth.

 

Can anyone weigh in on what I should do here? Should I forgive her this transgression? Or are the lack of honesty and communication - and apparently persistent doubts about our relationship that she hid from me - insurmountable barriers for any relationship? She seems shocked and broken by this and I believe would like for me to take her back, despite the horrible things I said to her. Is the fact that I was so emotionally devastated by this - I have only cried for one other woman, my first love at age 19 - a sign that this is a relationship worth salvaging? Any wisdom or advice would be so greatly appreciated.

 

-J

[Giblesp]

There not much to say in the way of conciliation.

 

Bear in mind this is what you know about, there usually is more going on then you know and you don't ever want to know really.

 

The bad language on your part is inexcusable, there is no need to call her things like that. Your priority should be to apologize to her for that sort of abuse.

 

This relationship is pretty much over, learn from it and move on.

[Helpmesavethis]

I agree that there's likely way more going on or that has gone on with her than you know about....

I also know people say things they don't really mean when they're upset and hurt those they love the most with their words. I think everyone is guilty of this. Does that make it ok? No, but I can understand why you said them to her. I would most definitely apologize for this. Tell her you need her to come clean with everything she's ever done. Talk.. And go from there.... Just remember you may not like everything you hear and try your best to keep it cool when you hear those things... You don't want to say more things to hurt her that you don't really mean, even if she tells you things that hurt you... Two wrongs don't make a right...

[MyLifeMyChoice]

 

I also read her conversation with her best friend, and during this time she expressed guilt, confusion, fear and doubt surrounding our relationship. Her friend was advising her to break up with me (just because/fomo) and among her reactions were sentiments like "I know, but I'm a coward and I'm afraid to lose him but I don't want to keep hurting him" etc. It sounded like this may not have been her first affair, but given our long hiatus from monogamy, it's hard to say what else she could be feeling guilty about.

 

-J

 

I think you should focus your energies on this, right here. I've been in a similar situation in the past, and I feel like once a person is in this stage of the relationship, it would only be a matter of time until they let you go. Essentially, she's keeping you around because she's feeling guilty. It also doesn't sound like you can handle an open relationship since you flipped out on her. This is so unhealthy.

 

What is keeping you from being monogamous?

[weepingtom88]

Thank you all for taking the time to consider my situation and offer thoughtful advice. The open relationship chapter was difficult at times but we handled it quite well. Neither of us had any difficulty meeting and hooking up with other people, so it was more balanced than in some cases. There was jealousy at times in any case. We had been monogamous since at least this March when we re-committed to each other.

She swears this was a fluke borne of confusion and loneliness during an otherwise unpleasant Birthright trip to Israel. She confessed two other transgressions that really weigh on her - she slept with two of my friends, but this was two years ago and after we had broken up. I was pretty close with one of the guys, less so with the other, but both have moved far away and I haven't kept in close tough. Knowing about either of these hook-ups would have hurt at the time even though we were broken up, but it didn't sting all that much to find out about it now, two years later. I always knew she found both of them attractive and she didn't act on it until we had broken up, so I'm ambivalent about that. It shows poor self control and moral judgment, as does this more recent affair, but neither is unforgivable in isolation.

We talked in person just now and she swears that those texts don't reflect her feelings about the relationship. It seems like if she were looking for an opportunity to break up, this would have been it. I agree there are serious warning signs and I may be a fool, but I love her too much to not try to patch things up.

 

Thanks again for the advice. I'll post here again to let you know how it turns out, in case anyone is curious. Best of luck to you all in love and in life.

-J