Being ghosted or not?

[Lifeless]

This is going to be a long one as I am at my wits end so please bear with me.

 

A little of my background that I am learning through a bachelors in Psychology and seeing a therapist. I am a highly empathetic individual. I can walk in anyone's shoes and feel the pain they do. I am also highly extroverted. This leaves me making alot of acquaintances who think I am their good friend while I only attach myself to a select few individuals. But once I am attached I give it my all, to the extent of overdoing relationships. I have been recently told by my husband, closet relative and a few close friends that I have known me for decades that I am too kind and hard to keep up with. It ofcourse leaves a gaping hole in my heart realizing that I either have to invest less and not be myself in a relationship or never be fulfilled.

 

I met and married the love of my life 9 years ago. And he is the sweetest and kindest man I have known since my dad. So when about 3 years ago due to a minor car accident, I developed an ailment where I was mostly couch ridden except for going to work (I am the bread winner) and dragging myself to appointments to figure what is the root of my constant pain - I did not expect to be abandoned by my husband and family. My family only lives 2 states away, since I was unable to drive to them, not only they never visited they also gave me flack for missing important events and holidays. My husband who initially assisted me physically and emotionally, started a side business apart from his primary job which led to emotional infidelity 8 months ago. I am still working past all this unsure how to come back and build love and trust.

 

We finally found a diagnosis for me early this year that I was born with a defect that the car accident aggravated and the only solution is pain management. I have now fully returned to gym with personal training, am in the best shape of my life. I am driving again and for once in my life learning to put myself first. My husband is repentant and very supportive and we are hoping to work through this somehow.

 

Now whats the dilemma? I started a new job last summer. As I had moved to a brand new state not too long ago, I had no friends in the area. This meant sitting at home alone most days and feeling lonely without friends and family as well as my husband MIA. I ran into a coworker (male) due to a minor issue that I needed fixed. He seemed like a very kind hearted soul. And started to Instant Message me at work, just to pass time. There were several invites for lunches, workout with him and minor activities outside of work. I never interact with coworkers outside of work or eat lunch with them. But upon my therapist and husband's suggestion I decided to take the coworker up on his offers after getting to know him for 4 months. He has been in a long term relationship for about a decade, so I didn't think anything of it. I also have primarily male friends all my life. This coworker was the light of encouragement I needed after my diagnosis and encouraged me to drive again and exercise when no one else was their to push me out of my funk. We also talked about life and humans and why they are the way they are. We were still in the beginning stages of these lunch outings when we did have some weird discussion about would I ever be attracted to a male friend a mistake to which I firmly responded with, I have high morals. I never read them as disrespectful as among all my male coworkers they always talk to my face. But out of nowhere they opted to cease speaking to me. Multiple weeks go by with no contact. At first I thought they are busy with work. But no one is too busy for lunch and I knew they were eating lunch with others. I never initiated anything so I guess it was apparent they weren't reaching out to me anymore. Given my past I tend to just hide my feelings and walk away but my therapist suggested reaching out and asking what went wrong since I value them as a friend who has helped me become independent again.

 

I did just that and they claimed they have been busy. The weeks we didnt talk and I ran into them at work, they would always give me uncomfortable looks. During that conversation they reverted back to the friendly person I knew. But right after i got radio silence. Till one day we had a tornado warning and we all had to bunker down at work. I was hurt so I avoided them and spoke to everyone else around us. Somehow that triggered a reaction in them and they started to talk to me right there and then and the lunch invites came right back. In my head we became good friends from then on - we started working out once a week together outside of work, rarely did activites outside of work too and started to eat lunch with a group of people. I noticed everytime I called them a good friend, they will freak and say we are just work friends and we should wait and see where this goes. I never really understood that and thought they are emotionally closed off and hate labels. They have commitment issues in their long term relationship too hence no ring or marriage in the future. Everytime we will have this conversation they will slow down a little and not talk to me as much. The workout sessions will continue. Then I found out there other work friend who has been friends with them alot longer before I came around, hates me. She doesn't want me to eat lunch with them or even come to outside activities when she is around. They started to juggle us. This hurted my feelings because it felt like we are in high school. Although we are both in our 30s and the other coworker who dislikes me is probably in her late 40s. She knows nothing about me so I am not sure where the dislike stems from. This became a source of discussion as other coworkers started picking up on this.My male coworker felt torn and always complained this is getting too complicated. I tried to break apart from the group but they did not want that. They asked me what I want and they will do just that. I thought they need to make their own decision. Soon after that they launched into overdrive. We started to have one on one lunches and basically were joined at the hip. I thought thats what they wanted but after weeks of doing this when I asked they said they enjoy all our time together but wish once or twice they could eat with others. I was mortified and said I never wanted this.

 

We had some back and forth over the last few weeks where I suggested maybe this is getting too much drama and I constantly get hurt and feel like I am robbed of a friendship because of a third person's dislike of me. This once again led to them saying we aren't even friends. This is after they had come around and said we are good friends for a few weeks. I got hurt and offended and said maybe we should just discontinue this friendship because they shouldn't be this much back and forth and hard to maintain. They told me if thats what I want because thats not how they see it. That I am over reacting and should just go with the flow. I spent one day not talking to them and then realized that was a stupid mistake and apologized. Everything was great after a face to face talk but then I started to notice the pattern from earlier when they ghosted me. Now for a week all conversations are initiated by me. They told me to they cant work out with me at their place anymore and I should join their gym and be their gym partner there (I already had a feeling their gf was uncomfortable because they complimented me infront of her a few times). i asked a few times if they really want me to join their gym? Because I am not sure if they are lightly dropping and ghosting me? They kept saying no. Then they abruptly stopped walking out of work with me too. I reached out that evening with a text as I saw them literally drive off their car when I was walking to mine and I am sure they saw me. I said if they want to stop talking, please let me know so i will stop sending unwanted messages. I was hurt. I got a phone call that I by mistake missed and a voicemail about how they were in a rush and had to get to home for dinner. That everything is all good and they will talk to me tomorrow. But they continued to busy the next day. We did end up eating lunch once that week upon my request and they were pretty normal. Even mentioned that they arent in a rush to get back to work. But then once back at work they said they are busy.

 

At this point in time I am at a loss as to what is happening? Am I just expected to give them space? Am I being hinted at leaving them alone? From my perspective we had gotten pretty close where we shared things with each other that no one knows about us at work. The consensus of another male coworker, my husband and few other friends is that they liked me from day one. I never noticed that and still have a hard time believing it because if someone likes you they don't play these kinds of hot or cold mind games or put you through the ringer. What should I do?

[SherrySher]

I think you might like the drama otherwise you would have walked away from all this high school nonsense long time ago.

 

Focus on your marriage, maybe join groups that could lead you to women friends, such as hobbies you might like, meet up groups for walks or exercise. But as for the work people, don't bother, they all sound like immature children. Why you keep going back and chasing is beyond me.

[Lifeless]

I think you might like the drama otherwise you would have walked away from all this high school nonsense long time ago.

 

Focus on your marriage, maybe join groups that could lead you to women friends, such as hobbies you might like, meet up groups for walks or exercise. But as for the work people, don't bother, they all sound like immature children. Why you keep going back and chasing is beyond me.

 

There is a word limit on these things and I already wrote a novel. My husband and I are seeking professional help on a regular basis. I also see a therapist on the side. It has been the therapist idea all along to pursue this friendship and the attempts I made to break it off, were against her wishes. I can explain my behavior through attachment theory and I am working on changing that. But I wish changes can be made overnight. For now this friendship was all I had in a pool of mess that my life has been, hence I was trying to salvage it.

 

I have on multitude of occasions tried to make friends with females and it has always fallen apart. If you think this friendship is drama, I can't begin to describe how my friendships with females have gone. Catty comments and remarks eventually become an everyday thing with most women while I continue being supportive to them.

 

I do agree these people are a ton of drama, but I do believe had the one person not gone around talking behind my back none of this would be happening.

[eidetic]

This may be an age thing -- in your 40s, you may find that you approach work relationships differently, more lightly.

 

It bothers me that your therapist and husband both endorsed you taking lunches with ? another man? Attachment theory aside, that's ripe for emotional or physical infidelity. Reconsider that therapist and seriously -- be ok being solitary/independent if you are inclined.

 

The only thing you have to do with work colleagues is collaborate on the job. Fraternizing off the clock or even on it is not required.

[Lifeless]

This may be an age thing -- in your 40s, you may find that you approach work relationships differently, more lightly.

 

It bothers me that your therapist and husband both endorsed you taking lunches with ? another man? Attachment theory aside, that's ripe for emotional or physical infidelity. Reconsider that therapist and seriously -- be ok being solitary/independent if you are inclined.

 

The only thing you have to do with work colleagues is collaborate on the job. Fraternizing off the clock or even on it is not required.

 

You couldbe right about the age thing, I am not sure. All the jobs I previously held was with much younger crowd and folks did do ALOT more outside work. The only difference I had noticed is they never cared for cliques. Here I am the youngest - most of my coworkers have kids around my age, but they do have work friends and specific folks that invite to their home, do stuff with outside work. Unfortunately the male coworker in question is the only other person my age hence i am assuming we bonded.

 

As to why the therapist and husband suggested this therapist? I am a huge people person and have been hurting mentally and emotionally with no human interaction. I was the person in college with multiple leadership roles and governed student body. My injuries in the last few yrs have limited my reach to how far I can get with a car to seek out friends from college that now have kids or other priorities and can not make it to me OR reach activities in the area so I can meet new folks.

 

I was also truly dependent on my husband last 9 yrs and looked at him as a bestfriend. I really didnt need anyone else. But now he has a full time job and a business he is starting up. Although I am the primary bread winner - I feel loneliness like that of a bored housewife that stays home and has no one to interact with.

 

I am pretty stern on infidelity. They are actually trying to break me away from putting all my eggs in one basket like I did with my husband and ended up alone hence the push to make whatever friends i can.

 

But your thoughts are very much appreciated. Any and all thoughts are welcome