He (22 m) says that he's not my (22 f) top priority and I forget about him all of the time. Help?

[ohmannn]

Alright so I want to preface this with that I'm aware that my boyfriend is probably being pretty emotionally manipulative in this but just hear me out. I'm really into this guy and I feel like this can be worked out.

My boyfriend and I made plans the other day that we were going to have a casual dinner date with his family today- He told me to be at his house at 6 so when he got home from work we could just leave. I've been in class all day, sending him texts and grotesque photos of myself being miserable in my theology class and stuff. Everything was completely normal. Around 5pm I decide to get ready, I take a shower and try to make myself look presentable. I made the mistake of not bringing my phone into the bathroom with me while I was getting ready so I didn't really have a concept of what time it was. After I finish curling my hair (which is where my biggest mistake was made- it always takes forever so I should have known) I check my phone and it's 5:50. . His parent's house is 30 minutes away from mine.

I hadn't received any messages from him so I text him just saying "Hey let me know when you're finished with work" and he responds with "I've been done for a while lol are you on your way?"

I freak the heck out "I haven't left yet D and I apologized profusely explaining that I'm a huge airhead.

He then comes back with "This is like the 4th time you've forgotten about me" and I shouldn't expect him to always follow up with me to remind me that we had plans- It must not be a priority for me to remember.

This upsets me a lot. I told him that literally my entire day revolved around him and it was the only thing I was looking forward to. I'm just a big dumb idiot that didn't keep track of time which I admit is totally my fault.

He ended up not going out with his family and just stayed home. I offered to bring him food but he told me he wasn't hungry. What do I do? What else can I say? He's leaving for the weekend to go to a wedding so I won't see him for about a week.

[Hollyj]

He is being melodramatic and punishing you. On the other hand, if this has happened before, then you should make more of an effort to be on time, and be responsible.

 

If you have already apologized, do not do it anymore. Let him contact you, when he has cooled down. Tell him that you will change your ways, and be more reliable. Don't allow him to guilt trip you, as this is highly manipulative.

 

Be more considerate of others time.

[abitbroken]

Your boyfriend is not being emotionally manipulative. You needed to be at his house at 6 so that you could be at his parents' house at a good time.

YOU telling him that your day revolved around him is YOU being manipulative because that is not the truth. If you were focused on him, You would have gotten ready after class and would have been early to his house by just a little bit. Or if your class truly did get off at 5 pm, you would have taken a shower in the morning before classes and just changed your clothes after or would have styled your hair in your best quick pony tail.

 

If this is the fourth time that you have been waaay late with no regard for him - he has every right to be upset.

 

What can you do?? Be the heck ON TIME. Spend more time being on time and showing him you are interested by doing that rather than sending him a million selfies all day long.

[agent1607307371]

I'm aware that my boyfriend is probably being pretty emotionally manipulative in this but

 

Telling someone how you really feel isn't emotional manipulation, but he's not behaving incredibly well. But if you're constantly late and not bothering to be on time for plans with him, then yes, he is going to feel as though he is incredibly low down your list of priorities. Words are cheap, actions show us what people value. And you don't value his time.

[j.man]

While I am not a big fan of people falling short on their time commitments, I can forgive it. But this is what would upset me:

 

I text him just saying "Hey let me know when you're finished with work"

 

No, you didn't "text him just saying" that. You text him that hoping to use the fact he hadn't explicitly told you he was off work as an excuse for not having left the house yet. That kind of **** is NOT cool. If you're airheaded, you're airheaded, and while I don't really consider it an excuse, had you gone with that originally rather than your initial attempt to defelct, maybe it would have gone down a bit better.

 

THAT SAID, I have no idea on Earth how you being late equates to him not meeting up with his family altogether. That's its own bull****. I think he's free to be miffed that you couldn't be on time for the dinner date with his family, but him grossly exaggerating the consequence of it by simply staying home is uncalled for. It's unfair for him to claim that as collateral.

 

Basically, it looks like a case of dirty hands here. I have no idea how long you've been together or how much value the relationship has otherwise, but I think you've both got some personal developing to do. But given how you can only control you, I'd focus on how you can display a higher value for his time, especially if this is a pattern.

[MissCanuck]

Sorry OP, but I am much more inclined to see this from your boyfriend's perspective.

 

If you are frequently late (and it sounds like you have let that happen a few times) you need to look at your own behaviour. It is not very respectful or mature of you to not keep an eye on the time when you have a pre-arranged plan. Unless there was a good reason for your delay, you're just being lazy and selfish by not respecting a plan you'd already made. I once dated a man who was constantly late for no valid reason and it was infuriating and rude to be kept waiting so often.

 

Why did you wait so long to get ready? And why didn't you let him know you were running behind? Your whole day did not revolve around him, and he knows it. If that were true, you would have done a better job of making sure you were punctual. Calling yourself an airhead and dumb doesn't undo that.

 

You have apologized. There is not much more you can do than wait until he cools off, and then make more of an effort to show him you will change this.

[thorough]

Sorry OP, but I am much more inclined to see this from your boyfriend's perspective.

 

If you are frequently late (and it sounds like you have let that happen a few times) you need to look at your own behaviour. It is not very respectful or mature of you to not keep an eye on the time when you have a pre-arranged plan. Unless there was a good reason for your delay, you're just being lazy and selfish by not respecting a plan you'd already made. I once dated a man who was constantly late for no valid reason and it was infuriating and rude to be kept waiting so often.

 

Why did you wait so long to get ready? And why didn't you let him know you were running behind? Your whole day did not revolve around him, and he knows it. If that were true, you would have done a better job of making sure you were punctual. Calling yourself an airhead and dumb doesn't undo that.

 

You have apologized. There is not much more you can do than wait until he cools off, and then make more of an effort to show him you will change this.

 

I would say the same thing and would think my partner doesn't care enough about me to be on time. When you truly make someone a priority, you will remember to be on time.

[itsallgrand]

Generally if you make a mistake, fix it. I would be so pissed if my bf was late for our plans because he was curling his hair . If the idea of the family get together was for everyone to spend time together ( including with you), I might cancel it too. Not to punish, but because it would avoid the having to explain why we were so rude that we didn't show up on time. Easier to make plans for another day , for me, than stand there knowing the bf was curling his hair while family asks if everything is ok .

[abitbroken]

Generally if you make a mistake, fix it. I would be so pissed if my bf was late for our plans because he was curling his hair . If the idea of the family get together was for everyone to spend time together ( including with you), I might cancel it too. Not to punish, but because it would avoid the having to explain why we were so rude that we didn't show up on time. Easier to make plans for another day , for me, than stand there knowing the bf was curling his hair while family asks if everything is ok .

 

It may have been easier for him to tell them he was late at work and reschedule rather than show up without you, have them wonder if the two of you are on rocky ground, etc.

[nutbrownhare]

He's not handling it very well, but being consistently late is rude and disrespectful on your part.

 

It's telling the other person that their time is not as important as yours - and it's actually quite passive-aggressive. What makes it even worse is that you hadn't even thought about it - hence him complaining that you don't consider him important. After the fourth time of this happening, I don't blame him for being angry; I would be, too, and I know that in the past I've detached from friends who are repeatedly unreliable. I'm naturally very scatterbrained and disorganised or, as you put it "an airhead", but I certainly make the effort to get to places on time.

 

Did you actually apologise, or just try to explain it away? Whatever, it sounds as though he's sulking - as I said, he's not handling it very well, and this is not an honest way of expressing anger - and there's not a lot you can do. If you were the last person to make contact, then just leave him the space to simmer down and eventually get in touch.

 

But whatever happens with this guy, you need to look at your own time management; if you can get to class on time, you can get to his place on time. And if you can't get to class on time, that's something you really need to address.