Suspicions confirmed

[Starlight925]

I have a lengthy thread about my recently ended relationship already, but I wanted to start a new one.

 

Ended 1.5 year relationship due to inconsistencies, and insecurity, surrounding now-exBF's constant "receiving" of communications from exes. Swore up and down, back and forth, that he wasn't initiating any of these communications; however, there were multiple exes, constantly communicating via texts, Facebook posts, phone calls. For 1.5 years, I was called insecure and reminded repeatedly that he hadn't started any of the texts, yet the text strings were always deleted. I never snooped, but I told him it made me uncomfortable that he always had his phone face-down.

 

I do not believe he ever physically cheated, but I do believe that he has a "validation addiction". He needs to feel validated, adored, by females.

 

He unfriended the particular exes (3 at least, many more actually) who were sending Facebook messages. He did this over a year ago.

 

So we are in NC, and I have to admit, I looked at his Facebook page (we are no longer friends, but his is set to public). Yes, he has already re-friended one of the exes. The one who caused the most trouble actually.

 

He also is already on not 1, not 2, but FIVE dating sites already. I know this because he had called me last week and I straight up asked him. I actually re-opened my profile on the site he & I met, just to check the site out, and he views me daily, repeatedly. As in, 30 minutes ago, for the 3rd time today, already.

 

Seeing that he's already re-friended the ex who he supposedly hadn't spoken to in over a year confirms my suspicions all along:

I wasn't crazy. I wasn't insecure. I wasn't nuts. He is.

[Starlight925]

I'll add: I know that NC is meant to be total NC. I shouldn't be looking at his Facebook page. I get it!

 

However, I will say that while I feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, it makes me actually feel better to see this.

 

I was being gaslighted all along. This confirms it.

 

I actually watched "Gaslight" last weekend. Fascinating movie.

[ThatwasThen]

Seems he has trouble remaining in a relationship since he has so many ex girlfriends. Five dating sites? Yea... wave bubbye and do your best to NOT get yourself into the habit of creeping his facebook page or his other five dating sites. I always think that those that keep their facebook privacy settings wide open are using it as a dating site as well.

[Starlight925]

I always think that those that keep their facebook privacy settings wide open are using it as a dating site as well.

 

Actually you are exactly correct. He does use it as a dating site. He changed his status to "Single" during our relationship (we were talking about taking a break, and literally while I was on the phone with him, he changed it). He used it as a dating site prior to meeting me, and admitted to using it as one now.

 

Yes, I need to stop the creeping. I will say, it's helping me though. It's helping me to realize that first of all, I'm not crazy or insecure, and secondly, that what I thought all along was the case, is exactly the case. So after the initial ping of anxiety, it's helping me to fully move on.

[SherrySher]

Always listen to your instincts and to your gut.

[Starlight925]

A lot has been written about No Contact, delete all friends from social media, etc., but I just don't know that I believe in that.

 

The bit of contact we've had since our breakup has certainly helped knock him off the pedestal I had him on, and it continues to show me that I did the right thing.

 

He deleted me off all his social media, and he deleted my friends & family. Thus, he ended up telling them about the breakup before I had a chance to, as he changed his status to "Single", prompting a lot of calls and texts to me. It's fine, it's within his rights, but I wished he had taken a more controlled approach.

 

I did not delete any of his friends or family, and I told him that it was because I want the news to come from him to them, not from me, and I asked him to please let them know that once they hear the news, if they would like to delete me, I will not be offended, but that I'd like that to be their decision. Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this, but I just know how hard it was for me to receive all of that.

 

So, he's told everyone, and that's cool. No one has deleted me, which is also cool. At some point, yes, I'll delete them off of mine.

 

But I just got the nicest Facebook message from an extended family member of his. Other than this person, no one from his "team" has reached out to me....also fine. But I have to say, reading this nice message, and messaging back & forth with this person, was such an uplifting thing. He just said he was sorry to hear of our breakup, and I messaged back that it was so great to hear from him, and how much I appreciated his kindness, etc. I didn't even mention my ex, as this person is still in my ex's family, and I'm not about ex-bashing. This person also asked that we keep in touch via Facebook, indicating that he has no plans to delete me. It was such a kind gesture it made me cry.

 

I sent my ex a text today, letting him know that I appreciated all of the awesome times we had, and how much he had meant to me. He texted back (2 hours later, very unlike him) a sincere thank you. He read the text immediately (read receipts are on), but didn't respond for 2 hours. He responds to all texts very rapidly; in fact, one of our issues was that he always, always, always had his phone in his hand. The fact that he took 2 hours to respond indicates to me that he probably either wanted to think about what to say, or wanted to say something nasty and thought better of it, or something of that nature. Not that it's a concern to me, but it helps me put the puzzle together.

 

It's like a balloon that I'm releasing and watching as it floats away......

[DancingFool]

...I sincerely hope that you are indeed releasing this balloon and not joining his stable full of ex's turned quasi friends/fck buddies.

 

Now that you know that you aren't crazy and that he was gaslighting, I think it really is time for you to clean house, block him, get rid of his friends and family from your social media, etc. Make room for a new life and for someone else even if you aren't quite ready for that right now.

[Starlight925]

...I sincerely hope that you are indeed releasing this balloon and not joining his stable full of ex's turned quasi friends/fck buddies.

 

Now that you know that you aren't crazy and that he was gaslighting, I think it really is time for you to clean house, block him, get rid of his friends and family from your social media, etc. Make room for a new life and for someone else even if you aren't quite ready for that right now.

 

LOL, oh trust me, I am not joining his stable. What this is doing for me is to see the stable for what it is: as you so awesomely put it, a stable. It's allowing me to see that I wasn't crazy, that the stable did exist, that it still does exist, and that I wasn't just "insecure" (his favorite word for me).

 

In the movie "Gaslight", she is being driven crazy by her "wonderful, loving" husband who convinces her that she keeps misplacing things, even though he's actually taken them from her and hidden them from her. She ends up finally admitting that she's mad, because why else would she be so thoughtless as to misplace her favorite brooch that he gave her? If you haven't seen the movie, I won't spoil it for you, but it's highly worth watching.

 

In my situation, I'm realizing that my ex was holding onto his version of "the brooch" this whole time, but convincing me that I must be crazy.

[ThatwasThen]

A lot has been written about No Contact, delete all friends from social media, etc., but I just don't know that I believe in that.

 

The bit of contact we've had since our breakup has certainly helped knock him off the pedestal I had him on, and it continues to show me that I did the right thing.

Yes, but if I'm not mistaken, you dumped him, right? Its a whole lot different when you're the dumpee and that is when N/C helps with rehabbing from the habit of having that person in your life.

[Starlight925]

Yes, but if I'm not mistaken, you dumped him, right? Its a whole lot different when you're the dumpee and that is when N/C helps with rehabbing from the habit of having that person in your life.

 

Very true! NC really does help the dumpee most. In my case, I actually said the ending words, but he basically ended things when he told me that he was not going to budge one iota re: his exes, his communication style, etc. When I asked if he wanted to do any work to move forward, he said no, and I said that was something I couldn't live with. So he said "well then you need to make a decision".

 

So in my case it's a bit more ambiguous than just one person dumped the other.

 

I still have very strong emotions tied to this situation, so it's not just as easy as I dumped him, good riddance, moving on.

[Jibralta]

Good riddance! Onward and upward, LHGirl!

[Amelie8]

You are definitely not crazy.......I would definitely run and not look back. Sounds like he is in no way a help to your emotional state. I agree with you on looking at his facebook for validation of your feelings, but at the same time, I think you need to focus on you now, knowing who he really was. I don't blame you for looking. I'm sorry that he caused you pain, in what you felt as insecurity at the time, but at least you know you can trust your own intuition a bit more. Still though, I know break ups, especially ones you have emotionally invested in hurt deeply. I dumped someone I grew up with after 4 years of dating, about 4 years ago. I still think of him, but I knew he wasn't someone I could marry as time went on. That alone made me think it's time to break it off (lots of insecurities from him really). The pain of it is dwindled, but we never spoke again. So what has remained is the loss of that friendship. I know it was for the best, but I understand how painful it can be to just "move on". Know you're not alone

[MissCanuck]

OP, please be careful with your heart.

 

I understand that getting confirmation that he is indeed a shady character at least assures you that you were not losing your mind. And it was a kind gesture for the person from his family to reach out to you with their best wishes.

 

You know this man was dishonest, disrespectful and keeping doors wide open for other women. You know he's already on the hunt for a new woman.

 

And yet - you sent him a lovely little message today to thank him for the good times and remind him how much he meant to you. I am not quite sure why you felt the need to do so. You say you won't join his stable of exes, and I do indeed hope you are strong on that, but the fact that you're reaching out to a man who repeatedly took proverbial dumps all over you and your relationship is a little troubling. I think you're still looking for his approval.

[Starlight925]

I sent him the nice note for me, not him. So that I could finally, formally end it with grace. We've had our screaming matches, and I've participated in all of that. I decided to be a big girl, and send him something nice and heartfelt, and move on. Ending it with maturity rather than anger.

[DancingFool]

Very true! NC really does help the dumpee most. In my case, I actually said the ending words, but he basically ended things when he told me that he was not going to budge one iota re: his exes, his communication style, etc. When I asked if he wanted to do any work to move forward, he said no, and I said that was something I couldn't live with. So he said "well then you need to make a decision".

 

So in my case it's a bit more ambiguous than just one person dumped the other.

 

I still have very strong emotions tied to this situation, so it's not just as easy as I dumped him, good riddance, moving on.

 

No question that you've made the right decision to dump him. I mean he very much told you that you either accept his pile of manure and being treated like garbage or you can dump him and you know what? He is probably still reeling in shock that you actually had the guts to dump him. Bravo to you! This is definitely a case of good bye, good riddance and moving on!

 

You might want a guy who will fck your brains out in bed and rock your world, but you NEVER want a guy who will try to fck your mind and insult your intelligence.

[Starlight925]

Update: Not going totally NC has been helping me to realize I'm not crazy, nor was I insecure.

 

Early in our relationship, he had an ex who just. wouldn't. go. away. This ex had furniture still had his place, she Facebook-posted every chance she got, she basically crossed so many boundaries it was insane. I asked him, begged, cried, pleaded, for him to do something to enforce boundaries with her, but he never would do it. So she continued for well over a year, until we finally blew up. She clearly still had feelings for him that she made well-known, and I just had this.....feeling.....that he wasn't so innocent in all of this. I have gone to FOUR different therapists about this issue, and when explained clearly, they feel the same way. I went to a FIFTH therapist with him, about this issue, and that therapist told him that he needs to block her. He did not.

 

I creeped his Facebook page (I know, I know) the other day, and lo and behold, he just re-friended her.

 

So, today, when he was texting me, I asked him about her. He said she just randomly sent him a Facebook message, so they are now "Facebook friends" again, nothing romantic. OK cool. But then, I asked how she knew he was single, to just randomly send a message? And he hemmed and hawed in his texts, and then finally said that he called her when we broke up, to ask her how her house did in our flood.

 

So she didn't just "randomly" send a message? So he actually called her? And lied to me about it? Which was what Every. Single. Therapist. told me he'd do to me....again.

 

I'm actually glad I haven't gone full NC up to this point, as it's helping validate SO MUCH for me.

[reinventmyself]

Update:

I'm actually glad I haven't gone full NC up to this point, as it's helping validate SO MUCH for me.

 

The goal here is not care anymore and to trust your gut.

You should be able to validate yourself that he was a scumbag and not keep asking him to verify it for you.

All this prevents you from detaching. Clearly you have enough information to call it.

 

You sent him a nice note and now you are exchanging old history.

Sometimes we kid ourselves that this is helpful. . .sometimes it's just an excuse to drag out the inevitable.

If it were me, I'd rather be on the other side of this and not still swimming in the middle of it all.

[Starlight925]

The goal here is not care anymore and to trust your gut.

You should be able to validate yourself that he was a scumbag and not keep asking him to verify it for you.

All this prevents you from detaching. Clearly you have enough information to call it.

 

You sent him a nice note and now you are exchanging old history.

Sometimes we kid ourselves that this is helpful. . .sometimes it's just an excuse to drag out the inevitable.

If it were me, I'd rather be on the other side of this and not still swimming in the middle of it all.

 

Great points! I do wish to be on the other side of this, rather than swimming in the middle.

 

I guess if I'm being completely honest, I'm still having those feelings of insecurity, or craziness. Finding out this new info: that he did, in fact, reach out to her literally days after our breakup, and he then lied to me: well, that just about does it.

[reinventmyself]

Great points! I do wish to be on the other side of this, rather than swimming in the middle.

 

I guess if I'm being completely honest, I'm still having those feelings of insecurity, or craziness. Finding out this new info: that he did, in fact, reach out to her literally days after our breakup, and he then lied to me: well, that just about does it.

I am no stranger to feeling crazy. . but `don't go to the very thing that hurt you for comfort'

 

The best way to get uncrazy is get distance from the source. You are still engaging him. That's crazy!

 

If you need to talk about it. .. talk about it here, talk to a friend, family, therapist

but dear lord girl, stay away from crazy.

 

You've gotten all the info you need . . any more craziness is on you

[reinventmyself]

You are also over focusing on him and his actions.

You need to start putting all the effort you expend on him into yourself.

 

How did you get in this situation? What attracted you to him? What about you attracts men like him?

Why didn't you think you deserved better?

Why do you still engage him?

 

There is a lot to learn here from this.

Learn these lessons now so you don't repeat them again.

First step. . stop focusing on him and detach.

[Starlight925]

Great insights, reinventmyself.

 

I'm still engaging him because it's helping me to put the puzzle together. Each time we talk, another "I'm not crazy, he's ridiculous" piece of the puzzle fits in.

 

Years ago, I was married to someone who suddenly divorced me. Heartbroken, devastated, you name it. Months later, I found out he had been cheating on me for a long time. I found out by accident (hotel bills were accidentally sent to me at my new address!), and I had this aha! moment. Like, I wasn't crazy or insecure....he was a cheating loser. Once those final puzzle pieces were put down, I was able to fully disengage and move on. Oh, the fact that he hemmed & hawed and tried to lie his way out of black & white hotel bills, was.....priceless.

 

I'm sort of going through the same relationship autopsy right now. It does help me, as these pieces fall into place, and paint a much clearer picture: He's immature. He's a liar. He reached out to the very person he swore a million times he had no relationship with. He .... x.....y......z.....

 

I will most definitely dust myself off and move on. This process is important for me, as if I don't fully disengage, I'll carry this stuff into my next relationship.

[Jibralta]

Early in our relationship, he had an ex who just. wouldn't. go. away. This ex had furniture still had his place, she Facebook-posted every chance she got, she basically crossed so many boundaries it was insane. I asked him, begged, cried, pleaded, for him to do something to enforce boundaries with her, but he never would do it. So she continued for well over a year, until we finally blew up. She clearly still had feelings for him that she made well-known, and I just had this.....feeling.....that he wasn't so innocent in all of this.

 

Just a thought... You and this persistent ex could be standing in the same shoes. He could just as easily have been telling her (and whomever else), "LHGirl just keeps calling me. She won't leave me alone." Based on your post-relationship communication, he seems very comfortable with keeping the lines open with exes.

[Starlight925]

Just a thought... You and this persistent ex could be standing in the same shoes. He could just as easily have been telling her (and whomever else), "LHGirl just keeps calling me. She won't leave me alone." Based on your post-relationship communication, he seems very comfortable with keeping the lines open with exes.

 

Thank you for confirming, and validating, what I've thought for a very long time.

 

This was a huge issue in our relationship, as he not only had this ex, but multiple exes, still calling, texting, Facebook-posting. He said they were all "crazy", and how could he keep "crazy" women from contacting him?

 

As a friend pointed out, if he were to have one ex that was crazy, that's on her. But 2, 3, more? That's on him. That means he either made horrible choices, or these women really aren't crazy but are being strung along by him.

 

All of his exes are a "type" that he goes for: highly educated, professional, attractive women. So you're telling me that all of these amazing women are bunny boilers? Um, don't think so. Especially since I just caught him in another lie.....yesterday!!! And I have it in text, and I'm saving it, anytime I want to remind myself.

 

As I had said earlier, I've been to a total of FIVE therapists in the past year. One was with him! All FIVE, including his, said the same thing: he will lie to you again. It took me this long to see it.

 

So yeah, thank you for your comments Jibralta. It does help me as I process through this!

[DancingFool]

With your marriage and now with this guy, there seems to be a common theme where you are steadfastly refusing to see the obvious - the guy is lying to you and cheating on you....even after being caught red handed, you are still questioning him, rather than how are you not able to see it while it's happening. While you are being gaslighted.....I mean 5 different therapist told you flat out he is the problem, but you still didn't want to really hear that. I think you need to spend a whole lot more energy on why that is, rather than autopsy and "oh yeah, I wasn't crazy." I mean, yeah you weren't crazy, but the real heart of the issue is you never were crazy, yet you allowed two men in a row to mentally abuse you like that for lack of a better way of putting it. You are refusing to trust yourself, your judgment, your instincts while bad things are happening in your face - why is that is what you need to sort and, more importantly, how to make yourself trust yourself and your judgment faster so you get rid of these losers quickly - before you get so deeply enmeshed that getting out becomes so hard.

[DancingFool]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you didn't need 5 different therapist to tell you he is a liar, you didn't need even the first one. You knew he is a liar before you ever scheduled that appointment with the first therapist. The same way you don't really to keep staying in touch with him now or trolling his FB to confirm and reconfirm what you've known all along. For whatever reason, you don't listen to your own inner voice and don't walk away fast enough early enough. Please work on that and figure that out because what you are doing now may make you feel better right now, but it won't stop you from making this same mistake over and over again.