Need your opinion on this break.

[vmaypa]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, and on Saturday she decided to take a break from me because I've been having issues with jealousy and insecurity for a whole week. Basically I've been bothering her almost everyday about this new guy who was introduced to our group of friends. She initiated the break because I was basically causing her so much stress that she needed space away from me and that I needed to clear my head and deal with my jealousy before we can get consider getting back together. So far we haven't seen each other since Sunday, and I have been letting her text me since she asked for the break. We don't intend on seeing each other until Saturday, which on the day we had planned on going to the Olympia Convention together. I've been so worried on this break that we might not end up back together. With her texting me saying good morning and wanting to go with me to the event on Saturday do you guy's think there is a possibility of us getting back together as long as I learn how to control my jealousy issues? I don't know why I've been so jealous the past week.

[DanZee]

It sounds like there's a chance, but you have to clean up your act. You're getting jealous for no reason. You're basically trying to control her by reacting this way. And that's the quickest way to drive her away.

 

Stop picking fights over minor things. Stop being negative. Get rid of your jealousy. I will give you the married guy's mantra: "Yes, honey. Yes, dear. Whatever you say." Only stand your ground on something that's really important to you by saying, "I see your point, but here's why I can't do that." Never call her stupid or belittle her because you're the stupid one if you're saying your girlfriend's stupid.

 

If you want to keep her back as a girlfriend, learn to be a gentleman. You will be treated 10x better in the end.

[vmaypa]

So with her texting me, "morning" everyday since the break on Sunday, and her wanting to hang out with me at the even on Saturday there is a possibility of us getting back together as long as I clean up my act? I sort of told her I missed her today when she texted me, and she told me to stop, and reminded me that we were on a break. What do you guys think of that? With her telling me that, it kind of makes me feel like we're on a break to break up for good, or was I wrong by telling her that too early in the break?

[reinventmyself]

So with her texting me, "morning" everyday since the break on Sunday, and her wanting to hang out with me at the even on Saturday there is a possibility of us getting back together as long as I clean up my act? I sort of told her I missed her today when she texted me, and she told me to stop, and reminded me that we were on a break. What do you guys think of that? With her telling me that, it kind of makes me feel like we're on a break to break up for good, or was I wrong by telling her that too early in the break?

 

If someone is asking for space, don't close in on that space. It sounds like you had good intentions and seeing she is reaching out then I suppose you felt ok to do so too. It's too soon to tell the outcome but try to refrain on contacting her and continue working on yourself.

I honestly don't know how 7 days can cure jealousy but I also think there may be more to the story.

[vmaypa]

How long do you guys think I should wait for her to consider wanting to get back or start working things out before I throw in the towel? She has told me that she wouldn't consider dating anyone else, or even think of getting another's guy's number, so I believe her when she tell's me that and for the most part she has been really open and honest with me. I just don't want to wait so long and wonder why she hasn't taken me back if she still texts me and wants to hang out. I want her has my girlfriend again and not a friend.

[Edgar]

Believe me, she already meets with another. And it's only you who are to blame for this. My advice is to build a new relationship with another person and get rid of a feeling of jealousy, this destroys love.

[vmaypa]

How do you know that? We actually talked yesterday and she said she wasn't talking to anyone or would consider doing it, and if she was she would openly tell me. I sort of brought up the break and she said that she doesn't know what she wanted yet, and didn't want to talk about the break. Now today, she hasn't texted me at all today and I gave her the space she wanted. This is actually the first time she hasn't texted me. I was going to follow up with her in a week, but I wasn't going to ask bout the break. I was going to see how she was doing and have her bring up the break and go from there. A friend of mine texted her yesterday as well and asked about our relationship, and she said that it wasn't doing so well because of my jealousy, he did mention that when things do get better that we should double date, which she agreed to. So idk if that gives me hope or what, but I know I have to work on my jealousy issues...

 

My questions is, if we're both on a break how do we truly know the break is over? Would we just talk about it and work on it from there? I know we can't just end the break and get back together like nothing happened, I just don't know how to go about trying to make things better.

[MissCanuck]

How do you know that? We actually talked yesterday and she said she wasn't talking to anyone or would consider doing it, and if she was she would openly tell me. I sort of brought up the break and she said that she doesn't know what she wanted yet, and didn't want to talk about the break. Now today, she hasn't texted me at all today and I gave her the space she wanted. This is actually the first time she hasn't texted me. I was going to follow up with her in a week, but I wasn't going to ask bout the break. I was going to see how she was doing and have her bring up the break and go from there. A friend of mine texted her yesterday as well and asked about our relationship, and she said that it wasn't doing so well because of my jealousy, he did mention that when things do get better that we should double date, which she agreed to. So idk if that gives me hope or what, but I know I have to work on my jealousy issues...

 

My questions is, if we're both on a break how do we truly know the break is over? Would we just talk about it and work on it from there? I know we can't just end the break and get back together like nothing happened, I just don't know how to go about trying to make things better.

 

Yes. Communication is vital to making a relationship work. Without talking about the issues that damaged it, the relationship will fail. You can't let it go on indefinitely, but I would give it a couple more weeks. She cannot reasonably expect you to wait on the sidelines forever, either.

 

I can't say whether she already has her eye on someone else. What I can tell you, though, is that people are almost never honest and open about if they do. Sure, they say will tell you. But in my experience, that rarely actually happens. Most who do it would never admit to it, because they know it will make them look bad.

[vmaypa]

As far as bringing up the topic of the break to her, should I just check in with her in about a week to see how she's doing, and just have her mention, or bring up the break? I was talking to a friend who was giving me advice, and she said it would be best if I did it that way, instead of bringing up the topic myself because it would make it seem as if i'm rushing things and not giving her the space she wanted. I really want this relationship to work and I'm trying my best to not message her and just work on myself in the meantime.

[MissCanuck]

As far as bringing up the topic of the break to her, should I just check in with her in about a week to see how she's doing, and just have her mention, or bring up the break? I was talking to a friend who was giving me advice, and she said it would be best if I did it that way, instead of bringing up the topic myself because it would make it seem as if i'm rushing things and not giving her the space she wanted. I really want this relationship to work and I'm trying my best to not message her and just work on myself in the meantime.

 

I would check in, yes. Give it a week before doing so. Ask her how she's feeling.

 

In truth, space won't fix the problems between you. Yes, it might help her to clear her head and help you to get control over your insecurity. But you two will at some point need to talk about what happens next. If you stay together, what are you both going to do to make the relationship a healthy one?

 

You say you were insecure about a new guy in the group. Was she doing something specific that triggered your insecurity, or has this been a recurring issue throughout the relationship? What were you saying or doing prior to the break that caused her so much distress? I have been with someone who was very irrationally jealous, and it is indeed draining. It kills attraction. I got tired of needlessly defending myself and eventually lost interest in my ex. Is that what happened here, do you suppose? We can give you better feedback if you give some more details of what exactly transpired before she asked you for space.

[vmaypa]

My insecurity hasn't been recurrent, and it only happened for 1 weekend. Prior to the break, I basically kept asking her questions about the guy whenever we hung out with our group of friends and this guy. I was basically asking her if she thought he was cute, if she liked him, and I only brought up these questions in regards to her actions. For instance, one night we all went swimming after working out at the gym and this guy was there and while myself and the guy's were in the pool, I noticed that she kept looking at him, so when we had left I had asked her again if she had anything for this guy. I know I need to control this insecurity and just trust her because she did say I was acting gross and that it was pushing her away. I ended up pushing her away one night when we were at a friends house for game night and the only people left were myself, my girl, another couple (our friends) and the 4 new friends in our group who were guys. That night, I was going to go home, and my girl wanted to stay with everyone and drink, and also spend the night at that house, which was our friends house. I felt uncomfortable with her staying and I basically told her about it and she didn't see why I was getting upset about her spending the night when it was just her and one other girl and everyone else were guys and on top of that they were all going to drink. I yelled at her because she couldn't see my point even though she kept telling me that our friend was going to be there and wouldn't let anything happen. Now the only reason why I got upset was because this guy that I'm so insecure about, kept saying stupid things like, "lets play strip poker," even though they said he was "joking." He and 2 other guys ended up leaving, so I was okay with her spending the night there, even though 1 of them I trusted. So the morning of, she texted me and said that we needed to take a break....

 

It's been a week and 2 days that we've been on this break. We did see each other on Saturday, but only to go to a convention in town, but she said that we were still on a break and didn't want to hang out after that day. After that day she didn't text me for a day and a half, and I sort of texted her to ask how she was doing since she was the last one to initiate contact through text. I've spoken to 2 of her friends and they said that she's been asking them for advice on what she should do on our relationship. They said that she still couldn't make up her mind and that she doesn't know what she wants yet. I don't know why it's so hard for her to decide what she wants and why she has to go to multiple friends to give her advice. I only know this because they told me because I've been asking for their advice as well. I'm so afraid I'm going to end up losing her.

 

How do I go about with this break? Should I only let her contact me? That day when she didn't message me for a day and a half, she was basically asking her friends for advice, but she also went out with them to drink and sort of party. Is it okay for me to ask to hang out with her, or possibly have lunch/dinner over the weekend? Like I mentioned, I don't want to bring up the break to her and make it feel like I'm suffocating her, so I want her to bring it up herself.

[vmaypa]

Also how should I got about bringing up the break to talk to my girl? Should I even ask her to talk about it this weekend since it'll be two weeks, or should I just let her bring it up herself? I don't want to ask her and make it feel like I'm forcing her to make a choice, but at the same time I don't want this to keep dragging for so long while I wait for an answer from her. I do want to stay with this girl, so idk what to do.

[vmaypa]

... i can't sleep, and it's so hard for me to focus on studying.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, I feel it would be okay to ask her if she feels like talking this weekend about where things are at. You have been honoring her request for space so far, so it's only fair that you are able to ask her to chat.

 

She can't expect you to hang around endlessly, wondering what is on her mind. I have to ask, though, how was your relationship going prior to this bout of insecurity? I wonder because if this was an isolated incident, I could understand her being unimpressed with your behaviour - but to ask for a break altogether makes me question whether she was already feeling disconnected from you and reconsidering the relationship.