Need relationship advice

[Metalone]

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 1 year 8 months and the most of the time everything goes great, unless I

At the start she told me that she had many guy friends and I told her that's ok just as long as the relationships stay as friends, no overly flirting and no sexual advances. I also need to say that we work together and many of her guy friends, I know or friends of mine know them. She agreed to this but since we have been together several guys have been trying to coerce her into bed, giving her expensive gifts (guy is married), other guy trying to convince her that all American couples swap partners, so it is ok and I must be doing it as well. Another guy heard we got engaged and he told her I was a bad person and shouldn't marry me. He stated the reason why is that I was yelling at a vendor and i am not nice, he made up the story and I had to prove it to her by talking to the vendor with her. I told her she can't have guys like these as friends and she doesn't want to stop. I am confident that she won't do anything with them, but to me it is very disrespectful for her to let this go on and my friends I work with even tell me the stories. Her philosophy is that the guys can say anything just as long as she doesn't have sex with them, so it's ok.

The second issue is that she has an ex with two younger kids 4 and 7. Her daily interactions with the ex is like they still have a relationship but are separated. The problem is that she protects him over me, when I repeat anything negative about him that she told me, she jumps to his defense stating how good he is. When he talks to her, he dictates how she should act as a mother and as a person, she just listens as if he is in charge or her. When it comes to the kids, if she has them, he will call her to ask how are the kids when he knows they are in school and she does the same when he has them. There are several additional reasons why there relationship makes me uncomfortable - when we started dating, she told me that she waited for him to come back to her for 1 year 9 months, but gave up and started dating me, once I was walking with her holding her hand, and he was coming to drop off the kids, she saw him and pulled her hand from mine and moved away from me - I asked her why she did that and she just said she didn't know why. I told her that it appears she still loves him, she told me she loves only me?

Thank you for the help. I love her very much but these problems are very difficult.

[thealchemist]

It sounds like your are a rebound and she isn't over her ex. Those are some pretty huge glaring red flags that typically spell disaster for a relationship.

 

I don't see any healthy thing here other than trying to move on...

[ThatwasThen]

You've talked to her about this but she's not willing to change or even consider your feelings when these guys disrespect HER and you. She's too naïve to see that what they are doing isn't flattery to her but rather disrespectful and inappropriate. Anyway, if you can't communicate to her in a way that enables her to see that then I guess you're with the wrong girl. It doesn't matter if you love her, continuing on with someone that you're not compatible with in romantic boundaries is just not going to help you to ever feel calm and content

[pippy longstocking]

Makes me wonder how much she is loving this attention to be honest and why she is telling you all these tales ..all sounds a bit far fetched to me .

[Metalone]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to show her that it is wrong but hasn't worked.

[pippy longstocking]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to show her that it is wrong but hasn't worked.

 

She likes it ...simple as that

[Metalone]

there all true, a lot of what happens with her guy friends was heard by my very close friends and I have seen and heard her interactions with her ex.

[Metalone]

I agree, but she seems to value the need for attention over doing the right thing

[pippy longstocking]

there all true, a lot of what happens with her guy friends was heard by my very close friends and I have seen and heard her interactions with her ex.

 

OK fair enough ...but I still don't know why she gives you a running commentary of this attention

 

I told her she can't have guys like these as friends and she doesn't want to stop

 

she doesn't want to stop because she is loving it ....

[ThatwasThen]

Yea... I agree with Pippy. She likes the attention and she certainly doesn't want to make her ex feel jealous if she's moving away from you when she sees him coming.

 

I think you know enough about her to know that you'd not be able to put up with her shinanigans for the rest of your life ~ so don't. Try one more time to tell her how their disrespect of you and your and her relationship and if she doesn't stop her interactions with them after that, then you'd do well to end things with her and after you've healed, go on to find someone with a better set of romantic relationship boundaries.

[pippy longstocking]

I agree, but she seems to value the need for attention over doing the right thing

 

yep ...you got it

[Metalone]

Yea... I agree with Pippy. She likes the attention and she certainly doesn't want to make her ex feel jealous if she's moving away from you when she sees him coming.

 

I think you know enough about her to know that you'd not be able to put up with her shinanigans for the rest of your life ~ so don't. Try one more time to tell her how their disrespect of you and your and her relationship and if she doesn't stop her interactions with them after that, then you'd do well to end things with her and after you've healed, go on to find someone with a better set of romantic relationship boundaries.

 

That is what I was thinking as well. Right now I am staying away from her to give us a break and when we are ready to resume, I want to see if she will stop or continue.

[lostandhurt]

Don't hold your breath waiting for her to change.

 

I am curious why her and her ex broke up? Did she have all kinds of "guy" friends then too?

 

She loves the attention from these guys and thinks as long as a penis doesn't end up inside her everything is fair game.

 

You must be in love because you are in deep trouble I am afraid.

 

Time to cut her loose and find a woman that knows how to respect a relationship, herself and her life. These guys just want to bang her and she knows it and yet encourages it right in front of you.

 

Why you are even asking the question is my question. This is wrong on so many levels it sounds made up.

 

Lost

[Metalone]

Don't hold your breath waiting for her to change.

 

I am curious why her and her ex broke up? Did she have all kinds of "guy" friends then too?

 

She loves the attention from these guys and thinks as long as a penis doesn't end up inside her everything is fair game.

 

You must be in love because you are in deep trouble I am afraid.

 

Time to cut her loose and find a woman that knows how to respect a relationship, herself and her life. These guys just want to bang her and she knows it and yet encourages it right in front of you.

 

Why you are even asking the question is my question. This is wrong on so many levels it sounds made up.

 

Lost

 

I wish it was made up, but it's not. She learned this type of attitude from her sister, during the time she broke up with her ex.

I asked why she wasn't with her ex and she stated he cheated on her and when he left he didn't go back to her.

[thealchemist]

I wish it was made up, but it's not. She learned this type of attitude from her sister, during the time she broke up with her ex.

I asked why she wasn't with her ex and she stated he cheated on her and when he left he didn't go back to her.

It really sounds like you are a doormat. She is extremely disrespectful to you and you just take it.

 

That lack of boundaries with other men would have caused me to walk out on her the first time I brought it up and she dismissed me as being crazy.

 

Men don't typically repeatably chase a girl if she isn't giving any attention back. Not always the case obviously, but if a girl is being chased like that in a professional work environment and it continues I would think she likes it. Otherwise she should have involved HR by now.

 

She allows these guys to give her this attention and probably condones it, from the way it sounds in your post.

 

I think you should move on, and next time don't put up with a Gf that treats you this way and has no boundaries.