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Where to draw the line in an abusive relationship?


sisiwi2017
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I have been going out with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. I live with him and have so for over a year. Things have always progressed quite quickly in our relationship, I moved into his house within 6 months of seeing each other.

 

I started to notice signs of abuse the first couple of times we started seeing each other however I dismissed it as he was drunk. Then, it was only verbal abuse from calling me a b*tch to fat and ugly etc.... He always apologised in the morning and was so sorry for what he had said. The first time he hit me was when we went on a weekend away and he slapped me in the face. He doesn't always do it and has only done it about 8-10 times in our relationship but again, we have only been seeing each other for two years. Last night, we argued about me potentially going to a party with a friend and because I said I didn't know whether I was going or not, he punched me in the face and got really irate about the whole situation. He said that I just wanted to go out and act like a slag and I shouldn't be with him if I wanted to go partying all the time, baring in mind I hadn't been out in over a year. The worst arguments where he has hit me quite bad and shooked on the floor have always been on holiday. I think this is because his mom lives at home with us where he can't obviously do that. I'm just scared that in the future when we have our own house, he is going to constantly do it when we are on our own. I really don't what to do anymore. I am really in love with him and believe that he can change. The fact that he doesn't always abuse me and it happens occasionally makes me want to stay. I know it sounds stupid.

 

I have had an abusive relationship in the past which was way worse where he would control everything I did and who I saw which is maybe the reason why I tolerate my currents boyfriend's behaviour as it isn't as bad.

 

Please give me advice.

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The only advice anyone should give you is to leave him. You should NEVER tolerate physical violence. You should NEVER tolerate being called fat or ugly. Not when he's drunk, not when he's upset, NEVER. After it happened ONE TIME, you should've walked away. No body gets to be little you, unless you let them. You've got to get into some therapy, and leave this jerk!

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Will he change? Has he changed since he first did it? Obviously not. Do you see him one day saying 'I should probably stop doing that' and stopping? If you do, you are fooling yourself. He will not stop, ever.

 

What you are showing is codependency and by staying with him you are saying you are okay with being treated the way you are. And just because he is not as bad as the last guy doesn't mean you should stay with him. Any abuse, be it from a man or women is too much abuse.

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He hits you? You need to pack your bags and get out of there. The only way he'll change is to get worse. Your life is on the line with this azzhole. Nobody should ever lay a hand on anyone else for any reason, ever.

 

You say you love him, well that's not love. You are in love with what you wish he was not what he really is. Which is a drunken abuser.

 

Get out NOW. Dont look back.

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Oh hun. I agree with the previous posts. Leave this guy. The reason you cannot stay in this relationship any longer is because you're being mentally, physically and emotionally abused. A guy who hits a women is not a man! There is no reason for any type of abuse period. Don't make excuses for him anymore. 2 years is too long to put up with him. There is a reason why he's abusive. Clearly he has NO respect for you and doesn't care about your feelings. You need to tell him that he needs to go see a therapist. If he says No, then tell him you are leaving him for good and never coming back. Pack up all of your stuff from the house and go so he knows you are serious. If he wants to 'change' and make things right with you he needs to seek help. You will meet a new guy who will love, adore you and treat you like how a women needs to be treated.

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I can only echo what everyone else has said; the only way of stopping the increasing levels of violence and abuse is for you to leave. Are you aware of the "cycle of abuse"? If not, you may find this information interesting: [url="

 

Unfortunately, hanging on in an abusive relationship in the hope that the other person will change WILL drain you of any confidence or sense of self-worth... and it's very, very unlikely he'll do so. Though he's very likely to apologise and promise you the earth if he thinks you're going to leave. The aim of this is not because he has any intention of changing, but is a way of making sure he retains control over you.

 

While I get what webgal's saying, don't just walk out, and don't tell him you're leaving unless you've got a clear escape route, i.e. somewhere to stay, the means of getting there etc etc. There are many online resources that can help with this.

 

The longer you stay, the worse it's likely to get. You are right to be concerned about what will happen if you two ever got a house together, and though it doesn't seem 'that bad' at the moment you would be wise to leave before it does.

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verbal abuse from calling me a b*tch to fat and ugly etc.... The first time he hit me was when we went on a weekend away and he slapped me in the face. He doesn't always do it and has only done it about 8-10 times in our relationship but again, we have only been seeing each other for two years. , he punched me in the face and got really irate about the whole situation. He said that I just wanted to go out and act like a slag and I shouldn't be with him if I wanted to go partying all the time, baring in mind I hadn't been out in over a year. The worst arguments where he has hit me quite bad and shooked on the floor have always been on holiday. I think this is because his mom lives at home with us where he can't obviously do that. I'm just scared that in the future when we have our own house, he is going to constantly do it when we are on our own. .

OP, please read all the parts in bold. Really absorb your own words. ........ and then you really still have to ask "where to draw the line on abuse?". Really?? I just cannot get my head around WHY on earth you choose to stay with this very toxic, dysfunction and very abusive jerk (one cannot even call him a man, sorry). Honestly, to answer your main question as to where to draw the line, you should have drawn the line at the very first sign of abuse, be it verbal, emotional or physical - you should have left there and then. Surely, after two years of this, you have more than clear signs that this man IS a walking time bomb and it won'y be too much longer before you find yourself in hospital and then eventually dead. No, that is not being dramatic - it is a fact.

 

I really don't what to do anymore. I am really in love with him and believe that he can change. The fact that he doesn't always abuse me and it happens occasionally makes me want to stay. I know it sounds stupid.

OP, you are being very very naive if you honestly believe he can change. Trust me, he will NOT change - if anything, be prepared for a lot worse and a lot more to come. This jerk has major major issues and needs intensive therapy and even then, I highly doubt he'll ever change his true colours.

 

You have shown him that you will allow him to treat you this way. He now knows he can do whatever he likes with you, beat you and abuse you, and hey, she'll still stay with me anyway. YOU allow him to abuse you. YOU have the power to change this. It is on YOU to show him no more. Show him you have some self-respect and pack your bags and walk out and never, ever, return.

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If you stay, you'd be dead within the next few years. And I'm not kidding.

 

 

Get out. He will never ever change. You take his abuse so he doesn't respect you. He's punched you for God sakes. Would you want your future daughter to be with a man like this? Would you like her to see this in action?

Be strong, walk away.

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Many abusers move relationships way too fast because they don't have good boundaries. They violate your boundaries from the beginning. When you should have just simply been getting to know you better, they are moving in. Please get away from him as fast as you can. A man hitting you ONE TIME is one time too many. Take anything important out of the house -- your papers like your birth certificate, social security, only photo of great grandma,etc, and take them to a safe place like your parents' house just in case you can't go back -- and then have a friend there with you if you are able to go back for the rest of your stuff. many people have ended up dead and their stories start out like yours.

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You should really consider getting in touch with a domestic violence advocate. That would be the person you need to talk to. They can answer all your questions, give you the information you need, find you resources you should really utilize, teach you the skills you need to figure this all out. You can find an advocate by calling your nearest domestic violence shelter. And also remember, knowing that he can change and knowing that he wants to change are two completely different things. If you know he wants to change, he will attend a domestic violence program. Ask about that with an advocate. You already know that everybody here is going to tell you to leave him immediately. It's never that easy no matter the amount or what type of abuse it is. Even if you aren't in life-threatening danger with this dude (as of yet), mentally it can be hard to figure it all out on your own and that's where an advocate comes in. Not there to judge you or pressure you to leave him.

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