I am Divorced, wife turned out to be an addict..I am having difficulty trusting people

[DeepBlueSea]

Okay..here is my story.I am 36 and she is 34 Some 6 years back I went into a telephonic relationship with this girl. a year after that we got engaged. we remained engaged for some 3 1/2 year. During the 3 years our relationship ranged from being in love to she driving me to suicide. I could never understand her. I have always pictured myself as a gentleman and I thought at the time its not acceptable to go back on your word. Long story short(very long story). We got married. 2 Happy Months, petty fights, fourth months after the marriage I read about her drug use on her cell(she denied). Next two months were spent quarrelling on petty issues. after six months I told her to move back to her mom's as I was afraid I was going to do something stupid like hitting her.. or worse. I had backed up her cellular phone data somehow on my computer. I was going through it step by step and she was busy in casting a web of lies which ended up entangling her. So in short she was an addict, Heroin addict to be precise. Of that there is no doubt. She had a fling and contact with atleast one guy(it turns out from data). And numerous emotional affairs and objectionable behaviour.

 

Well die is the cast. After 2 months of careful consideration I realised the hopelessness of my situation. No Love, No Loyalty, Extreme Manipulation, bleak future(myself possibly turning into an addict), I kept trying to find a doubt or even a reason.... After two months of torturing myself I was unable to. So I divorced her, we are Muslims living in a Muslim state so comparatively its fairly a straightforward, inexpensive and easy procedure.

 

I have been asking myself same questions over and over again, how did I miss it? Well, she was probably very careful and either probably had the relapses that she did when visiting her folks. Or alternatively she used to smoke up heroin when I was asleep and kept watching tv. I was't really looking for signs as I did't suspect any kind of drug use, let alone heroin. Whatever I ask myself these questions for? What difference does it make now? Now she has mostly had a negative impact on 6 most important years of my life. I don't blame her for all my issues. I have my flaws. She cursed me and blamed me for not forgiving her etc. I don't even know what alternative option did I have? Drug use? After marriage? Emotional affairs? Affairs after Eng and before marriage? Her behaviour and constantly trying to play mental games?

Mostly I am sad for the situation and for what she has done to her life(mostly) and I feel sad that if I had met a girl who appreciated me the story would have turned out differently.

 

After I realised about drugs and realised this whole relationship is a lie (imagine the torture of going through her data), I felt lost. Its like the whole future sketch turned to blank paper. Over the last few weeks I have worked a little on it and although its not clear(it never is) I do have some vague sketch of a sketch. I abused alcohol for years, after Engagement abuse became worse. I don't know why. It was probably because I was treating her like a normal person when she was an unstable compulsive liar manipulative drug addict. I would probably never know the extent of her addiction, one year is enough for me but I do suspect something like 5-8 years. Her brother is an addict who for last 10 years goes into a rehab, back, starts again, crashes and back to rehab.

 

So I guess she was more careful and only on the smoking part or the hell I know. Had it not been for her cell phone and her own words I would't believe it. Even now at times I have difficulty grasping it. But its a fact.. It happened..

 

Sigh.. It feels good to have it off my chest. Thank you for reading. Although its just the tip of iceberg but thats sort a just of it...

 

What should I do now? I am looking to approach my life from a different angle. I have given up alcohol. I .. am having difficulty trusting people.. I gave her my love my loyalty..my heart. everything I could and yet she did't even like me back or respect me or care for me. Is the world really like soap operas at time?

 

Well back to the New Approach.. I .. rarely trusted people and now I am weary of the handful I do or did trust. I am changing the approach to life, some kind of risk is always involved in trusting someone. but .. sigh.. Should I have "forgiven her"? what could I have done? if by forgiveness she meant that she hurts me and that she wants forgiveness thats a different issue and knowing myself, when I move on I would forget her..in another life. but what she meant was taking her back. All she was afraid of was losing face, I did't (don't) trust her to the extent that I do think she is capable of poisoning me.Thanks for reading, feedback..advise welcomed...

[Hollyj]

Have you addressed your own issues with addiction through a program? You can't help her, but you can help yourself.

 

The bit about possibly being physically violent is concerning. Have you received therapy for your issues?

 

You can forgive her, but that does not mean she should be in your life. Forgive her for you. The relationship was toxic, and you should not be in any sort of contact. I have to question, why you would even consider being with this woman. She sounds like a complete disaster!

[chitown9]

it would be best for you to put this part of your life behind you. Ruminating as to how you missed the signs of her addiction is not serving you well. People are different. Some can be trusted and some cannot be trusted. You just need to learn how to be discerning as to who can be trusted. Deciding to simply not trust anyone would be foolish. You have a life ahead of you. You never know who is around the corner. Get ready for the right woman to enter your life.

[DeepBlueSea]

I had problems with drinking in the past and stuff I do see a therapist. I am sober now by choice. Well about the possibility of violence.. Well I was pushed a lot by my wife and I did't get violent. Unless it is for self defence I am against violence.

 

I am not considering being with her, I divorced her. She tried her best to make me feel guilty for the rest of my life. I am a sensitive person and she knows that. Are you asking me did I want to be with her at the first place? If so, well when I got engaged I did't know whats behind the mask. Then I got sucked into it ..She saw my weak spots, my anxieties, my wish to please those around me. My messiah complex, and she used all that against me while I foolishly trusted her and considered her an innocent soul.

 

You are right it was one of the most toxic relationships that there could be. I just feel bad about the whole thing. I blame myself mostly for not being able to see what was right in front of me all the time.

[DeepBlueSea]

Thanks, I wish I could help overthinking it. You are right I have tortured myself already thinking about it. But I guess I am slowly moving on. But I can't help somethings. For example the need to change my approach on life... With time I would hopefully be trusting people again.. Thanks for a Hug.. I badly needed one.

[DeepBlueSea]

Do you guys think I had an alternate option?? Did I do the right think by divorcing her? Did I take the coward's way out? what else could I have done?? Did I take the bold stance and did the right thing by cutting her out of my life at once?? She did't admit to heroin until I finally confronted her about proof of sending money to a drug dealer a week before I backed up her data. I don't trust what she said but she admitted to a drug use for a year quitting less then a week before marriage, apparently she had some 3-4 lapses(that she admits to) in the 6 months of marriage. relapses occurred(according to her) in the first four or 5 months if I recall correctly. Although she had a completely innocent "story" to explain that which really does't matter.

 

There was so much going on around my back. It gives me creeps at times. What should I have done? what could I have done?No love, no trust, no loyalty, lies, drug use(Heroin, I mean really?could't she find a lighter drug?), deception, her terrible attitude and manipulation. After all that I did't trust her. If u ask me she was probably using on and off for atleast 5-6 years. And I am not sure she quit after marriage, probably curtailed her usage, but did't quit. What else was I supposed to do?

[chitown9]

Remember...hindsight is 20/20. It is easy to say that you should have seen the signs, but love is blind, as they say. You were blinded by rose colored glasses. So, go easy on yourself. chi

[DeepBlueSea]

Remember...hindsight is 20/20.

Well said, you are better then my therapist.. Cheers

[Hollyj]

I also suggest you look into codependency. You can not save this woman, she can only save herself.

 

Find someone who is better partner material.

[lostandhurt]

When we meet someone new and have all those feelings of attraction and butterflies we rarely look closely and what may behind the curtain. We trust because we are a good person and give the benefit of the doubt to others. This is not a flaw it is being human.

 

You are grieving the loss of an imagined woman you loved. The real person she was you never knew and never loved, only the imagined woman. It is hard to accept the brutal truth such as addiction, cheating and lies about someone you loved so deeply but for you to heal you need to accept that it wasn't real. Sure your love was real for the person you thought she was but her love was for heroin, not you.

 

You absolutely did the right thing by divorcing her and getting clean yourself. Are there programs like AA where you live? If so the meeting will be a huge help to you.

 

I know you are second guessing yourself at times but trust me on this, you saved your life by divorcing her.

 

You will trust again and one day love again but get yourself totally right before you start thinking about dating again.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[DeepBlueSea]

Thanks. You are right, your post gives me a prospective. Can not agree with you more.. Well no AA here but consider the alcohol problem gone. I have started to hate alcohol. I was never the day drinking type of alcoholic. Alcohol was a symptom not the problem itself. Anyway, without going into needless details I can tell you I do see a therapist regularly and I don't think I would be going close to alcohol anytime soon.

[DeepBlueSea]

Are there programs like AA where you live? If so the meeting will be a huge help to you.

There is prohibition in my country, I have blocked all the numbers of people who sell illegally. So basically in my country unless you look for alcohol with conviction you are unlikely to find it. So Consider that problem gone. Its like getting Marijuana in US. Or a prostitute...

[mike120f]

Man I totally feel you on this. I know it's been a while since this has been posted, but I experienced a very similar story although on a shorter time scale. No one can possibly understand this type of feeling of betrayal unless they go through it. You realize they have a serious problem, but you cannot get through to them. Whether or not this excuses any of their behavior, it certainly does not diminish the horrible gut wrenching feelings you get from not knowing who you fell in love with, where they have been, and how far the rabbit hole goes. Once I found out (it was after we had broken up), I did not enable this behavior at all.

 

It has been extremely difficult for me to let go the thoughts I have for the unknown surrounding this relationship. I am already incredibly introspective, and throwing lies and manipulation on top of the usual questions of a failed relationship has been a nightmare to bare. I can only imagine how you must be feeling after 6 years of deception.