10 Years Nothing But Memories Now

[Gettinup]

Hi all,

 

Been lurking here for a few weeks, but finally ready to post my story (after a bit of account trouble and possible double thread post). Apologies if it’s a bit long and all over the place, still a tad scatty brained at the moment.

 

I broke up with my ex a couple of weeks ago, im 35m ex 28f. We were living together and brought our first house in 2015, I was her first proper partner and she was my second.

 

When I first met this girl I was working a full time job at the time which I didn’t like, and she was about to start uni, It was a local uni so I knew we would still be able to see each other. But I can tell you I was so inspired by this girl that it made me reflect on my own life back then to what I was doing, where I was going, and what I could offer this blossoming partnership.

 

As she was finishing her final year at uni I left a full time job to also attend uni to re-train, typically my work colleagues at the time and some of her family thought I was daft for leaving full time work to study. It did mean that I had to stay with my folks longer than I would have liked but I also knew the challenge of uni was worth it, and the pay off at the end would be far greater for the both of us.

 

But as I was at uni she was working a job which she did not enjoy, plus there was also issues at her home with her mums boyfriend taking an instant dislike of me, so whenever I was round he would go upstairs as to not engage. This caused a very stressful home life of which she felt she could not stay there, so she came to stay with me and my family whilst I was attending university.

 

It was a little cramped but we were both happy in our own bubble. In hindsight it was quite a close relationship where we depended so much on each other at the expense of other areas of our life. She didn’t have many friends and I let a lot of mine slip as I wanted to always be there for her. But it worked for us, we were working towards our future together, enjoying each other’s company, holidays and day trips and all the fun things that go with a partnership.

 

Things were still rough with her family and it took a good 6 – 7 years before it just sort of corrected itself that we could go round and visit.

But when we brought the house in 2015 that’s where it started to fall apart with us. We had a great first year in the house but when 2016 hit that’s when she started to pull away. Things were sorted with her family at last so she could go back and see them, but then she also had doubts about us.

 

I sensed something was wrong and pressed her on the issue, she said she didn’t know what she wanted in life anymore and only knew herself in the relationship with me. But after a couple of weeks of giving her space she came back home and worked through it. I told her that I wanted to build this home with her and have the nice things that go with it, family, marriage etc.

 

Things seemed to then be back on track, but then again out of the blue this August she bolted to her sisters, again same thing, didn’t know what she wanted and who she was. What made it worse is that she couldn’t even pull the trigger to breakup with me…. I just got kept being told that she doesn’t know how we can fix it…. I had to say to her that the only option then is that we breakup…. How crazy is that, she walked away from all of this and I had to breakup with her!!!

 

To be fair I understand what she is saying, we got together quite young and she wants to figure out who she is on her own, doesn’t mean it stops it hurting any less though. I tried my best to fight to save us but the writing was on the wall.

 

So fast forward to now, she has moved her stuff out, and I am in the process of buying her out the mortgage to keep the home. I have been trying to keep to no contact but untangling a life and a house is hard going. I spoke to her for the first time in a week yesterday to make an offer on her share of the house, it was too soon to talk and I was a jibbering wreck.

 

It’s only been 2 – 3 weeks so I am suffering from all the feels that go with a break, I’ve lost the one, blown my only chance of love, feeling every bit of 35, empty house, numb…. You name it. But now being outside of the bubble I also know that it highlighted that we were too dependent on each other.

 

I have been working through my grief and trying to stay positive of the change, I have been re-connected with my uni friends and family, I’ve got my MSc I’m working towards and almost finished, and thinking about starting some hobbies I’ve always wanted to do, play the guitar and read / write music.

 

It hurts, and will most likely hurt for some time so if anyone is going through the same or similar thing I’ll help in any way I can too because I’m going to be here for some time just feelin and healin.

[WantingMore]

I'll try to keep it short brotha. I was in a 6 1/2 year relationship with my best friend. And she started treating me like crap and acting weird and stopped showing me love. I tried the best I could to be nice give her space and still be there for her. But it came back to bite me when she still left me assuming it was for another guy she had been hanging out with. I told her she could get the stuff that was hers from the apartment I just leased for the both of us, and I wouldn't be there. Well after almost 7 years she left all her trash and all the things she didn't want and stole all of my valuables. But I was so hurt, that I just let her keep them in interest of not having to see her again.

I just sacked up one day and started eating and sleeping again. Every time she pops into my mind I think about all the shortfalls she had and built my perfect girl in my head and told myself that I'll find her. I turned to music and hanging with friends and other girls. Now when I see something of hers or think of her I feel nothing, aside from a little anger. And I know she's worse off without me. You just gotta move on I never believed when people said that the pain will go away until it just did. Your better than this and honestly you should see her as an enemy. She hurt you and for what? You weren't good enough for whatever reason, but some other girl who will love you and appreciate you more won't make that mistake. Your too good for her. I would stop with the contact and do things with your pain to improve yourself. Good luck my man, it will get easier and you can do it. The whole community here is behind you.

[Gettinup]

I just sacked up one day and started eating and sleeping again.

 

Haha love it ..... thanks for the words fella much needed this morning.

 

Same as yourself I just let her take what she wanted from the house, there just things after all. Good news is that she has accepted the offer on her share of the house so I can just plow forward now and hopefully get it all signed off over the next month, then that's the final link gone between us.

[sicx]

...

I sensed something was wrong and pressed her on the issue, she said she didn’t know what she wanted in life anymore and only knew herself in the relationship with me. But after a couple of weeks of giving her space she came back home and worked through it. I told her that I wanted to build this home with her and have the nice things that go with it, family, marriage etc.

 

Things seemed to then be back on track, but then again out of the blue this August she bolted to her sisters, again same thing, didn’t know what she wanted and who she was. What made it worse is that she couldn’t even pull the trigger to breakup with me…. I just got kept being told that she doesn’t know how we can fix it…. I had to say to her that the only option then is that we breakup…. How crazy is that, she walked away from all of this and I had to breakup with her!!!

 

To be fair I understand what she is saying, we got together quite young and she wants to figure out who she is on her own, doesn’t mean it stops it hurting any less though. I tried my best to fight to save us but the writing was on the wall.

 

It’s only been 2 – 3 weeks so I am suffering from all the feels that go with a break, I’ve lost the one, blown my only chance of love, feeling every bit of 35, empty house, numb…. You name it. But now being outside of the bubble I also know that it highlighted that we were too dependent on each other.

 

I have been working through my grief and trying to stay positive of the change, I have been re-connected with my uni friends and family, I’ve got my MSc I’m working towards and almost finished, and thinking about starting some hobbies I’ve always wanted to do, play the guitar and read / write music.

 

It hurts, and will most likely hurt for some time so if anyone is going through the same or similar thing I’ll help in any way I can too because I’m going to be here for some time just feelin and healin.

I saw you posted in my thread about me and you being in a similar situation, I see where you're coming from here.

I too can relate to a lot of this (minus the house and living together part) but the fact your ex didn't know what she wanted in life / wanted to expand / figure herself out etc. is something I know all too well.

I understand how painful this is completely, it's painful to think that the person you thought you'd be together forever with decides to uproot when things seemed to going so well, i'm sorry to hear this dude I really am, 10 years is along time.

You seem to be on the right track completely in regards to socialising more, starting new hobbies and doing things you've always wanted to do. I thought about that today too, if my ex can think positive and do things she wants to do, why shouldn't I, or you. Now's the time to do things maybe we couldn't do because of financial ties to the ex, or because they didn't allow us to. Thinking like this helps me a lot, and i've said in other threads that doing things that make you concentrate alot more than usual really helps push the thought of your ex out of your mind, for the time being.

 

Of course like i've said, 10 years is a long time, I cant put it softly but this is going to be hard, it really is. I have times myself where the bad outweighs the good by a lot, it's only recently when i've had any glimpse of positivity. But you'll get there, you're doing a lot of the right things for sure. I've said it many times before on here but we're all stuck on the same page, and it seems like you and me have a few things in common.

 

Can i ask a few more details post breakup, apart from needing to talk to her because of the house, are you planning on doing no contact?

[Gettinup]

Can i ask a few more details post breakup, apart from needing to talk to her because of the house, are you planning on doing no contact?

 

When I saw your thread it just leaped out to me how we both are in a similar position, I feel for you. It was nice to read that you have had a glimpse of positivity and I'm sure this will be a sign of more to come.

 

I have been going no contact (as much as could be) since she decided that she would not be coming back..... this after two weeks of leaving me a glimmer of hope and dangling on the line. But once the trigger was pulled I did not speak to her or message her for about 6 / 7 days. In that time though I did write a couple of letters to her regarding moving her stuff out and how to progress with the house. The letters were strictly kept to house matters, no emotions or feelings.

 

Then as I said above I had to phone her to make the offer for her share, that was a tough call to do and I was fighting back the emotions but now it is sorted the rest will be completed by the mortgage providers legal team. During that call I expressed to her that I was sorry to see that it was over and that it is unlikely that we will see or speak to each other again. So for me I'm done with it, I have no reason to speak to her or be involved with her life anymore. She has moved back with her family which is good because its a good hour away from me.

 

Does it hurt like a mother, you bet ya rear department it does.... do I still think about her ...... yep sure do, but when I do I try and say to myself is this helping me? Infact what I have also been doing is when I catch myself thinking about what she is doing I say to myself "it doesnt matter" three times over, because really it doesnt. I have no control or say in her life what so ever now.

 

I'm still in for a rough ride but the negative thoughts of lost love and all that will go in time. But for now its all about me, I got a roof over my head, great job, studying for my MSc, and I dont have to worry where my next meal is coming from.... so its not all bad.

[Gettinup]

Need a quick vent today.

 

I have had the valuation done for the house in preparation of me buying out the ex. I’m just a few pieces of paperwork away from cutting the final link that is holding us together…. The name on the deed to the property.

 

I asked her once she had moved her stuff out (2 - 3 weeks ago) to leave the key on the table, had a little dig here actually because what I said was along the lines of ‘being as you didn’t want to stay and work things out and walked away from it all you don’t need to keep the key, you are only here in name only on the deed of which will be changed soon’.

 

But alas still no key, so I sent a letter to her with a pre-paid envelope with return to my folks house that just said ‘Post key in envelope provided’. As you can imagine fresh post breakup brain says ‘she has a key still, she might come back’ and to be honest I have had that dream where she lets herself in in the middle of the night….. Subconscious can do one!!!! She isn’t coming back.