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abiguous ex-boyfriend


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I am posting to ask if others have had an experience like the one I am currently experiencing.

I had a brief -- 3 month -- relationship with a man I knew 40 years ago when we were in college. We became re-acquainted on social media and quickly fell in love. We were both (seemingly) extremely happy and voiced our love for each other many times a day. I was totally blindsided when he sent me an email saying that the nature of our relationship did not work for him and that his feelings had changed. I accepted his decision with grace and thanked him for helping me get out of an emotional rut and wished him the best. He has since sent emails saying how much he misses me although he is very careful to say he is not in love with me. For example, he wrote:

"If I picture your face with that whimsical smile and the light in your eyes, it is very hard for me not to smile here in _____. It's true that I'm the one who did the breaking up and prompted pain and heartache in you. It's also true that the absence of (me) and the end of something so astonishingly lovely and fun and good covers an area bigger than New England itself." this feels like pouring salt on the wound, but he is not a cruel person. I am so confused. Any thoughts?

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If you mean you didn't even physically see each other, what you experienced was a fantasy world. It was certainly not love. Mere infatuation. I'd suggest cutting all communication with this nowhere man and if it's a bf you want, join some groups in meetups.com. It's a great way to enjoy activities with other singles, and possibly meet a potential partner along the way.

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sorry I was not more clear. We did indeed have a physical relationship -- a very satisfying and intense one. We did live far apart but I traveled to his home for several days each time. I met his co-workers, children and friends -- all of whom were excited for us both. It was very enchanting and we were both euphoric until the day he broke up with me. I had been a widow for some time and was not initially looking for romance -- it just happened. There were no red flags except it all seemed to0 good to be true -- I am more than a little upset with myself for being so giddy. thanks for your response and your help.

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So you put all the effort in with traveling, and probably paid every dime to do so. Always gauge the guys interest and intent by letting him make that effort at the beginning. It would have been fine if he visited you first, and then then you went his way. There are few instances where LDRs work out, especially when they start that way. With local dating, you won't spend so much money and you can take things at a normal pace. Lesson learned. I wish better luck for you in the future.

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Thank you Andrina -- Yes, you are right. I am retired and he is still employed and so I accepted his invitation to visit him first. He was to come to my home but broke up before that happened. It is startling at my age --68 -- that I lacked the good sense to recognize what was happening. One of the few advantages of being this age is knowing that disappointments are normal parts of life and that one normally doesn't die from a broken heart. I have accepted his decision and moving on, but I just would like some insight into his ambiguous writings. Perhaps he is in love with his own words -- he fashions himself as somewhat of a poet -- or perhaps he thinks my hearing flowery things will make it easier to bear. In any event, should there be a next time, I will heed your kind advice. thank you again for your help.

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Why were you doing all the traveling? it should have been shared. Don't do that.

 

Also, the faster a relationship starts, the faster it will end. This is fantasy, and not a normal healthy progression.

 

Block and delete this fool, he is stringing you along for attention and ego boosts. There should be no next time. He has shown you that he is not relationship material. If you continue with this, he will really mess with your heart, and head.

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thank you, Hollyj for helping me figure this out. As I responded to Andrina above, I was in a better position to travel -- I am not employed and he still works at a job with little flexibility. I suspect you are right that he seeks attention. He considers himself a wordsmith -- that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him -- he wrote such beautiful, poetic, romantic things to me on a daily basis. At our age, however, I don't think the speed of our relationship necessarily meant its early demise -- we don't have a lot of years left. If his feelings had been real, as mine were, the timing would not have been an issue. Otherwise, I agree with everything you said and hopefully, he will respect my boundaries from here on out.

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Hi Dominique and thank you for responding. You know, I really cannot believe this man is mean and cruel -- maybe just clueless at how confusing and painful it is to hear how bleak his life is because of my "departure," as he phrased it since he brought about that "departure." I did not ask why he did not want to move forward in our relationship so perhaps that causes part of the confusion -- but I didn't need to know. It is enough that he made it clear his feelings had changed for me to know that I must move on. It gets a little better every day.

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thank you, Hollyj for helping me figure this out. As I responded to Andrina above, I was in a better position to travel -- I am not employed and he still works at a job with little flexibility. I suspect you are right that he seeks attention. He considers himself a wordsmith -- that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him -- he wrote such beautiful, poetic, romantic things to me on a daily basis. At our age, however, I don't think the speed of our relationship necessarily meant its early demise -- we don't have a lot of years left. If his feelings had been real, as mine were, the timing would not have been an issue. Otherwise, I agree with everything you said and hopefully, he will respect my boundaries from here on out.

 

I disagree on the speed thing, as his actions proved this to be correct.

 

It is not about him respecting your boundaries if you block him. You have control in this.

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Hi Hollyj -- You and I are going to disagree on the time issue -- I know lots of couples that "knew" they had found "the one" in a fairly quick fashion. My first husband and I were engaged two weeks after we met. No, that relationship did not last forever -- but we were happy for most of the 20 years we were married. You are right that I could block him from email, however, I would only do that as a last resort. He is a kind man, just possibly an unstable one. I have no desire to make him angry or hurt. I have not heard from him in many days now, so I believe he has figured out that I was serious that we not contact each other for a long while. Again, I really appreciate your perspective.

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