Husband being a mook

[Seraphim]

Several years ago we were friends with this couple and it was very nice for a while . Then the friend started brewing his own beer and drinking, A LOT. My husband and I drink very seldom and this other guy I guess felt we were a drag and only invites over the single guys who drink a lot. They don't come over here either when invited so after three times I just didn't bother . And we fell out of touch .

 

Recently the guy contacted my husband because he's about to be deployed and needs someone to care for his mother. She needs drives to her cardiologist an hour away once a month. And only wants a responsible person to look after his mother . So once a month once my husband who is also military to take a day off work to take his mother to the cardiologist . I will also add that his mother is a total psychological nightmare . Totally bat crap crazy . ( he rooked me into taking her grocery shopping once .) I told my husband he's nuts if he does this but out of my hands .

 

I guess it's more of a rant than anything .

[Hollyj]

Why would you agree to this? There are free services available to seniors, including transport services. This is something that is done for good friends. He doesn't have any family members who can transport her. Where's the wife?

[Seraphim]

Why would you agree to this? There are free services available to seniors, including transport services. This is something that is done for good friends. He doesn't have any family members who can transport her. Where's the wife?

 

His wife doesn't drive and LOATHES her MIL and the MIL hates her more.

 

I am not agreeing to it my husband is. He is the one doing it.

[Hollyj]

Why is he doing this? The guy sounds like a user.

[Batya33]

Yes-if the wife doesn't want to let her find one of her friends to do it. Does this mean your husband will be less available to help you with what needs to get done around the house, etc?

[Seraphim]

Shrug. Beats me. Probably to help out a deployed buddy. Because that's what they do to help their buddies . Personally I wouldn't do it for this person but ....

[Seraphim]

Yes-if the wife doesn't want to let her find one of her friends to do it. Does this mean your husband will be less available to help you with what needs to get done around the house, etc?

 

His drinking buddies don't want anything to do with the mother they know the mother and they want nothing to do with that situation . I'm not sure if the mother has a friend she is so obnoxious . But she does live in a seniors home .

[Hollyj]

I would never ask a friend to do that.

[Hollyj]

His drinking buddies don't want anything to do with the mother they know the mother and they want nothing to do with that situation . I'm not sure if the mother has a friend she is so obnoxious . But she does live in a seniors home .

 

My mother lives in a senior community. They provide free transport to doctors.

[Seraphim]

My mother lives in a senior community. They provide free transport to doctors.

 

Not all do. We live in a tiny little Podunk town . And her cardiologist is an hour away .

[agent1607307371]

I wonder if your husband is feeling obliged to because they're both military? It's possible that he also wants to try and get his friendship back.

 

But yeah, I agree with you that he's daft for agreeing to this. This guy has a real brass neck.

[Seraphim]

I wonder if your husband is feeling obliged to because they're both military? It's possible that he also wants to try and get his friendship back.

 

But yeah, I agree with you that he's daft for agreeing to this. This guy has a real brass neck.

 

I think it's because they are both military . And my husband is a big people pleaser. He likes to be liked. It could be too that he wants the friendship back because they were pretty good friends when they were on course together. Alcohol basically came in the middle of this friendship . But the guy loves to drink and there's very little we can do about it . And we just don't it's just two diametrically opposed lifestyles.

[j.man]

Bearing in mind you're just ranting a bit, I can understand how it's a bit eye-roll worthy of him to agree to pick this up.

 

But to empathize with him a bit, I do think it's a good opportunity to build some clout. Trusting the mother to him is a pretty big deal (at least it would be for me) and it's a minimal enough time investment.

 

Now if he starts driving her to follow-ups three days later or to get her prescriptions, I think you'd be more entitled to hit him with a, ".... really??"

[Seraphim]

Bearing in mind you're just ranting a bit, I can understand how it's a bit eye-roll worthy of him to agree to pick this up.

 

But to empathize with him a bit, I do think it's a good opportunity to build some clout. Trusting the mother to him is a pretty big deal (at least it would be for me) and it's a minimal enough time investment.

 

Now if he starts driving her to follow-ups three days later or to get her prescriptions, I think you'd be more entitled to hit him with a, ".... really??"

Absolutely, for the other guy it is a trust thing. He said he only trusts my husband to look out for his mom. Everyone else hates the mom and we are the only people he knows who have looked past her raving and ranting and craziness.

[Andrina]

If it were me, I'd have another long discussion with him and mention how his people pleasing can result in the negative affects for him and other people involved, such as you. Think about how many years he will have signed up for, to do this task. Figure in the yearly time. Beside the two hour round trip drive, he will likely wait one to two hours at the doctors office. Figure in the cost of gas. Think of how regularly taking time off of work won't be easy, and what if they don't let him on some of those particular days? This could also lessen any vacation time you want to take together. What if you or another loved one needed his time in similar ways, and now he's already committed to this other burden.

 

Perhaps use how his people pleasing hasn't worked out in the past. If he sees as you more of the sensible one, remind him that maybe he should listen to you about this decision. Also remind him of how the drinker dumped him as a friend, and is that really a true friend--someone who asks you to help him out even though he didn't consider you buddy material in the recent past? Ask him if in the same situation, if he'd ask a casual friend to perform this task for him.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Seraphim]

If it were me, I'd have another long discussion with him and mention how his people pleasing can result in the negative affects for him and other people involved, such as you. Think about how many years he will have signed up for, to do this task. Figure in the yearly time. Beside the two hour round trip drive, he will likely wait one to two hours at the doctors office. Figure in the cost of gas. Think of how regularly taking time off of work won't be easy, and what if they don't let him on some of those particular days? This could also lessen any vacation time you want to take together. What if you or another loved one needed his time in similar ways, and now he's already committed to this other burden.

 

Perhaps use how his people pleasing hasn't worked out in the past. If he sees as you more of the sensible one, remind him that maybe he should listen to you about this decision. Also remind him of how the drinker dumped him as a friend, and is that really a true friend--someone who asks you to help him out even though he didn't consider you buddy material in the recent past? Ask him if in the same situation, if he'd ask a casual friend to perform this task for him.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Oh my God I have discussed his people pleasing for the last 28 years. Right now he's in therapy again for people pleasing . And if he actually brought up real issues in therapy it might be a miracle. As in where it originated . But he refuses to do that .

 

I have told him I don't think this is a good idea. He has too many responsibilities already. A full time career in the military, his own business and a part time job. A family, a son with a disability , aging parents. That we are stretched too thin already. Some days I work 12 hours and have to get my son to school before work and pick him up after and that takes 80 minutes of my day too 5 days a week .

 

And we volunteer.

 

We are stretched too thin already.

[pippy longstocking]

Just his good heart vic ... I agree with the military thing ...it just is connection that is never broken .

[Hollyj]

Just his good heart vic ... I agree with the military thing ...it just is connection that is never broken .

 

Yes. And the friend has overstepped many boundaries.

[Seraphim]

Yes. And the friend has overstepped many boundaries.

 

Absolutely, I think this guy is being a dyck.

[itsallgrand]

That would be frustrating. People pleasing in someone you love is so frustrating. And it's not about having a good heart ( though the person may certainly have a good heart, but it's a seperate issue).

 

I could understand more from the friends side and your hubby if it was a real need. But it isn't - this is just asking your hubby to inconvience himself and take on this responsibility, so that they ( friend, wife, mom herself) do not have to inconvience themselves. There are so many other options for her to get to her appointments. The wife could learn to drive, paid transport could be arranged, community rides are often available in small towns. Etc.

 

Will the buddy reciprocate in some way if your hubby asked? If so, that's a little different too. Did he offer something in return n it is this just a huge honking 'favour'?

[Seraphim]

That would be frustrating. People pleasing in someone you love is so frustrating. And it's not about having a good heart ( though the person may certainly have a good heart, but it's a seperate issue).

 

I could understand more from the friends side and your hubby if it was a real need. But it isn't - this is just asking your hubby to inconvience himself and take on this responsibility, so that they ( friend, wife, mom herself) do not have to inconvience themselves. There are so many other options for her to get to her appointments. The wife could learn to drive, paid transport could be arranged, community rides are often available in small towns. Etc.

 

Will the buddy reciprocate in some way if your hubby asked? If so, that's a little different too. Did he offer something in return n it is this just a huge honking 'favour'?

My hubby " might" be going away for a year. If he is accepted for a course and trade change he will be gone to Manitoba for a year . I sincerely doubt it will be recriprocated.

Yes, my husband is a good man with a good heart but easily taken advantage of. People who he works with have told me he is taken advantage of routinely at work by lazy azz people who want him to do more so they can do less ALL. THE. TIME. He has a very strong work ethic and loves order and loves to work but he is " too nice." It frustrates me so much because I love him and because I don't want to see him crack when it gets too much.

[itsallgrand]

That's the impression I've got of your hub from what you've shared about him. Big heart, hard worker, community minded, and also a people pleaser who lesser people try to use him.

 

Wow, if he does come to MB, let me know!

[Seraphim]

Will do!

....